


Homecoming

by stitchingirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Gay Castiel, M/M, explicit male/male sex, temporary sexual identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 07:07:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 144,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18148700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stitchingirl/pseuds/stitchingirl
Summary: Three years ago, best friends Dean and Cas went down their own paths. After life as a journalist in Los Angeles, Cas brings his boyfriend home to Lawrence to meet his parents. He wasn't expecting to run into Dean, who'd run away after one final night together before leaving Lawrence to make his own career as a mechanic in Lebanon.But little did Cas know that Dean has been living with the regret of that night ever since. Will Cas's vow to himself to forget about Dean and the heartbreak he'd been left with stand up to seeing the man himself again?"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Sunny for the beautiful art. 
> 
>    
> [blueeyesandpie](https://blueeyesandpie.tumblr.com).
> 
> And a special thanks to my beta, Dani, for the endless encouragements throughout this fic.

 

The sound of his feet hitting the pavement was the only noise in the night as he jogged through the still sleeping neighborhood. It had still been dark when he began his usual route, the sun just now peeking its rays over the horizon to his right and coloring the skies in pale pinks and yellows. This was his favorite time of day; everyone else was still asleep, giving him a sense of being the last man in the world. The thought never brought any feelings of fear, but instead, a strange calm.

Those who knew him easily described him as being reserved, almost a loner, and a quiet observer. Perhaps that was the reason his weekly columns were popular. For the last three years he wrote human interest pieces for _Lawrence Journal-World_. He’d always loved writing and it was his sophomore year of high school when he decided to submit articles for the student paper. For a shy child such as himself, all he had to do was quietly listen to schoolmates as they easily talked about the latest trends, gossiped about who was dating who. He been practically invisible to his peers and they never seemed hesitant to talk while he was in earshot. It made easy work out of writing pieces about the going-ons at Lawrence High. 

While it seemed to be a lonely existence -- at least in his brother's opinion -- there was one person with whom Cas was actually close with: his best friend since grade school, Dean Winchester. With their houses across the street from each other, it wasn't uncommon for them to be at the other's house. They shared typical childhood experiences of sleepovers, playing ball in each other's yards, catching lightning bugs once it was dark. They were treasured memories and Cas knew he would truly miss his best friend. 

Today was moving day, and it both saddened and excited him. With the help of Dean, he would be moving to Los Angeles where he would be the new Human-Interest columnist for the _Los Angeles Times_. Instead of a weekly column, he would be writing daily pieces. He had to admit it was a bit scary knowing he would need to come up with fresh ideas so often. Perhaps his first article would be about life in a large town as a Kansas born and bred, gay man. 

He’d been lucky; his peers had never hassled him as badly as other kids had to face daily. His sexuality was something he was never made to feel shameful about. Obviously, that had been more due to the fact Dean wouldn't have hesitated to punch whoever touched him... his own personal bodyguard, if you would. But Cas never really gave any reason to be picked on. He knew he was gay while in middle school, remembered being so fearful to tell Dean. He’d heard the horror stories some gay kids faced after they came out. Friends and family turning their backs on them, parents even going so far as actually kicking out their gay child. It was that fear which caused Cas the most anguish; Dean no longer being his friend and kicked out by his own parents. 

He ended up breaking down one day as they sat on Dean's back porch. Unsure of what to do, much less say, Dean had run inside his house to get his mom. Mary had simply laid her arm across Cas’ small shoulders and led him inside to talk privately. Dean had been full of questions, Cas remembered. _Why was Cas upset? Who did he have to punch? Can he join them?_

Mary just calmly told Dean to stay in the kitchen and he could have a piece of pie; the bribe worked, Dean was notorious for his love of pie, as well as his temper. It had been while sitting tearfully in the Winchester living room where Cas first admitted being gay. 

It wasn't a phase, he wasn't confused. He was a twelve-year-old gay boy and he was scared everyone was going to hate him. 

Mary simply wiped his tears away, reassuring him no one would hate him. She still loved him as an honorary son and knew her husband, John, would feel the same way. Cas was reassured slightly but hadn't been too sure about what Dean's reaction would be. So, finally, with a little of Mary’s gentle coaxing, Dean was called to join them. He’d grumbled it was about time, once again asking who he had to punch for making Cas cry. It was then that Cas told his best friend he was gay. Dean simply shrugged and said okay before asking if Cas could have a piece of pie, too. 

Just like that, nothing changed between Cas and Dean. Mary managed to talk him into telling his parents. Surprisingly, his parents already had an inkling and just like with Mary, it didn't matter. He was the same person they knew and loved and that was that. 

Cas’ thoughts returned to the present as he turned onto last block of his run. Instead of thinking back to the past, he tried organizing a list in his head of things he still needed to do before they left for California. Thankfully, the majority of his belongings had already been packed in the U-Haul cargo van. The only piece of furniture he was bringing was his bed, his new apartment coming already furnished. He’d cleaned his room thoroughly to ensure Dean would get his deposit back, and Dean being Dean, tried on several occasions to get Cas to agree to taking half of it. All of which Cas firmly refused. Despite what Dean thought, it was possible to tell the man no. Well, sometimes Dean didn't listen, but he knew when Cas was serious about something. 

He truly was going to miss his best friend, but it wasn't as if Cas was leaving him behind. A week after helping him move, Dean would be starting his own new path. Instead of L.A., his friend would be moving to Lebanon, three hours from Lawrence. The auto shop Dean worked at since high school was closing business as the owner, Walt, wanted to retire and spend time with his daughter and grandson. No one could fault Walt for his decision, but it _had_ left Dean unemployed. 

Dean loved working on cars. He’d been watching and helping his dad working on them since he was old enough to hold a wrench. John worked as a mechanic as well until about three years ago after his leg got shattered when a jack broke and a car fell on him Multiple surgeries fixed him as best as they could, but he still walked with a slight limp and had too much pain to get down on the ground and work on engines the way he used to. It ended his career as a mechanic. 

Cas often worried the same thing could happen to Dean, but Dean simply shrugged his concerns off, saying ‘accidents happen, but not very often’. 

Cas knew that Dean was upset about losing his job and was panicked about trying to find a new shop in the area that would take him on. He needn't have worried at all; to Dean's surprise, Walt talked about Dean to an old friend, but Rufus Turner was too stubborn to retire. Walt often joked how Rufus was probably too stubborn to even die. So, Dean drove the three hours to Lebanon to talk to the man. 

Not once did Rufus ask about any certifications Dean had. Instead, he had Dean spend half an hour simply explaining how he would fix various things on a vehicle while the cantankerous older man tossed in trick questions to try to trip him up. By the end of the ‘interview’, Rufus had shaken his hand and told him he was ‘alright’ and that he expected him to start work a week after he was done with Walt’s shop.

It was a done deal, and then they realized how far away from the other they would be. Dean often wondered aloud if they would actually be able to maintain their friendship with being so far apart, but it wasn't as if they wouldn't be able to talk to each other. Dean promised they would Skype and text, and of course, call each other. 

Yet, Cas was always aware of how often friendships simply faded away when it came to long distances. It was what Cas was afraid would happen with Dean. Soon, they’d be in two separate states, and eventually they would slip away from each other. Especially if Dean somehow learned that Cas had harboring feelings for him. 

Cas couldn’t even say _when_ the feelings first started... Perhaps it had been the day Dean just willingly accepted Cas after he came out, as if the news he was gay was of no consequence to Dean. Whenever they started, the feelings remained longer than what should’ve been a usual crush. But Cas wasn’t naive enough to believe Dean returned those feelings. 

It was well known how much Dean liked girls. Much like Cas had, women fell for Dean’s tough man act, his moss-colored green eyes and freckles. But, unlike the women who never truly got to know him, Cas really fell for the easy ways Dean smiled at him. As if those smiles were meant just for him. But, no. There was no way he would ever tell Dean how he really felt. 

Perhaps once there was distance between them, Cas’ feelings would start to fade. Maybe he would be able to find someone who he could talk with, share his life with. Just someone who would help him get over his crush. 

Finally making it back to the apartment complex, the sun was now fully shining as he crossed the parking lot towards the unit he shared with Dean, knowing he would probably still be asleep. Dean wasn’t exactly a morning person, refusing to move or do anything until he had at least two cups of coffee. Pulling his keys out of his running shorts’ pocket, Cas jogged up the stairs to the second level. A few people passed him with genuine smiles as they made their way to work and he nodded back politely until he reached the landing. Unlocking his door, he was surprised to see Dean sitting at the small round corner kitchen table already dressed and drinking his coffee from an overly large mug. The mug had been a gag gift for Dean's last birthday, though Dean accepted it readily and claimed it made the perfect coffee mug, especially when he had to be up early. 

“I wasn't expecting you to be up,” Cas greeted as he came into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water.

“We got a lot of shit to do, right?”

“Well, not _a lot_. Or just a few things,” Cas said with a slight shrug, twisting the bottle lid open and taking a drink.

“Well, first things first. I ain't budging till I get some breakfast, all right? The whole deal; hotcakes, a mess of eggs, and a pile of bacon up to here,” Dean told him, holding his hand a foot off the table top. “And coffee. Oceans of it till I'm splashing when I'm walking.”

Cas huffed softly as he chuckled, thankful he still didn’t have a mouthful of water. “Got it.” He smiled, shaking his head. “Oceans of coffee and enough bacon to clog your arteries.”

“You clean up and I'll take the last few boxes down. You need anything out of them?”

“I believe I have everything. I'll just put my towel and clothes in a plastic bag.”

“You're taking the bag in the van with you. Damned if I'm smelling your sweaty socks till we reach Vegas,” Dean teased. 

“Maybe I'll just leave them here,” Cas retorted. “They should be nice and ripe by the time you return.”

Dean just stared at him, bitch face definitely in place. Cas chuckled harder. “Unclench, Winchester. I'm only teasing… Maybe.” Cas winked and stood up, taking his water bottle with him as he went to his room to get cleaned up. 

Dean remained sitting at the table after Cas disappeared to the bathroom, finishing his coffee. Already, he dreaded the return trip home. He would be taking the van back to Kansas before using it for his own move. However, Dean couldn't say he was overly excited about his new job... Oh, don't get him wrong, he loved working on vehicles. It was just the realization that he would now be going home to an empty apartment at night that he was less than thrilled about. 

Five years of living with Cas had spoiled him. He wasn't even sure he knew how to live alone. He could always ask Sammy about how he managed since his brother was living alone in an off-campus apartment instead of the dorms. His other option was to get a dog, since he was allergic to cats, so he wouldn’t be _alone_ alone. On second thought, it would be cruel having a dog be alone for hours while he was at work... There were always fish. Then he remembered the five goldfish his mom had flushed down the toilet when he was twelve, indicating he wasn't always diligent in remembering to feed them. If he closed his eyes, he could still imagine the horror he felt as they were flushed. 

God, he was a fucking dork. 

Blowing out a breath, he shook his head. No, a pet wasn’t the best option. Maybe he’d just scope out the nightlife like every other red-blooded, healthy male. See what some of the places around him had to offer in means of companionship. Hell, he was only twenty-five! He wasn't sure if he even wanted to dive back into another relationship, especially since the last one crashed and burned so horrifically. He had numerous one-night stands since then, the occasional two-night stand, and had only slowed down after Cas became concerned and persuaded him to getting checked out. He wasn't promiscuous, at least not in his eyes. He just liked sex. He wouldn't say no to another relationship when he was older... maybe marry, have a couple kids, even get that dog. 

Well, no sense thinking about something until he was actually ready for it.

Grabbing the van’s keys from the counter, Dean grabbed the closest box from the living room and made his way outside. The van was just a simple white Econoline, decorated with U-Haul decals. It was already decided Cas would drive the van and Dean would follow behind in Cas’ golden monstrosity. He tried convincing himself it was normal to be worried about Cas driving his car across country; if some kind of problem arose, it would go unnoticed by Cas. As a mechanic, Dean would pick up any potential problems quicker. It was better he drove Cas’ car. And it wasn't like he truly hated the car… No, he truly hated the car. What was it he’d told Cas when his friend seemed genuinely surprised to find out Dean’s true feelings about the car? Oh, right. ‘Eye of the beholder’. It seemed to calm him down, at least. 

Walking down the last flight of stairs, Dean squinted in the bright sunlight as it reflected off every vehicle, catching off the side mirrors and damn near blinding him. Setting the box on the sidewalk, he went to the Impala to retrieve his sunglasses. He unlocked van’s side door before retrieving the box and loading. As he turned around, he saw Cas coming down the stairs carrying two boxes. He nodded and moved to unroll the passenger window. 

“Hey,” Cas greeted as he reached the van to add his boxes inside. 

“That was a quick shower,” Dean said, walking around to the driver's side to roll down that window as well. 

“We want to get on the road sometime, right?”

“Right. Between breakfast and our moms, we'll be lucky to leave around eleven.”

“Are we following the same timeline as last time?”

“Yeah. That seemed to work out for us, right? Aiming for like six hours’ worth of driving today. Between stopping for lunch and piss breaks, we should hit… what was it? Right, Goodland. We'll hit Goodland maybe around seven or eight tonight,” Dean informed him, coming to Castiel’s side. 

“And our hotel?” Cas asked.

“Same as last time. The America's Best. It had that restaurant by it, remember?”

Cas shouldn't have been surprised Dean remembered the restaurant. He always remembered places where he could get a good slice of pie. 

“I'm sure the free WiFi doesn't hurt,” Cas teased with a soft chuckle.

“All right, smart ass,” Dean retorted. He made no apologies for liking anime, even if he did have to sneak into the bathroom for some relief.

Cas smirked at him, turning to go back up to the apartment when Dean retaliated for his snarky comment. He poked both of Cas’ sides, squealing and twisting to get away from Dean's tickling fingers, ending up bumping into the van. 

“Stop that,” he laughed, trying to sound menacing.

“What, this?” Dean asked innocently, reaching out to tickle him again.

“Yes, _that_ ,” Cas laughed, squirming away again as he held up his hands to block any more attempts.

Dean simply laughed, commenting fondly, “You're so easy to get,” but didn’t try tickling him again.

They quickly brought the last of boxes down, as well as the plastic bag which held Cas’ dirty jogging clothes and wet towel from his shower, before locking up the apartment. 

“Should I drop off the key to the office now, you think?” Cas asked, once everything was packed. 

The question was like ice water being poured over Dean's playful mood. Another reminder he would be returning home alone... “Nah,” he shook his head, giving a half shrug, “just give it to me. I'll drop them both off when I leave next week.” 

For a few seconds, Dean thought Cas was going to add something since he was just looking at him. Instead, he simply hugged Dean. “What's this for?” Dean asked, trying not to enjoy the feeling of Cas in his arms.

“I'm just going to miss you so much. I can't thank you enough for helping me move.”

“No chick-flick moments, remember?” 

“Like you don't watch them.” Cas laughed, releasing Dean from his embrace with a final squeeze.

“Shut up,” Dean muttered, making a show of straightening out his shirt. “Anyways, it's time for breakfast,” Dean quickly changed the subject. 

“I'll follow you to the diner, then we'll switch vehicles at my mom's.” 

“Yeah, all right.”

Dean watched Cas as he walked towards the Continental, releasing his breath when Cas was out of sight and seated in the front seat. He still felt Cas’ body heat on him, and it made his heart race. Damn it. _Damn it!_ He had to learn to control his own body. To be fair, he hadn’t been expecting the hug, however nice it was to hold Cas. Forcing himself back in control, Dean made his way to the moving van.

Ladybird Diner was a local favorite, conveniently located near the University of Kansas campus. It wasn't unusual to see small groups of college kids sitting at the tables, grabbing breakfast before their first classes began. The diner boasted a wide range of dishes, but it was their old-fashioned sodas, as well as their pies, which drew in the largest crowds. 

Cas remembered sitting in one of the corner tables as a student, studying in between bites. He’d even interviewed one of the owners for an article he wrote for the college newspaper, mentioning how fantastic their breakfast platters were and how they wouldn't completely break a struggling college student's bank. The owner thought the article was funny, plus it gave them a boost in business, and Cas had received free pie for a week straight. Of course, he’d saved each slice for Dean; Cas was never one for sweets.

“Whatcha smiling about, dude?” Dean asked as they sat down at the counter. 

“Just remembering all the good times here,” Cas answered. He turned on his stool to look the tables behind them. “I spent so many mornings here, cramming for finals or finishing homework.”

“Sammy did a couple times, too. We'd come here all the time before finals in his senior year. You know him, always stressing about doing good on them.”

Sam, Dean's youngest brother by four years, currently lived in Palo Alto where he was attending Stanford University on a full ride scholarship and studying to be a lawyer. Despite whatever playful dig Dean had for his younger sibling, Cas always saw Dean's pride shining clearly in his eyes. Cas felt the same about the younger Winchester, but Dean’s feelings towards his brother made him wonder about his own siblings’. Were they ever proud of him in the same way Dean was of Sam? Oh, Cas knew Gabriel and Amara loved him, but he didn't know if pride was there as well. 

Currently, Gabriel was doing his own thing in Topeka, working in the Loan Department at a local bank. Amara still lived in Lawrence, along with her husband and two kids, and worked in the Admissions office at KSU. For his part, Cas was honestly proud of both of them. He only hoped it was returned.

“Why the poop face?” Dean asked, his voice breaking through Cas’ thoughts.

“There's no face,” Cas reassured him, turning on his stool again to face forward. “Just thinking about Gabe and Amara.”

“Yeah? What about?” Dean asked flatly.

“That I'll miss them,” Cas said with a slight shrug. 

Before either of them could say anything else, their waitress came over with waters and to take their order. Cas surprised Dean by ordering the ‘Sunrise Special’ instead of his usual oats and toast, while Dean ordered another breakfast platter that offered hotcakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Their waitress wrote the order down before walking away. 

“No boring breakfast loaded with more fiber than actual, tasty carbs?” Dean teased.

“No,” Cas smiled, “figured I would need energy today.”

“Because driving's so tough?” Dean snorted.

“ _Because_ we don't know when we'll stop for lunch,” Cas answered as if he was frustrated, despite smiling.

“Oh, trust me. We'll be stopping. I'm not about to go more than six, eight hours max, without eating.”

Outside of his job, caring for friends and family, Dean took the act of eating _very_ seriously. Cas had never seen anyone eat as much as Dean and not have a weight problem. Dean always laughed off the comments, saying he had no problems burning the calories off, while Cas just rolled his eyes. Dean wasn't exactly the Lothario he often tried portraying, nor was he exactly a monk. Though… Cas couldn't remember the last time Dean actively went out specifically to find a female bedmate for the night. 

His last relationship had been at least six months ago with the unbalanced Meg. She’d easily picked up on Cas' feelings towards Dean, which always threw him for a loop because he thought he was pretty good about keeping himself from being obvious. Dean sure as hell never commented on it or even hinted he knew. But Meg always took great pleasure in reminding him Dean was _her_ boyfriend now. Rather than risk any problems between him and Dean, Cas simply kept quiet. When Dean finally did end things with Meg, Cas barely was able to contain his relief.

“Maybe you'll start dating again,” Cas said, hoping he sounded indifferent.

Dean just leaned to one side away from Cas as if trying to get a good look at him. “Where the fuck did _that_ come from, dude?” Dean asked, confusion heavy in his tone.

Cas cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks burning as he blushed. He hadn't meant to say the words out loud... They were simply him stating his realization whenever he thought about Dean being alone. “Um… I'm- I'm not sure.”

“Well I'm certainly not gonna start something _now_. Not when I'm moving in a week. Kinda pointless I'd say.”

“Will you keep your number?” Cas asked, trying to gain some control back. 

“For the time being, I think. I might eventually have to get a new one, but I'm not positive. What about you?”

“Eh, I hadn't really thought about it. But you know me, I tend to be sentimental. I might fight to keep my number.”

“You? Sentimental? Like driving your granddad's old heap of junk? Yeah, haven't noticed.” Dean laughed at his joke.

“Don't insult my car, Dean, especially since you're the one driving her cross country. She won't appreciate it.”

“All right,” Dean snorted, chuckling, “I won't insult her around her. That sound fair?”

Cas just gave him a hard glare as their food arrived. Neither said anything as they ate; Cas sat listening to the sounds of the diner around them, the soft mingling of conversations from other patrons. The clinking of silverware on dishes, the puttering of the ancient air conditioner which hung in the corner, were sounds that reminded him of the home he grew up in. It was a place where he’d made wonderful friendships. Since accepting the job in Los Angeles, he often wondered how he would fit in with his peers as well as the city. 

L.A. was enormous compared to Lawrence. Even the short stay when he’d interviewed for the paper had left him feeling like an outsider. Would that feeling return once he got there? What if he never got used to the city? His heart rate started to race as he thought. What if this had all been a terrible mistake and he was simply fooling himself into believing he could do this? 

He wished he could be more like Dean... New places never unnerved him like they did Cas. Dean always exuded confidence and charm when talking to new people. Gabriel used to tease Cas, poking fun and questioning how he could become a reporter if he didn't like talking to people? It wasn't entirely true; he didn’t mind talking to people, but rather he often was odd man out in situations. People weren't drawn to extensive conversations with him. He wasn't familiar with pop culture and it seemed that was what everyone was talking about. This celebrity dating that one, this couple breaking up. Did that really matter in the grand scheme of things? Where was that same interest about the real things of the world?

“Hey, did I lose you again?” 

Cas looked at Dean and blinked a couple times before answering. “I don't know if I can do this, Dean.” His voice was soft and unsure, leaving him questioning if Dean heard him over the sounds of the diner. Or perhaps he was hoping Dean couldn't. 

“What? No, come on.” Dean turned his stool so he was now facing him, laying a hand on Cas' shoulder, squeezing gently. “You got this, Cas. I know it's scary moving away, but I believe in you, man. _This_ is a dream of a lifetime, all right? Writing for one of the big dogs instead of pissing away here? Hell yeah, you can do this! You're Castiel fucking Novak, writer extraordinaire! And I'm lucky enough to call you my best friend. So, we'll get you there and you're gonna kick some ass, okay? Or I'm kicking _your_ ass, capisce?”

Cas huffed softly in laughter, eyes shining brightly. “I capisce.”

“Good. Now finish your breakfast so we can go see our moms,” he told him, turning back to his own plate and bumping him with his shoulder. 

Cas bumped him in return Dean chuckled softly. They finished eating a few minutes later. Cas sighed from the fullness in his stomach and Dean was the first one to stand up, pulling money out of his pocket.

“No, I'll get this, Dean. You're already paying for the hotels. Let me contribute something, too.”

“You are. You're paying for the gas to your pimpmobile and my snacks.” He flashed Cas a bright smile.

“And paying for breakfast,” Cas added as he grabbed the bill from the counter before Dean could. Dean followed him to the register, making a show of trying to grab the bill out of his hand. Cas laughed as he pushed at Dean's shoulder. In the end, Cas ended up paying. Dean stood next to him, playing with things on the counter much like a child would do. 

“Would you stop?” Cas chastised with a soft chuckle. “Go to the van if you're so antsy.” Dean shrugged and ignored him. Cas was already finished paying and nudged him towards the door. “You're impossible,” he sighed.

Once outside, Cas held his hand out to Dean, silently asking for the van’s keys. Dean glanced at the Continental, almost scrunching his nose in disgust at the thought of driving the vehicle. But he ended up handing over the keys over anyways. It wasn't the first time he’d driven Cas’ car, there’d been a couple times Baby had been out of commission due to needing a new fuel pump or a new catalytic converter, and they had planned. The Continental wasn't a _bad_ car, but it sure as hell wasn't Baby.

Cas led the way to his parents’ house and being in front allowed him to check the van’s side mirror, reassured at seeing the Continental trailing behind him in the reflection. They drove past Centennial Park and he smiled as he remembered playing there with Dean, sometimes even Gabriel, as a child. Hours had been spent on the playground or in the grass tossing a baseball back and forth. He’d even learned how to play tennis on the courts which had since been removed and now housed a skating park in its place. That had definitely been something Cas had no interest in learning. He smiled fondly as he left the park behind in the rearview mirror, knowing their parent’s houses would be another five minutes down the road.

The narrow, winding road was still quiet at this hour. Cas pulled the van into his parents’ driveway as Dean pulled off and parked across the street in front of his own parents’ house. Cas turned the ignition off, content just sitting there and look at the house. It was still the same deep green clapboard house he’d grown up in, the two-door garage housing his mother's red Ford Focus and his dad's silver Buick Enclave. There weren’t three cars parked haphazardly anymore in the front lawn, one for each of the kids. 

A sudden knock to the van’s window caused him to jump. Dean's amused face stared back at him before he waved at him to get a move on. Just as he opened the door and slid out, Cas saw his mom walking down the front cement stairs in her usual floral housecoat, his father right behind her. Dean's own parents were crossing the street to join them, John a few steps behind Mary.

“This is it, huh?” John asked as he came up the short driveway. 

“This is it,” Dean confirmed. 

“Oh, Castiel. I can't believe my baby is moving so far away,” Naomi sighed sadly, pulling him into a hug.

“It's not Siberia, Mom. I'll be back to visit, I promise,” Cas tried reassuring her, embarrassed by his mother’s display. 

“Do you need anything?” Chuck asked, smiling at his wife's antics and meeting his son’s eyes over her shoulder.

“No, Dad. I think I got everything.”

Thankfully, Naomi released him from his hug, but draped an arm around his waist. 

“Mary,” John's deep voice rumbled softly, catching his wife’s attention.

She looked at him and nodded. “We want to give you a little something, Cas. I'm sure it'll help.” She pulled a white envelope out of her robe pocket, handing over to him with a smile.

Cas’ eyebrows scrunched together in question. “What's this?”

“Think of it as a good luck gift,” John answered, clapping him on the shoulder. 

Cas opened the envelope, gasping softly. Inside was a handful of bills in small denominations. “I can't accept this you guys! It's too much,” he told them, moving to hand the envelope back to her. 

“Of course you can. It's a gift,” Mary reassured him, pushing his hand away gently.

“You keep those,” Dean added, winning a scoff from his mom. “What? You do, don't you?” He smiled, shrugging.

Cas looked to his parents for help, but it was obvious from their smiles no help was forthcoming. “We all pitched in together,” Chuck informed him, making him feel a little better about the amount he held in his hands. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys so much,” Cas told them, clutching the envelope tightly to his chest. “Really, I appreciate this.”

“Figured it'd come in handy for the toll roads,” John said, shrugging off his thanks like only John Winchester could. Castiel smiled at him, knowing how the tolls had been the fiasco for him and Dean last time they drove West. It had been a mad scramble for cash when they realized that despite many states having the option of E-Z pass, it was not an option from Kansas to California. 

“You boys remember how to get there? You still got that road atlas, Dean?” John asked. The older Winchester didn't trust ‘electric gadgets’ to tell him what route to take and he’d taught both Dean and Sam how to read a map. He had a devil of a time finding one these days, but had been successful, instructing Dean to keep it in the glovebox.

“Yeah, I got it in the car,” Dean reassured him. 

“The van has a GPS, too,” Cas added.

“You should let Dean go first, just to be safe,” John said, nodding once at his son.

“John, they know what they're doing. Leave them be!” Mary sighed, waving her hand in dismissal of John’s suggestion. 

Dean rolled his eyes as his parents softly bickered. It was a common occurrence in the Winchester home. Cas always felt as if they had a tumultuous marriage, but Dean explained a few times that was just his parents’ way. It was when they _weren't_ talking to each other that meant trouble. Cas’ own parents’ marriage was the polar opposite. No harsh words or tones were used unless they were fighting, which thankfully was rare. 

“We should probably start heading out. Got a long way to go,” Dean piped up quickly, pulling Cas back out of his thoughts. 

“So soon?” Naomi protested. “I could make you guys some breakfast.”

“We just left the diner before we got here,” Cas answered, apologetically. 

“Oh, all right,” she said softly. Tears started springing up in her eyes as she hugged Cas tightly again, his dad joining in for a group hug. 

“Where you boys stopping at?” John asked.

“Goodland. But we'll stop somewhere along the way for lunch and gas if we need to,” Dean said, watching as his mom had her chance to say goodbye to Cas.

“Goodland? That's a hell of a drive,” Chuck said, then chuckled nervously. 

“About six hours away. Depending on how often we stop, we'll get there around seven. Maybe eight o’clock the latest.”

“I want you guys to stay in touch. Call me when you stop, okay?” Mary told Dean firmly. “I don't want to worry about you guys getting hit by a semi.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom,” Dean deadpanned.

“I'm serious, Dean!” She swatted his arm. “Cas, you're the responsible one. Make sure you guys call me whenever you stop.”

“Yes, ma'am. I'll be sure to call you. And you, too, Mom,” Cas turned his head to Naomi, adding his reassurance quickly. She gave a small, watery smile and nodded. 

“Oh, geez,” Dean sighed, rolling his eyes, “can we go now?”

“Always so bossy,” Cas teased. 

Dean just walked away, Mary on his tail, trying to get him to stop for a hug. Cas laughed softly as he got into the van, watching and waiting patiently as it took at least another ten minutes before Dean was able to finally escape his mom's clutches. Cas started up the GPS, having already programmed the address for L.A. the night before. He glanced over his shoulder, checking to see if Dean was moving. Apparently, Dean was waiting for him too as he stuck an arm out the window and held it up as if to ask ‘well?’. Cas simply waved back, letting him know he was backing out. 

They were now on their way to Cas’ new life.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas turned on the radio as he headed towards the turnpike, glad he didn't need to fight with Dean about what to listen to. Sometimes a person grew tired of listening to the same six tapes over and over, but he knew he would be hard pressed to ever convince Dean of that.

Unsurprisingly, the turnpike had a good amount of traffic on it, though I-70 was moving steadily despite the amount of cars. Cas rest his elbow on the window ledge, his fist against his temple. He kept his eyes on the road but managed to watch the passing farms and hills which lined both sides of the asphalt. Eventually, he pulled off at their first toll booth. Rolling down his window, he grabbed his ticket and drove through, pulling off to the side just a little bit past the booth. Dean followed through and pulled up behind him. Cas carefully got out of the car and walked towards the Continental as Dean rolled down the driver's window. 

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing. I just want your ticket, is all.”

“My what?” Dean asked, glancing around him. 

“The toll ticket. I want it.” Castiel stuck his hand inside the window a little bit, waiting for Dean to hand it over.

“What? No, dude. You're not paying my fucking toll!” He didn't sound mad or upset. 

“Just hand it over, Dean. I don't want to get hit by a semi standing out here.”

“You're the goofy ass who pulled over,” Dean singsonged, relenting and handing him the slip of thick paper. 

“Thank you.” Cas smiled, taking the ticket and pocketing it. “I thought we'd stop in Salina for lunch, a couple hours away. Think you can last that long?” he asked with a smirk.

“Oh, you're hysterical, dude,” Dean quipped. “Get your ass in the van,” he mock snapped. 

Cas laughed as he returned to his vehicle, leading them back onto the road. When they arrived in Salina, they stopped at a restaurant not far from the turnpike. It wasn't fancy, just a nice and simple family restaurant. They had just sat down when the waitress came over to their table. She seemed friendly, maybe a tad on the bored side, as she handed them menus and got their drink orders. As she walked off, Cas pulled out his phone from his pocket.

“You calling already? It's only been a couple hours.”

“And your mom said to call when we've stopped. Well, we stopped,” Cas insisted, punching the call button.

“Such a mama's boy,” Dean teased, flipping open the menu and scanning the page for burgers.

Cas playfully glared at him. “Hi, Mary, it's me… Yes, we're in Salina for lunch… Nope, no problems…” Cas paused, listening to Mary on the other end. His brow scrunched up in concentration as he answered, “Um, I'm not sure. I think it'll probably be another couple of hours until we get to the hotel… Okay, I'll tell him… Bye.”

“Tell me what?” Dean asked, not looking at him as he dragged a finger across the laminated menu, studying the burger description.

“She said not to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I'm following _your_ pokey ass. So, there's no danger of that.”

“I prefer to get to the hotel in one piece, thank you very much.”

“So would I… just a little quicker.” Dean smirked, glancing up at Cas before looking back down at the page.

“You're impossible.” Cas sighed, shaking his head as he opened his menu.

“Yeah, but you love me!” Dean quipped back, causing Cas to look back up.

Neither men said anything as they just sat and stared at each other. Cas watched as Dean's cheeks grew pinker from his blush spreading, looking absolutely adorable. Cas knew it had been a slip of the tongue and not a declaration of love, but not for the first time, he wished it had been.

Dean felt his cheeks burning. What the hell was wrong with him? And by judging the look on Cas’ face, Dean knew Cas was embarrassed for him. Hell, he was embarrassed for _himself_. 

“I'm... I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean it like that,” he stammered awkwardly.

“It's fine. Honestly,” Cas reassured him gently, “you don't have to be ashamed. I love you as my best friend, you know that.”

There, it almost sounded normal. Cas hoped nothing in his voice gave him away. It would be pretty shitty if things turned awkward now, especially during the road trip. Not that he hadn't fantasized once or twice of that scenario... Alone together, staying in the same hotel room bed, just having a little ‘road trip fun’. 

_Stop it_. He couldn't think about that now and risk getting turned on in front of the man. That would be absolutely mortifying.

Dean nodded back, forcing his gaze back down to the menu. And there it was, the infamous kiss off. Instantly ‘friend zoned’. Dean should be grateful Cas wasn't insulted, or worse, had gotten mad and sent him back home. But Cas’ reasoning only frustrated him. Not at Cas, but at himself. True, he wasn't a fan of gushing his feelings, but he truly needed to watch what he said. He’d made it this long without telling Cas how he truly felt, and he wasn’t about to start spouting about it now. Fucking awesome.

Thankfully, the waitress returned to both of their relief. “Have you boys decided what you want?”

“Uh, yeah. I'll take the cheeseburger,” Dean answered, eyes scanning the manu once more. “Oh! And an order of fries.”

“I'll just have the turkey club,” Cas answered, folding up his menu. 

“Sounds good. I’ll get that right in for you boys.” She grabbed their menus and left them alone.

Dean turned his head and looked out the window. “We should stop for gas before we start going again. Damn guzzler doesn't hold shit.”

“I thought you said you weren't going to insult my car anymore?”

“No. What I _said_ , was I wasn't going to insult her in front of her. And I didn't.”

“I don't know what you have against her. She's very reliable, considering her age.”

“Yeah,” Dean scoffed, “cause I'm not letting you drive a death machine.”

“I suppose I need to find a new mechanic now.”

“Once you find one, let me know. I'll tell you if he's gouging you or not,” Dean said, very seriously. Castiel found himself smiling.

“Of course I will, you taught me well.” 

“I tried,” Dean corrected. 

Silence fell between them again, though this time it wasn’t as awkward. Dean moved to look out the window again, watching nothing in particular.

“Dean?” 

Cas’ voice was so soft, Dean wasn't sure if he actually heard it as he looked to Cas.

“I don't like feeling as if things are weird between us. Just… I don't know… rant about something,” Cas suggested.

“Rant? I don't rant.”

“Oh, you most certainly do.” Cas smiled. “You went on a ten minute spiel when that guy tried getting you to use your employee discount on him at work, remember?”

“Well, yeah--”

“And the waitress at that restaurant when we went to visit Gabe.”

“They were the ones who boasted about the best pie in tri-county,” Dean tried arguing.

“Yes, I'm sure calling their cook a ‘worthless hack’ absolutely endeared you to them.”

“I stand by what I said!” He shrugged.

Cas chuckled, feeling like things were going back to normal between them, thankfully. They continued with their playful banter until the waitress returned with their food. Dean noticed the lack of fries on Cas’ plate and grabbed a handful of his own, plopping them down next to Cas’ sandwich.

“Dean! I don't need that much,” Cas argued.

“Just deal with it.” Dean wiped his hands on his napkin.

Cas sighed, shaking his head as he picked up his sandwich and took a bite. Dean couldn't stop from staring. Cas looked at him with a raised eyebrow in question. Instead of answering, Dean simply looked away, starting to eat his own food. 

Dean had been staring. That had _definitely_ been a stare. But for what reason? Had he taken a bite oddly? Dribbled his food out of the corners of his mouth? Something had caused Dean to stare at him, right? Cas knew he lacked some social cues, so perhaps he was wrong, but he’d never had a problem reading Dean before... 

He often wished he was as confident as Gabe. His brother was able to talk to anyone about anything and never worried if he sounded foolish. Even Amara was graceful and confident. It seemed every awkward trait his parents ever possessed were handed down to him and only him. Sometimes it still surprised him that Dean willingly continued their friendship, much less referred to him as ‘best friend’. He couldn't imagine a more mismatched pair of friends than themselves.

“Jesus, dude. I can hear you overthinking from here.”

“Oh, I'm not,” Cas assured him, quickly shoving a fry in his mouth and forcing a smile as he chewed. “Just making sure I did everything. Plus, if I need to buy anything, I want to have an idea in my head before going to the store.” 

He hated lying to Dean... but to be fair, it wasn’t a full lie. The thought _had_ occurred to him.

“Your place is furnished, dude.”

“No, I know. But some things aren't provided. Plates, glasses, silverware. Bath towels, washcloths, things of that nature.”

“Like I said; overthinking too much. We'll get stuff before I leave.”

“Wow. You _will_ miss me. You're honestly _asking_ to go shopping with little ‘ole me?” Cas teased.

“Hey, I shop,” Dean told him, holding his arms out to the side to show he had to get clothes somehow.

“And you do a very fine job, Dean,” he reassured Dean who promptly flipped him off. 

This was how their friendship was supposed to be, easy teasing banter between them. Cas hated when anything upset the scales in his life and experiencing Dean's aversion to anything questioning his sexuality was enough for Cas to avoid the topic altogether. From here on out, Cas vowed he would work harder at suppressing his growing crush. Dean's friendship was too important. 

Dean watched Cas, seeing different emotions sweeping over his face before disappearing, none of which he was able to decipher quick enough before the emotion was gone. He hated feeling as if he was missing something, something just outside his grasp. 

“I think we're making good time. We only got a couple more hours before we hit Goodland,” Cas said suddenly. 

What? Oh, right. The road trip. “Yeah. We should be getting there about seven. What time is it now?” he asked, looking at his watch. “Just after three-thirty. So, yeah. Definitely better than last time.”

“At least till we pass through Utah,” Cas scoffed, remembering how he’d almost gotten them lost.

“Last time you didn't have that GPS and I didn't know you couldn't read the Atlas.”

“That doesn't make me feel better,” Cas muttered, blushing slightly.

“Hey, we made it, right? We just took the scenic route!” Dean laughed.

Cas acted insulted, balling up his napkin and tossing it at Dean, who only laughed harder. Flagging their waitress down, Cas signaled for their check.

“We gonna squabble over the check?” Dean asked, his tone still playful.

“Absolutely,” Cas retorted. “You have to spoil me in order to keep my friendship.”

“See?” He snapped his fingers, pointing at him. “I always knew you were high maintenance.”

The waitress returned with their check, looking between them and not sure who give it to. Cas simply smiled as he slid it out of her fingers, thanking her politely. She just shrugged and walked away.

“Give it here,” Dean said, wiggling his fingers.

“Not a chance. I pay for snacks, remember?” Cas held the check against his chest.

“You call _this_ a snack?” he asked, looking down at their empty plates.

“No. _I_ call this a late lunch. But I know _you'd_ call it a snack. So, therefore I'm paying. And besides, you paid for the hotel rooms, right?” 

“Yeah, so? I didn't exactly break the bank there.” Though he did pull in a lot of overtime, as much as he could, to help with pay for the rooms.

“Then this is my contribution. Food and gas. And I know it takes a lot to feed you.”

“Hey, I'm a growing boy,” Dean argued.

“If you're not careful, you'll be _growing_ all right.”

“Oh, what, you wouldn't love me if I got fat?” he challenged, ignoring the fact he mentioned the word love. _Again_. Jesus, Winchester… on a roll.

“How fat are we talking?”

“Huge. Jubba the Hut fat.”

“No, sorry. We couldn't be friends.” Cas shook his head, wrinkling his nose at the thought.

“I'd get you a chain bikini?” Dean offered, smiling and winking.

“I am not wearing a bikini, Dean. Chain or otherwise.” Cas sighed, rolling his eyes as he slid out of the booth.

“C’mon. I think you could pull it off. Might just have to get some sun, is all.”

“I'm not wearing a bikini for your kinky fantasies,” Cas replied as he started walking towards the register.

“So, you _would_ wear one?” Dean grinned triumphantly. 

Cas just gave him a look as they approached the counter. Dean being Dean didn't let that stop him. He stood right behind him, leaning down to breathe in his ear. “I bet you’d look awesome in one,” he whispered.

Dean's breath tickled Cas’ ear, making him scrunch his shoulders up. “Dean,” he warned.

“Just think about it,” he continued.

“Stop,” Cas giggled, nudging him in an attempt to push him away. “Behave.”

Yes, behave, Cas prayed to himself. Behave heart which was racing. And definitely behave body which now felt like a livewire, starting to feel him harden. He loved Dean's playful side at times, easily making Cas laugh. But now Cas was fighting an uphill battle of keeping his feelings in check, afraid what Dean's reaction would be if he saw the effect he had on Cas’ body. Thankfully, Dean stepped away from him. Cas quietly exhaled, trying to compose himself. Damn it, Dean was frustrating. 

Cas smiled politely at the hostess, glancing around as he checked customers out but kept one eye on Dean to prepare himself should he come back. But Dean just waited for him at the end of the counter, once again playing with the various items. 

“If you're quite ready,” Cas told him a few minutes later, nudging him towards the doors. 

“Next stop is the hotel, right?” Dean asked, once they were outside.

“No, we have to get gas, remember?”

“Right. Almost forgot.”

“Do you want to lead then? You're better at scoping them out than me.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Please don't go speeding away. I don't want to get separated.”

“I won't leave you. I promise,” Dean chuckled as he walked away towards the car. “Not that it's capable of speeding away.” 

“Again with the insults.” 

“You gotta admit, it's not Baby.”

“I'm not out street racing, Dean. She's a very dependable car.”

“Yeah, yeah. You ready to go?”

“Waiting on you... as usual,” Cas teased.

“Cute, Novak.” Dean chuckled.

They found a gas station down the street. As promised, Cas went inside to pay for both vehicles. Coming out, he stopped in his tracks for a moment. Some woman stood next to Dean, talking to him, obviously openly flirting with him. Her fingers twirled in her hair while her other hand rested on Dean's arm. He was unable to hear what they were talking about, but Dean was obviously making jokes, hearing Dean's laughter. 

Of course.

How idiotic he was. Dean was obviously straight. For a moment forgetting, allowing himself to revel in Dean's attention at the restaurant. He didn't need the reminder nor wanting to witness Dean's shameless flirting either. He slowly made his way back to the truck on the other side of the pump of Dean's car, mentally praying they wouldn't notice him. But he never had the best of luck.

“Oh, you're back,” Dean noticed him instantly, tipping his head in the woman’s direction. “This here's Cindy. She's going to... where was it again?” He looked at her with a grin. 

“San Francisco,” she reminded him with a giggle.

“Right. San Francisco. This here's my buddy Cas,” he introduced formally. 

“Hi, Cas,” Cindy greeted him, wiggling her fingers in a wave but wasn’t looking at him, instead her attention was all on Dean. 

God, he hated her. He pressed his lips together to keep from snapping at her, politely smiling. Dean just smiled at him, winking. _Great_. He was going to be forced to watch Dean's continuing flirtation with this giggly bimbo. His smile fell, turning around to the van and unscrewing the gas cap. Keeping his back to them, he grabbed the pump hose and put it the truck's tank, praying for the world to swallow him whole.

All right, something was wrong. Cas suddenly looked tense. He seemed okay at the restaurant and in the parking lot. Was he upset because he’d flirted with him at the register? Embarrassed at how he teased him earlier? No, that wasn’t it. Cas would have said _something_ if he was embarrassed. Hell, he had done so plenty of times over the years. The man had no problems calling him out whenever he thought Dean was being a… what was the term? Right, assbutt. Wherever he got that from, Dean didn't know. All he knew now was Cas acted as if he… 

Whoa. No way. Was Cas _jealous_? Jealous of who, him? He hadn’t asked Cindy to come over. _She_ approached _him_. Not vice versa. Watching Cas, Dean saw him keeping shooting glances at him, as if he was waiting for something. Dean suddenly wished she'd just stop crowding him, feeling uncomfortable. 

“I gotta go,” he told her, not sure why he annoyed.

“Do you want my number? You know, in case you ever find yourself in San Francisco,” Cindy quickly asked, hopeful. 

“Uh, sure,” Dean said cautiously, glancing in Cas’ direction while he was putting the hose back. 

Cindy held her hand out to him. Dean quickly looked back to her, glancing down at her hand, not catching on.

She giggled again as she asked, “Your phone?”

“Oh, right. My phone,” he repeated, pulling it from his pocket and handing it to her. 

“Now you promise to call, right?” She was typing away as she added her info, glancing up once to meet his gaze.

“Scout’s honor.”

“Were you a boy scout?”

“No. But I wanted to be.” He grinned, hoping it sounded sincere.

Cindy giggled again as if he said the funniest thing in the world. Dean simply glanced at Cas who was rolling his eyes with a dark expression. Okay... So, not jealous of him. Another thought came to him and Dean found himself unable to stop staring at Cas. Cindy gave his arm one last squeeze as she handed him back his phone. He just mindlessly pushed it back into pocket without another glance in her direction.

Feeling eyes on his back, Cas turned around and was surprised seeing Dean leaning against the car, arms crossed, just staring at him and no sign of Cindy. His first thought Dean was upset at his rudeness, but Dean didn't look mad. He almost looked… confused? Why would he be looking at him confused?

“Are you done?” he asked Dean, stepping to his side of the pumps.

Dean didn't answer, just kept staring.

“Dean?” Cas said louder. 

“Huh?” he asked dumbly. 

“What's wrong with you?” Cas asked with concern.

“N-nothing,” Dean answered, looking away from Cas and around the station, anything to keep from meeting his friend’s gaze and being forced to analyze it. Or worse, have himself analyzed.

“Well, are you done or are you too busy flirting?” Cas hoped he didn’t sound bitter. 

“Shut up,” Dean told Cas, sounding embarrassed. 

“Uh-huh,” Cas said knowingly, starting to undo the Continental’s gas cap. “What's wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” Dean answered quickly. “Just anxious to get back on the road. I want to get to the hotel is all.” He swallowed, his mouth felt absolutely dry. 

“Do you have the address? I'll need it for the GPS.”

“Yeah. I'll look it up,” Dean said, grabbing his phone again, thankful for the distraction.

After a few minutes, Cas asked, trying to keep his voice steady, “Are you really going to give Cindy a call?”

“Doubtful. She's in California and I'm in Kansas,” Dean answered, scrolling on his phone. “Here we go. The address for the hotel. Show me that electronic doo-dad of yours.”

“It's not mine. It's the van’s ‘doo-dad’.” Cas actually wiggled his fingers to indicate his quotation marks.

Dean snickered softly, laying his hand on Cas’ shoulder as they walked to the van’s driver side. “Don't ever change, dude.” 

Cas glanced over his shoulder and smiled back at him. How quickly things were forgiven from just a mere touch, absolutely pathetic. 

Getting back in the van, Cass started up the ignition in order to power up the GPS. “All right, what's the address?” he asked, not prepared for Dean to lean in closer, his entire top half practically laid across him. Cas felt his heart racing again, hoping to God Dean hadn’t noticed. Not wanting the touching to end, he intentionally messed up the address. Or... maybe not intentional, as his fingers were shaking. Finally, he was able to ignore the heat from Dean’s body, adding the hotel’s correct address. 

“ _Now_ the next stop is the hotel,” he told Dean who still hadn't moved away. 

What did Cas say? Dean racked his mind, trying to remember. He just stood there practically laying across Cas! And Cas was letting him. Why was he letting him? Wasn't he mad just three minutes ago? Cas confused the fuck out of him. Hell, he was confused himself. He should go to the car, right? Just turn around and go to the car. But his body didn't move. 

“...um…” Dean tried saying something. 

“We should probably leave... before we hold up traffic,” Cas, thankfully, added. 

“Uh, right. I'll just... “ he trailed off, straightening up and taking a small step away before he was able to turn and walked away. _Fucking idiot_ was his constant mantra as he walked to the car. Once he got in the car, Cindy walked past the front of the car, waving as she returned to her car. Dean waved in return, quickly glancing towards the van to make sure Cas didn't see but, thankfully, he wasn't paying attention, not wanting to piss him off again. 

Soon they were back on their way towards the turnpike. Just a couple more hours and they could finally stop for the night. Had Dean would have been agreeable, they could have flown to L.A. But, unfortunately, Dean had a deathly fear of flying, no way in hell he would have agreed to stepping one toe on a plane. Cas’ lower back already started protesting about the van’s shocks, which he only knew about because of Dean, trying to remember if their first trip left him feeling this uncomfortable, already planning on soaking in the tub later. 

They finally reached the hotel around six-thirty. Pulling into a parking space, Cas decided to call his parents, letting them know they made it safely. He looked up, seeing Dean's reflection in side mirror approaching, and Cas opened the door as he held the phone up to his ear.

Seeing Cas on the phone, Dean indicated he was going inside to register them. Cas nodded as he started talking, “Hi, Mom… we just got here. Dean's getting the keys…” He paused, listening to Naomi on the other end.

“It went well. No problems. Just a very long drive… No, tomorrow's the same... We're going the same way again, so we'll be in Colorado by tomorrow night. We'll be staying the night in Grand Junction…” He laughed at his mother’s groan, easily picturing the expression on her face. “I know it's long. I'm feeling it… I know... We do stop, Mom… Yes, as much as either of us need… I have to go. Dean's coming back… Yes, I'll call before we leave… I love you, too… I'll let him know. Bye, Mom.” He hung up with a sigh, getting out of the van as Dean returned.

“At what age do I have to hit before she stops treating me like a child?” Cas asked, feeling grumpy from the long drive. 

“From what I see with my grandma? Never. She still mothers my mom. Or tries to.”

“I can't imagine anyone mothering Mary,” he chuckled, shoving his phone into the back pocket of his jeans. “She's the mother hen. Well, outside of my mom, of course.”

“Dude, she asked me this morning if I packed enough underwear. Really?” 

Cas chuckled again. “I can see why she asked.”

“You want to sleep in the van?” Dean mock threatened.

“No, please? I already hurt,” he pleaded. “I just want to soak and go to bed.”

“It's not even seven o’clock yet, dude!”

“I'm not used to driving for long periods of time,” Cas argued.

“Well, grab your bag from the car, Grandpa, and let's go to the room.”

Cas followed him, grabbing their duffle bags. As they walked, Dean handed Cas the second set of keys. Their room was a few doors from the main office and as soon as Dean unlocked the door, they were greeted by cool air. Apparently, one of the staff members had thought to turn on the air conditioning for them. 

The room was fairly big, the walls a light beige color, the carpet a standard blue. A double bed was to the immediate right against the wall and to the left was a queen-sized bed next to a small round table with two chairs. A wooden dresser sat opposite the ends of the beds, a television hung on the corner of the wall. The bathroom was small but thankfully there was a tub. Setting his bag on one of the double beds closest to him, Cas opened it, starting to dig for his pajamas. “Do you mind if I go first?” he asked, trying not to beg. 

“No, go ahead. I'll take a shower in the morning,” Dean answered, checking out the view from the window before closing the curtains. “You hungry? We got some time if you wanted to get something from the restaurant before your bath.”

Cas knew Dean who was the hungry one but hated eating alone. “Yeah, sure,” he agreed, setting his clothes on the sink in the bathroom

Dean made sure they both their keycards before heading back out. Not too far from hotel's parking lot was a tan building with a bright red neon sign shining with the name _Shiraz Steak House and Bar_. During their last visit, Dean fell in love with the steak and mashed potatoes, even surprising Cas by ordering the green beans. Dean was notorious for avoiding vegetables like the plague. Cas remembered how well he liked their ribs, already deciding on that. It wasn't too crowded for a Monday night. Deciding on a table in the corner, a server came over a few minutes later.

“Can I get you guys anything from the bar?” She asked, holding out two menus towards Dean.

“A Sam Adams for me. Cas?” Dean asked, taking the menus from her, laying one in front of Cas. 

“Just an iced tea, please.”

“I'll give you guys a moment,” she told them, off to retrieve their drinks.

“I already know what I want,” Cas told him, setting his menu to the side.

“Mm, I'm not sure.”

“You know you'll get the steak. You raved about it for ten minutes last time.”

“Oh, yeah. That was a good steak.”

A few minutes later, the waitress returned with their drinks and they placed their order. As she walked away from them, Cas reached for his glass and pulled the paper top off of his straw.

“What time are we heading out in the morning?” Cas asked, sipping his tea. 

“Not too early. I wanna sleep in some,” Dean decided, taking a swallow of his beer, ignoring the glass the waitress brought for him. 

“Not too early,” Cas promised. “Where are we going again?” He couldn’t remember, too many stops on their journey. 

“Salida, Colorado. But that's a pit stop just for lunch,” Dean answered. 

“Right, Salida.” Cas sighed, knowing he’d forget again. “Remind me to get some Tylenol before we head back to the hotel, please.”

“Oh, for your back?” Dean asked sympathetically. 

“I forgot how long of a drive it is to L.A,” Cas groaned. 

“Don't get any ideas. I'm not getting on a plane. That's you and Sammy’s way of going.” On several occasions bringing up the idea of flying rather than driving. No way in hell was he leaving Baby for that long of a period. Not to mention it would be a cold day in hell before he stepped on one of those metal death traps. 

“Planes are completely safe, Dean,” Cas tried informing him. 

“Yeah,” he scoffed, ”until they fall like dead weight. No thanks. Driving's for me. Even if it's not Baby. See there? Not an insult.”

Cas just smiled. “I admire your restraint.” He picked up a couple pink sugars, shaking them before opening them and dumping them in his iced tea.

“We'll get breakfast then head out,” Dean said. “Make sure you take your pills beforehand.”

“They still offer the Continental breakfast till nine. I saw the advertising on the dresser.”

“Those are awesome.”

“Perhaps we should warn them to double the bacon.”

“Hey, I make no apologies for my love of bacon, pie, or good music.” Castiel shook his head with a smile.

Their food arrived a short time later, Cas glanced at Dean's plate with a laugh. “There's your favorite; green beans.”

“I'll have you know I do eat vegetables. What do you think is in the filling of pot pies?”

“That isn't exactly the recommended amount, Dean.” He rolled his eyes, smiling. “Your diet consists mainly of bacon, junk food, and pie.”

“Sounds good, sign me up.” Dean grinned, lightly tapping the table with his palm. 

“Dean,” Cas sighed again, this time he sounded concerned, “Promise me you'll take care of yourself.”

“You worry too much, man.” 

“And that's my prerogative as your best friend. I'm allowed to worry.”

Dean couldn't really fault him for his concern. He knew he was going worry about Cas being on the West coast all alone. That was _his_ prerogative. 

The conversation died down as they continued eating, though it was comfortable; silences were moments of just enjoying each other's company. Once both finished their meals, Cas saw how much the diner’s customers thinned out as it was getting closer to closing time. Quickly paying, they left in order to hit the store before it, too, would close for the night.

With Dean's insistence, Cas headed back to the room while he hit the drug store. Cas didn't realize how much he was hurting until he actually started soaking. A deep moan of appreciation escaped as he slid down underneath the water. He laid his head against the wall and closed his eyes. The water was just fantastic and he didn't want to move. Ever. 

Dean ended up finding a Wal-Mart just a block away. He hated the confusing aisles and felt triumphant when he finally found the pain relievers. He grabbed a box of Tylenol as well as pain cream, wondering if Cas would permit him applying the cream to him. So he had ulterior motives, sue him. 

Nearly forty minutes later, Dean finally returned, finding Cas stretched out on his stomach on top of the double bed wearing shorts and a tee shirt. The television was on but he doubted Cas was paying attention since his eyes were closed. 

“Think we could find a hotel with Magic Fingers?” Cas asked, his voice sounding muffled from one side of his face pressed against the bed. 

“We do, I'll fight you for it,” Dean scoffed. “Here, sit up.” 

He got Cas a cup of water as Cas groaned from having to move. Opening the box, Dean opened the bottle and shook out two capsules and handed them to Cas. “I want you to take your shirt off.”

Cas looked at him with confusion as he swallowed the pills down.

“C’mon, take it off. I got you some cream that's supposed to help.”

“Don't tickle me,” Cas warned as he slipped his shirt off.

“Relax. I'm not gonna tickle you. Trust me.” He smiled. 

“And yet you say that with a smile.”

“Just lay back down you baby,” Dean playfully chastised. 

Cas hesitated for a moment, looking at Dean with a glare before laying down on his stomach again, arms tight against his sides. Dean straddled him, trying not to think about how Cas felt under him.

“Would you relax? I told you I wouldn't tickle you and I won't.”

Cas slowly relaxed his arms as Dean opened the tube of pain cream, squirting out a quarter size amount in the palm of his hand. Tossing the tube on the nightstand between the beds, Dean rubbed his hands together to warm up the cream before he started massaging Cas’ lower back. 

“Damn, dude. Your back’s like in knots.” 

“I told you.”

As Dean worked on Cas’ back, soft moans were the only sounds. Dean tried not to think too much about him touching Cas’ bare skin, or how his moans sounded as he was practically sitting on Cas’ ass. The last thing either needed was for him to get aroused which would be a little hard to explain away. Slowly, Cas’ muscles were loosening as Cas stopped making any type of noise. Looking down to him, it appeared the man had actually fallen asleep. 

He slowed his motions, carefully withdrawing before standing and grabbing a few tissues off the nightstand. He wiped his hands clean before untangling the blankets from where they’d fallen to the floor off the end of the bed and covered Castiel up. Dean unbuckled his jeans, sliding them off and kicked them towards the dresser, leaving on his boxes and tee shirt, then crawled under the covers of the opposite queen-sized bed, grabbing the television remote, finding a cooking show and reached over to turn the light off. He looked over at Cast, making sure the volume wasn’t disturbing him. 

“Night, dude,” Dean told Cas’ sleeping form, eventually drifting off to sleep himself.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Dean was surprised to find he was the first one awake after glancing back over at Cas who was on his side with his back to him. Looking at the clock, he saw it was already eight o’clock. Sitting up on his elbows, he saw the television was still on, showing some morning talk show and he stretched to grab the remote to turn it off. Cas still hadn't moved or woken up as Dean grabbed fresh clothes from his bag. Holding them in a ball in his arms, he came over to the side of Cas’ bed and gently shook him.

“Hey… Cas? C’mon, time to wake up,” Dean said softly, not wanting to startle him. 

“I don't want to,” Cas protested in a sleepy voice.

“You got to. Breakfast is only for another hour. I'm gonna shower real quick, so get your lazy ass up, dude.”

Cas groaned as he rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to look at Dean. “I thought you wanted to sleep in?”

“We did sleep in! We went to bed before eleven.” Dean gave him a small smile, then asked, “How's your back feel?”

“I haven't moved yet, so I don't know.”

“Well, take a couple more pills and get dressed. We'll check out after we eat.”

“Fuck,” Cas whined, making Dean chuckle.

Confident Cas would start to move, Dean headed in the direction of the bathroom to shower. Castiel sat up slowly, his eyes half closed as he waited to see how his body would feel. Surprisingly, his back felt fine. He slipped off the edge of the bed and dug through his own bag on the dresser, trying not to think about the massage Dean gave him the night before. 

He hadn’t actually meant to fall asleep, but Dean’s hands running over his back, fingers digging into his muscles… it had just felt so good. He had to stop thinking about the weight of Dean’s body pressing him into the mattress or else he would get aroused again. 

By the time Dean finished in the bathroom, Cas was dressed, had taken a few Tylenol, and had packed the few things that he’d managed to spread around the room. He took his turns in the bathroom as soon as Dean came out of it. 

“Are we taking our stuff with us, or coming back?” Cas called out through the closed door.

“I'll check us out if you wanna take the bags out?” Dean answered, fixing his hair in the large mirror over the dresser. He heard Cas snort and paused his fingers to listen. 

“Then are we getting this breakfast you promised?”

“You should know me. I _never_ skip on breakfast.”

Cas came out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later and threw his toothbrush into his bag, holding onto his tee shirt. He hesitated for only a moment before asking, “Can you put more of that cream on me? I'd rather get ahead of any pain.”

“Sure,” Dean replied with a shrug, giving him a small smile. He hoped he didn’t sound too eager about being able to touch Cas again. Cas dug through the end of his bag and pulled out the medicated cream, tossing it over. Dean caught it one handed and flicked open the cap, squeezing out a fair amount before tossing the bottle back. 

Cas waited a moment, then turned to face the dresser, pressing both palms flat on the surface and bracing himself. 

“Ready?” Dean asked, meeting Cas’ eyes through his reflection. 

Cas nodded, swallowing hard as Dean moved in closer. He was unable to stop thinking how this is what they would like if they were having sex. _Goddamn it!_ Why the hell would he think about _that_? But now, he couldn't look away from their reflection, Dean’s eyes locked with his as he massaged Cas’ back. 

As Dean hit a particularly sensitive spot, Cas couldn’t stop the moan from escaping. Dean’s fingers played along the bumps of Cas’ spine causing him to moan again. Dean didn’t say anything, continuing to move his hands as he gently rubbed Cas’ back, and Cas’ breathing came in quicker. He felt himself growing harder in his jeans, his erection pressing this side of uncomfortable against the zipper, and he turned, unable to stand it anymore. They stood nearly nose to nose, the air between them seemed to crackle with sexual tension. 

This was _Dean_. Cas wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but he knew he had less than two seconds to revel in how close they were before the moment was over. But, rather than retreat as Cas expected, Dean stepped closer. Castiel’s ass hit the dresser and Dean leaned in and kissed him.

_Dean was kissing him._

Fuck. Dean’s head was spinning. He didn't know what possessed him to start touching Cas, but just couldn't _stop_ , not that he wanted to either. His fingers gently stroked Cas’ back, moving higher each time. Now they were kissing and it felt incredible. Cas’ lips were warm and so soft... Wait. Was that his tongue slipping inside Cas’ mouth? Cas kissed him in return, just as gentle and slow. Fuck, he was getting hard, he could feel his erection pushing against the inseam of his jeans. 

Dean moaned softly, reaching up to cup Cas’ face with a hand. Their kisses grew deeper, more desperate. He gasped softly when Cas suddenly spun them and pushed him against the dresser. Cas’ hands clung to the back of Dean's shirt in fistfuls, pulling the material up. Getting the hint, Dean broke contact long enough to pull his shirt off, dropping it by their feet. 

Neither one moved for a few minutes, just watching the other, chests heaving in tandem. They broke eye contact, both getting their fill of their other one before them. Then, unable to stand it any more, Cas practically lunged at Dean. He grabbed Dean’s hips and yanked him in, moving backwards towards the bed before turning them and pushing Dean down onto his back. Dean gasped as he fell, but his legs fell open in invitation. Cas quickly joined him, lying between Dean's legs and smiling down at him. They started kissing again, just as desperate and deeply as before. 

God, Cas wanted to touch him, _needed_ to touch him. “Dean…” That was the only thing he managed to say.

Understanding like he always seemed to do, Dean groaned. “Cas, _please_. I want...”

God, Dean’s whole body was on _fire_. And he loved it. He loved feeling Cas on top of him, being trapped underneath his muscular body. He loved wanting Cas to touch him, wanted to ask, but couldn't get the words out. Cas bent his head down, kissed his neck as another moan escaped. Who knew how great that could feel? The fire under his skin burned hotter as his hips started moving. Fuck. He was bumping against Cas, that was _Cas’_ hard on pressed against his own. 

“... _Please_ …” Dean pleaded again. 

Cas never stopped kissing at his pulse point, his tongue tracing along the skin as Dean felt Cas undoing the button and zipper of his jeans. He was going to lose his mind. He reached around, his hands desperately trying to grasp at something, and grabbed fistfuls of Cas’ hair. 

“ _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_ ,” he begged.

“Sshh,” Cas whispered, “I got you.”

Cas stroked the soft skin of Dean's stomach, fingers trailing along the thin strip of dark hair that dipped below the hem of his jeans. He’d never heard Dean sounding so desperate. Moving down from Dean's neck, Cas kissed down his chest softly, moving down his stomach, past his hips, as he shifted Dean’s jeans open and down. He kissed down until his nose brushed Dean's erection through his underwear. The desperate pleas coming from Dean was intoxicating and Cas was half tempted to tease Dean a bit by touching him over his underwear. But he just _had_ to know what Dean felt like in his hand and his mouth; he was just as turned on as Dean, his own erection straining against his jeans. 

That was it. The end for him. He nearly cried with desperation as he felt Cas peeling down the front of his underwear as his cock was released. He gasped as the sudden air was a shock to his heated skin, but before Dean could start begging again, he felt Cas wrapping his fingers his erection. _Oh fuck!_ His back arched off the bed, eyes squeezed closed as Cas started stroking him. He grabbed at the blankets, his fists twisted the blankets tightly as he moaned. The sound was heavy, ripped from his very soul. God, who knew being touched by Cas could feel so… _so?_

His hips moved on their own, meeting with each stroke of Cas’ fist, causing more moans. Then the touch suddenly stopped. Dean opened his eyes, lifted his head to look down at Cas in question, but Cas just winked and smiled. Then the fire started again as he felt the wet warmth of Cas’ mouth envelope him. He cried out, feeling Cas’ tongue wiggling underside of his cock as Cas took more of him in his mouth.

“Cas!” he practically shouted, his back arching again, pushing him further into the deep heat of Cas’ mouth.

Cas groaned, loving the sound of Dean crying out his name. He ran his tongue on the underside of Dean's cock, slowly moving down his shaft before starting to move back to the top in the same teasing manner. Dean's back kept arching as his hips met with Cas’ bobs. He wasn't going to last much longer, that Cas would make sure of. Hollowing out his cheeks, he started sucking a bit harder, moving faster.

“Yes! Like that! Please… don't stop! _DON'T STOP!_ ” Dean begged.

Oh, he had no intention of stopping. Driving Dean wild was absolutely on the morning’s agenda. He kept sucking, gently rolling one of Dean's balls with his hand. If he’d been loud crying out before, it was nothing compared to now. Dean actually _screamed_. Who knew his voice actually got that high? Cas smirked around Dean’s cock, loving hearing him coming apart. It might be his new favorite sound. 

He slowed the movements of his mouth, fingers pressing harder against Dean’s sac, not yet ready for it to end. Dean whimpered in protest and Cas smiled around Dean's cock. No, he definitely wasn't ready for it to end. Once again, he ran his tongue from the base of his cock to the tip, swirling on the head. 

“Cas... _please. God, please_ ,” Dean pleaded.

Cas ignored his pleas, rolling each of Dean's balls while kitten licking the tip of his cock. 

Dean squirmed, pulling on the blankets with both fists. “I need to come! Now! _Cas!_ ”

Desperation rang clear throughout Dean's voice as he begged. Cas kept teasing him, moving down to kitten lick on his left ball as he slowly stroked Dean, the change causing Dean to arch off the bed again.

“Urgh! AAH... CAS, I'M… I'M…” Dean never finished his sentence, coming in thick white ribbons on his chest and stomach. Cas simply took him back into his mouth, milking him as he swallowed every drop that came out, then licked the mess from Dean’s skin. Once Dean relaxed, Cas got up and looked up at his panting friend, the poor guy was just sprawled on the bed completely boneless. Cas just smiled smugly, standing up and wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb before bending down and picking up his discarded tee shirt and tossing Dean's at him. 

He couldn't fucking move. Even when his tee shirt landed on his stomach, he didn’t flinch. Fuck it, let it stay there for the moment. He was floating, content, happy to watch Cas put his shirt back on. The little shit actually smirked at him. 

“I'm not moving,” Dean informed him.

“Considering we missed breakfast, we have at least another couple hours before they kick us out. Unless they're coming to do so now with the way you screamed. They probably think I'm killing you in here.”

“That's their fault. They shoulda invested in soundproof rooms.”

Cas snickered before disappearing into the bathroom again. Dean heard him turning the water on and tinkering around with something. 

“What are you doing?” Dean called out.

“Cleaning my mouth out with mouthwash. Stale cum isn't exactly something I want on my breath.”

“Gross, dude,” Dean said, crinkling his nose in disgust.

“You asked.” Cas chuckled, finishing up.

Cas came back out of the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe, watching as Dean finally managed to sit up and put his shirt back on silently. 

“Are you okay?” Cas asked cautiously, worried he might have stepped out of line. 

“Um… yeah,” Dean smiled weakly, “I’m good.” 

He was better than ‘good’ but didn’t know how he felt about getting sucked off by his best friend, a best friend he was practically was in love with. What the hell was he supposed to say? _Thank you for the blow job?_ Yeah, that always went over well. Why the hell did Cas even _do_ that? Not that it wasn’t wanted, he wanted it very much. But Cas never gave him any indications about having mutual feelings. Maybe… it was just one of those things guy friends did? Although the idea of sucking off one of his male friends didn’t sound very appealing. 

Fuck. Seeing the change in Dean’s behavior, Cas’ first thought was he screwed up and now his friendship was going to pay the price. For one moment he let his feelings get the best of him and now Dean was disgusted with himself as well as him.

“C’mon,” Dean said, standing up and heading towards the door.

“Where we going?” Cas asked hesitantly.

“You promised breakfast,” Dean answered as if it should have been obvious, grabbing his bag and walking out the door.

Cas watched in silence, sighing as he followed him out, grabbing his own bag. Obviously, talking about what happened wasn’t something Dean was interested in doing. He’d caught his breath and practically sprinted out the door. Cas walked to the car, opening the back door and tossed his bag inside, angry with himself. He left the door wide open for Dean to add his bag and heading towards the van, feeling hot tears burning at the corners of his eyes as he got inside. He couldn’t help but slam the door behind him. 

Inside the main office, Dean waited for the clerk to check them out, leaning one hip against the faux marble desk and looked out to the parking lot. Watching Cas for a few minutes, guilt washed over him. It was official; he was an asshole. He had never been good at talking about his feelings -- just ask Meg -- but he knew he should’ve at least said _something_ to Cas rather than just running away. 

The clerk returned save him from his self-loathing and Dean quickly signed the copy of the credit card receipt. Heading out to the vehicles, he decided he had to talk to Cas, uncomfortableness be damned.

The small diner was surprisingly busy for a weekday, almost claustrophobic in its size. The kitchen was tucked in back behind rows of tables and chairs like in a banquet hall. Dean felt as if his boots were echoing loudly as he walked on the wooden floor. Sitting down at corner table by the front entrance, he sat in the seat closest to the wall and pulled out the chair next to him for Cas. If they were going to discuss things, he didn't want anyone overhearing them.

Cas hesitated for a couple seconds, glancing at the two other empty chairs on the other side of the table. 

“Sit, Cas,” Dean instructed.

Cas swallowed hard and sat down in the chair Dean pulled out, glancing around the restaurant, anything to avoid having to look at him. 

“Would you look at me?” Dean whispered as a waitress came over. He smiled politely at her, but Cas kept his gaze downwards, taking it upon himself to order the drinks for the both of them. “So, um, Cas,” Dean started once the waitress left them to look over their menus. “Look. I don’t know what happened. I mean, I _know_ what happened, but I don’t know why. I liked it. Really liked it, in fact. But I’m not sure we should… do that again.”

Cas swallowed his disappointment, glad he’d kept his gaze away from Dean’s face. He hoped the side profile Dean could see had maintained an air of indifference, despite the feeling of his heart shattering in his chest. “I see. I suppose being thought of as being gay would be an insult.”

“Cas, c’mon, man. Don’t make this more difficult, okay?” Dean sighed. 

Cas looked up and blinked at him, unsure of how to respond. He knew it was a risk sleeping with Dean, but he hadn’t been able to help it. Now Dean wanted to forget it ever happened. He just nodded silently, hating himself both for not wanting, or being able, to forget what happened and for allowing things get out of hand.

“We’ll move ahead,” Cas agreed softly, forcing a smile. 

“Move ahead,” Dean agreed, ignoring the pang of sadness.

Thankfully their food arrived quickly, and they ate while continuing to make small talk, trying to act as normal as possible. Once they were done, Cas paid for breakfast as Dean went outside to make the daily call to their parents. Cas joined him a few minutes later as Dean hung up.

“Mom said hi and the typical be safe speech.” He smiled as he rolled his eyes. “I'm thinking we'll cut it short today.”

“Meaning what exactly?”

“Meaning we'll stop somewhere after we've left Salida. Just gimme a couple minutes to reroute us.”

“But why stop early?” Cas didn't understand and part of him wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

“Cause, Cas. It's a couple hours before we’ll stop for lunch, maybe stop to get gas, then we’ll go for another two, three hours. Dad said there's a place called Burlington in Colorado, and it sounds like as good of a place as any.”

“Do you want to lead? You have the Atlas,” Cas offered.

“Yeah, sure. And I'll make sure I don't lose you,” Dean tried teasing, hoping to get rid of the heaviness between them. 

“Appreciated,” Cas simply said, without even a hint of a smile.

Dean’s small smile dropped instantly but didn’t get a chance to say anything before Cas turned away from him and walked to the van. 

Just as the previous day, they drove for a couple hours before Dean's stomach got the best of him and forced them to stop for lunch. By the time they reached their hotel for the night, Cas was tired. His back was hurting again and his heart felt heavy, still hurt from their conversation earlier. Once they got settled in the hotel room, Dean suggested Cas try soaking in the tub while he went to grab them dinner. 

Cas slid down against the back of the tub, sighing with contentment. It was nice not feeling constant vibrations throughout his back from driving, but he couldn’t help but wish he’d insisted on flying to L.A., fought harder against Dean's refusal to fly. They sure as hell would never have ended up in the situation they had that morning… But, he had to admit, moments such as soaking made up for it. Somewhat. 

He hated this new awkwardness between them, not even sure what the problem _was_. Nothing had changed between them, wasn’t that good? He’d acted on an impulse and it didn’t mean anything. Yet, that wasn’t entirely true. The problem lay with Dean wanting to forget what happened while he wanted to celebrate finally getting to bring pleasure to the man he had feelings for as long as he could remember. He felt another pang in his chest and forced himself to close his eyes, trying to relax his mind, sinking further down into the wonderful hot water. 

The sound of the door slamming shut and Dean calling out his name woke him up with a start, water splashing slightly over the side of the tub. He didn't even remember falling asleep. The bath water now was cold and he had slid down so far his mouth was just hitting the water’s edge. Cas quickly got out, dried himself off, and got dressed. Coming out of the bathroom he saw Dean standing at the small table tucked in the corner, pulling out what looked like a chicken sandwich and fries.

“Found a diner down the street,” Dean said, pulling out another sandwich from the bag which no doubt was a cheeseburger. “Sit down, you gotta be starving, too.”

Cas didn't realize how hungry he was until he took a first, large mouthful. Neither said much as they ate their meals, which was a blessing in disguise. Cas wasn’t sure he could handle another conversation. After he was finished with his sandwich and fries, Cas went to lie on the bed, his stomach feeling full. He watched quietly as Dean cleaned up their trash and stretched out on the next bed. Dean reached for the remote, flicking on the television to flip through the channels. 

Cas sighed, wiggling around on his stomach to free the covers from beneath him and get them over his shoulders. “Are we even getting closer to California?” He was too tired to try thinking about where they were in regard to a map of the country.

“Tired of me already?” Dean scoffed.

“Just feels we've been on the road for a month,” Cas said, ignoring the question.

“We only left yesterday. We got another couple days, then we'll be in L.A..”

“I wish we flew instead,” he grumbled.

Dean glanced over at him, blinking once, though Cas wasn’t looking at him. He cleared his throat. “Told ya, I'm not getting on a plane, dude. Not even for you.”

“We would've been there already,” Cas lightly argued. “We could have explored the city together.”

“Who says we can't when we get there?”

“Your new job,” he answered as if the answer should have been obvious.

“Yeah, there is that.”

Castiel looked over, watching Dean turn his head to look back at the TV, though they both knew he wasn’t watching it. “You sure you want to drive the van back?”

“How else am I getting it back home?”

“I don't know.” Cas sighed.

Dean looked over to Cas again, meeting his friend's gaze. “What's wrong, man?”

“I don't know.” Cas sighed again. “I just feel….”

“Feel… what?”

“Restless, I suppose.” _And stupid, and emotional, and…_

“Restless. You want to go out? I saw a bar down the street when I got us dinner. We could get a couple drinks.”

“No. I don't feel like going out.”

Dean gave a snort, responding, “That kind of limits our options.”

Cas hated being in a bad mood but there was no way he would, or could, say what was wrong out loud, much less out loud to Dean. Why couldn’t he just move on and stop caring like Dean obviously had? Why did he have to keep thinking about Dean – about that morning and every morning they’d had together? He couldn’t get the sound of Dean crying out in ecstasy as he orgasmed out of his head. It was music and torture. Cas curled up in a ball under the sheets, willing himself to fall asleep. _Damn it!_

“All right, that's it,” Dean told him, throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and standing up, moving to Cas’ bed instead.

“What are you doing?” Cas panicked. Did Dean sense something?

“Back on your stomach. C’mon, stop looking at me funny.”

Cas hesitated for only a moment, then moved to the middle of the bed on his stomach. He felt the dip of the mattress as Dean moved on it, then his weight as he straddled his legs. Cas closed his eyes, ready to accept a massage; not only would it make his back feel better, but if this was the only way Dean would touch him? He was selfish and needy and he would take it. 

For a few minutes nothing happened. Then be felt Dean’s fingers against his sides and he flinched, hard, pinned to the mattress.

“No! Dean, please don't.” Cas started squirming, despite Dean not moving his fingers.

“I haven't done anything,” Dean told him, chuckling with him.

“Please, please don't tickle me! Please?” He really didn’t mind Dean tickling him most of the time, but he wasn’t in a playful mood at the moment. 

“Stop. I'm not gonna tickle you.” Dean grinned, fingers pressing harder against Cas’ sides. “Well, maybe just a little. Just to cheer you up,” he explained.

Cas burst out laughing and start squirming as Dean started tickling his sides. “Dean!” He shouted in between laughter, thrashing between Dean’s spread legs.

“Yes?” Dean asked, innocently.

“Stahahahahop,” Cas pleaded as he laughed, trying unsuccessfully to get away. “Plehahahahahse! PLEASE!”

After a few more minutes, thankfully, Dean stopped. Cas let a few residual giggles out before he calmed down, his breathing heavy and Dean’s weight grounding him. “Are you done?” Cas asked, hoping he was. 

“Maybe. Are you in a better mood?” Dean drawled out mischievously, not moving his hands.

Cas groaned, bracing himself for another onslaught, tightening his arms against his sides and hoping to deter Dean. “Please, don’t,” he pleaded earnestly, still trying to get away. 

“I'm done, I'm done,” Dean reassured him with a chuckle, lightly patting him on the back. Then, Dean moved his hands down and started massaging again. The knot in Cas’ back wasn't as tight but was still there. After a few minutes, he felt the knot loosening up. 

Cas started moaning in appreciation, though Dean could tell he was trying to bite it back. Even so, the sound went directly to Dean's cock as he imagined those same sounds coming from a very enjoyable activity. He willed himself not to _think_ about said activity. After all, he told Cas they couldn't have sex again. He didn't regret it, exactly. He just needed time to think things through, is all. 

Cas’ eyes closed as Dean's hands moved up along his spine. Soft moans escaping as Dean hit a particular sore spot. “That feels fantastic,” Cas practically purred, the feel of Dean’s hands on him was absolutely magical.

Dean gently massaged Cas’ back, trying not to enjoy the feel of Cas underneath him or of his body under his fingertips. God, Cas was muscular, no doubt from all that running. Dean remembered how Cas felt between his legs, his hot, wet mouth sucking him off. Fuck, he hoped he wasn't getting hard, or at least so Cas wouldn't notice if he did. 

Dean never had great luck. He felt Cas stiffen slightly, his friend glancing over his shoulder. He should have known it would’ve been impossible not to feel his erection pressing down on Cas’ back. 

“Dean...” Cas moaned for a completely different reason, laying his head back down on the bed.

Dean quickly stood up, adjusting himself with an embarrassed look. “Sorry, Cas.”

“Don't be,” Cas told him, face still buried in the pillow. “It was my fault.”

Dean cleared his throat nervously, trying to will his erection down or at least stop being so damn obvious. Cas sat up on his elbows, biting his bottom lip. “Dean, it’s fine.”

“I don’t know about that.” Dean sighed, shifting awkwardly and walking to his bag for a new set of clothes. “I think I'm gonna take a shower,” he said quickly and rushing to the bathroom. 

Cas stared at Dean's retreating form as he sprinted to the bathroom. The door shut with a force that made Cas jump and he sighed, waiting. He shifted and pulled the covers up to his waist, turning onto his side so he could see the television and the bathroom door. He reached for the remote and flipped through the channels until he found something halfway decent, glancing over at the door every few minutes. He was half hoping for Dean to emerge, half glad he didn't. He forced himself to stay calm and tried to focus on the show and the heaviness of his eyes.

Closing the door with a snap, Dean leaned against it, sighing as his eyes closed briefly. Fuck he needed to get better control of his emotions. He told Cas they couldn't do this, then he was the one making things awkward! No wonder Cas had been strange with him all day... Dean was fucking this up a million ways to Sunday. 

Pushing off the door, he stripped quickly and turned on the shower. He stepped under the spray, letting his head fall down to enjoy the water hitting his shoulder blades. Goddamn it, what the hell was wrong with him? He began washing himself, his hand lingering on his erection. He had a moment of debate, then lathered one hand up and wrapped it around his cock. He stroking the length slowly, a gruff moan echoing softly, and he hoped the sound was hidden by the sound of the shower. Moving his hand back up, Dean’s head tipped back as he twisted the head of his cock. He braced his other hand against the wall to keep from stumbling. 

Fuck, that felt good. His eyes closed as he imagined a different hand touching him, memories of Cas from this morning rushed into his mind, stroking himself faster envisioning Cas’ mouth on him again. Oh, god. That fucking mouth. So hot, so wet. Cas’ tongue dragged underneath as he took more into his mouth. Dean’s hand stroked faster in time with fantasy Cas’ mouth. Oh, he was going to come, he was going to come. Feeling his orgasm rising from his toes, he came all over his hand as well as the shower wall, leaning to the side to bite his arm and muffle his moan. 

_Holy shit_. Panting, his head fell forward as he squeezed his eyes shut. He just came to the image of his best friend, and it had been one of the best orgasms to date. Other than that morning. What the hell was wrong with him? Cleaning himself again quickly, he got out and dried himself. A sudden moment of panic washed over him. Had Cas heard him? Had he known he was in the starring role of Dean’s thoughts? _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. How was he supposed to explain that? 

He sighed softly seeing Cas asleep, oblivious to Dean’s actions in the shower. Part of him was glad he wouldn’t do anything stupid in front of Cas such as start babbling how he came just by thinking of him. Setting his discarded clothes on his duffle bag, Dean went over to Cas’ bed, gently sliding the remote out of his sleeping friend’s hand and covering him with a blanket. He hesitated, then crawled under the sheets of his own bed. He glanced over at Cas’ sleeping form and sighed. What the hell was going on with him? First he had sex with Cas, then he thought about him while in the shower? This was why he hated feelings, not liking how confused he felt. Sighing, he turned the light off, rolling on his side away from Cas. He didn't want Cas to see the guilty look on his face. 

It took a long while before Dean also fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

The next morning, Cas was the first one awake. He looked at the blanket draped over him in confusion, not remembering when he grabbed it. Dean was still sleeping, his arms hugging his pillow. Cas just sat up and studied him, hoping things were less awkward between them, lost in his thoughts when Dean woke up. The sound of him snorting softly brought Cas out of his thoughts . Dean’s eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to remove the cobwebs. For a few long minutes, neither one said anything, just looked at each other. Cas was the first one to smile, Dean returning it easily. Maybe they were okay now.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, his voice deeper from sleep.

 

“I'm okay,” Cas assured him. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm just hungry.”

 

“Imagine that. Dean Winchester is hungry.”

 

“Shut up,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“I'll take my shower and then we can get ready to go.”

 

Cas got up and went to the dresser to dig out fresh clothes. “I'm thinking I'll grab more clothes from the van.”

 

“The boxes are taped up,” Dean reminded him.

 

“We can get packaging tape somewhere, right?”

 

“Are you running out of clothes?”

 

“Well, no,” Cas answered slowly. “But I don't think I care for what I packed. Or maybe we can buy new clothes. I'll even buy you new outfits, too, if you'd like.”

 

Dean sat up and looked at him. “You're seriously not buying me clothes.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Don't you want to save your money? You don't know what you'll need at your new place.”

 

“I've got more than enough to cover that, Dean. So, could we? After breakfast, of course.”

 

Dean sighed, trying to come up with an excuse as to why they shouldn't. But couldn't think of anything. “Yeah, sure. Okay, I guess.”

 

Cas glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled. “I promise not to take all day. I know we got a lot of road to travel on yet. Half hour tops.”

 

“Half hour,” Dean repeated. “If it’s longer, I’m leaving your ass.”

 

“And tell my mother you abandoned me?” Cas challenged with a laugh.

 

“Your mom doesn’t scare me,” Dean scoffed.

 

“Uh-huh.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas simply laughed, heading towards the bathroom. Dean finished gathering his clothes and packing them. He conveniently forgot about last night’s activity as he pounded on the bathroom door with his palm.“Let's hustle, Novak,” he called out.

 

“I just got in here,” Cas called back. 

 

Dean sighed as he practically bounced on the bed in a supine position, grabbing the remote, getting comfortable as he watched TV. 

 

Cas came out a few minutes later, seeing Dean was asleep. He scoffed softly as he packed his clothes. Coming to the foot of the bed, Cas lightly smacked his boot. “Wake up!”

 

Dean startled a bit at the smack, glaring as Cas laughed. “Asshole,” he grumbled, sitting up as he rubbed his eye with his finger.

 

“Are you ready or do you want to sleep some more, Sleeping Beauty?”

 

Dean slowly got up and started following him out. Cas reached out to grab his bag, leaving his side unprotected. Smiling mischievously, Dean quickly tickling his sides.

 

“No!” Cas spun around, facing him, laughing. 

 

“What’d I tell you about getting lippy?”

 

Still giggling, he pointed at Dean. “Behave.”

 

Dean laid his hand over his heart. “Always an angel.” 

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas scoffed.

 

Dean smiled to himself, glad any awkwardness was gone.

 

They made their way out, Cas glancing over his shoulder making sure Dean was behaving. “Where are we going for breakfast?”

 

“Somewhere close.”

 

“That explains it,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

“Just get in the van, smart ass. I’ll check us out,” Dean handed him his duffle bag and started heading towards the main office.

 

Cas put their bags in the backseat of the car as he watched Dean walking, the previous day’s awkwardness appeared to be gone, thankfully. They finally were on their way to getting breakfast. The diner they stopped at wasn't too crowded as they sat down in a booth. Cas glanced around, crinkling his nose. 

 

“Aren’t you tired of diners?” Cas asked with a bored sigh.

 

Dean looked up from his menu giving him an odd look. “No.”

 

“It's the same choices everywhere. Eggs, toast, bacon. Eggs, toast, sausage. How much eggs must we consume?”

 

Dean didn't reply just stared at him. Cas met Dean’s gaze with his own.

“What?”

 

“You’re still cranky.”

 

“Fine,” he sighed looking at his menu again.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” 

 

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”

 

Dean shrugged, looking back down, easily dismissing Cas’ comment. 

 

After they placed their orders, Dean again looked at Cas. “So? What’s going on with you?”

 

Cas knew exactly what was wrong. Dean was what was wrong. Cas was still struggling with his feelings. Nights in the hotel rooms only made things worse. He desperately wanted to touch Dean again but knew it wouldn't be welcomed. The man was everything Cas wanted. Dean was smart, and funny, and kind hearted, and so damn hot. He wasn't even sure what Dean’s best quality was. Maybe his green eyes which sparkled whenever he was being playful or laughed. Or maybe his dimples. Or maybe the way he threw his whole body into the way he laughed at something. 

 

“I'm just feeling restless again, I think. And, no. I don't want another massage. You cheat by tickling me,” he narrowed his eyes at him. 

 

“Not my fault you're so damn ticklish,” Dean grinned. He couldn’t remember how he got started tickling Cas but now it was almost compulsory. 

 

Cas just glared at him. “I'll get you back.”

 

“You almost sound like the wicked witch, Cas,” he laughed.

 

“I most certainly do not. Although it would be fantastic just to click my heels and I'd be home.”

 

“Next ruby slippers I see, they’re yours.”

 

“Great,” he groaned as Dean laughed.

 

They each returned to looking at their menus when Cas sighed softly. Dean knew exactly what that sigh meant; he wasn't finding anything appealing.

 

“Hey, what about oatmeal?” Dean suggested. “You haven't had that for awhile. Least not since we left.”

 

Cas thought about it and nodded. “Oatmeal sounds good. Maybe with some toast.”

 

“I thought you were boycotting toast?”

 

“No. I’m boycotting eggs. Toast is acceptable.”

 

“Of course,” Dean rolled his eyes. 

 

They ordered once the waitress came over. Naturally, Dean ordered eggs, toast with extra bacon. Cas stuck with Dean’s suggestion of oatmeal as well as toast.

 

“Aren't you worried about clogged arteries?” Cas asked once they were alone.

 

“We’re twenty-five. No one’s worried about clogged arteries at twenty-five.”

 

“But really, Dean. You should take care of yourself.”

 

“I do all right taking care of myself. I don't smoke and I don’t do drugs.”

 

“I'm just worried you're going to have a heart attack before you're forty from all those burgers, not to mention your unhealthy obsession with bacon and pie.”

 

“Well, once I move it'll cut down I'm sure,” Dean shrugged.

 

“So alcohol and women will be your vice.”

 

“Vice is the spice of life, right?”

 

“Really? That's variety.  _ Variety _ is the spice of life.”

 

“Oh. Well, I was close.”

 

“Right,” Cas rolled his eyes.

 

Their order came a few minutes later. Dean shook his head as he glanced at Cas’ oatmeal.

 

“Stop glaring at my cereal,” Cas said without looking at him as he fixed his cereal and toast.

 

“Just promise you'll have bacon once in awhile. Or even sausage.”

 

“I’m sure I will, Dean. I just can't eat mass quantities like you.”

 

“That’s fair.”

 

They finished their breakfast as they talked about their route, where they would stop for lunch, or stop for the night. Cas’ back almost started hurting just in protest but it was feeling a lot better for the moment.

 

They were back on the road shortly afterwards. Cas wished there was more to see than simply road and cars, hating this part about the trip; the monotony of everything. The same road. The same diner. The same hotel. And the same fight with his feelings. He was going to combust if something didn't change.

 

It was a great day for driving, though he wished again he was driving Baby. The Continental wasn't too bad. Not that he'd ever tell Cas, of course. It was easier letting him think the car was shitty, after all, Dean had a rep to protect and admitting to liking the dinosaur wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least he found a Classic Rock station. He just hoped it’d stay tuned in long enough. He really should have brought his tapes with him. Maybe he’ll see about stopping off somewhere to get some music. Did they even have record stores anymore? He bought everything online, hating shopping.

 

They finally stopped for lunch around one o’clock just to avoid the lunch rush, managing to find a Denny’s. Dean got a breakfast and Cas ordered soup and a sandwich. Dean noted Cas seemed in a better mood by the time he finished his soup. Maybe all he needed was a change of menu choices. Hell, he’d buy the guy a week’s worth of soup if it made Cas smile. 

 

“You're staring again,” Cas said, balling up his napkin.

 

“Just noticing you're in a better mood.”

 

“I am, yes. I think the soup helped.”

 

“Good. I'm gonna hit the head and we can go.”

 

“No dessert? I’m sure they have pie.”

 

Dean hesitated for a second. “Yeah, all right. I'll take a slice.” 

 

Cas smiled as Dean got up and went to the bathroom. By the he returned a slice of apple pie and a refill of his coffee was waiting for him.

 

“See? This is why I keep you around,” he teased, sliding back into the booth.

 

“I believe that's true.” 

 

“And why do you keep me around?” He teased with a smile.

 

“Mm… because you are an awesome cook,” Cas deadpanned.

 

“Because I cook? Really?”

 

“ Why not?” After a few minutes, Cas was unable to keep his straight face and started giggling.

 

“You asshole,” Dean laughed along with him.

 

“You really think that's the only reason why I like you?”

 

“I hope not. Otherwise I'm not cooking for you again,” Dean scoffed.

 

Cas’ smile faltered slightly as the realization of Dean’s words. He was right. Dean wouldn't be cooking for them any more. Cas would be responsible for preparing his own meals. And the thought of that saddened him. He didn't have Dean’s culinary talents but he could at least warm up soup without the risk of burning the house down. Maybe he wouldn't starve after all.

 

“You about ready?” Dean asked, finishing his pie.

 

“Yes. Oh, perhaps I should use the bathroom, too.”

 

“Go for it. I'll just pay and meet you outside.”

 

“Here, Dean,” Cas told him as he stood up, holding out his hand. “I’m paying for meals, remember?”

 

“I got this, Cas. You just go,” Dean said, sliding out of the booth.

 

“Don't be impetulant. Just let me pay.”

 

“No. And I'm not impetulant.”

 

Cas tried grabbing for the check but Dean pulled it away in time which didn't stop Cas from trying again. Dean chuckled as he hid the check behind his back, Cas reaching behind him in a mad attempt to grab it, looking as if they were hugging. 

 

“Dean, give it to me.”

 

“Yeah, give  _ what _ to you?” Dean taunted.

 

“You're being ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not doing anything but standing here. You're the one bouncing around me.”

 

Sighing with frustration, Cas just looked at Dean with his hands on his hips. “Fine. I'll do what you do then.”

 

“Yeah, what's that?”

 

Cas stood nearly nose-to-nose with Dean, trying desperately to grab for the check as Dean chuckled, still playing keepaway. Frustrated, Cas poked Dean’s side, making him jump and squirm away. 

 

“Hey! None of that,” he protested lightly.

 

“Then give me the check,” Cas challenged. 

 

Dean handed him the check. “Cheater.”

 

Cas just smiled triumphantly as he walked to the register. Dean gestured he was waiting outside as Cas nodded. 

 

“You guys make a cute couple,” the cashier told him. “Seems like you really enjoy each other.”

 

“We do, yeah. Thank you.” He meant to tell the truth, saying they weren’t actually a couple. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Once he paid, he smiled politely, making his way outside.

 

He knew he wasn't going to tell Dean what the cashier said. It would only upset him and ruin the easiness which finally returned between them. 

 

“What are you smiling about?” Dean asked, happy to see him smiling.

 

“Nothing. Just feeling better, I suppose,” Cas told him, walking towards the van. “Are you done holding us up?” He asked once he noticed Dean wasn’t moving.

 

“That would be you,” Dean retorted.

 

“I am not holding us up, Dean. That would be you by refusing to give me the check.”

 

“Till you cheated,” he reminded Cas. 

 

“Why is it cheating when I tickle you but not when you tickle me?”

 

“Cause I'm adorable,” Dean explained simply. “Now let's go.”

 

True to Dean’s calculations, they drove for another four hours before Dean was ready to call it for the night. Cas stood by the car waiting for Deanto check them in. It was nearing six o’clock according to his watch, the sun was still bright and the air warm. He wondered if the trees turned in L.A. or if they stayed green year round. It would take some time getting used to no more snow during the winters and especially none during Christmas. He remembered Dean dragging him out to help shovel the neighbors driveways and steps when they were younger. Twenty dollars was earned for each of them for their hard work. Hot chocolate and cookies were also payment courtesy of Naomi showing how proud she was of her boys. Cas smiled at the memory as he saw Dean coming back out and walking towards to him.

 

“Second floor this time,” Dean informed him as he handed the second key to him. “What's got you all smiley?”

 

“Just reminiscing. Remember when we shoveled snow for the neighborhood when we were in middle school?”

 

“I thought my fingers were going to fall off. We got like so many inches dumped on us overnight. I remember it because it was a snow day for two days.”

 

“Typical. You remember snow days?”

 

“Hey, snow days are awesome. Sleep in. Goof off by watching TV. Eat snacks till your stomach bursts. Awesome. What brought that memory?”

 

“Just wondering if it will feel like Christmas without snow.”

 

“We've had green Christmases before. It felt like Christmas then.”

 

“That was because I was with family. There I'll be alone.”

 

“You're not having second thoughts again, are you?”

 

“No, I don't believe so. Just missing home a little.”

 

“You'll be back for Christmas. You'll see.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas shrugged dismissively. “Ready to get to the room?”

 

“Just waiting on you as usual.,” Dean teased, opening the passenger rear door to grab their bags. 

 

Cas followed him, trying unsuccessfully to grab for his bag. Each time, Dean’s grip would tighten on the handle not allowing Cas to take it and chuckling at Cas’ apparent frustration. Cas won by yet another strategically placed poke to Dean’s side. Naturally, he called foul. 

 

The room was what Cas expected; clean but nothing exciting. Would it be too much for  _ something _ to be different? Dean set their bags on the dresser as Cas closed the door.

 

“Why don't we go out?”

 

“Out?” Cas repeated. 

 

“Yeah, we’re always locked away in the room. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink? Might help with you feeling restless.”

 

“All right. Just let me change first.”

 

“Why? You look fine.”

 

Cas looked down at himself, feeling crumpled. But he must not be if Dean said he was okay. They made their way back out, Dean drove as they stopped at the nearest bar. It wasn’t too bad inside nor too crowded. They sat at the bar and ordered a couple beers. Cas glanced around, noting a jukebox in the corner, sliding off his barstool and made his way over. Dean watched him go, looking at the other patrons out of habit to scope for trouble. But no one was giving Cas a second look. Well, no one except for Dean that was. 

 

Cas read the song titles in the display of the jukebox. Most songs were about being broken hearted after losing someone. None of which appealed to him. He wasn't exactly broken hearted since technically he didn't have Dean to lose him. Discouraged, he returned to his seat. 

 

“Nothing?” Dean asked, sipping at his beer.

 

“Nothing which I can relate to.”

 

“Why’s that?”

 

“They’re songs about losing a loved one. I have no loved one to lose,” Cas pointed out. “Except you, of course.”

 

Dean’s heart both sank and soared which only confused him. “What about that one guy last summer? What was his name… Inez?”

 

Cas slowly looked at Dean. “You are aware that's a female’s name, right? And  _ his _ name was Inias, which you also knew.”

“Right. Inias. What about him?”

 

“It was never serious with him. But he moved away so the point is moot.”

 

“Maybe you’ll find love in L.A.,” Dean says. Why did  _ that _ fill him with dread? 

 

“I'm sure I’ll find  _ someone _ . But I don't know about love.” 

 

“You ever been in love?”

 

The question nearly had Cas choking on his beer. Was Dean being serious? Looking at him, he saw Dean was serious as he looked back to him waiting for Cas’ answer. “Um… I don't know,” he answered, thankful he didn't accidentally confess his feelings.

 

“That's a no. I don't think I have either.”

 

“Not even with Meg?”

 

“Meg was sex not love.”

 

“You can have both.”

 

“I know that,” Dean scoffed. “Just wasn't with her. Anyways, let's hit the road. We still gotta eat something. I don't want to get too sloshed. Not that I would with beer. But you're a lightweight.” He grinned at Cas as he stood up.

 

“I suppose we can't all float our livers,” Cas teased, getting up and following Dean out.

 

“So where to?” Dean asked, taking the keys out of his pocket.

 

“What do you mean? I thought we were getting something to eat?” Cas asked him with a look of confusion.

 

“We are. But look around, dude,” Dean said, turning to face the street with his arms out to the side. “You got Taco Bell there,” he pointed. “KFC there.” Another point. “Not to mention McDonald’s and Burger King. So, what’s your pick?”

 

“What about KFC? I only had chicken once so far.”

 

“Don’t say you're getting tired of burgers. You'll be walking to the hotel.”

 

“You seem to be under the impression that I'm incapable of finding my way around, Dean,” Cas said, almost insulted.

 

“One word, Cas; Oregon, okay?”

 

“Technically that's two words. And in my defense I never drove to California before then,” he said, noting Dean was slowly walking towards him. “Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Dean didn't answer just kept walking towards him with a grin.

 

“No. No, absolutely not. You stop right there,” Cas told him firmly as he walked backwards. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“Oh, you mean it, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“Stop. Don't look at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that. Don’t! I’m sorry!” Cas sounded as if he was pleading.

 

Cas started giggling nervously as he kept backing away. Dean’s grin turned more into a mischievous smile. Cas knew what that usually meant for him. Dean kept slowly advancing, finally grabbing Cas around the waist and spun him in a circle, both laughing as they stopped at the side of the bar, Cas’ back against the brick building, bathing both in soft yellow light from the floodlight above their heads. Dean practically was pressed against him, Cas’ hands trapped between them. Cas looked at Dean with a small smile, the playfulness from a few seconds ago now felt charged. Cas wasn't sure what to expect but Dean leaning closer towards him, kissing him wasn't it. Cas moaned softly, kissing him back. Just as suddenly as it began it ended. Dean took a couple steps back and wiped the corners of his mouth with his hand and cleared his throat.

 

“Um, yeah. We should probably go,” he said, starting to walk towards the car. 

 

Cas just watched him in stunned silence, unmoving.

 

“C’mon, Cas. Shake a leg,” Dean’s voice came from around the corner.

 

Cas composed him himself quickly and joined Dean before he truly did try to leave without him. He was still silent and barely paid attention when they stopped off at KFC. All he thought about was that kiss, how soft and gentle it had been. How one kissed a lover, not someone who was… whatever were they? He didn't realize they approached the hotel until they stopped, turning his head to look at Dean ready to ask why they stopped, realizing where they were.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Cas asked before he thought about it.

 

Dean didn't move as he looked at Cas who kept his eyes forward. “Cas, I probably shouldn't have. I don't have a reason or an excuse to give you. Just don't ask me why, okay? ‘Cause I can't tell you why.” 

 

And with that, Dean got out of the car while Cas remained inside, his gaze now on Dean as he was outside knocking on the hood of the Continental to get his attention. Cas got out and followed him back to the room. Dean set their dinners up at the table. Cas sat down wordlessly and started eating. 

 

“Dude, I’m sorry, all right?” Dean told him, sitting down across from him. “I… don't know why I did it. I really don’t.” 

 

But he had an idea. He was in a good mood, finally having gone out for some fun with Cas. That was what was behind his behavior in the parking lot. Just feeling happiness as he teased Cas. It was always fun to play around with him. Whether it was in the form of a bad joke, or teasing him about something, or even tickling him. Cas at times was too serious and Dean felt it was his duty to get the guy to relax. But he had to ruin tonight’s playfulness by kissing Cas. He didn't know the exact moment was he was struck by the urge to kiss him. All he knew was he couldn't let a moment pass without doing something, and so he did. It was hard to tell if Cas was upset by the kiss. 

 

Cas still didn't understand. Each time Dean reached out to him he was quick to remind him he wasn’t going to repeat anything. By now, it was getting hard to believe his words actually. No straight man would allow another man to suck them off. He truly doubted Gabe would allow another man to touch him in that manner. Not that Cas actually wanted to know about his brother. But the point still stood. Maybe he should say something to Dean about it. Explain straight men don't have sex with gay men. But as usual, fear of upsetting Dean prevented him from saying anything. So he just sat there and listened to Dean’s lame excuse. 

 

“It’s fine, Dean. I didn't think anything about it. It just surprised me. But it's fine,” he gave him a small practiced smile. The same smile he perfected over the years whenever his feelings got hurt.

 

“Good. I mean thanks. For understanding, I mean,” Dean said, sounding relieved as he returned Cas’ smile.

 

And that was that. Cas knew no further discussion on the subject would be brought up. Cas finished his dinner, not really tasting it. He wondered if the awkwardness was returning. He actually wondered if he would ever have the courage to tell Dean no. Or if he was always going to set himself up for hurt each time Dean retreated after claiming nothing was going to happen again. 

 

“Hey, what if instead of the usual watching TV we play cards?” Dean asked.

 

“Cards? You want to play cards?” Cas asked skeptically. 

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Do we even have cards?”

 

“Of course,” Dean scoffed, getting up to go to his duffle bag. Digging into the side pocket, he pulled out a deck of cards. “Yahtzee,” he said triumphantly as he came back to the table.

 

“Are we playing Rummy again?”

 

“Naturally.”

 

They played for the next couple of hours, teasing each other about cheating while laughing easily. Cas was the first to claim tiredness which Dean accused him of quitting only because he was losing. Cas just rolled his eyes, smiling as he stood up. He yawned a couple times as Dean started gathering the cards and putting them away.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas told him, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You done with your food?”

 

“Yes, except my drink.”

 

“Got it,” Dean winked.

 

Cas turned away quickly so Dean didn't see Cas’ shy smile. He decided trying not to let Dean get to him. Now if he could get his body to cooperate. He made his way to the bathroom for his shower as well as needing some distance from Dean. God, he was utterly pathetic. One smile, one wink from the man and he turned to utter mush. Damn it, he needed to learn self control. Getting undressed, he stepped into the shower. 

 

Dean cleaned up their trash from dinner, saving both their drinks and laid down on the smaller bed. It wasn't fair Cas always got stuck with it. He glanced at the bathroom door, trying not to imagine Cas naked on the other side of the door. He closed his eyes and tried thinking of something else to distract him. The room suddenly felt too hot, too claustrophobic. He got up and went to the desk to write Cas a note saying he went out and be back later. He tucked the corner of the note under Cas’ bag so he would be sure to see it. Grabbing the keys and keycard, he made his way out to head back to the bar they were at earlier. 

 

A few minutes later Cas came out, surprised to find Dean gone. Putting his clothes away, Cas saw the note in Dean’s neat scrawl saying he went out. He looked towards the door in confusion as if he would suddenly appear. Did something happen to make Dean leave so abruptly? A fight with Sam or his dad? Cas knew Dean’s relationship often bordered on tumultuous with John. Nothing abusive, of course. But he was just hard on both Dean and Sam. Now Sam was in California, Dean got the brunt of it now. Maybe something else had set him off and just needed time for himself. Cas could understand that. There were times he needed personal time as well. If Dean needed that, he wasn't going to disturb him. So, he laid down on the full sized bed with his book he had packed but hadn't started reading.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

The bar was a little bit more busier than earlier. Obviously people came out later to drink. He sat at the bar and ordered a whiskey. Glancing around, he saw a few women. Some of them were even pretty. Maybe that was what he needed; to get laid, deciding it might help him deal with whatever he was feeling. He noticed one of the pretty women standing at the jukebox. She was blonde, slim, and had a great ass tucked in tight blue jeans. Their eyes met as she turned to the side. He smirked flirtatiously at her. It seemed to work as she came over to him. 

 

“Hi,” she said in a soft voice.

 

“How you doing?” He asked, his gaze slowly swept over her body.

 

“Care to buy a lady a drink?”

 

“What's your poison?”

 

“I'll just have what you're having.”

 

Dean signaled to the bartender for drinks for them both. The woman sat down next to Dean, laying a hand on his arm.

 

“I’m Darla.”

 

“Dean.”

 

“Dean. That sounds real sexy.”

 

“I’m a sexy kinda guy.”

 

Darla started giggling. “Oh, honey. I can see that.“

 

The bartender came over with their drinks and gave Dean a funny look. One that Dean had no idea what it meant.

 

“So what brings you to our humble establishment?”

 

“How do you know I don't live here?”

 

“Trust me, I would know if you lived here.”

 

“You got me. I'm not from here.”

 

“Do you have some sweet thing waiting for you?”

 

“Just an empty apartment.”

 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Darla asked, leaning in closer to whisper in his ear.

 

“Where we going?” He asked, smiling at her.

 

“Somewhere we can be alone.”

 

Dean gulped down the rest of his drink quickly before standing up and following her out the door. Outside, she suddenly was on him, kissing him hard. The taste of whiskey heavy on her breath. 

 

“Where's your car?” She asked, pulling away to look at the cars in the parking lot.

 

“The Continental.”

 

“Really? That doesn't seem like your type.”

 

“A friend let me borrow it.”

 

She took his hand and led them over to the car. “So, do you have a room?”

 

“Yeah, but my friend’s there.”

 

“I don't mind. Maybe he’ll want to join us.”

 

“Yeah, no. He's not like that.”

 

“Have you asked him?”

 

“Don't need to. I already know.” Dean honestly couldn't see Cas putting himself in threesome situation. 

 

“Maybe we should show him what he's missing,” she giggled.

 

That squelched some of his feeling. Was she serious? Actually have sex with Cas  _ present _ ? Yeah, that's not going to happen.

 

“Yeah, I don't think so.”

 

“Are you sure? Could be fun,” she singsonged.

“We can have our own fun,” he winked.

 

Taking his hand, she led him around to the side of the bar. The same spot he kissed Cas earlier. She backed up against the bar, looking at him expectantly. Dean stepped up to her and kissed her again. Her fingers fumbled for his jeans button, unzipping slowly, her hand snaked its way into his jeans and stroked him. He grunted as soon as she touched him.

 

“You’re so hard, baby.”

 

“That feels so good.”

 

“Oh yeah? I got something else that'll feel better.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

She undid her own pants, pulling them down past her hips. Dean just watched her, completely enthralled. Holy fuck! Was she suggesting they have sex out here? He looked around, making sure no one was coming out of the bar or witnessing what they were doing. He suddenly felt her hands tugging at his pants. 

 

“Hey, whoa. What's the hurry?”

 

“I want you. Right here, right now, Dean.”

 

She pushed him against the wall, tugging his pants down further to release his half hard cock. No sooner did she get his pants down before she was on her knees in front of him. He looked down to her as she took him into her mouth. Oh, god. His head fell back against the wall as he closed his head. She sucked the head of his cock as he moaned. His mind suddenly was flooded of seeing Cas sucking him. Goddamn, Cas’ mouth was absolute velvety. And the things he did with his tongue. Dean swore his toes curled as Cas was attached to him. Why the fuck was he thinking about Cas? Especially when he had Darla sucking on his dick? He looked down, half expecting to see the unruly mop of dark hair instead of the blonde he was looking at, no longer wanting to be there. Forgetting the reason which brought him out, he gently pushed on her head away to get her attention. She looked up at him curiously.

 

“I wasn't done,” she informed.

 

“Yeah, this isn't gonna work,” he said, pulling his pants back up. 

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry but I changed my mind.”

 

She stood up and glared at him. “You changed your mind? What kind of shit is that?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You're sorry? I was giving you the best blowjob. And you tell me you’re sorry?”

 

“Look, I don’t know why I stopped, okay?”

 

“Really? Well, maybe you should ask your friend to blow you,” she snapped before she stalked off, huffing the word ‘asshole’ under her breath. She disappeared around the corner without looking back.

 

Dean sighed, frustrated from no release as well as where his mind wandered to during the act. Son of a bitch! Grumbling, he went back to the car and drove back to the hotel.

 

Unlocking the door, he paused as he spotted Cas sleeping on the full-sized bed. Apparently, he fell asleep while reading, his book laid on his chest. Dean watched him for a few minutes before gently grabbing the book and laying it down on the nightstand. He sat down on the side of the other bed, continuing to watch him.

 

“What the hell are you doing to me, Cas?” Dean whispered.

 

The only reply from the sleeping man came in the form of soft snores. Dean grabbed his pajamas from his bag, wanting nothing more than to wash Darla off his body. He didn't know why he felt guilty for what happened at the bar. He didn't owe Cas an explanation as to why he even went out looking for something. Nor did he owe one to Darla why he just suddenly had lost interest in her. Whatever the reason he wasn't going to do that again. He took a quick shower feeling extremely tired. Cas hadn't moved from sleeping on his back. Dean turned out the light after crawling under the sheets, rolling onto his side facing Cas. He never before refused a woman who wanted to go down on him. Maybe he was getting too old to be picking up random women? Or she was the wrong type? He fell asleep without any clear answers.


	6. Chapter 6

The morning came just a little too quickly. Cas woke him up just before nine. Groggily, Dean sat up and rubbed at his eyes with his fingers trying to clear the cobwebs. Cas started looking for clothes and then went to the bathroom to get dressed. Dean barely moved when Cas came out. He took one look at Dean and chuckled. Part of his hair was flat and the other half stood up.

 

“You might need to water your hair down,” Cas told him.

 

“Does it look fucked up?” He brought a hand to his hair feeling sticking up. “I went to bed with wet hair,” he explained. 

 

“It shows,” Cas teased. “Go get a shower.”

 

“When did you get so bossy?”

 

“The day I met you. Now go get your shower or else you're going to miss breakfast and I'll have to hear you whine all day.”

 

“I don't whine,” Dean protested, getting up to gather his clothes.

 

Cas stood in front of the dresser, combing his hair, Dean watching him in the mirror. Dean felt as if he couldn't catch his breath when Cas looked at him so intently. He just knew he had to kiss Cas. Felt it in every fiber of his body. Next thing he knew he was kissing him. Cas nearly squeaked with surprise. Cas tilted his head slightly to the side, getting better access to Dean's lips. Soft moans escaped from both as the kiss deepened. Cas moved down to kiss Dean's neck, right under his earlobe, his hands pulling up at Dean's tee shirt.

 

“Dean,” Cas groaned with need.

 

Rather than answering Dean pulled at Cas’ shirt, pulling it up over his head, tossed it aside and started unbuttoning Cas’ jeans, quickly unzipping it with quick fingers. Cas’ fingers mirrored Dean's, quickly shedding him of his jeans and underwear, not surprised Dean was already half hard. Cas wrapped his hand around Dean's cock, stroking him as Dean's eyes closed, moaning softly. Goddamn did that feel awesome. Dean started kissing Cas’ neck, nibbling gently on his earlobe.

 

“Dean? I want you to fuck me,” Cas pleaded breathlessly. “ _ Please _ , Dean.”

 

Dean pulled Cas’ pants and underwear down, rubbing Cas’ ass, reaching down to grab his cock. Cas moaned softly, laying his forehead against Dean’s shoulder. “Oh, god. That feels so good.”

 

Dean was mesmerized by Cas’ moans, the sounds making him harder. He felt Cas trembling a little. Or maybe it was him, he couldn't tell. All he knew was he couldn't stop touching Cas who was moaning and offering whispered words of encouragement.

 

_ Dean… _ ” Cas pleaded again, his voice sounding desperate.

 

Dean reached for the zippered compartment of his bag where he knew the lube would be. Opening the cap, he squirted out a bit on his fingers. His heart started racing just from the desperate pleas, feeling his own need for Cas burning his stomach.

 

Cas’ breathing came in soft pants, his breaths on Dean’s skin causing him to break out in goosebumps.

 

“You ready?” Dean asked, his voice sounding rough and shaky.

 

“Yes. Yes. God,  _ yes _ ,” Cas answered quickly.

 

Dean tapped Cas’ leg, indicating for him to spread his legs further. Cas squeezed his eyes shut, moving his legs further apart as Dean moved behind him and started stroking around the Cas’ opening without slipping a finger inside him. Cas panted harder as he moved his hips trying to force Dean’s fingers in him for more contact, whimpering when Dean still wouldn’t deviate from his teasing, one finger running across the hole before circling around again. 

 

“Dean,  _ please.  _ I need you,” Cas begged again, sounding more desperate.

 

And Dean loved the sound. Loved he was driving Cas crazy. He finally relented, slipping his finger in Cas who moaned louder as he shivered. Dean slid his finger in and out of Cas as his hips started moving so he was fucking Dean’s finger, begging for another finger. Dean slipped his middle finger as Cas gasped and softly whimpered, his head falling forward. It was the most erotic sound Dean had ever heard, feeling his own cock twitching. He slipped his fingers in and out of Cas, his hips moving against his hand, leaning forward with both palms flat on the dresser top, his head still down.

 

“Uh…. Uh… just like that… oh, god…. Dean…. that feels so good… so good,” Cas moaned, his mouth left hanging open slightly as he panted.

 

Dean spread his fingers as he started scissoring him, Cas grunted deeply as Dean’s hand moved faster.

 

“Oh… oh… oh… yes… fuck… Dean… don't stop,” Cas pleaded, his voice barely a whisper.

 

Dean couldn't stop staring at Cas’ reflection, captivated by how Cas was leaning heavily into the dresser as he tried remaining to stand, writhing the best he could while trapped by Dean’s body.

 

“Fuck me,” Cas practically shouted, laying his head back against Dean's shoulder. “ _ Please _ , Dean.”

 

Dean pulled his fingers out and stroked his erection. Quickly squirting enough lube onto his fingers for his erection. He spread it along with his shaft, keeping his gaze on Cas’ reflection, Cas watched him in return. Slowly he slid his cock inside Cas who gasped loudly as he moaned just as loud once Dean starting fucking him hard and fast.

 

“Yes! Like that! UH! UH! UH! DEAN!” Cas cried out, his head tipped back.

 

Dean's hands went to Cas’ waist, pulling him back to meet his thrusts, grunting at how tight Cas was. Cas’ head fell forward again, his moans louder. Dean’s head tipped back with his own moans. He wasn't going to last. “Cas..” he moaned deeply.

 

“I'M GONNA COME! I'M GONNA COME!” Cas warned, his body suddenly tensed, crying out, spurts of come landed on Cas’ stomach as well as on top of the back of his hands still on the dresser top. Dean thrust twice more before he tensed as well as he emptied deep inside Cas, coming with a deep growl. Cas panted as he felt Dean's orgasm inside him. Both men slumped slightly against each other.

 

Dean panted, gently pulling out of Cas.“Stay put. I'll get a towel,” he said after a few minutes.

 

Dean pulled his pants up enough he could walk without tripping as he made his way to the bathroom. Grabbing a face towel from the rack, he turned on the water and dampened the towel for Cas. Then used a washcloth to quickly wash himself off. Coming back out, Cas hadn't moved. He was leaning against the dresser with his head bowed.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked

 

“That was..,” Cas started.

 

“Unexpected,” Dean finished.

 

Cas didn't say anything, unsure what there was to say. Startling slightly, feeling Dean gently cleaning him. Shakily, Cas bent down, grabbing his own pants, pulling them up, sighing softly as he got redressed, unable to stop feeling confused. Dean told him this couldn't happen again. But yet… they did. Cas quietly thanked him as he went to sit down at the foot of his bed, looking down at his lap.

 

Sitting across from him at the foot of queen sized bed, Dean now felt a little guilty. He had no excuse for what happened despite how much he liked it. He wasn't gay, despite what happened with Darla. He just… needed an outlet, surely Cas understood that.

 

“Cas?” Dean said finally. What did he want to say? He had no idea, just wanted to keep from saying the wrong thing. “I’m sorry,” Dean tried again. “I didn't plan on that happening again. I don't know why it did.”  _ Get it the fuck together, man.  _ Dean hoped Cas was understanding what he was trying to say. He was shit at expressing himself. Always had been.

 

“It’s… okay,” Cas tried dismissing the rising disappointment and sadness. It really wasn't okay. It was confusing and hurtful. He sensed Dean was quickly trying to understand what happened, too. The more he thought about it, the more Cas believed Dean to be bisexual. Knowing if he dared breath such a word to Dean he would deny it profusely. 

 

“And I know I keep making things awkward. Just… let’s just…,” Dean shrugged slightly.

 

“All right,” Cas agreed, understanding Dean was asking him to forget this ever happened… again. 

 

“Thanks, dude.” Dean sounded relieved but sad as well.

 

Cas stood up, grabbing his bag and headed out the door. Dean watched him leave helplessly, slowly following him out. Dean went to the front office to check them out, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Cas hadn't just said fuck it and drive away. After a few minutes, he came out and sighed with relief to see Cas didn't leave even if he was obviously pissed as he sat in the van. Dean put his bag in the back seat of the car and walked towards the van. As he approached Cad rolled down the window refusing to look at him.

 

“Do you still want to get breakfast?” He asked cautiously.

 

“Yes,” Cas answered flatly.

 

“Cas, man. C’mon, don't be mad at me.”

 

“How should I be? Thankful for having sex with me even when you constantly remind me it won’t happen again?” Cas snapped. “You might want to forget it happened, Dean. But there's no way in hell I’m able to, nor do I want to. Maybe you should just do us both a favor and admit you’re just bisexual.” He hadn’t meant for that last part to slip out. But now it had, he refused to feel bad about it. “Let’s just go to breakfast so we can get back on the road,” he sighed. “The sooner we go the sooner we can get there.”

 

That was all he said as he rolled up the window, not even allowing Dean a chance to reply. Dean stood there for a few minutes before realizing he had essentially been dismissed. Frowning, he returned to the car and got in. Turning the ignition, he glanced over at Cas who still wasn't looking at him. Dean just turned back, driving to the nearest diner.

 

Breakfast was an uncomfortable ordeal. Cas looked out the window mostly the whole time. Even going so far as being personable with the waitress but saving his glares for Dean who tried engaging him in conversation. But Cas was having none of it.

 

“Tell me what I can do to make it up to you, all right?”

 

“Which part exactly? The part where you try telling yourself you're not interested in men but yet you  _ fuck _ me, no problem,” he hissed quietly so his voice wouldn't carry. “Or the part where you suggest I simply forget what happened? At least until next time, right?”

 

Dean swallowed, hating the cold tone in Cas’ voice. But not as much as he hated seeing what his behavior was doing to Cas. Fuck, he was a real asshole, he decided bitterly.

 

“Just do the both of us a favor, Dean. Don't touch me. Don't even tickle me. All it does is confuse me and hurts me each time you pull away.”

 

Dean just numbly nodded in agreement, feeling his eyes burning. “I'm so sorry, Cas. I don't want to ever hurt you. You gotta believe me.”

 

Cas just scoffed and shook his head as he turned his head to look out the window again. Dean cleared his throat softly and sniffled once. Jesus. How much of an asshole was he trying to be? Practically pounced on the poor guy, only to push him away once he got what he wanted. Wait. Did Cas feel forced to give in? Was he some sexual deviant preying on Cas like some… some deviant?

 

“Cas,” Dean said softly, his voice cracking. “Dude, I  _ never _ meant to force you to do anything.”

 

Cas looked at Dean, his heart sinking as he saw his wrecked expression. “Dean,” he said just as soft. “I’ve never felt forced. You don't understand what I mean,” he sighing softly. “I truly care for you, Dean. Perhaps more than I should. I had sex with you because I  _ wanted _ to. Not because you forced me or felt scared of you. I know if I said no you would stop instantly. I just don't like this confusing running in circles way you're doing. You say one thing while doing the complete opposite. That's why I asked you not to touch me.”

 

Dean didn't feel any better by his explanation. But just nodded again in silent agreement. Cas nodded as well, giving Dean a small smile. Dean tried returning it but it came out as a grimace instead. He then quickly excused himself as he practically power walked to the bathroom. Cas watched him go with a frown.

 

Once in the bathroom, Dean leaned against the door before going to the sink to wash his face. Gripping the sides of the sink tightly with both hands, he inhaled deeply before exhaling shakily. Closing his eyes, he willed himself to calm down. He jumped when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, surprised to see Cas standing there, not having heard the door opening. Or perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised. Cas always seemed to have the intuition of what he needed before Dean even knew.

 

“I'm so sorry,” Dean whispered, tears welling up.

 

“It’s okay. We’ll be alright, Dean,” Cas reassured him with a gentle squeeze to his shoulder.

 

Dean didn't know if he believed that. More importantly, he didn't know why Cas was even checking on him. “I hope... I don't want to ruin our friendship because I'm an asshole.”

 

“Mm, you're not always an asshole if that makes you feel better?” Cas tried teasing lightly.

 

Dean scoffed with a smile, quickly wiping under his eyes with the back of his hands. “Thanks, I think.”

 

“Now, are you ready? Or would you prefer to continue with the chick moment you claim to hate?”

 

“Yes, I'm ready,” Dean told him, his smile in place as he rolled his eyes.

 

As they made their way back to the table, their waitress came over eyeing them suspiciously. Cas wondered again what the woman’s problem was. They weren't doing anything naughty in the bathroom if that had been the meaning behind her look. Dean wasn't paying attention, his head was down as he checked out the menu. Cas was grateful when she left them alone, quickly leaning closer to the table.

 

“I don't like her,” Cas whispered.

 

“Who?” Dean asked, looking around for whoever was responsible for Cas’ discomfort. not seeing anyone.

 

“The waitress. She looked at us as if we were screwing in the bathroom.”

 

“So what?” Dean smirked. “Probably be the highlight of her day.”

 

Dean,” Cas warned, tilting his head to the side.

 

“Look, obviously we didn't. But why worry about what some stranger thinks?”

 

“She keeps giving me looks.”

 

“What kind of looks, flirty looks?”

 

“No. More like she doesn't like… gays.”

 

“You're just being paranoid, man. If she comes back and does anything, I'll say something, okay?”

 

“All right, thank you.”

 

Cas frowned and then looked over his menu. He decided to order the eggs and toast. He was sure Dean would order similarly along with bacon. Sure enough, that's exactly what Dean ordered. The waitress didn't give Cas another look. Of course, that probably had something to do with Dean giving her one of his classic hard stares. 

 

“So, are we good?” Dean asked gently, still watching the waitress as she walked away.

 

Cas nodded and gave him a small smile. “We’re good. I just hope you understand what I'm saying.”

 

“Pretty much, quit dicking with your emotions.”

 

“Something like that, yes,” Cas agreed.

 

“I get it. And you don't have to worry about me. I'm not gonna… you know?” He waved his hand in a circle meaning sexually.

 

“Thank you. I appreciate that” Cas nodded once.

 

Now it was Dean’s turn to look out the window, confused as to why he felt a touch of sadness. The conversation stilled but by some miracle, it no longer felt awkward. It felt to him as if there were a shift in the foundation of their friendship and Dean wasn't sure it was for the better. Cas’ words echoed in his head, Cas believing he wasn't straight. But what was Cas seeing he didn't see for himself?

 

“What am I missing?” Dean asked suddenly, looking at him.

 

“Missing?” Cas asked, unclear what he was talking about.

 

“You said I'm bisexual. So what am I not seeing?”

 

Cas looked at him, not sure if he should answer the question. Did he really not see for himself? What did Dean think it meant when he had sex with him? Straight men don't have gay sex.

 

“Dean,” he started gently. “It's not a matter of what I see. But who you're attracted to. Can you honestly say you believe you're straight? Despite us having sex twice. You have had a crush on Harrison Ford since we were kids. You’ve watched every single season of  _ Dr. Sexy _ … four times. And what's your saying? ‘Swayze gets a pass’, right?”

 

“One, don't crack on Swayze. Two, Harrison Ford is awesome. And three,  _ Dr _ .  _ Sexy _ is sexy because of his cowboy boots,” Dean said, ticking off his points.

 

“Which brings us to my second point. Your cowboy obsession.”

 

“What, I like old movies,” Dean argued.

 

“And you can recite all the Clint Eastwood movies,” Cas added with a scoff. “Even those horrendous monkey movies.”

 

“His name is Clyde,” Dean corrected stiffly.

 

“And the movies suck, Dean. No offense to your crush.”

 

Dean looks at Cas as if personally offended. “It’s like I don't even know you, dude.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes. “You have a fetish, Dean.”

 

“No. No. That's not a fetish, okay? It's… It's… I don't know what it is, alright?” Fetish. He didn’t have a fetish. He just liked old movies and Clint Eastwood. Fetish sounded like some kinky sex thing, which he didn't have. And there was absolutely no way in hell was he going to tell Cas about the time Rhonda Hurley practically forced him by denying him sex if he didn't wear her pink silky underwear. Or how nice they felt rubbing against his cock and balls as he walked around her bedroom. But he definitely wasn't going to mention his propensity for being tied down.

 

“A fetish,” Cas repeated with a smirk.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Cas snorted before he started giggling.

 

“If you had to label me, what bracket would you put me in then? Gay, right?” Dean asked.

 

“Why does it matter what ‘label’ you are? What matters is you being comfortable with yourself.”

 

“But you’re thinking I’m bisexual, right?” Dean repeated.

 

“Men can be bisexual, too, Dean,” Cas sighed.

 

“No, no. I know that. I'm just trying to… I don't know,” Dean’s voice growing softer.

 

Cas looked at him. “It bothers you, doesn't it? The idea you're not completely straight,” he clarified.

 

“I can't say it bothers me. I just never saw ‘whatever’ in me, is all.”

 

“Let me ask you this. Does our friendship bother you!”

 

“What? No. Why would you ask that?”

 

“It’s a legitimate question. I was just asking.”

 

“Well stop. I've never regretted being friends with you.”

 

“Even though I'm gay?” Cas pressed.

 

“Dude…,” he warned, giving him a bitch face expression.

 

Cas held up a hand in surrender, softly apologizing. He saw the waitress making her way over with their order. Dean politely thanked her, though Cas doubted he was being sincere.

 

“Stupid bitch,” he whispered, once she was out of earshot.

 

“What's wrong?” Cas asked, confused.

 

“Nothing. Just caught her giving you the stink eye before she gave you your food.”

 

“Let it go, please, Dean. I'm not worried about some bigoted waitress.”

 

“You were earlier.”

 

“No. I was making an observation.  _ You _ are trying to intimidate her.”

 

“I ain't touched her.”

 

“That's your definition of intimidation? Whether or not you touched them? Remember Harry from school? You intimidated him,” Cas reminded him.

 

Dean scowled as he tried picturing Harry’s face. “You talking about that asshat Spengler?”

 

“Yes, him. You know very well you intimidated him simply by looking at him.”

 

“And you're forgetting the reason behind this alleged intimidation, my friend,” Dean protested.

 

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes. “Yes, I remember. And I was fine, Dean.”

 

“Fine? You were fine? You call bruises as  _ fine _ ?”

 

Cas shook his head. It figured Dean remembered it differently. High school antics from a high school bully in the form of one Harry Spengler, who took immense pleasure of pushing him into the lockers. Naturally, Cas kept quiet about it until weeks later when Harry once again pushed him into the metal lockers. Only this time, he had been pushed face first. Cas remembered cutting his cheek on the metal vent slots. There would be no hiding this now from Dean or Gabriel. The question was who would get the first crack at Harry? Cas couldn't remember who had been more pissed, Dean or Gabe for not saying something about the earlier incidents. Either way, it wouldn't be a good day for poor Harry Spengler. News spread fast both boys were looking for retribution. Cas had tried talking both of them down with no luck. Gabe claimed it was a big brother’s right as Dean claimed the best friend honor. He never found out who was actually responsible, but Harry came to school a few days later with a very obvious black eye and a fat lip. What had surprised Cas the most was Harry actually apologizing to  _ him _ with the promise of never touching him again.

 

“You know, you never told me who was responsible for hitting Harry,” Cas tried.

 

“You know? It's a shame but I can't seem to quite remember now.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Cas said, unconvinced. “I say it was you. Violence isn't Gabe’s style. He's more of a trickster.”

 

“Oh, but it sounds just like  _ me _ is what you're saying?”

 

“If the black eye fits,” Cas just grinned. “Did you know he actually went by Gabe’s bank to apply for a job a few years ago?”

 

“No shit? Did Gabe hire him?”

 

“He did. Gabe says he's very good at his job. Even says hello to me when I visited Gabe.”

 

Dean starts laughing at the thought of Harry fucking Spengler working for Gabe. What nerve it must have taken to apply at the bank only to find one of two people who threatened to beat your ass as a bank manager.

 

“So, in other words, you're not telling?”

 

Dean simply smiled and stared at him. Cas sighed. “I don't know if I feel comfortable with you sharing a dark secret with my brother, Dean.”

 

“Dark secret? Pfft, please,” Dean scoffed. They finished eating, sitting back to allow their food to digest.

 

“Now, we ready to roll?” He asked after a few long minutes.

 

Cas looked down at their empty plates and nodded. “Great. Let's see how long it'll take to get the check,” Dean told him.

 

Dean glanced around for their waitress but Cas spotted her first and already signaled for the check. A few minutes later, they made their way back outside. Once at the car, Dean pulled out the atlas to track their next couple of stops. They were getting closer to L.A., which helped Cas feel more relax the endless road trip would be over soon. It was agreed Dean would take point for a while. At least until they reached California when Cas would take over leading again.

 

A couple of hours later they crossed into Utah. The first thing Cas noticed was traffic had thinned out significantly. Pink colored mountains laid along the horizon front of them. He had the windows down and the radio turned up. He saw Dean’s arm casually hanging out the window and he smiled as he pictured the way the breeze must be playing with his blonde hair. Imaging Dean singing along to any classic rock stations he might have found on the radio while wearing his sunglasses. No doubt a picture to behold. Cas thought of their conversation at breakfast and wondered if perhaps he spoke rashly. It wasn't Dean’s fault he didn't have a better grasp of his feelings. He also knew Dean wouldn't purposely hurt him, confusion or not. He just needed to learn how to repress his feelings. Maybe moving to L.A. would help him in the long run.

 

By the time they stopped for lunch, he was starving. Three meals were not enough to sustain him throughout the entire day. Cas tried a couple times to get him to drink one of those powdered drinks meant to fill you up he loved so much. But Dean thought they tasted so chalky and disgusting, he nearly threw them all out of the apartment. But Cas talked him out of it, promising never again to suggest them. As he parked the car in the parking lot, he glanced over to watch Cas as the van parked next to him a few seconds later. As anxious as Cas was about reaching L.A., Dean wished there was a way to prolong the trip. Despite a few hurdles which included Cas’ hurting his back the first night and Dean’s failed attempt at following through with a pickup at a bar last night, they had an easy trip. But Cas’ belief he wasn't completely straight had him thinking about it on the drive to their current stop unable to come up with any answers. What the hell was Cas seeing so clearly he wasn't?

 

Thankfully, there were no rude waitresses to show them to their table. Cas thanked her as she handed them their menus. Looking over the selections, he felt Dean’s eyes on him. He looked at Dean and smiled but Dean’s expression didn't change as he kept staring.

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“Nope,” Dean answered with a soft pop on the ‘p’.

 

“And we’re staring because…?” Cas asked, drawled out.

 

“No reason.”

 

Cas sighed, crossing his arms in front of him on the table. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I don't know,” Dean answered, looking away. “I just can't stop thinking.”

 

“Okay, about what?”

 

Dean turned his head back to look at him. “It’s stupid.”

 

“Let me be the judge about that.”

 

Dean sighed, chewing his bottom lip. “What if I am… you know?”

 

It took a minute for him to realize what Dean meant. “And if you are?”

 

“That's just it. I don't know. But what if I am? Do I have to like fuck dudes, too?”

 

Cas leaned closer to the table. “Dean, you already have,” he said calmly.

 

“Oh. Right,” Dean said as if the idea never crossed his mind.

 

“And it’s not like there's a quota. No one says you only have to just screw women or just screw men. It’s about who you find attractive.”

 

“You make it sound so simple.”

 

“Sexuality isn't simple, Dean. There's no ‘one size fits all’. It's what fits for you.”

 

“I just… just… I need time.”

 

“Do you feel as if I'm pushing you?” Cas asked with concern.

 

“Well, no. But I'm twenty-five. I should have this shit figured out.”

 

“Dean, there are people in their forties who don't have this shit figured out. You don't need to rush into a decision this instant. Just…,” he exhaled as he thought about his next statement. “Think about it for a few days. See if ‘bisexual’ fits. Then figure out the next step.”

 

“What if I'm just bi-curious?”

 

“That may be the case, too. That's why I said to think about it.”

 

“You got this shit figured out when we twelve, man.”

 

“Because of support groups. You honestly believe twelve-year-old me was smart enough to have this figured out?” He chuckled.

 

“Support groups, huh?”

 

“Think about it before you start storm trooping your way in there.”

 

“Really? You're gonna  _ Star Wars _ me?”

 

“In this case, yes. Yes, I am,” he grinned.

 

“All right. I'll think it over. Happy?”

 

“Ecstatic,” Cas deadpanned.

 

Dean chuckled, finally opening his menu. Cas held his grin as he, too, returned his attention to his menu. Dean seemed calmer as they had lunch. Cas tried not letting himself get too excited about Dean possibly accepting the idea he liked sleeping with men. It was a far cry from accepting one was bisexual to wanting to sleep with him. And far too easy for Cas to be hurt again if Dean decided he wanted neither of those things. So, he would be there for Dean as his best friend.

 

Dean caught himself staring at Cas a few times. He must not have caught on or decided just not to comment on it. Either way, Dean was grateful. After they were done eating, they made their way out. Cas was in front of him but Dean couldn’t stop from checking out Cas’ ass. Especially Cas’ ass in those jeans. The ones which hugged his ass just perfectly. He suddenly bumped right into him, not realizing Cas had stopped.

 

“What are you doing?” Cas asked as he chuckled.

 

“I wasn't paying attention. Didn't mean to run into you.”

 

“Make sure you do  _ pay attention _ when you're in my car,” Cas teased.

 

“Hey, I'm a good driver, I'll have you know.”

 

“Oh, you'll have me know?”

 

Dean playfully nudged him before looking at him apologetic. For a few seconds, he forgot Cas didn't want to be touched by him. Cas nudged him back to show it was okay as Dean visibly relaxed.

 

“Wanna go out for a couple beers again once we get settled in the room?”Dean asked suddenly.

 

“We could stay in and drink in the room?” Cas suggested.

 

“Stay in? Yeah, if you wanted to do that.”

 

Cas saw disappoint skidding across his face and sighed. “Fine. Maybe we can find one with a pool table.”

 

“Yeah?” Dean’s face lit up. “You’ll play pool?”

 

“Just be gentle. I'm not the great hustler you are, Winchester.”

 

“Scout’s honor,” he said, holding up two fingers.

 

“That's not even right,” Cas scoffed, nudging him as he walked to the van.

 

The Interstate still was fairly quiet by Dean’s standards as an occasional car passed them. He hated driving this stretch of highway the first time and this time wasn't any better. One hundred and eight miles of nothing but dirt, road, and mountains. Nothing for miles if you broke down. He kept a continuous glance in the rearview mirror, ensuring Cas was still behind him. He’d be damned if he was losing him out here. Each time he saw the van behind him, he breathed that much easier. The road was winding past spectacular rock formations. Some of which had him wondering if cowboys used to ride past as they made the long journey for their cattle runs. He would have made an awesome cowboy. True he never rode a horse before. But how hard could it be? Click your tongue to get the horse starting to move, hold onto the reins, and Hi-ho Silver, he would be on his way. Though he couldn't see Cas on horseback. And the poor horse who carried Sam’s ginormous frame would be in traction. Maybe one day he’d talk Cas into joining him on vacation to a real-life dude ranch. Sam could come if he wanted to. They’d need help cleaning out the stalls, right? The dream of visiting a ranch kept him entertained until they finally approached their hotel. Dean parked by the office.

 

“Hey, what do you think about visiting a ranch?” Dean asked once he got out and Cas came over to wait until they were checked in.

 

Cas looked at him with a confused look. “A what?”

 

“You know a ranch. We could get dressed up in chaps, wear those fancy shirts, and maybe a Sarape, the whole nine yards. Yeah?” Dean asked, an excited smile on his face.

 

“A Sarape? I wasn't aware it was customary to wear a blanket just to visit a ranch.”

 

“It’s called authenticity, dude.”

 

“Oh, I can think of some other words,” Cas smirked.

 

Dean just shot him a bitchface before going to the office. Cas held the back of his hand to his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. He didn't want Dean thinking he was laughing at him. The idea of visiting a ranch was almost laughable. Dean would have made a good cowboy. But him? He would have been lucky not to get killed just from standing too close to the cattle.

 

“Ready?”

 

Dean’s sudden voice startled him out of his thoughts. Cas cleared his throat as he went to the car to retrieve his bag. Dean had his bag in hand when Cas stopped him with a hand on his arm.

 

“Dean,” he said gently. “I would go with you to see a ranch. I'm just not sure I would be someone who you would want to be there. Perhaps Sam would be more appropriate?”

 

Dean looked at him. “I’d want you, there. Or maybe we’ll go somewhere we can dig our toes in the sand. You, me, and Sam.”

 

Cas smiled at the beach idea. “I like that idea.”

 

“We got time to figure it out. For now, let's drop off our gear and see about getting those beers.”

 

Their room was actually different than the last ones. Their room had two queen-sized beds. As usual a dresser. But the room had a small mini-fridge along with a coffee maker. And a desk instead of the usual small table. It almost had a sense of being too small. Not that it mattered, after tomorrow he would be in his new apartment. It was both sad and exciting. He stepped into the room and set his bag on the desk, glancing over his shoulder as Dean already staked claim to the nearest bed.

 

“It’s sort of small, isn't it?” Cas asked.

 

“I don't know. Wasn't really planning on throwing a dance party here,” Dean quipped.

 

“I guess we’ll just make due.”

 

“C’mon, let's go get a couple drinks. You're getting antsy again.”

 

They found a bar a couple minutes away. Unfortunately, no pool table. So they sat at a table in the corner and nursed a couple Hennessy beers.Cas’ fingers played with the edge of the beer label as they sat in silence. Dean glanced at him a few times but didn't say anything. By this time tomorrow, they would be in L.A. After staying the night, he would be on the road back home. Alone. Two more days before he walked away from Cas. God, he hated how it felt as if he were abandoning him. Would he be able to do it, to simply walk away?


	7. Chapter 7

Cas was deciding how he should feel. Or at least decide which emotion he should be sticking with. Everything from excitement to sadness was washing over him. A few times over the last couple of days he wanted to simply turn around and go home. Only to realize he didn't have a home in Kansas anymore. The apartment had new renters waiting for Dean to clear out before moving in. And Dean wouldn't even be in Lawrence either. And come Monday, Cas was expected at his new job. So much was changing at once it was a bit overwhelming. He had become complacent with Dean always being there. Now he had to learn to stand on his own two feet.

 

“I'm scared,” Cas confessed in a whisper.

 

Dean looked at him, pursing his lips. “Of what?”

 

“Everything is changing. I'm afraid I made the wrong choice.”

 

“Wrong choice as far as what?” Dean asked him, taking a drink of his beer.

 

“In the sense, I should have just stayed in Kansas. Grandpa worked for the paper for years. Why wouldn't I stay?”

 

“Nothing wrong with wanting more, Cas. Or see what else is out there. Hell, I'm moving to fucking  _ Lebanon _ on a chance, too. I don't know what's waiting for me there. It could just as easily go to shit for me, too. But you gotta have faith it'll work out in the end.”

 

Cas looked between him and the beer bottle that was in front of him. “I think I'm more scared our friendship is going to change the most.”

 

“I told you it wasn't gonna change, man. You'll still call me an idiot or asshole or half the other names you call me,” he smiled. “And I'll still call you dork and half the other names I call you.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Promise,” Dean nodded once.

 

Cas almost believed him, offering him a small smile. Out of all the changes he was worried about the idea of losing Dean was the foremost. They would be carrying on a long distance relationship, essentially. Most romantic relationships couldn't survive long distances. Could their friendship? God, he hoped so.

 

“I'm getting hungry. You getting hungry?” Dean asked him.

 

“We haven't had dinner yet. Not that you ever need a reason to eat.”

 

“I don't think I like what you're implying, Novak.”

 

Cas chuckled softly, taking another drink. They both finished their beers before seriously deciding to get something to eat. It was way past dinner time according to Dean’s stomach. After some debate, Dean managed to talk Cas into getting burgers as their last hurrah to their last night in a hotel room.

 

He was damn near starving by the time they returned to their room. A lack of table meant they were forced to eat on their beds. Dean even felt generous enough to let Cas have control over what they’d watch on the TV. Completely ignoring Cas’ surprised look. He was proud of himself he managed to keep his sarcastic comments to himself whenever Cas paused to watch something boring for a few minutes before flipping to the next channel. But just barely as Dean continued eating.

 

He had been surprised when Dean willingly gave up control of the remote. Not that he ever paid attention to whatever was playing. There were always articles to write or something to read. Dean was the movie addict. Flipping through the channels, he found a show about restoring cars he knew Dean would like.

 

“Put on what you want, man,” Dean told him, stuffing a fry into his mouth.

 

“I have no idea what to watch. Besides, once I'm done eating I'm taking a shower.”

 

Dean shrugged as he accepted his explanation. “Last night in a shitty hotel.”

 

“It hasn't been all bad,” Cas reminded him. 

  
  


Something was wrong. Cas was suddenly sitting stiffly on his bed. He chewed his food slowly trying to think of what he said for Cas to suddenly seem unhappy. He just made the comment about shitty hotels, to which Cas said it wasn't all bad. Then boom. He got uncomfortable. Suddenly it dawned on him what Cas was referring to, feeling himself blushing. “Yeah. Definitely wasn't all bad,” he chuckled.

 

Cas looked over at Dean, returning his smile as he wondered about the pink tint to Dean’s cheeks. “Do you need the bathroom before I take my shower?” He asked, standing up.

 

“Nope. I'm okay.”

 

Without another word, he quickly walked to the bathroom, closing the door firmly. Dean snickered softly. “Fucking dork.”

 

Goddamn, it was getting harder to suppress his feelings. The conversation during lunch wasn't helping his confusion. One more night. After tomorrow night, Dean would be leaving in the morning to go back home. He just had to make it through one more day. After a few minutes, he got undressed and stepped into the shower.

 

The rest of the night was spent in their typical fashion of Dean watching television while Cas read. It didn't feel awkward or even tense. Cas could almost fool himself into fantasizing they were at his apartment spending a quiet night in. Of course, in his fantasies, they would be snuggling on the couch or even their bed. He had no idea if Dean even liked snuggling or if he’d push him away. Cas loved snuggling, being practically fused together at the hip. Feeling as if you couldn't get close enough. Lazy hands touching each other until it became too much and the need for relief was growing. Cas suddenly growled in frustration, closing his book and letting it drop next to him on the bed, realizing he just made himself uncomfortably horny. Without looking at Dean, he quietly got up and went to his bag. He felt incredibly shy as he retrieved his lube, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible with Dean in the room. He closed his eyes briefly as he silently prayed Dean wouldn't see the bottle of lube in his hand as he went to the bathroom.

 

Dean chuckled once the bathroom door closed. So  _ that _ was what was wrong with Cas, the dude was horny, something he related to. He tried thinking how long it's been, only remembering the last person was Cas. The smile dropped instantly. Cas was the last person he had sex with. He glanced towards the bathroom, chewing his bottom lip as if he was able to witness what Cas was doing, suddenly struck by the urge to see if Cas wanted a helping hand. The thought was like cold water to his system. Why was he thinking about helping Cas? The man was capable of jacking himself off without any help.  _ Yes, but you would love to help him _ . No sounds came from the other side of the door, not that he was listening… much. He imagined Cas stroking himself slowly so the loudness of his cries was more manageable. Dean pictured Cas’ head tipped back, eyes closed and lips slightly parted as he felt his pleasure coursing through him. Goddamnit! Now he was the one with the problem. Looking at the still closed door, Dean willed Cas to come out. He turned his attention back to the TV, hoping to distract himself. Cursing under his breath, he got redressed. He would just go back down to the bar and see about picking up someone. He quickly grabbed his keys and key card before heading out.

 

He was confused. He stood in the bathroom doorway and glanced around the room. He swore Dean didn't mention about going back out. Maybe he left to give him some privacy, not that it was necessary. He wasn't able to come. Not with knowing what was right on the other side of the door. The television was still on so Cas grabbed the remote and crawled back under the sheets and prepared for a long night.

 

It didn't take much effort on his part to talk some sweet thing to go with him outside. He had forgotten her name by the time he got back to the car. Not that it mattered since he would be gone in the morning. He was proud of himself for actually getting further with this girl than the last one. He had been surprised his mind didn't bring up Cas once as he was balls deep in whatever-her-name and how damn good it felt. He got her to come twice before he finally sought his own release. As he drove back to the hotel, he already was making plans for a shower, smelling her perfume and sex on himself. He wondered if Cas would still be awake as he pulled into the hotel’s parking lot.

 

Cas heard the door opening but kept his eyes on the TV. The door closed softly as Dean walked into the room, not looking at him. He caught the subtle scent of perfume as Dean walked past his bed. Cas tried keeping himself from frowning in disapproval. So, that's where he went. To find a  _ female _ companion. Cas knew it was childish to be mad at him and being jealous of the faceless woman. But here he was, mad and jealous. He watched Dean’s back as he dug in his bag for his pajamas, draping his red checkered cotton pants over his shoulder as he continued looking for a shirt. Cas couldn't explain his reasoning for feeling anger at Dean. He finally pulled his gaze back to the TV.

 

“Did you at least practice safe sex?” Cas asked snappishly.

 

“I always do,” Dean answered calmly.

 

“Not with me,” he reminded him.

 

“You're different,” Dean said as if that explained everything.

 

Flipping a grey shirt over the same shoulder with his pants, he ducked into the bathroom and closed the door.

 

Cas growled to himself, hating how he felt as well as well as snapping at Dean. But he was unable to stop himself from getting up and going to the bathroom door, hearing the muffled sounds of the shower running. His next move took him by surprise; he opened the door.

 

“What was her name?” Cas asked so Dean heard him over the shower.

 

“I don't know,” Dean answered loudly.

 

“You don't know? What, you just sweet-talked the first woman you saw?” His tone accusatory.

 

Dean slid the shower curtain back enough so he saw Cas clearly. “Are you jealous? What's with the third degree?”

 

Cas felt his anger rising. “Don't be ridiculous. I couldn't care less who you screw. Just tell me you had the courtesy not to use  _ my _ car as your breeding ground.”

 

Dean looked at him with a look of surprised anger. “Are you fucking serious right now? You think I seriously would do that in your car?”

 

Cas crossed his arms and just looked away without answering as Dean scoffed. “Guess I got my answer, didn't I?”

 

“If you needed somewhere to go,” Cas tried explaining.

 

“Hey, no. I get it. I'm just an inconsiderate asshole, right?”

 

It was hard not hearing the hurt in Dean’s tone. “Dean, I didn't…”

 

“I gotta finish my shower. So unless you want a show…,” Dean cut him off.

 

Cas wanted to apologize but the shower curtain was already closed, signaling the end of any further discussions. Cas stepped out of the bathroom, quietly shutting the door.

 

He hated arguing with anyone but more so with Dean. His stomach already clenching into tight knots as he sat back down on his bed. After a few minutes, he heard the bathroom door open but he just bowed his head in shame to avoid seeing Dean’s expression he just knew was one of anger. Dean glared at Cas despite him not looking at him.

 

“Want to tell me what the fuck that was about?” Dean asked, pulling his shirt over his head.

 

“I shouldn't have said that,” Cas shook his head, his voice soft.

 

“I wouldn't do that to you, dude. All right? I know I can be thoughtless sometimes. But I really wouldn't do that.”

 

“I know. I'm sorry I suggested otherwise,” he said shakily.

 

Dean sighed, fighting between holding onto his anger and feeling apologetic. He walked over to Cas’ bed and sat down next to him, their shoulders touching. When Cas made the attempt to scoot away, Dean laid a hand on Cas’ thigh to stop him.

 

“Just talk to me,” Dean encouraged gently. “What’s wrong?”

 

Cas nearly shook his head to stave off needing to explain his behavior. It was embarrassing having to admit Dean correctly called out his jealousy.

 

“Please don't make me say it,” Cas pleaded.

 

“I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong. Just tell me.”

 

“What good will come from it?” Cas asked, finally looking at him. “You want me to embarrass myself, is that it? Enjoy hearing how you're right and I am jealous?”

 

“You're mad at  _ me _ now?”

 

“No, I'm not. But I don't see what good comes from me telling you how much I care for you, Dean. Especially when you're not even sure which gender you want to be with.”

 

“Meaning what?”

 

“Meaning I won't be your science experiment.”

 

“My--? My what?” He stood up as his anger flared again.

 

“Your science experiment,” he repeated. “You had no problems fucking me. But you said you needed time to figure things out and I agreed. But you wasted no time in picking up some bar whore and fucking her, did you? So forgive me if I'm having a hard time in believing you'll finally admit you're bisexual.”

 

Neither one said anything as the air between them crackled. Dean just looked at Cas in shock, not expecting him to actually confess he was jealous. Cas glared at Dean for forcing him to reveal more than he wanted.

 

“Forget it,” Cas said flatly. “I'm just going to bed. You can do whatever you want.”

 

Cas crawled back under his sheets and rolled back on his side away from Dean, who still between the beds in complete stunned silence.

 

After it was clear Cas wouldn't say anything more, Dean crawled under his own sheets and faced Cas. He left the light on in case either of them had to get up through the night. He watched Cas’ shoulders starting to relax as he drifted to sleep, barely hearing Cas’ soft breathing. At least one of them could sleep. He knew exactly what Cas was trying so hard not to say. He wanted Dean to admit being bi and choose him to be with. It wasn't as cut and dry as Cas believed. He couldn't just come out and announce to the world he was bisexual, or even gay. No way would his parents accept him. They accepted Cas, no problem because Cas wasn't their son. Cas didn't have to listen as his mom kept going on about maybe settling down in Lebanon with a wife and two point two kids with a white picket fenced house and a dog to boot. No. there was no way he could crush his parents by telling them he was bi.

 

Besides, Cas would be living in L.A. Did he think Dean would make the commute back and forth to Kansas and back? Long distance relationships were notoriously hard to maintain. It just wouldn't work out in either their favors. He hated the idea of hurting Cas but it would be necessary. Cas would find someone more worthy to fall in love with. And that was what it boiled down to. Dean didn't feel worthy of Cas’ love. A simple country boy mechanic. He’d only hold Cas back from greatness as he broadened his horizons. Hell, he was moving to fucking L.A. for work. What could he bring to the table? Nothing, that’s what. No, it was better this way.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, emotions were still running high. Neither said anything to each other as they got ready for the day and to start heading out on the last leg of their journey. Breakfast was just as silent. Cas spent most of it texting on his phone. Dean glanced at him a few times but still said nothing. He hated fighting with Cas. And who knew how long it would be before they would start talking again? He promised himself he wouldn't leave things the way they were. Vowing to fix this before he left in the morning.

 

Once they were done, they made their way back the vehicles, which looked as if they were even fighting from the distances they were parked from each other. Cas barely looked at him as he walked towards the side parking lot. Dean glanced at the car in the front parking lot before following Cas, just a few steps behind him.

 

Cas turned around before Dean even had a chance to lay a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

 

“Why are you following me?” The words sounding like an accusation.

 

“I don't wanna fight with you anymore, Cas. In a few hours, you'll be at your new place and I'm leaving in the morning. I don't want to leave things like this between us.”

 

Cas’ shoulders sagged as he nodded. “I don't either.”

 

“Then let's just stop, all right? Call a truce or whatever.”

 

Cas looked at Dean and nodded again. “Yes, all right. Truce… or whatever.”

 

“Good,” Dean relaxed. “Now, how are you on gas? Do we need to stop before we get going?”

 

“It probably wouldn't hurt.”

 

“Okay, let's see if we can fix that,” Dean offered a hesitant smile, Cas smiling back just as cautiously.

 

Dean patted Cas’ shoulder before turning to head back to the car. Once Dean’s back was turned, Cas let his smile drop. His feelings were still hurt by their fight. The things he hadn't meant to reveal as well as the words he didn't have the courage to say. A simple vow of truce wasn't enough to stop the hurt. But he didn't want to leave things in the balance either. So, he would just suppress whatever he was feeling, just like he had over the past few days.


	9. Chapter 9

They finally reached Las Vegas, veering off the expressway to grab lunch. Five minutes of trying to navigate through the streets and Dean was ready to yank out his hair. He pulled into the parking lot of the first restaurant he saw just to escape the thousands of other cars on the roads. Despite having been parked for a good ten minutes, he made no effort to leave the car, his hands gripping the steering wheel in a tight lock. It wasn't until Cas tapped on the glass that Dean finally moved. He turned his head to look at Cas, who looked confused to why Dean wasn't moving.

 

“Are you okay?” Cas’ voice muffled by the glass.

 

Dean just nodded and carefully opened the door so he wouldn't hit Cas. “I'm fine. Just needed a few minutes to calm down.”

 

“We can relax inside, Dean, with a couple beers. I think you deserve it.”

 

Dean smiled as his mouth watered in anticipation as he followed Cas inside.

A sign hanging by the doors stated for customers to find their own seats. He followed Cas as they sat down at a table by the window. The table easily set four and was a dark wood which matched the wooden rafters above their heads. Dean glanced upwards and saw an ancient looking air condition, despite it being old, it cooled the air down comfortably. They didn't have to wait long for their waitress, who said her greeting with a smile as she mentioned the daily specials. One of the laminated menus listed available craft beers. Dean was surprised by how many choices there were. He decided just to let the waitress pick one out for him. Cas quickly made that drink order for two but asked for additional time to decide on their lunch order. She smiled as she left them to their menus.

 

Cas glanced around the restaurant, looking anywhere besides at Dean. They weren't exactly fighting but Cas still felt frustration from last night, hoping he wouldn't need to explain to Dean. It would be embarrassing to admit his jealousy as well as his humiliation at practically forcing Dean to choose him as a sex partner. He should apologize and promise to be more understanding of Dean’s struggles. Just because he believed Dean was bisexual didn't give Cas the right to pressure him into anything.

 

“Four more hours, man,” Dean said before Cas got a chance to open his mouth.

 

“We should go out and do something,” Cas suggested.

 

“Sure. We can do that. What do you wanna do?” Dean didn't know L.A. and last time they didn't visit any attractions.

 

Cas took out his phone and looked up local attractions in the Los Angeles area. “We could go see a movie?” He looked up to glance at Dean. “A couple movies you wanted to see are out.”

 

“Yeah, all right. Been a while since we saw a movie in a theater.”

 

“Great,” Cas smiled. “We’ll aim for the nine twenty-five showing.”

 

“What movie?”

 

Cas slid his phone towards him so he could see the movie theater website. The movie had some action film actor Dean practically drooled over but whose name Cas never remembered.

 

“You sure you want to see that one?” Dean asked skeptically.

 

“I'm sure,” Cas smiled. “Maybe we can find a seafood restaurant afterward.”

 

It sounded like a date to Dean but kept his suspicions to himself. He often wondered what going on a date would be like. All the times they hung out together, none of them felt like they were a date. Only… this time it did and it scared him a bit at how much he liked the idea. Then he quickly reminded himself it wasn't what Cas wanted. “You spring for popcorn and I'll buy dinner.” Now it wasn't a date but just hanging out. Though he wasn't sure why that idea felt disappointing.

 

“Deal,” Cas agreed with a single nod.

 

They kept talking about the movie as well as attractions Cas hoped to see while he was living in the city as the waitress returned to take their order. This was what he was going to miss. Easy conversations with a best friend. Cas wondered if he would be making any new friends, something which didn't come easily to him.

 

The idea almost made him anxious. He often wished he was as confident as Dean when it came to meeting new people. Dean could bullshit his way through any conversation while Cas often became tongue-tied as his nerves ate away at his stomach. He didn't want to lose Dean’s friendship. Why did this trip constantly feel as if their friendship was changing? He wondered if Dean felt that way, too.

 

With a satisfied sigh, Dean pushed his empty plate to the side and sat back in his chair. He smirked when he heard Cas’ soft chuckle.

 

Neither said anything as their smiles

stayed in place. Dean felt his heartbeat quicken the longer they stared at each other. Good god, Cas was absolutely gorgeous. Of course, he always knew Cas was attractive, he had eyes after all. But just sitting here and staring openly at him, Dean suddenly realized he was attracted to the other man.

 

There had to be some attraction in order to sleep with him. But this was something entirely different. This was… An attraction with a capital A. And it scared him.

 

Cas’ expression quickly turned to one of concern as Dean kept staring. For a moment he thought Dean was looking at someone behind him. But a quick glance over his shoulder revealed no one was behind him. Dean was looking at  _ him _ .

  
  


_ Stop staring, stop staring _ . Dean shouted to himself, forcing his gaze on anything besides Cas. He suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed neither feeling he cared for.

 

“We all set?” He asked, scooting his chair away from the table.

 

“Yes,” Cas answered, wiping his mouth one last time before balling up the napkin and dropping it on his empty plate.

 

Dean quickly swiped up the bill before Cas had a chance to reach for it. “I win,” Dean teased, walking towards the register.

 

Cas tsked softly and smiling as he gently pushed at Dean’s shoulder as he followed him out. Once they got to the register, he signaled to Dean he was stepping outside, to which Dean nodded.

 

Stepping outside, Cas took his phone out and typed out a quick message to both of their mothers that they reached Las Vegas safely. A few minutes later, he got two replies from both women. Cas’ mom was happy to hear they were nearly done with traveling. Mary’s reply was a bit more unhappy, imploring with him have Dean contact her. He almost felt bad for any reprimands Dean possibly received later that day. A few minutes later Dean came out, looking around for him, not seeing him leaning against the building.

 

“I think I got you in trouble,” Cas said hesitantly.

 

Dean’s head whipped around quickly at the sound of Cas’ voice coming from behind. “Jesus, dude. Whatchya hiding there for?”

 

‘I’m not hiding. Just staying out of the way,” Cas pointed out, smiling slightly in apology for startling him.

 

Dean exhaled sharply as he tried calming his heart from being surprised. “Now what's this about me being in trouble?” He asked, walking towards Cas and standing next to him.

 

“I sent a text to both our moms to let them know we made it safely here. Your mom wrote back practically begging me to have you call her.”

 

Dean sighed, shaking his head. Why must she still treat him like he was five? He called his dad. Not his fault if John didn't relay the messages.

 

Cas looked at Dean, realization washed over him Dean hadn't been in touch as much as he had promised his mom. “Dean,” he said disapprovingly with a frown.

 

“It’s not like I haven’t talked to them,” Dean explained. “I’ve texted my dad a couple times since we left. If he doesn't relay the message to her, that's not on me, man.”

 

Cas just looked at him unimpressed. “Dean, call your mother right now. I'm not moving until you do so.” He crossed his arms to prove his point.

 

Dean pulled out his phone with an irritated sigh, mumbling curses under his breath as he glared at Cas. Cas simply grinned at him, unaffected by the glare. Dean walked in small circles as he called her, narrowing his eyes at him after each pass. Cas bowed his head as he still smiled.

 

“Hey, Mom… no, Cas said you wanted me to call… no, I didn't forget how to use a phone,” he sighed with irritation. “Mom, we’ve been traveling… Well, Sammy’s always been the better son… You're right. That was mean. I'm sorry… I know you worry… four hours… I'll call when we get there… yes, I promise. I'll even tell Cas to remind me… I know you do. I love you, too… I'll tell him… Mom? We gotta go. We’re just standing out here in the parking lot like a couple creepy douches… bye, Mom.”

 

He hung up, looking at Cas with an expression of ‘satisfied?’. Cas nodded in answer, mouthing ‘good job’ back at him. Dean flipped him off then turned to head back to the car, leaving a laughing Cas behind.

 

Cas followed him a few seconds later. He knew all of Dean’s glares, having been the recipient of a few of them over the years. The ones Dean threw at him a few minutes ago were without any heat. It was more irritation than actual anger.

 

Dean hated when his mom pulled the guilt trips with him. It wasn't as if he was intentionally avoiding her, he just didn't have anything to tell her. Did she want to hear about seeing miles of nothing but dirt, roads, mountains, and road stops? And wasn't that just like her to remind him how bad he was at communication as she threw Sammy in his face? The ‘favorite son’ called frequently. Shocker. He felt his irritation rising as he got in the car, feeling the need to drive.

 

Cas waited a few seconds for Dean to start backing out only to realize it was his turn to lead. Setting up the GPS for the apartment, he then started backing out. Once he pulled out of the parking lot, he glanced at his rearview mirror and confirmed Dean was behind him with a small smile. They passed several tourist attractions. Mandalay Bay. King Tut’s exhibit. Things he would like to see that he knew Dean would not, already making plans to return to Las Vegas on his own.

 

They finally were out on the open road. He had the radio turned up all the way and was steadily following behind Cas, calming down each mile they drove. By the time they actually reached the city limits of L.A., he nearly forgot the reason he was pissed, to begin with. His temper was rising again as they drove through downtown.

 

Cas slowed down not too much longer from the madness, pulling in front of an apartment complex, Dean parked behind him. He got out of the car the same time Cas got out of the van, meeting where both vehicles met.

 

“Do you want to park the car while I start bringing the boxes up?” Cas asked, glancing up and down both directions of the sidewalk.

 

“Yeah, sure. But wait for me before going up.”

 

Cas nodded as he passed him, going around to the back of the truck and unlocking the back door of the van. Dean went back to the car and drove to the parking lot as Cas sat on the bumper and waited for him. A few minutes later, he heard footsteps on the sidewalk approaching closer. Peeking around the van, Cas smiled as he saw Dean, who smiled in return.

 

“The parking lot’s got good lighting. So you'll be safe if you need to go out nights,” Dean informed him, handing him back the keys.

 

“I would hope so as much as the apartment is.”

 

“Well, let's get moving. We gonna make the movie?” Dean asked, looking over at him as Cas checked on his phone.

 

“Um… yes,” Cas answered, looking up the directions to the movie theater. “It’s twenty minutes away.”

 

“That’s not bad. Won’t take us but maybe fifteen to get these boxes moved.”

 

Cas took the keys from Dean, looking for his apartment key as Dean grabbed the first of the boxes. Cas grabbed the next one, stepping away from the van and closing the back door, following Dean towards the courtyard of the apartment complex.

Dean softly whistled in awe as he saw the swimming pool.

 

“I forgot you had a pool here,” he said as he made his way up the metal stairs towards the second level.

 

“Doubtful I'll even use it,” Cas said, sounding unimpressed.

 

“Too bad I'm not staying longer. I’d get your ass in there.”

 

Cas just glanced at him almost doubtfully, leading the way towards the apartment. He set the box down at his feet so he could unlock the door. Dean glanced around, getting a bird’s eye view of the swimming area below. Cas opened the door and picked the box back up again and stepped into the doorway. Balancing the box with his left hip, he quickly reached with his right hand on the wall for the lightswitch. The apartment was just the same as their last visit. Only it was now furnished. The kitchen was to the immediate left as you entered. Kind of small but galley kitchens didn’t really offer much moving room. The breakfast bar looked into the living room, which was fairly good sized. A sliding door at the far wall led out to a small balcony. The hallway leading to the two bedrooms and bathroom was on the left of the sliding doors Cas led the way towards his bedroom at the end of the short hallway and to the right. The guest bedroom was to the left. The bathroom was between both bedrooms. 

 

They made quick work bringing the remaining boxes up from the van. Once they were done, Dean parked the van in the visitors section of the parking lot, while Cas quickly changed clothes, pulling out his last clean outfit from his bag. He would need to do laundry soon. Maybe he would start a load before they left, adding Dean’s clothes as well. He would need fresh clothes for his return trip home.

 

He heard the front door closing followed by a soft groan a few minutes later. He smiled as he pictured Dean stretched out on the couch. Once he was dressed, he went back out to the living room and wasn't disappointed as Dean was, indeed, stretched out on the couch almost comically.

 

“Are you going to make it, old man?” Cas chuckled.

 

“Hey, you should be thanking me. I saved you from having to lugging the boxes up here.”

 

“You're right. I'm sorry. That's why I'm springing for popcorn, right?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Well, I'm going to start a load of clothes before we go. I’m adding your clothes as well,” Cas informed him, picking up Dean's bag by the breakfast bar.

 

“You don't have to do my laundry, dude,” Dean told him, still not moving.

 

“Just say thank you, Dean,” Cas playfully chastised before disappearing down the hallway.

 

By the time he returned, Dean was sitting up and retying his shoelaces. Only then did Dean realize Cas had changed his clothes. He was now wearing a pair of black jeans and a plain dark blue tee shirt. And he looked absolutely stunning. Dean cleared his throat as he stood up.

 

“Should I bring a jacket?” Cas asked, picking up his phone from the breakfast bar.

 

“You wanna dig in the boxes for one?”

 

“Not really. I should be okay.”

 

“So, do you know where we’re going?” Dean asked, heading towards the door.

 

“If you mean by directions, then yes. But I can’t say I know where I'm going by familiarity.”

 

“What are we doing first?”

 

“I thought we’d eat something first then go see the movie. Is that all right?”

 

“Yeah. Sounds great. I could eat.”

 

“Yes, I'm all too familiar with your appetite.”

 

Dean chuckled as he followed Cas out of the apartment, lightly poking his side and getting a surprised squeal from Cas, who glared at him without any malice behind it as he locked up.

 

Naturally, Dean was the one driving. If he thought Las Vegas was bad with traffic, it was nothing compared to L.A. A few close calls to fender benders had his nerves humming and earning a few cautionary looks from Cas. Thankfully the restaurant wasn't too much further. Cas looked relieved the minute they pulled into the parking lot. Dean hoped he would be able to keep his temper in check and not ruin the evening. Cas must have felt him struggling as he reached out and patted Dean on the arm in reassurance. Dean smiled tightly at him as they got out of the car.

 

Cas saw how tense Dean was, hoping he would be able to relax once they got inside. Lawrence wasn't a stranger to traffic hassles. But Lawrence was a far cry from Los Angeles. Then he started wondering if he would be able to navigate through the streets, already feeling nervous at the idea. Mentally shaking off his thoughts, he smiled at Dean as they made their way inside. The restaurant was tastefully decorated in reds and golds. Dean went to hostess desk as Cas sat down on one of the benches by the door, smiling politely at a woman across from him. Dean came over a few minutes later and sat next to him.

 

“They said ten minutes,” Dean informed him about the waiting time.

 

“That's not bad. Still gives us plenty of time to make the movie.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw the woman across from them watching them. His eyebrows scrunched together for a second as he wondered what her problem was but turned back to Cas.

 

“You let our moms know we made it?”

 

“I still don't understand why you don't call her,” Cas sighed softly.

 

“Because you know her, Cas. She’ll try keeping me on the phone for half an hour for what amounts to a five, ten minute phone call with hordes of questions.”

 

“That's what moms do, Dean. Mine does the same exact thing. Questions and gives unsolicited advice. When we’re parents we’ll do the same thing.”

 

He scoffed in disagreement. “ _ You _ might. I’m gonna be more like my dad… or yours.”

 

Cas beamed at him for the compliment about his father. He truly got lucky with Chuck Novak as a father, he truly did. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean noticed the woman was still watching them, almost listening intently to every single word of their conversation. 

 

“ You two are absolutely adorable,” the woman told them.

 

Dean looked at her in surprise while Cas smiled. “Thank you.”

 

“How long have you been together, if I may ask?”

 

Dean just looked at him in shock. Why couldn't he open his mouth to correct the woman? He just sat there, unable to do anything but stare at him. Cas looked just too damn happy about the misconception, making no attempt to correct the woman either.

 

“Five years,” Cas answered, his eyes bright with amusement.

 

The hostess called out a last name and the woman stood up and smiled at them one last time as she passed them. Once she was out of earshot, he turned to look at Cas with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

 

Cas’ heart sank, thinking Dean was mad. “I'm sorry,” he said quickly, turning to look at him better. “I don't know what came over me. Please don't be upset.”

 

“I.. I’m not,” he lied, not very convincingly.

 

“If we see her I'll tell her we’re not actually together,” Cas offered.

 

“Cas, it’s fine. It’s done.”

 

Cas just nodded, hearing the unspoken things Dean wasn’t saying. He wasn't gay and didn't like when people automatically assumed so every time they were together in public. Before Cas could comment, the hostess called out for Winchester.

 

Dean hated seeing the look of hurt and disappointment on Cas’ face followed by hurt. But there was no way to properly explain his thoughts without having a lengthy conversation not meant for public places. Dean also didn't want to risk their night out. So the talk would have to wait until later. As they were shown to their table, he nearly exhaled with relief when saw the woman was on the opposite side of the restaurant and nowhere near them. He would be able to relax now.

 

Cas sat at their table, thanking the hostess as she handed them both menus. A server came over a few minutes later for their drink orders. Dean, naturally, ordered a beer and Cas ordered his usual iced tea.

 

“Hey, “ Dean said, getting Cas to look up from his menu at him. “You wanna get some appetizers? They got boneless wings. Or maybe one of those blooming onions.”

 

“I don't want onion lingering on my breath,” Cas pointed out.

 

“Planning on kissing someone?” Dean teased, closing his menu.

 

“You never know who you'll meet, right?” Cas chuckled.

 

It was meant as a joke, but something hit Dean heavily in his stomach. He didn't like the idea of Cas meeting someone. At least not while he was there. Once he returned to Kansas he knew it would be inevitable before Cas met someone. How would he not? Cas was fucking gorgeous, intelligent, funny, caring, everything he was not. Oh, he knew he was fairly attractive from being told by former partners. And he supposed he was smart as a few people told him how gifted he was when it came to fixing cars. But knowing his way around engines wasn't on the same level as Cas’ intelligence. There was not one topic Cas didn't try to educate himself about, except for sports. No matter how many times he tried teaching Cas the rules of football, he still managed to confuse them with basketball. Once even asking in all seriousness when they would start dribbling. It had taken Dean a few minutes to answer so not to start laughing and have Cas being offended.

 

“What are you thinking about that has you smiling?” Cas asked, his menu still lying open on the table in front of him.

 

“Am I?” Dean didn't realize his amusement from his thoughts were now evident on his face. Cas nodded as he waited for Dean to answer. “Just thinking how boring the coming football season’s gonna be without you asking if the players are gonna start  _ dribbling _ ?” He started chuckling halfway through his answer and was laughing by the time he finished.

 

Cas tried acting insulted, even turning his head to look away from Dean. But his smile gave him away. “Once, you ass,” he said, looking back at Dean, his smile still in place. “I asked that  _ once _ .”

 

“You were so damn serious about the question,” Dean kept going, his laughter getting a bit louder but still mindful of the other diners. He sat back in his chair, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle the continuing laughs.

 

Cas tried to fight his smile from continuing but giggles started. “ I hate you,” he said, shaking his head. “I think I want a divorce.”

 

That only caused Dean to laugh harder to the point he had to hold his side and do some breathing exercises. “Aw, baby,” Dean cooed once he calmed down enough to talk. “Don't be mad. I love you.”

 

Cas quickly lifted a hand from under the table to flip him off and then dropping his hand back down. Dean snickered but kept his laughter from returning as he saw over Cas’ shoulder their server was returning, managing to calm down as she approached their table.

 

“Would anyone care for appetizers or are you both ready to order?”

 

“I think we’d like some appetizers,” Cas nodded. “He wanted the boneless chicken wings with ranch dressing. And I would like an order of the mozzarella sticks, please.”

 

“Did you want the four or the eight?”

 

“The eight. No doubt he’ll try stealing one or two,” Cas playfully glared at him.

 

“Will this be together or separate?”

 

“Together. And I'll get the check,” Dean answered, glaring back with a smile.

 

“All right. Sounds good,” she told them, leaving them to themselves.

 

“Find anything?” Dean asked a few minutes later and a few exasperated sighs from Cas.

 

“Too many. Veal Parmesan. Or the Chicken Alfredo. Or the Shrimp Scampi. Or Chicken Club. But there's also New York Prime Rib. I can't decide.”

 

“Why don't you decide on two? Take one home for tomorrow then you won't need to cook.”

 

Cas hummed in partial agreement. “Maybe.”

 

Dean knew that meant a no, scoffing softly. “You think you'll  _ want _ to cook tomorrow? I know you, man. You're gonna unpack all your boxes then call me to bitch because you don't want to cook.”

 

“I can just order something. I might not want this tomorrow.”

 

“All right. All right,” Dean surrendered. “Was just an idea.”

 

“I'm sure you're right. I'll choose two then. But… which two?”

 

Dean already knew what he was going to order but opened his menu again to help Cas. “They got cod,” he suggested. “You like cod. And you did mention seafood yesterday.”

 

“There is that. What about for tomorrow?”

 

“Tomorrow? Tomorrow you could have the… Chicken Alfredo. That heats up nicely.”

 

“I accept your suggestions. You're good at this, Dean.”

 

“Not really. I just know what you like.”

 

“That's why you're the best,” he smiled.

 

Their appetizers arrived a few minutes later. Despite Cas complaining about Dean trying to steal his mozzarella sticks, he still split his appetizer with him and took half of Dean’s chicken wings. The waitress took their dinner orders quickly before leaving them to eat.


	10. Chapter 10

By the time they left the restaurant, they both had their bellies full. Cas was doubting either had room for popcorn at the movie theater. But no doubt Dean will still try. Getting in the car, Cas set his takeout order on the floor by his feet and took out his phone to look up directions to the movie theater.

 

The theater turned out to be smaller than they expected and actually housed only four screens as well as a concession stand. Just as he thought, Dean still wanted a bucket of popcorn. Cas held up his end of the bargain and paid for Dean’s snacks and their drinks. Dean led the way to the correct theater, holding the door open for Cas since he was carrying both their drinks. There were plenty of seats available, only half of which were occupied. Dean always had a certain seating preference which Cas found both confusing and adorable.

 

They found their seats--the middle row and the middle seats-- and got comfortable. Dean set the popcorn on his lap but tilted it towards Cas in silent offering. Cas set their drinks in the holders on the edges of the armrest. Cas watched as people moved about the theater as they found their seats or went back out, presumably to the bathroom or to the concession stand again. Cas glanced at Dean with an amused smile as Dean contently ate his popcorn, even reaching over and taking a handful for himself as Dean smiled at him.

 

Soon the lights were dimmed as the previews started. Dean consciously changed how he chewed, not wanting to disturb the people around them. He glanced at Cas who watched the previews with narrowed eyes. If he noticed he was being stared at, Cas didn't let on. Dean looked back at the screen just as Cas turned his head to look at him. His attention returning to the screen once the music started and the lights were turned completely off. He recognized a few of the actors’ names as the opening credits started. Not from his own movie tastes but from being exposed to different movies because of Dean. As the movie played, Cas noted with curiosity that Dean’s right leg kept edging closer, glancing between Dean’s moving leg and the screen. After a few minutes, he felt Dean’s knee gently pressing against his outer thigh. Curious about Dean’s reaction, Cas moved his left leg closer to Dean so there was more pressure to their touching legs. Unanswered questions flooded Cas’ mind about the meaning behind them touching. Neither one making an effort towards anything further. He was content sitting in the darkened theater with his knee pressed firmly against Dean’s leg. He eventually started feeling sleepy, blinking quickly in hopes of clearing the blurriness of sleepiness away from his eyes.

 

He was already loving this movie, mentally planning to buy the DVD once it came out. Suddenly he felt pressure on his shoulder, surprised when he saw Cas’ head on him. Was he actually sleeping? He felt more than heard Cas’ steady breathing. He smiled as he kept watching the movie.

 

“Hmm?” was Cas’ only response a couple hours later when Dean tried rousing him awake.

 

“C’mon, Cas,” Dean said gently, still nudging him to get him awake. “Hey, wake up. Cas? C’mon, dude. The movie’s over, Sleeping Beauty.”

 

Cas slowly opened his eyes and sat up quickly as he realized he was laying on Dean. “I am so sorry, Dean.” He genuinely looked horrified at his action.

 

“What? No, c’mon. It’s fine. We’re good. You awake enough to get out of here?”

 

“I believe so, yes.”

 

Dean stood up first, waiting for him to stand up as well. Once he was sure Cas was steady, he led the way out, tossing the empty popcorn bag and their drinks out in the trash can by the exit doors.

 

“So what’d you think of it?” Dean teased as they got out on the sidewalk.

 

Cas nudged him as they walked back to the car. “Why did you let me sleep?” He wanted to add, ‘on you’, but didn’t.

 

“Obviously you were tired. We didn't have to come out tonight if you were that tired, Cas.”

 

“I didn't know I was. I just felt comfortable. And the next thing I knew you were waking me up.”

 

“Yeah, well, considering the last four days, man? I say you earned it.”

 

“You, too, then.”

 

Dean shrugged. “As long as I get my four hours, I'm good.”

 

They reached the car as Cas walked around the passenger side and waited until Dean unlocked the doors then got in. The car smelled like sauce and pasta from Cas’ carry out. “This should be okay to eat tomorrow, shouldn't it?” Cas asked, holding his food on his lap.

 

“Oh, yeah. It’ll be fine. I've had food sitting out at work and it was still good a couple hours later.”

 

“You have the stomach of a steel horse, Dean.”

 

“Aww, thank you, baby,” he teased. “You say the sweetest things.”

 

Cas laughed only to stop and groan softly.

 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Dean asked, sounding concerned.

 

He groaned again, pushing his knees together. “Can we just go home? Please?”

 

“We’re going. You want to tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“I have to… pee,” Cas answered, the last word coming out as a stage whisper as if he would be overheard.

 

Dean burst out laughing much to Cas’ chagrin. “Are you serious?” He asked in between laughing. “So I probably shouldn't…” he left hanging as he reached out and poked Cas’ side.

 

“No! Nononono!” Cas protested, moving away from Dean. “Don't you  _ dare _ start tickling me, Winchester!” He used his best warning tone.

 

“Ooh, Winchester, huh?” Dean chuckled but didn't try tickling him again.

 

Thankfully the ride home felt quicker. Cas practically jumped out of the car before Dean came to a full stop in the apartment parking lot, causing Dean to cry out in an attempt to stop him. Watching him in the rearview mirror, Dean laughed as he saw Cas speed walking away. Grabbing the forgotten carry out box, Dean locked up, realizing he had Cas’ door key on the key ring in his hand. He jogged his way to the apartment to save Cas from embarrassment.

 

He just reached the bottom of the balcony steps when Cas called out to him pleading with him to hurry up. He wasn't that much of an asshole to make the poor guy wait any longer. At least not to Cas. Maybe he’d make Sammy wait if it was him instead.

 

Once the door was unlocked, Cas practically ran down the hall to the bathroom. Dean chuckled as he locked the front door and went to the kitchen to put the carry out in the fridge.

 

It was a few long minutes before Cas came back. In the meantime, Dean sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. When Cas appeared, Dean noticed he was wearing sleep pants and a tee shirt.

 

“Accident?” Dean asked innocently.

 

“Of course not. I just changed into pajamas. I laid a set for you in the guest room.”

 

He then disappeared again down the hallway. Dean first believed he went to bed until he heard the dryer running. Right, their clothes. He nearly forgot Cas started a load before they left.

 

“I put your food in the fridge,” he told Cas once he returned and sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

 

“Thank you,” he smiled. “And thank you for everything these last few days, Dean. I mean it. I don't know if I could have done it without you.”

 

“Oh, stop. You’d do the same for me.”

 

“I would,” he agreed. “And that's why I want you to have this.” He leaned on the arm of the couch in order to take a wad of cash out of his pocket and held it out towards Dean.

 

Dean looked at it in confusion until realization hit him. “No. Absolutely not,” he said firmly. “My mom gave  _ you _ that money, Cas. I'm not taking it.”

 

“Please, Dean? I equally split what was left. There's still plenty. If you don't think six hundred is enough, I'll give you more.”

 

“Six… six  _ hundred _ ? You're giving me six hundred dollars? Are you crazy?” Dean asked him with disbelief.

 

Cas scooted closer towards him, taking Dean’s hand and shoving the money in his palm before closing his fingers over it. “Please?” He asked softly.

 

“You're a pain in the ass, you know that?” Dean said, sliding down a bit so he could tuck the money in his front pocket, sitting back up.

 

“I learn from the best,” Cas smiled, knowing Dean wasn't upset.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Smartass,” Dean said with a roll of his eyes.

 

Cas turned on the cushion so he was facing the TV but made no effort to move away from Dean. “What are we watching?”

 

“ _ Gran Torino _ . Started about half an hour ago.”

 

“That's one of Clint Eastwood’s movies, right?”

 

“Yeah, Cas. I've watched this one a thousand times. Don't you remember?”

 

“I'm generally writing or reading. So forgive me if I don't know about it.”

 

“You're not doing either now,” Dean pointed out.

 

“Of course not. I don't want our last night together spent with me working.”

 

“So we’re spending it watching TV?” He asked with a scoff.

 

“Just like old times, correct?”

 

“Yeah, I guess. We need to get out more.”

 

Cas chuckled as he watched the movie again. This was nice. Just a regular night they spent so many times over the years. Tomorrow night he would be sitting here alone. The thought made his stomach clenched tightly.

 

He was barely paying attention to the movie but kept his gaze forward. Why was he suddenly feeling shy? His hand rested casually on the cushion next to him, despite Cas was sitting just a few inches away. The air felt too hot and too cold all at once as he swallowed nervously. His hand kept inching closer towards Cas, making his fingertips itch just before he touched Cas” pajama pants. What was he hoping for? He had no idea.

 

Cas felt his breath quickening as Dean’s fingers touched his leg. Knuckles gently stroked his thigh, Cas pursed his lips to keep from gasping. He closed his eyes briefly as he revelled Dean’s touch. If he thought he could simply ignore Dean’s touches, he was mistaken. Dean’s hand stroked the top of his thigh. Cas heard what sounded as small whimpers but wasn't sure if they came from him or Dean.

 

It was too much and not enough. He wanted it to stop and for it to continue. He turned his head to look at Dean but found he was already watching Cas. Without saying a word, Dean inched closer to him on the cushion so their legs were now touching. Cas’ heart beating faster in his chest, praying this wasn't a dream.

 

He prayed Cas wouldn't stop him. But he heard Cas’ soft whimpering as he was touched. And didn't that just send jolts of desire through him? The hand on Cas’ leg started moving in circles towards the button fly of Cas’ sleep pants, his fingers brushing along Cas’ half hard cock. Cas moaned softly, tipping his head back against the couch. Dean needed to taste his skin, moving closer one last time so he could easily start kissing on Cas’ neck. Cas scrunched up his shoulders chuckles and moans mixing. Dean started stroking him outside of his pants, causing him to moan louder.

 

“Dean,” Cas said, his voice soft and pleading.

 

“I wanna be with you, Cas,” Dean whispered against his neck.

 

Cas bit his bottom lip, trying to keep from grabbing at Dean Instead, he turned to face him and started kissing him. Dean kissed him back just as desperately, pushing Cas back to lay down on the couch, never breaking contact. Cas loved the feeling of being trapped under him, moaning as Dean started rutting against him, Cas’ hands reaching around to grab Dean’s ass and pushing him down as he lifted his hips.

 

Cas turned his head, moaning. “I  _ want _ you, Dean. I don't want to come like this,” he pleaded.

 

“Let’s move this to the bedroom,” Dean told him, his voice heavy with arousal.

 

Dean reluctantly got up as Cas quickly stood up. They looked at each other for a few seconds before their mouths crashed into each other. Stumbling towards the bedroom, they bumped into the walls and then finally the bedroom door. Cas pulled away as he pushed down his pants and stepped out of them. Dean’s eyes grew wide with lust as he watched him go to his bag and retrieve the bottle of lube, undoing his own pants and removing them then getting on the bed.

 

“How do you want to do this?” Dean asked, unconsciously licking his lips.

 

“I,” Cas said, cupping Dean’s face with both hands and bent down to kiss him. “Want you,” another kiss. “In me,” and a long lingering kiss.

 

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him down on the bed on top of him, both laughing. Cas leaned in and started kissing him again. Instead of it being frantic, it was slow and sensual which left no question about the intention behind it. The mood between the living room and the bedroom drastically shifted. Now it was about relishing the moment. Taking time in exploring each other on their last night together. Both of Dean’s hands roamed over Cas’ body, stroking his naked ass and squeezing.

 

Cas squeaked in surprise before moaning softly, his own hands pulling up Dean’s tee shirt to reveal the hardened muscle softened by smooth skin underneath. Sitting up and straddling Dean, Cas continued pulling up his tee shirt as he helped Dean out of it and dropping it on the floor. Goddamn, he was absolutely breathtaking. His fingertips ran along his stomach and up both sides, smiling when Dean lurched at each tickle. Dean grabbed at the hem of Cas’ shirt and tugged it up where Cas finished taking it off.

 

It was now Dean’s turn for his gaze to sweep over Cas’ toned body. His eyes watching as Cas wrapped his fingers around Dean’s hard cock, slowly moving upwards until the head slipped into Cas’ fist. Dean pressed his head back into the pillow, his eyes closing as he grunted deeply and his hips moved upwards. “Oh, goddamn,” he gasped. He slowly kept fucking himself into Cas’ fist, soft moans escaping. Cas whispered soft words of encouragement as he stroked Dean.

Without warning, Dean suddenly grabbed Cas and rolled them so Cas was on his back with Dean on top of him. Dean smirked as Cas bit his bottom lip in anticipation as he watched Dean moving down his body, kissing at his skin as he went. Cas’ legs spread wider to accommodate Dean’s body. He quickly grabbed a pillow next to his head and folded it in half before tucking it under him so his hips were slightly more elevated. Dean kissed at Cas’ hipbone lightly. Cas started giggling and squirming a little as Dean smiled at him.

 

“I love how ticklish you are,” Dean chuckled.

 

“You're always tickling me,” Cas giggled again as Dean kissed the same spot.

 

“‘Cause I like making you squirm.”

 

“There are other ways to make me squirm,” he chuckled as Dean scribbled over the area with his fingers, his legs kicking lightly. “Dean!” He nearly squealed.

 

With a soft laugh, Dean stopped tickling and took Cas’ erection into his mouth. Cas’ chuckles instantly turned to moans. “Oh!” His hands quickly grabbed at Dean’s hair.

 

Dean watched as he moved from the base of Cas’ cock to the tip and then back down again. Cas moaned a breathy, ‘oh’, after each full suck. With one hand, Dean grabbed the bottle of lube next to Cas’ side and squirted enough on his fingers to coat them. Dropping the lube next to him, Dean smeared his fingers around Cas’ hole, causing Cas to gasp. Dean kept rubbing in a circular motion around the entrance as he kept sucking him.

 

Oh, god.  _ Oh, god! _

 

Cas was losing his mind. Not sure which sensation was driving him crazy the most. Dean’s finger which was now slowly slipping inside him or Dean’s mouth and tongue working together as he was sucking him. Cas cried out as Dean started fingering him, fisting his hair tightly. His hips started moving on their accord, making him moan deeply as his movements caused him to fuck down both on Dean’s finger and Dean’s mouth.

 

Dean couldn't stop staring, loving the sounds he coaxed out of Cas so easily. The addition of a second finger produced loud moans and gasps mixed with Cas crying out. He pulled tighter on Dean’s hair the higher his cries got. Dean suddenly stopped everything. Stopped sucking. Stopped fingering him. Just stopped. Cas exhaled with a soft ‘whoosh’, his hips dropping back on the pillow.

 

“Can't have you coming too soon, can we?” Dean teased.

 

Cas whimpered, deciding he hated being edged. “Please don't tease me, Dean. I need you.”

 

“You need me?” He started sliding his fingers in and out of him again. “Like this?”

 

Cas’ eyes closed, as he moaned again. “Yes,” he answered, drawing it out. His hips started moving again. It felt so good but wasn't enough. Not damn near enough. He wanted-- _ needed _ \-- to feel Dean inside him. Feel that burning and stretching. “Please, Dean. I want to feel you inside me,” he pleaded, biting his bottom lip again.

 

Instead, Dean took him back in his mouth and started sucking on his cock again. Cas arched his back as he cried out as waves of pleasure thundered over him again. Rather than grabbing Dean’s hair, Cas grabbed the comforter under him in fistfuls.

 

“ _ Please! OH! OH! DEAN! I DON'T…!”  _ He tried telling Dean he didn't want to come yet but the words were lost among his cries. Thankfully, Dean stopped just before he was about to come. Panting softly, Cas watched as Dean pulled his fingers out of him and grabbed the lube and slicked up his cock.

 

“This time?” Dean whispered huskily, getting into position between Cas’ legs. “This time I'm not gonna stop.”

 

Cas whimper softly at the implied ‘threat’ of continuous pleasure. “I don't want you to stop.”

 

He smiled as Dean pushed his knees down to his chest, opening him up. As Dean gently pushed inside him, Cas softly hissed as he felt himself stretch. Dean stopped to give him time to adjust but Cas quickly nodded for him to continue. After a few minutes, Dean was fully inside him.

 

“You still with me?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Cas practically purred. “Just move.”

 

Dean moved against him slowly, watching for any signs of discomfort. Cas’ face relaxed as his eyes closed and his lips separated slightly. Cas looked absolutely gorgeous. Cas opened his eyes and locked gazes with him as Dean started moving faster. Cas’ moans came out deeper as he softly encouraged him to move harder. Dean’s head tipped back, growling at how tight Cas was as he moved harder. Pushing Cas’ legs back, he tilted them at a different angle which hit Cas’ prostate directly and had him practically screaming. He wasn't sure when Cas started stroking himself but it was the hottest thing he saw. Moans, pleas, whimpers requested Dean to go harder. Another scream was the result. As promised, Dean didn't stop, kept going as he felt his orgasm rushing to the surface. He wasn't going to last… he wasn't going to last. With a deep grunt, Dean erupted inside Cas just as he was shooting onto their stomachs and chests with one final loud cry.

 

Cas panted heavily as Dean plopped down next to him on the bed, also panting. “That… was…”

 

Dean chuckled, turning his head to look at him. “Hell… yeah,” he agreed.

 

They needed to get cleaned up before they made a complete mess. After a few minutes of neither one moving, it was Cas who got up to go the bathroom for a dampened washcloth, going back to the bedroom, he gently laid the washcloth on Dean’s stomach.

 

“I'm going to take a shower,” Cas informed him, retrieving his clothes from the floor before heading back to the bathroom.

 

Dean wiped his stomach and chest off as he sat up, wiping also his softening erection. He was going to take a shower, too, but would have to wait until Cas was done. Remembering Cas mentioned a set of pajamas he laid out for him in the guest room, Dean bent down to retrieve his clothes before getting up and heading for the room across the hall, taking the washcloth with him.

 

Cas couldn't stop smiling. A few times, he found himself interrupted from his shower by him simply standing under the spray with a smile on his face, thinking about how perfect the night went. He could almost fool himself into believing it had been an official date. How did Dean see it, he wondered. He looked towards the closed door, wondering if Dean was still in his bed. No, he  _ hoped _ Dean was still there. Maybe just wearing his tee shirt and underwear, or even the pajamas he had set out.

 

He quickly finished his shower before stepping out and drying off. He was half tempted to leave the bathroom wrapped only in a towel. But he didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable, so he got dressed. Stepping out in the hallway, he looked between both rooms, unsure in which room he might find Dean. He frowned when he found his bedroom empty, glancing over his shoulder longingly at the closed guest room door as he stepped further into his room and closed the door quietly behind him.

 

He was sprawled out on the bed, feeling confused. While he didn't regret what happened, it definitely wasn't what he was confused about. What had him all fucked up was how much confused he was about his feelings for Cas. He really,  _ really _ liked sex with him. But, he also really liked sex with women. Ever since Cas admitted he didn't believe he was straight, Dean couldn't stop thinking about it. Fine, Cas wanted confirmation? Dean was bisexual. The words did little to calm him down. He wasn't like Cas who just practically shouted from the rooftops he was gay. He couldn't--wouldn't-- do that. He already admitted his dad wouldn't approve but it was more than that. The truth was he was scared. And he was scared Cas wanted more from him then he was willing to give.

 

He sat at the foot of his bed, his back to the rumpled covers behind him. What the hell was wrong with him that he allowed a little flirting from Dean to push for something he knew Dean didn't want. Not really. Maybe Dean felt pressured to sleep with him. Cas wasn't expecting it. Nor had he planned for it. But he didn't think he misread the situation. Dean had flirted with him in the living room. He had touched him and kissed him. Cas’ stomach dropped as a thought came to mind. Maybe Dean regretted what happened. Like buyer’s remorse. What if he was trying to decide how best to let him down? Dean hadn't been the one to say they shouldn't sleep together. That was his doing. Now they obviously went against the agreement. Cas groaned softly, his hands covering his face in humiliation. He needed to apologize to Dean. To beg for his forgiveness. But he couldn't get his body to move.

 

This was fucking stupid. He was hiding from Cas like a little bitch. How many times had they    
each other fights? He could only remember maybe twice when their fights reached that level. But this? This, he didn't know how to handle. Or not very well. Was he supposed to act normal? ‘Yeah, we had sex. It was awesome but let’s just ignore it’? He wasn't that much of a douche… was he?

 

This was ridiculous. Both of them were hiding out like children. Dean practically sprinted to the guest room the second he stepped into the bathroom. Was Dean trying to understand his feelings as well? Contrary to what Dean believed, he was a very sensitive person. True, his anger was usually the first emotion he went with. But he saw how truly deep Dean’s emotions ran when it came to his family and friends, and his work. Or even him. Times when Cas nearly almost believed Dean had feelings for him just as deep as what he felt for Dean. Maybe this wasn't just sex for Dean. He might not be able to say those famous three little words out loud, but there had been  _ something _ behind them. Cas felt it.

 

He had no idea how long he had been lying on the bed. But he knew Cas had to be done in the bathroom. He was starting to feel uncomfortable as his cock was now sticky from both their fluids. Sitting up with a groan, he grabbed the clothes Cas set out for him and then opened the door the same time Cas opened his door.

 

They just stood in the doorways of their rooms and stared at each other.

 

They just stared.

 

Cas was the first one to move, clearing his throat and offering a hesitant smile. Dean smiled back, feeling just as unsure.

 

“I'm gonna… you know? Shower, ” Dean stammered.

 

“That's all right, ” Cas nodded. “I was actually going to make some tea.”

 

“Tea?” He asked stupidly.

 

“Yes, tea. I feel as if I need a cup, ” he said suddenly heading down the hallway and leaving Dean behind.

 

The truth was he needed to do something to distract him from his invading thoughts. And making a cup of tea was the perfect solution. As he got his mug ready, he heard the muffled sounds of the shower running. He quickly filled his mug with water, listening for sounds that Dean’s shower suddenly turned too hot or too cold because he turned on the faucet. But he relaxed somewhat when he didn't hear any curses, continuing to finish making his tea.

 

By the time he came out of the bathroom, he heard the TV softly playing in the living room. He dropped his dirty clothes off in the guest room before heading towards the living room.

 

On the couch sat Cas holding his mug in his hand as he watched TV, not seeing Dean standing by the breakfast bar.

 

“Hey, ” he said softly, not wanting to startle Cas.

 

Cas turned his head to look at him, giving him a small smile. “Hey.”

 

“What are you watching?”

 

“Nothing actually. Flipping through the channels, trying to find something.”

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

“Of course not. Please, ” Cas smiled, starting to scoot closer to end of the couch before stopping himself. There was plenty of other places to sit besides next to him.

 

Dean sat down on the loveseat, turning sideways with his back against the arm of it and was facing the TV, crossing his arms. Silence fell between them as Cas finally stopped on a  _ Dr. Sexy _ marathon. Dean smiled to himself at Cas’ selection. While the show was cheesy and at times downright cringe worthy with its plotlines, it was never something Cas liked watching. Often times than not, he would simply refer to the show as ‘ _ that _ show’, not bothering to hide his disdain for it. The fact he purposely turned it on for Dean truly spoke volumes to him.

 

Cas felt Dean’s gaze on him a few times as they watched TV but said nothing. He wasn't exactly positive on what to say. He chewed on his bottom lip collecting his thoughts and ended up saying the first thing which came to mind.

 

“What time were you thinking of leaving tomorrow?”

 

“I don't know. No set time, I guess. Why you wanna do something?”

 

“I thought it might be nice having breakfast here instead of yet another diner meal at home,” Cas suggested.

 

“Are you doing the cooking,? chuckled.

 

“Contrary to what you believe, Winchester, I  _ am _ capable of cooking.”

 

“Making toast doesn't count as cooking, you know?” He teased.

 

Instead of answering, Cas huffed with indignation, much to Dean’s amusement. “All right, all right,” Dean conceded. “I'm sorry. I know you can cook a little bit, okay? We’ll make breakfast together. Just like old times.”

 

“I would like that,” Cas agreed.

 

The rest of the night was spent just relaxing until they both started feeling sleepy, eventually both parting to their bedrooms.


	11. Chapter 11

It was nearly six-thirty when Cas’ eyes fluttered open, not immediately recognizing his surroundings. Lifting his head, he saw he in a spacious bedroom rather than a shared two-bed room of some hotel whose name he had forgotten. Laying his head back down, he realized he was in his own bed. The sun hadn’t yet started its ascent for the day. Sitting up, he remembered today Dean would be leaving to go back home as a pang of sadness hit his stomach. Would the morning be awkward, or would it be like previous mornings? Last night’s activities jumped to mind, causing him to smile. They done nothing more than simply watching TV after…  _ that _ occurred. And he really liked  _ that _ . Especially  _ that  _ with Dean. He had thought about asking him last night to stay but ended up chickening out. He decided he would ask before Dean left, already mentally praying for Dean’s forgiveness. Of course Dean would have a reaction to practically being ambushed. That was Dean. He hated surprises sprung on him, always wanting to know something was coming beforehand. But would he have a bad reaction to being asked to stay? Cas hoped he wouldn’t. He had a feeling today would be a turning point.

 

The aroma of cooking breakfast woke him up with a soft hum. He blinked the cobwebs away from his eyes as he sat up. Glancing over his shoulder to the alarm clock on the nightstand, he saw it was nearly seven o’clock. What time did they even go to bed last night, he tried remembering. Regardless, he was awake now with no hopes of returning to sleep. With a sigh, he got up and followed the scent of cooking eggs. His stomach was already rumbling with hunger.

 

A morning talk show was playing softly as he trudged down the hallway towards the kitchen. The sight greeting him had him stopping in his tracks. Cas clearly was cooking, whistling softly as he stood at the stove. But what stopped him was seeing Cas wearing a red colored apron. He hadn’t noticed Dean watching him with a smile from the doorway of the hallway. Turning around to grab something behind him, Cas face broke out in a wide smile in greeting to him. Dean smiled back as he sat down at the breakfast bar.

 

“What’s on the menu there, Chef Boyardee?” Dean teased.

 

“Eggs and toast. I was debating about making bacon, but I know it would be a travesty for you if you didn’t have it.”

 

“If you want to finish the toast, I can make the bacon,” Dean offered, standing up to come around to the kitchen.

 

“Don’t trust me not to burn it?” Cas chuckled.

 

“After last time? Absolutely not,” Dean answered, stepping into the kitchen.

 

Cas laughed softly, stepping away from the finished eggs and going to make them toast. “How many do you want?” He asked, grabbing the bread from on top of the fridge and looking at Dean.

 

“I’ll take… two pieces, I guess. Got any strawberry jelly?”

 

“I believe I saw some in here,” Cas answered, opening the refrigerator door.

 

“So, did you go shopping while I was sleeping?” Dean asked, dividing the eggs onto two plates and setting them on the counter between them.

 

“Nope. I told you my mom prepared the apartment beforehand,” Cas reminded him, grabbing the jelly and the package of bacon.

 

“I thought you meant furniture wise. Not actually stocking up the kitchen. But, leave it to your mom to think ahead. Hey, how many slices you want?” Dean asked, searching the drawers for the silverware and grabbing a fork to separate the bacon.

 

“Well, I probably would eat maybe three? You make however many you want.”

 

Dean just nodded as he got the pan prepared. Conversation dropped off as they each finished their tasks. Cas was the first to sit down at the breakfast bar after he finished making their toast. Dean set Cas’ plate in front of him but Cas refused to start eating until Dean was joining him. Realizing they didn’t have drinks, Cas returned to the kitchen to pour them both a glass of orange juice before sitting back down again just as Dean trailed behind him with his own plate.

  
  


“You didn’t have to wait, man,” Dean told him as he sat down next to him.

 

“It’s impolite to eat before everyone else,” Cas simply said with a slight shrug.

 

Dean smiled as he picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite. Cas started on his toast first as it generally didn’t taste as appetizing when it got cold. Both of them just quietly ate their breakfast, each lost in their thoughts.

 

“Think you’ll miss me?” Dean asked halfway through his meal.

 

“Must you really ask?”

 

“What’s the rest of your day look like?”

 

“Well, I’m going to tackle the boxes in my room and hopefully dig out my laptop. I received an email from someone named Charlie at work with a link to set up my laptop to the paper’s submission Dropbox. I may end up calling him if I have any problems and let him know I’m not computer savvy.”

 

“So, basically nothing fun?”

 

“Well, I can’t imagine it would take all day. So, I could explore something fun later on,” Cas answered.

 

“Yeah, I don’t know. I think you’re gonna sit here and binge on some shit on Netflix,”

 

“They have interesting programming on Netflix. I keep trying to get you to watch one show I think you’d like. Two brothers travel around the country hunting monsters.”

 

Dean just looked at him which clearly told Cas he had no interest whatsoever in watching the suggested show. Cas just shrugged but didn’t say anything. After a few minutes, they both finished their breakfast, Dean pushing his plate away as Cas took it as he stood up to go back to the kitchen. “It’s going to take me a week to fill up the dishwasher,” he sighed. “Maybe I’ll just hand wash them instead.” He rinsed off their plates before putting them in the dishwasher.

 

“That’s your major concern? Not being able to properly fill up your dishwasher?” He scoffed.

 

“We can’t all be like you, Dean, and eat five meals a day,” he retorted.

 

“Yeah, well, you could stand to gain some weight there, string bean.”

 

Cas rolled his eyes as Dean stood up. “I’m gonna go grab my stuff out of the dryer.”

 

He watched Dean walking down the hallway as his thoughts about asking Dean to stay returned. Could he do this? Tell Dean how he felt and then ask if he would stay in hopes of them being together? His conscious was screaming at him to go to Dean before it was too late. Slowly he made his way down the hallway, where Dean squatted down to finish stuffing his clothes into his duffle bag.

 

“Um… Dean?” Cas hated how nervous his voice sounded.

 

“Yeah?” Dean asked, not looking at him.

 

“I n-need to tell you something.”

 

“All right. What’s up?” Dean asked, standing upright and turning to look at him.

 

Cas bit his bottom lip, feeling all his resolve dissipating quickly. “I just wanted to tell you how much I treasure our friendship.”

 

“I do, too, man. You’re my best friend,” Dean smiled, eyebrows scrunched together briefly in question.

  
  


“And I was thinking that maybe you could stay. Here. With me.”

 

“… What do you mean here with you?” Dean asked slowly, already having a feeling what he was trying to say.

 

“Just as I said. You could stay here with me. I’m sure there’s an auto shop here in the city who would love to hire you. You could then stay. And we’ll be together.”

 

Dean didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just blinked at him in shock. “Together?” He repeated dumbly.

 

“Yes. I would like for us to be together. As in  _ together _ .”

 

“Together?” He asked again, unable to say anything else.

 

“Yes, Dean. Together. You. Me. Together,” Cas explained gently.

 

“But… I’m not gay,” Dean mumbled, unable to look away from him. “I’m not… I’m just not… gay, Cas.”

 

“No. I realize you’re not gay. But you’re at least bisexual. You can admit that much, right?”

 

“I...”

 

“I know you said you needed time. And please don’t think this is me pushing you. Because I’m not, Dean. I’m truly not. But we had sex and I really enjoyed it with you. That’s why I think we would be so good together. I would like to explore this with you. To see just how good we can be together.”

 

“I...”

 

“Please say something else, Dean,” Cas frowned.

 

“I gotta go,” he said instead, brushing past him as he needed to get away.

 

Cas followed him as he repeated his name several times to get him to stop walking away. If he would just stop walking away. But walking away was exactly what Dean had planned as he walked out the door without a goodbye or even a second glance back at Cas, who just stood in the doorway of the hallway and watched helplessly. His body refusing to budge any further, startling as the door slammed behind Dean.

 

He had no idea how long he remained rooted in place. Five minutes? An hour? He had no idea. But he felt as if his entire world just imploded with Dean’s hasty departure. He heard someone screaming and didn’t realize it was him until his throat was tingling from exertion, his knees finally buckling as the tears started up. Dean’s name was called out as well as whispered. The soreness of his throat was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling in his chest. Was he having a heart attack? Was this what it felt like? He didn’t know much less care. It took an hour for him to cry himself out. The pain in his chest lessening slightly but it still felt impossible to breathe. On shaky legs, he managed to stand up and went to the couch. For a few minutes, he told himself to breathe. To simply breathe. The tightness was still there but he was able to catch his breath finally. His gaze fell onto the white telephone on the end table. He needed to hear a soothing voice. He picked up the phone and dialed the number, praying it wasn’t too early. Finally on the fourth ring it was picked up.

 

“Gabe,” he said simply before breaking down again.

  
  


What the  _ fuck _ was he thinking? What was he thinking? Those were the questions running on a constant loop in Dean’s head as he followed the GPS’ voice to the nearest U-Haul office. It was arranged when they rented the van that Dean would exchange it for a larger truck to drive back home. He just needed to get the fuck out of Dodge and not look back. Thankfully, it didn’t take long at the U-Haul office and soon he was on his way back home. Without Cas traveling with him, he could drive for longer periods of time. He would make Kansas in good time. Then he could just forget this day ever happened. As far as he was concerned, he did his best friend duty. He moved Cas cross-country to his new home. It was good. They needed time apart. To get their heads straightened out properly. Or at least for  _ Cas _ to get his head straightened out. There was absolutely no way he was thinking properly. Maybe after a week he would try contacting Cas. See if they’re both thinking clearly. What the hell was he thinking?

  
  


Talking to Gabe helped calm him down. Even managed to get a half hearted chuckle out once or twice. Gabe always made a fantastic listener and this time had been no different. For all his moments of complete and utter shenanigans, Gabe had moments when he could be serious. He reserved all comments until the end. Until Cas sighed with exhaustion after talking for nearly non-stop for an hour. He admitted everything. All the looks and touches and especially all the sex between them over the last four days. Gabe didn’t sound surprised when he told him about suspecting Dean’s sexual orientation. Apparently it wasn’t just Cas who saw something in Dean’s behavior towards him. Gabe saw it, too. But that still didn’t help in bringing Dean back. Cas was right about their relationship having a turning point. Only now he feared for their friendship. He prayed Dean was driving safely and wouldn’t get into an accident on the way home. With a shaky breath, he stood up and went to his bedroom to do as he told Dean and start the job of unpacking. He closed the guest bedroom door, refusing to look inside as he did. It would be too painful to see where Dean had laid just mere hours ago.

  
  


He wasn’t sure where he was when he stopped for the night, managing to find another hotel besides the one he stayed at with Cas, which had been his plan. He would have also avoided the same take out places but he couldn’t remember what he ate where. He just decided to hit McDonald’s for dinner. The drive back wasn’t too bad. He already made headway as he drove for nearly eight hours before deciding to stop for the night. And he was proud of himself. He only thought about calling Cas about five times. But in the end he didn’t because he wasn’t sure what he supposed to say. ‘Sorry, dude. I’m straight’? Yeah, right. Straight guys don’t have gay sex. Wasn’t that what Cas had told him? It didn’t matter. He wasn’t going to be looking at any guys in that manner anyways. He didn’t have to react each time he saw a handsome guy. And there was nothing wrong with looking at other guys, was there? He could say a guy was attractive without it turning into a thing. And maybe he had told Cas he thought he might be bisexual. That didn’t mean he couldn’t just ignore it. Just ignore the problem and it’ll go away. Cas may have been happy identifying as gay. But there was no way  _ he _ was going to identify as bisexual. Not to anyone.

 

Cas woke up with a crick in his neck, cursing as he tried rubbing at the sore spot. When had he fallen asleep? His clothes were spilling out of the boxes around him. But he did manage to find his laptop, which now laid on the bed. Standing up slowly, he groaned as he moved. He was too old to be sleeping on the floor. Looking outside, he was surprised to see it was nighttime. Glancing at his watch, he saw it was nearly midnight. His stomach grumbled as a reminder he had slept through both lunch and supper. Patting his stomach, he made his way down the hallway. Thankfully, the kitchen light was still on to help guide him, squinting in the brightness of it as he stepped into the kitchen. He wondered if Dean was asleep, hoping he wasn’t pushing himself to put distance between them as fast as he could. He wondered if he called Dean if he would pick up or simply reject his phones. But decided not to test his theory. Not having much of an appetite, Cas found a can of soup in the cupboard and decided on that for dinner. While he warmed it up, he saw his phone laying on the counter still hooked to the charger. He had a couple missed calls from his mother as well as texts asking if he arrived safely, as well as a few from Mary. Did Dean tell her what happened between? How he ruined a thirteen year friendship because he wanted to be with Dean? Or did Dean decide not to say anything? To avoid possible questions about his sexuality that he wasn’t ready to answer. Either way, Dean didn’t reach out to him. No missed calls and no missed texts. It was almost enough to start his tears anew but managed to hold them back.

  
  


He was on the road again just before eight. He spent most of the night tossing and turning before giving up completely. Unfortunately, small towns meant there would be no twenty-four hour diners. So, he texted his mom to let her know he was on his return journey home. And he also debated about sending Cas a text. Neither one had reached out to the other since he left L.A. He hated to admit it but he was actually regretting how they parted. Maybe he should have stayed and explained why they couldn’t be together. Did Cas really want to shackle himself to someone like him? Cas had such bright prospects while he was nothing more than a mechanic. Why would Cas even entertain the idea of them being together? Best friends is one thing. But as lovers? Partners? That was something completely different. Maybe it had been a good idea he left. What more was there to say? Cas would have tried to give some pumped up reason why he should stay. He always hated when Dean’s self-flagellation. But was it really a beating himself down when it was the truth? He wasn’t anything special, nothing worthy of having Cas’ attention. No, leaving had been the right choice. Deciding against contacting Cas. He just had to stick with the plan and contact him after a couple weeks. Once Cas started living his new life, he would see how right him leaving was.


	12. Chapter 12

The next couple of days did little to raise Cas’ spirits as he still hadn’t heard from Dean. Surely he made it home safely. He hoped Dean would have texted him to let him know he made it to Kansas. But not even a hint of a word came. He was half tempted a few times to call and ask his mother if she saw Dean outside his parents’ house. But that would inevitably bring questions to which he had no answers. He managed to distract himself by actually finding himself a morning jog routine. Just around the block until he familiarized himself of his neighborhood to go longer and further stretches. But it felt good to be able to go running again. A few days respite and the constant barrage of unhealthy foods for four days straight was enough to make him work extra hard. But mostly he ran in an attempt to distract himself from the morose feeling which was growing daily from the lack of contact with Dean. It had been two days and he missed him immensely. Gabe’s advice to give Dean some time sounded acceptable. But now it just left lingering fears Dean wouldn’t contact him at all. He wasn’t even sure if they were still best friends. And that was a feeling which he didn’t particularly like.

 

It was good to be home. He ended up calling his parents to meet with him so he could get his car, which had been at their house while he was away. Something on his face must have told them he wasn’t much in the mood to answer any questions, which he was grateful for. It wouldn’t stop his mom from asking them, of course. But it did deter her for at least the time being. He decided to just stay at his parents’ house until he officially left. His dad would follow him the three hours it took to Lebanon and would then drive the truck back to Lawrence. Naturally, his mom was thrilled to have him stay with them, regardless of the reason for it. Now he was lying down on his old bed in the bedroom he shared with Sammy while growing up. Various posters of Led Zeppelin hung on his side of the room, while Sam’s still held posters of Einstein, and some other nerdy shit. Studying them, he realized he missed talking to him, deciding to call him up once he got to Lebanon. Weekly phone calls did little to replace seeing someone nearly every day. His thoughts returned to Cas, wondering if that was fated for them now. Going from seeing each other every day to weekly phone calls. How long before those simply stopped over time? Each of them becoming too busy in their lives to maintain the illusion their friendship was just as strong. Feeling his eyes burning, Dean rolled onto his side and eventually fell asleep.

 

As the weekend ended, his mood still hadn’t improved. There still had been no word from Dean since his abrupt departure. He couldn’t even remember the last time they went this long without one of them caving and reaching to the other. Not that he hadn’t played with the idea of reaching out to Dean numerous times. But the fear that his calls and texts may go unanswered stopped any attempts. He even thought about calling his mother to try to find out if Dean had been seen as his parents’ house. But that would only instigate unwanted questions to which he wasn’t sure if he wanted to answer. No, it was best to wait for Dean to reach out to him despite the continuing heaviness in his chest. He busied himself with straightening the apartment up, despite no one visiting him. Grocery shopping only consisted of a few items since his kitchen was still fairly stocked up. Laundry was saved for Sunday just for something to do. Basically, he had an uneventful weekend. His only company were his thoughts about Dean.

Monday morning marked his first day at the paper. He was proud of himself for only getting lost once during his commute from a local coffee shop he found on the way to work. The building which housed the paper was somewhat intimidating in both height and width. Crowds of people were scrambling to enter through any of the four glass doors. He nearly spilled his coffee as he had been bumped into and nearly trampled on by inconsiderate idiots on their rush towards the elevators in the lobby. He saw the sign marked stairs off to the left but the thought of climbing ten flights of stairs made him crinkle his nose in frustration.

Once the first elevator doors opened, he quickly stepped inside and was instantly pushed towards the back of the car, the silver hand rail digging into his lower back. He kept his gaze down to the floor so not to appear as being rude for staring. Dean had informed him over the years he had a tendency to just stare at people and how creepy it was. He wasn’t trying to being creepy. But sometime certain people intrigued him. Dean being one of them, of course. He mentally cringed at how easily Dean cropped up in his thoughts but the soft ding of the elevator door opening to his floor stopped any further thoughts about Dean. He hadn’t even realized the elevator thinned out as he stepped out and was now standing in the middle of a long hallway with a receptionist desk to the left. As he approached, he was greeted by a smiling blonde woman who once Cas introduced himself directed him to the Editor-In-Chief’s office. It only takes an hour for Cas to realize he doesn’t much care for the man. Marv turns out to be in his late fifties with a head full of unruly curly salt and pepper hair. His smile is very sinister looking it nearly makes Cas cringe outwardly just to see it. And it appears Marv loves the sound of his own voice and is under the assumption his words are captivating, going into a twenty minute spiel on the highlights of his rise to Editor. Cas tried his best to feign interest while literally holding back a yawn. By the time he was shown to his desk, he couldn’t wait to escape Marv’s presence. The newsroom was bustling with people rushing around in and out. There were about thirty desks scattered throughout, some were occupied and others were completely empty. The desk Marv was leading him towards was situated in the back just outside of glass enclosed offices on either side. One of whom belonged to a Brady Reynolds, according to the golden nameplate just outside of the door. A large picture window was to the left of Brady’s desk and afforded Cas an unobstructed view of the sky from his chair. But at least it was something. Another desk was directly across from his but was currently empty. The owner was female if some of the knickknacks on the desk were any indication. Thanking Marv, Cas slipped off his messenger bag and unpacked his laptop. Thankfully, Marv took that as the dismissal it was, patting Cas on the shoulder before leaving him alone. He almost felt the need of a shower.

“Don’t worry,” a female voice said behind him. “No one likes him.”

Cas spun his chair around to see an attractive redheaded woman smiling friendly at him. She walked past him and sat down at the desk bumped up against his. Female, just as he thought.

“Is he always so…?” Cas asked, glancing in the direction Marv disappeared in case the editor reappeared.

“Creepy?” The woman supplied with a smirk.

Creepy. That was one way of describing him.“Yes. That’s as good of a word as any.”

“He may be good at his job, but he has a trumped up idea of his importance.”

“Grandiose?”

“To the extreme. As if his mere presence should be hailed as the second coming,” she rolled her eyes. “Abadonn Bradbury. But you can call me Abbie.”

“Castiel Novak. But I prefer Cas,” he introduced himself.

“What segment are you writing?” She asked, leaning back against her chair.

“Human Interest. Sort of a look at the city through my eyes,” he explained.

“Where you from?”

He knew she was asking what paper did he come from rather than actually asking where he hailed from. He had made that mistake once when he first started at the paper back home. “ _ Lawrence Journal-World _ ,” he answered.

“Lawrence…?”

“Kansas,” he finished for her.

“Hmm, Kansas. Our very own Clark Kent,” she teased with a smile.

“I wouldn’t go that far. Clark was more of an investigative reporter,” he shook his head. Dean would be proud he at least knew that much about Superman just from watching the movies.

“So what brings you to our humble abode, Kansas?” Abbie’s voice breaking through his thoughts.

“My editor thought I was wasting my talents by staying in a small town. So, he submitted a couple articles to some of the bigger papers.  _ The Times _ nibbled first.” It was a simplified version but was enough of a gist.

“Los Angeles through the eyes of a Kansas boy…,” she puckered her lips in thought. “I like it. Well, you’re in luck. There’s a kinds of things going on during the summer. So, no doubt you’ll have plenty to write about.”

“Do you write the same articles?” He asked, already starting to like her.

“I’m a food columnist. You ever read the recipe section in the paper and readers want to know how to substitute something or make it low sugar? I’m your girl. Do you cook, Cas?”

The question was an innocent one but nearly made him laugh. Cooking and Cas should not be put in the same sentence. Ever. “Not very well, I’m afraid,” he admitted. “My friend, Dean, is a genius in a kitchen. But I am able to make basic dishes. Spaghetti, eggs, toast, oatmeal.”

“Wow,” she laughed. “That truly is basic. Best let Dean do the cooking. Otherwise you guys may starve.”

He hadn’t realized he mentioned Dean until he heard her say his name. When would Dean stop dominating his thoughts? “Oh… uh, Dean didn’t move here with me. He stayed back in Kansas.” His tone sounded so defeated.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” she said genuinely. “Breakups are always hard.”

He opened his mouth to correct her but stopped himself. That was exactly what was happening, wasn’t it? Dean and him ‘broke up’. True they weren’t a couple, but breakups sometimes happened between best friends. The realization only hit him harder.

“It’s…,” he started saying.

“Say no more,” she cut in. “No more mentioning of exes.”

“Which ex are we not mentioning?” A female’s voice asked from behind Cas.

A younger redhead wearing a flannel over a tee shirt and blue jeans with her hair in a messy ponytail looked at them in interest. She reminded him of Dean just from her clothes.

“We most certainly are not mentioning Cas’ ex,” Abbie explained. “Meet my kid sister, Charlie. Charlie, this is our newest guy, Cas.”

“Nice to meet you, Cas,” Charlie smiled brightly as if she truly was excited about meeting him.

“Thank you. I mean, you too, Charlie,” he smiled politely.

“Charlie here is Girl Genius with all things tech. She’s our IT girl.”

“And part time hacker,” Charlie added proudly.

“You’re a hacker? What do you hack?” Cas asked. He didn’t think he had ever met a hacker, much less one who admitted to being one.

“Nothing nefarious, I promise. Well, not entirely. I just want to know things. I have problems with authority,” she grinned.

“You’ll be interested to know that Cas here hails from the state of Kansas,’ Abbie informed Charlie.

“Kansas? Really?” Charlie asked, her eyes twinkling. “Just like Superman.”

“That’s what your sister said. What is so appealing about being from the same state as some superhero?”

“Dude!” Charlie sounded nearly insulted. “It’s  _ Superman _ .” As if that explained everything.

“Charlie is nerd extraordinaire,” Abbie stage whispered to Cas. “You should see her collection of superhero collectibles. I keep telling her she should sell them on Ebay, but she ignores me.”

“I don’t ignore you,” Charlie protested. “I’m just not the sucker some of those cheapskates think I am. Being a girl apparently means I have no idea how much a collectible is worth. Hello? Research,” she rolled her eyes.

“Dean--,” He started saying, cutting himself off completely.

“Ah, ah,” Abbie singsonged, wagging her finger at him slightly. “What’s the rule about talking about exes?”

“We’ll just call him He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,” Charlie offered.

“Is that a  _ Harry Potter _ reference?” Cas asked, recognizing the name.

Charlie’s face lit up. “We’re now best friends.”

Cas smiled, happy to make at least one friend. Two, if Abbie counted. “I believe I would like that.”

“So, who’s Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named?”

“Charlie,” Abbie hissed softly, indicating she shouldn’t ask.

“You’re right, you’re right. He’s an ex for a reason,” Charlie sighed. “I’m sorry, dude. That was definitely a douche move.”

He frowned at her continual use of the word ‘dude’, choosing to ignore the stabbing in his stomach from someone else who apparently used the word. He just hoped his face stayed neutral. “It’s fine. It’s just going to take some time. Time heals old wounds, right?”

“That and a shitload of ice cream,” Abbie scoffed.

“Ice cream,” he repeated. Did that really work? He remembered Amara sitting in her room crying over one boy or another while eating a bowl of ice cream. Perhaps there was something to that idea. “Any particular flavor?” He asked.

“Only one choice; Rocky Road,” Charlie answered in a tone that obviously meant ‘duh’.

“Word of experience?”

“Oh, yeah. My last ex? She was a piece of work. Totally stole from me,” Charlie told him, her tone sounding scandalous.

Cas pursed his lips in sympathy for the ex’s behavior and was about to say as much when Charlie came around to his side of the desk. “All right. I suppose I should actually look as if I’m doing something before  _ Marv _ starts lurking around the corners. Have you met Sir Creep-a-lot?”

“He escorted Cas himself to his desk,” Abbie answered with a slight chuckle.

“Ugh,” Charlie sighed. “He’s so creepy. Let me guess? He gave you the speech of how he’s keeping the paper together single handedly?”

“I don’t know if it’s single handedly. But he did tell me the story of his rise to Editor,” Cas said, looking between them both.

“Please. His uncle got him the job. Marv likes to boast about his ‘accomplishments’.”

“Has he accomplished anything?”

“Grocery lists,” Abbie said sarcastically with a smirk.

“And that’s being generous,” Charlie added.

He couldn’t imagine Marv even being able to construct something as complex as a grocery list much less any news worthy columns. Not that Cas was tooting his own horn about his writing abilities but Marv definitely did not seem to be type who had the talent to write a coherent article without tossing himself somewhere along the way. The subject appeared to be dropped as Charlie suddenly inquired about whether he followed the link she had sent him a couple days earlier so he could submit his own articles. He affirmed he had done so and was ready to go. She smiled, promising to meet him later for lunch before disappearing.

Once she left, things became quiet. Well, as quiet as things could get while sitting in the middle of a busy newspaper office building. It was hard to believe he was there. So much had happened over the past few weeks. Yes, he was struggling with everything which occurred with Dean. But he was now in the ‘big times’ as Gabe had told him a handful of times. It was still a bit frightening to be so far from home all alone. Maybe he should get a cat. They couldn’t get one at home because Dean was allergic. But now if he wanted a cat he could get a cat. It was something to think about. Blinking several times to bring himself out of his thoughts, he turned his attention to his laptop and looked up upcoming functions in the city for at least the summer. Just something to hopefully see if anything caught his eye.

He missed this year’s Gay Pride by a couple weeks. It may have been a little cliché to have written about that. But he had never been to one. Kansas City was the closest there had been to him. But he couldn’t have asked Dean to go with him. And there was no one else to really ask to accompany him. Continuing his search, he stopped when he saw about the Fourth of July celebrations set for a couple of weeks. The celebration might be interesting for the readers from his point of view. He started making notes, things he wanted to see in the celebration as compared to the ones back home he went to. Before he knew it, Charlie returned to take him to lunch. He fell a step behind her, allowing himself to be led towards the elevators and then out of the building.

“Where are we going?” Cas asked, once they were outside. It was obvious they were walking when they bypassed the parking lot.

“There’s a place just around the corner that has the most awesome burgers. Do you like burgers?”

He certainly used to. He remembered Dean practically buying twenty burgers from  _ McDonald’s _ since they had the one dollar menu. Despite feeling nauseous afterwards from eating ten burgers, he still managed to feel happy. “I do… did,” he answered.

Charlie looked at him for a few seconds. “Favorite food of the ex?” She asked with a sad smile.

“He’s not really my ex,” he explained. “We were best friends and I idiotically fell for him. He isn’t sure about…,” he stopped, not wanting to divulge any of Dean’s secrets. Especially not the ones that Cas made him look stupid for falling for a man who wasn’t sure about his sexuality.

“I think we’ve all been there,” Charlie sighed sadly. “Falling for your straight best friend is like a passage of life. So no burgers. They have other great stuff to eat. We’ll find something.”

He liked Charlie. It was nice to know someone understood the pain that came from falling for someone straight. Though, he was still convinced Dean was bisexual but just wasn’t ready to act on his feelings. At least not publicly. He often wondered if he asked Dean about being ‘friends with benefits’, if he would have agreed or ran out just as quickly. It was too late to find out now. He had to find a way to mend his broken heart and stop waiting for Dean.

The deli was, indeed, just around the corner as she stated. It wasn’t very big. Almost one of those ‘hole in the wall’ places that too often got overlooked. A small golden bell tinkled above their heads as they opened the door. The smell of coffee was heavy in the air as Charlie led them to a couple stools at the bar. A waitress came over, greeting them both with smiles. But Cas noticed her eyes lingered on to Charlie for a few seconds before taking their drink order. He glanced around to take in the possible new lunch spot. A long ‘L’ shaped counter was to the immediate left when entering. Its faded Formica top may have once been a pale yellow but was now nearly white with some bare spots. Several tables and chairs lined the wall to the right. At the far end of the counter was a domed glass display case where he saw several different types of pies. Yet another reminder of Dean. Turning his attention back to Charlie, he saw she was whispering something to the waitress with a huge smile on her face. It almost was intimate between them and he cast his gaze away. After a few minutes, the waitress walked away and Charlie looked at Cas as if forgetting he was with her.

“I think she likes you,” he whispered. He didn’t have very good gaydar. But there was no missing the looks between them.

“I should hope so,” she whispered back, turning her head to smile brightly at the waitress, who smiled just as big in return as she got their drinks ready. “Babe, this is our new friend, Cas. Cas, this lovely lady is my girlfriend, Glinda,” she introduced when she returned.

“Nice to meet you, Cas,” Glinda smiled at him.

“You, too. Your name is  _ Glinda _ ?” He asked, making sure he heard right.

“Just like the good witch,” she chuckled, referring to  _ The Wizard of Oz _ .

“And she’s my fairy queen,” Charlie added.

Cas smiled shyly as he witnessed the mutual heated looks between the women. ‘Eye fucking’ is what Dean would have called it.

“Do you want your usual, babe?” Glinda asked.

“Um, no,” Charlie glanced at Cas. “Burgers aren’t allowed today. I’ll have the turkey club instead. Cas?”

“That sounds good. No tomato, please.”

“Absolutely,” Glinda nodded, writing their orders down. “I’ll be back.”

Charlie nodded in understanding before Glinda walked away. “So tell me about my new best friend,” she said, crossing her arms on the counter in front of her and looking at him.

He faltered, both from not expecting to be questioned and from lack of an answer. “L-Like what?” He asked, picking up his soft drink Glinda brought him and taking a sip.

“Well, obviously you know your  _ Harry Potter _ ,” she started. “What about  _ Star Trek _ or  _ Star Wars _ ?”

“Is this an interview,” he teased.

“But, of course. We can’t be besties if you don’t know your SyFy.”

“I have seen both series of movies,” he informed her. “Dean wouldn’t leave me alone until we watched them on multiple occasions.”

“So, he does have a redeeming quality,” she scoffed.

“He has many redeeming qualities,” he couldn’t help throw back.

“That shall remain to be seen,” she said airily. “Hurting my best friend is almost punishable by death.”

Cas scoffed softly. “Do you always pick up strays on their first day?”

“Absolutely,” she nodded. “But I only take those I really like to lunch.”

“How do you know I’m worth taking to lunch?”

“Because you’re obvious a kindred spirit,” she said, meaning them both being gay. “And you referenced  _ Harry Potter  _ on your first day. That makes you a Gryffindor in my book. Yet another green check in my book.”

“I always thought I would be more of a Hufflepuff.”

 

“Anything besides Slytherin, of course.”

 

“Of course. I’m not devious enough,” he smiled.

 

“Do you Moondor?” She asked.

 

“I’m afraid I’m not sure what that is. Is it a movie?”

 

It was her turn to chuckle. “No, it’s LARPing,” she explained.

 

“I’m not familiar with that term either, I’m sorry.”

 

“LARPing is Live Action Role Playing. You are looking at the queen of Moondor.”

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand that reference,” Cas informed her, slightly confused about what Moondor was.

 

“Oh, dude. You are  _ so _ coming with me next time.” The tone of her voice suggested her disappointment in his lack of recognition.

 

An idea came to mind. “Would either of you be opposed to going to the park with me to celebrate the Fourth?”

 

“Absolutely. We’ll make a day of it,” Abbie beamed.

 

“She makes this awesome fruit salad,” Charlie bragged. “We can have a picnic. Glinda and I’ll make some stuff, too. This is going to be so awesome for your first celebration, Cas.”

 

Cas smiled, proud of himself for making a friend. That ups it to three. But he’s still unsure if he could count Abbie as a friend. Glinda returned with their lunches, touching Charlie’s arm affectionately as she passed. It reminded him of what he missed most about Dean. The touches they shared. An encouraging pat on the back after a particularly bad day. The high-fives during moments of excitement. Even Dean tickling him like crazy during moments of playfulness. He just missed Dean. A new sense of loneliness washed over him as he took a couple bites of his sandwich. Something must have been evident on his face because Charlie gave him an apologetic look and mouthed the words, ‘I’m sorry’, to him. He simply nodded and offered a small smile. He couldn’t really fault them for being happy with each other. It wasn’t either women’s fault his relationship with Dean was broken. No, that landed completely at his feet. If he hadn’t stupidly asked Dean to stay and make him feel cornered, he would still have Dean in his life.


	13. Chapter 13

he next week was the Fourth and Cas was excited. Wanting to bring something to the picnic, he bought a couple of pies, one of them being apple pie. Nothing says All American Fourth of July than having apple pie. Charlie picked him up around shortly before noon to head towards the park, telling him both Abbie and Gilda were already there and setting up the blankets. They talked more about the idea of him joining her at her next LARPing event, which he was still unsure about. Not so much the idea of participating but the idea of the game. He never played Dungeons and Dragons or anything remotely like that. He wasn’t very imaginative if that was a requirement. Charlie kept reassuring him by saying he was going to have the time of his life. And even said he could be her court wizard. He wasn’t sure what that exactly entailed but it sounded interesting enough. Unsurprisingly, the park was extremely crowded. Live music could be heard as they made their way to where their spot was. It surprised him how easily she navigated them right to where the girls were. Gilda smiled in greeting as she told him everything they had packed for lunch. Looking around, he saw other people had packed something as well. Families and even singles coming out to celebrate the day and to listen to the music. They were too far from the wooden stage for him to see the actual band but speakers were placed strategically around the grassy area so no one would miss out. Lunch consisted of cold sandwiches, juice, potato chips, brownies, Abbie’s famed fruit salad, and the pies he brought. After they ate, he actually ended up falling asleep for about an hour while Charlie and Gilda went for a walk. Abbie pulled out a book she brought along, stretching out on the blanket next to Cas. It turned out to be a great day of spending time with new friends. The highlight was definitely the fireworks which got started once it was completely dark. He had so much fun he actually forgot to miss Dean in the meantime.

  
  
  
  


It was a great day for a drive. He had all four windows down and his music was blasting as he drove on the

Being it was Sunday, he was heading towards his parents’ house for dinner after she made him promise to be there every week. Plus, it would be nice to keep watching the games with his dad, a tradition him and Sam had while growing up. Only Sam was still in California, so that left Dean. His mom generally watched something else in the living room, while the boys were tucked in the den with the big screen. Three hours wasn’t really  _ that _ long of a drive. Especially when his mom promised there’d be apple pie for dessert. Sometimes it was just too hard to say no to his mom. He just hoped they wouldn’t bring up Cas and start asking questions. It wasn’t like he could tell them the truth. He just wasn’t ready to explain anything. Pulling into the driveway, he had to stop himself from looking at Cas’ parents’ house in his rearview mirror. He wondered if Cas would be there for a visit before realizing it had only been a couple weeks since he moved, forgetting he had only moved a week and was already visiting his own parents. Thankfully no one was outside of Cas’ parents’. Both garage doors firmly closed.

 

The minute he stepped into the kitchen, the aroma of his mom’s famous meatloaf and apple hit greeted him before his mom could go to him with a bright smile and open arms ready to hug him.

 

“Hi, Mom,” he greeted, hugging her in return.

 

“Have a good drive?” She asked, letting him go to return to the oven where she was finishing the mashed potatoes.

 

“Yeah, it wasn’t bad,” he answered, going to the fridge to grab a couple beers. “Where’s Dad?”

 

“Where else?” She scoffed, glancing at him over her shoulder with a smile.

 

“How long before dinner?” He made no apologies for liking to eat.

 

“Uh… I’d say about another twenty minutes. Is that too soon for you?”

 

“Never too soon to eat,” he smiled, heading in the direction of the den.

 

The den was off the living room, which worked when games ran late and his mom wanted to go to bed. As he approached closer, he could hear his dad already bitching about the umpire’s vision. Knocking on the partially closed door, his dad peeked turned his head to look at him, smiling in greeting.

 

“Thought that was you,” John’s deep voice said.

 

“The game start already?” Dean asked, handing him one of the beers before sitting down in the other recliner.

 

“Not yet. Next game’s ours.”

 

Dean twisted the cap of his beer and set it on the end table between both recliners, pushing back on the arms of his chair to kick his feet up. Neither one say much until the first commercial starts.

 

“Talk to Sammy?” John asked, sipping his beer.

 

“Yeah, a couple days ago. Sent him pictures of my new place.” That was all he said about the phone call, deciding not tell him they nearly got into an argument after Sam called him an asshole after he learned how Dean left things with Cas. Why he even told Sam to begin with he didn’t know. But he was sorry for it by the end of the call.

 

“You settling in?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Takes me a while to get to sleep. New place and all. But I’m getting there.”

 

“What about Cas? He settling in, too?”

 

Dean closed his eyes at the mention of Cas. Figures. “Uh, I guess. I don’t really know.”

 

That was enough for John to look at Dean for a few minutes, the announcer giving the score of the baseball game in the silence. “What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you talk to him?”

 

“We’re just both busy, you know?” That sounded like a legitimate excuse.

 

“Busy? You helped him move and now you’re busy?”

 

He groaned mentally, wishing the questions would stop. “What’s with the third degree, Dad?” Dean asked, feeling defensive.

 

“Nothing. Just curious, is all. You two practically lived in each other’s space growing up.”

 

“No, we didn’t,” he lied, hating how flat his tone sounded.

 

“You don’t remember? Thought for sure one of you boys were gonna move in somewhere.”

 

“We just liked hanging out, that’s all.”

 

“I’m not saying there was anything wrong with it, Dean. I’m just asking about him and you’re giving me cryptic answers. You two have a falling out?”

 

“Kind of,” he shrugged slightly, keeping his gaze on the TV. “I don’t even know. Maybe.”

 

“Sorry to hear that, son. I really am. Maybe just give it some time. You guys’ll be talking before you know it. Look at me and Bobby. Two of us are always at each other’s throats. After a couple days, we’re good.”

 

Dean opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out so he closed it again. He was such a coward. A confused coward, but still a coward the same. “We’ll be good, too, Dad. Just like you and Bobby.”

 

That seemed to make John happy as he miraculously dropped the subject and turned his attention back to the TV. Mary opens the door wide enough just to pop her head in. “Dinner’s ready, guys,” she smiled at Dean.

 

“Yeah, all right, Mom. We’re coming,” Dean reassured her, standing up and head towards the kitchen.

 

He heard John set his recliner back straight and getting up behind him. In the kitchen, Mary sets the serving bowls and platter with the meatloaf on the table. “Did you want something else to drink, sweetheart?” She asks John.

 

“I’ll just have my beer,” he answered, sitting down at the head of the table.

 

Dean sat in his usual spot between his parents and facing the windows. Since Sam no longer lived at home, the side which would have been his was pushed against the wall just under the windows. He listened to his parents’ small talk. His mom talking about some of the neighbors as far as what they told her. John just grunted as he started filling his plate. He didn’t get into neighborhood gossip the way Mary did. Dean couldn’t help wondering if him and Cas would become gossip fodder if anyone found out about them. Two families becoming scandalized because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

 

“Honey? Did you hear me?” His mom’s soft voice asked him as she laid a hand on his arm.

 

“No, sorry. Just dazing out. What did you ask?”

 

“I asked if you talked to Cas since you’ve moved.”

 

“They’re fighting,” John informed her before Dean could answer.

 

“I’m sorry to hear that, Dean,” she told him solemnly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

_ Sure. I fucked him, ran out of there like a scared cat, and now we don’t talk. _ “Not really, no,” he ended up saying, giving himself an extra helping of mashed potatoes.

 

“Well, I have no doubt you two will be talking before long. You never did like fighting with him.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” he agreed.

 

The conversation drifted back between just his parents again, allowing Dean to start eating. He hummed softly with the first bite of meatloaf. Memories of him standing on a chair and watching as Mary cooked, explaining to him about the different spices. When he was finally old enough, she let him cook dinner once a week. John jokingly commented his cooking was better than his mother’s. Dean still loved cooking and baking. Sometimes using baking to help him de-stress himself. Conversation soon turned to upcoming plans for the Fourth. Every year, the Novaks had a big blowout cookout at their house for some of the neighbors. Naturally, the Winchesters were invited. Only Sam would miss this year’s due to being at school. Dean told his mom he didn’t think he would make it, which she was sad to hear. The truth was he didn’t think he could handle sitting in Cas’ parents’ backyard where he spent so many years playing as a youth. Especially not when things were so complicated with Cas.

 

Damn. Cas, again.

 

He ate mindlessly, wondering when the hell he would stop thinking about Cas. The next thought was maybe he should text him. Mary believed they would start talking again but he wasn’t so sure. How the hell do you come back after running away? Any apology he might say just sounded lame. Sometimes the words  _ I’m sorry _ just wasn’t enough. He blinked his thoughts away and finished eating. Once both men were done, they returned back to the den just in time for the start of the Royals game, the one they actually were interested in. An hour into the game, Mary stepped inside with two plates of apple pie topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for them. John reached out and stroked her arm in appreciation while Dean simply smiled his before she left them alone to their game.

 

He returned home just after nine, the cool night air giving him goosebumps as he made his way up the wooden stairs around the side of the building to his apartment, carrying two Tupperware containers of leftovers courtesy of Mary. Standing under the small awning as he unlocked his door, his gaze fell to the red neon sign of a bar a couple streets away. Maybe he would finally check it out next weekend when he didn’t have to worry about work the following morning. But for right now, he was too tired to think of anything but plopping on his bed. Turning the kitchen light on as he stepped inside, he opened his fridge to put the containers inside. Maybe he would hit the store tomorrow to make an actual meal that didn’t need a microwave. He tossed his keys on the kitchen table as he walked past towards the hallway leading to his room. He was already pulling his tee shirt off by the time he stepped inside his room, unbuttoning his jeans as he walked towards the dresser for pajama pants. Getting changed, he tossed his discarded clothes in the wicker basket in the corner and sat down on the side of his bed. His thoughts returning yet again to Cas, wondering how he was doing and what he was doing. God, he missed him. He was still playing with the idea of texting him. Just to see if he would get a reply. Frowning at the thought of Cas purposely ignoring any messages he may send. He decided against sending anything, using the excuse he didn’t want to disturb him. It was after nine now, so it would be dinner time in California. No, he’d just wait and maybe send something in the morning. He got ready for bed, ignoring the voice in his head calling him a chicken shit.

The morning didn’t see him become any braver in regards to contacting Cas. He did his normal routine of getting ready for work and making breakfast. Yet another microwaved meal but damn if those breakfast sandwiches weren’t good. Grabbing his keys and phone, he rushed out the door in his usual fashion.

 

Music was already blaring from the garage as Dean pulled into the side parking lot. Opening up the garage generally fell on either Walt or Roy, both good mechanics. Between the two friends, Walt was the chattier one. Roy often hung back and just listened adding his two cents in whenever he had something to say. The garage employed four mechanics, Dean included. There were four bay doors and each mechanic had their own work area they were responsible for to keep clean and tools in place. Sometimes Rufus would work on a car, if any emergency cases came through. Missouri generally worked the books and fielded the phone calls. Dean liked her and she seemed to take an interest in Dean even if she weirded him out a bit with some of the off the wall comments. Going so far as telling him he just had to be patient. It wasn’t time yet for him for love. He just looked at her blankly, not sure how to respond to that. If he got the nerve, he would ask Rufus what was wrong with her. Only two cars were in the bays, one of the being a Ford Fusion with its hood up. Hearing the sound of the socket wrench, Dean smirked as he quietly approached the vehicle. The driver side window was down, allowing Dean to reach inside and beep the horn. A thud and much swearing was the result as Dean laughed. Peeking around the hood with a scowl and rubbing his head, Walt flipped him off.

 

“Asshole,” Walt mumbled, disappearing again under the hood.

 

“Morning, Walt,” Dean greeted cheerfully.

 

“Fuck your morning, Winchester,” Walt griped as Dean continued laughing.

  
  


“Big guy in yet?” Dean asked, looking in the direction of the door leading to the front office. He saw through the small window the lights were still off but that didn’t necessarily mean Rufus wasn’t in his office.

 

“Not yet. It’s just us for now. Roy and Tim’ll be here around ten,” Walt informed him.

 

Dean just nodded. Tim was a damn good mechanic, almost as good as him. Like Dean, Tim learned from his father about cars and ended up working for Rufus after a teenage prank left two cars in the parking lot damaged. Tim’s father somehow found out about it and dragged the sullen boy down to apologize in person. Rather than press charges, Rufus had him work the damages off. That had been twelve years ago and Tim still worked for Rufus. When Tim first told Dean the story on Dean’s second day, he had been surprised. He couldn’t imagine Rufus being a second chancer. Especially since he’s witnessed Rufus threatening to shove a tailpipe up someone’s ‘tailpipe’, both customers who became belligerent and workers who slacked off. One just never could predict Rufus’ moods, which made working for the grouchy man interesting. Dean left Walt to it, going to his bay to start working on the Neon that needed front end work. He hated the newer cars with their damn computers. Give him a classic car any day. But it was his knowledge of classic cars which got him hired in the first place after Rufus discovered Dean had rebuilt her a few times after a few mishaps over the years. Even after a week, Dean impressed the customers. Many of whom tried dismissing him at first due to being so young. But once he started talking with the older customers about maintaining their cars, he easily won them over. Probably yet another reason Rufus hired him. Dean could talk cars as long as the day was and Rufus didn’t have to be bothered.

 

It was promising to be yet another hot Kansas summer day, the temperature was already climbing. It didn’t take long before Dean’s blue work shirt was sweaty and sticking to his back. Damn thing felt as if it were made of polyester than cotton with as much as it itched his back and around his neck. Thankfully, there was a water cooler in the office he could get to as much water as he needed, having caught on from the other guys to bring his own water bottle and keep it filled up with the cool water and setting it on his work bench. Dean was finishing up on replacing the air filter when Tim’s bulky body appeared on the other side of the car, smiling at him in greeting. Dean smiled at him in return as he kept working. The other mechanic was a couple years older than him and stood nearly as tall as Dean, with blonde hair a shade or two darker than Dean’s. His face always reminded Dean of those chubby kids with the round cheeks.

 

“You’re coming along there, Winchester,” Tim told him with a small smile.

 

“Slowly. Damn thing is giving me fucking fits,” he complained. “Whatchya got going on?”

 

“Finishing that fuel pump on the Civic. Outta have it done by today. I know it’s early but you wanna grab a beer after work?”

 

Dean looked up at him, who looked back expectantly. “Sure,” Dean nodded. “I know a place. Never checked it out but seems like as good of a place as any.” He was thinking about the bar by his apartment.

 

“Sounds good,” Tim told him, lightly tapping the side of the car before disappearing back to his bay.

 

Dean couldn’t stop himself from sneaking a look as the man walked away. Feeling his cheeks burning, he quickly looked over in Walt’s direction and made sure he didn’t witness him oogling Tim’s ass. Thankfully, Walt had his back to them both. By the time lunchtime rolled around, Dean was halfway done with his car, wiping his hands on the red cloth he had tucked in his pocket. Today turned out to be a day Missouri decided to bring food to feed the boys, telling them they were welcome and not to talk with food in their mouths before they had even taken a single bite. Dean looked at the other guys who just grunted as they dismissed what Missouri said but didn’t try talking. Obviously they were used to her strange ramblings. He still hadn’t asked anyone about them. Maybe he would get a chance to ask after work.

 

Five o’clock rolled around quicker than he had expected. Tim came over to check if they were still grabbing a beer. Dean gave him his address, wanting to clean up a bit before heading out. Never knew when got lucky, depending on what the women looked like. Of course he had been known to bang a couple chicks who weren’t exactly this side of pretty but did promise they were good at sucking dick. It had been enough of a challenge in his drunken mind to take them on their offer. Only one didn’t seem to hold up to scrutiny. Maybe his luck would be different at this new place, whose name he wasn’t even sure about. Tim promised to be at Dean’s in an hour, giving Dean plenty of time to clean up. The dried clay-colored cinder block building turned out to be just as small as Dean thought. Only the ‘Welcome’ neon sign in the window turned out to be orange instead of red as it looked from his porch. The inside was just as dingy as the outside. The flooring looked as if it was about to erode with each step as they walked towards the bar. Dean looked at Tim in apology for bringing him to such a shithole, but Tim just shrugged. Apparently it wasn’t bad enough for them to change their minds, each of them ordering a beer when the bartender came over.

 

“Where’d you say you were from again? From here, right?” Tim asked, the question sounding random and out of place.

 

“Yeah. Lawrence, about three hours Southeast of here. What about you?”

 

“Born and raised here,” Tim answered.

 

He wasn’t sure about the reasoning behind the questions, but decided to steer the conversation into another direction. “So, let me ask you. Missouri. What’s her deal, man? She keeps telling me all these off the wall things that I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.”

 

Tim chuckled, the sound making Dean smile. “She’s an odd duck, ain’t she? Missouri Mosley. I think if her and Rufus weren’t kin, they’d probably would’ve killed each other by now."


	14. Chapter 14

“My money’s on Missouri. She sure don’t take no bullshit from anyone,” Dean chuckled, his fingers slowly spinning his bottle in a circle.

 

“What’d she say to you that got you all spooked?”

 

“I dunno,” he shrugged. “Something about being patient for love or some shit.”

 

“Patient for love?” Hank asked with a chuckle.

 

“Yeah. I dunno what she meant. Just came right up to me and started babbling about love.” He didn’t want to think about love, having already screwed the pooch on that one. He admitted when she was going on about him being patient for love, he instantly thought about Cas. Was he supposed to be patient for Cas? What the hell was he being patient about and for how long? Taking a long drink of his beer, he just shook his head slightly, deciding she was just babbling about nothing.

 

They had another beer before they both decided to call it quits, not wanting to deal with a hangover the next morning. As they headed out, Dean suggested going out again. Maybe finding a better bar when Tim said he knew of one. They made plans for the coming Friday to get together. Dean suggested inviting the other two guys to tag along the next time. He clapped Tim on the shoulder then allowed his hand to linger on the man’s shoulder as he bid him a goodnight. Dean decided to walk the two blocks rather than driving and take any chances of getting pulled over. Tim beeped at Dean as he pulled out of the parking lot as Dean started walking home. By the time he got home, he was feeling a little bit more buzzed, heading up the staircase slowly. Exhaustion hit him suddenly as he made his way inside and straight to bed, not even bothering to change his clothes. Just plopped down on the bed and pulled the comforter over him and fell asleep.

 

The following week, the shop was closed for a couple days in observation of the Fourth. Just as he told his mom, Dean stayed home rather than making the trek to Lawrence. He didn’t have any other plans so he stayed home, playing a movie he barely was paying attention to as he drank the six-pack he bought earlier. Not exactly the best holiday celebration but there was always next year. That idea nearly made him snort.

  
  


It had taken Cas all of one week and one gentle warning from Abbie to find himself out for drinks with the elusive Brady Reynolds for Friday night. He decided not to tell Abbie about it since she already warned him Brady was a player and couldn’t hold onto any type of relationships for longer than a month before he lost interest. Cas tried explaining he wasn’t looking for a commitment either, just someone to have fun with. He wasn’t yet over Dean and didn’t see it being fair to anyone until he was ready. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t looking forward to going out. Brady and him exchanged numbers throughout the week and texted about the different places they could go. Cas didn’t want to go somewhere that would be loud or overly crowded. Brady told him he knew of the perfect place and was set to pick Cas up around seven on Friday evening.

 

Friday arrived and he had a stomach full of nerves as he looked at his reflection in the bedroom mirror. He wasn’t entirely sure what the proper attire was for ‘getting drinks’, but chose dark dress pants and a dark blue button down shirt. No tie and the top button undone since he assumed it was going to be casual. His hair was sticking up in places, which he hated looking so unkempt. No amount of combing or wetting it down seemed to help. Maybe he needed a haircut. He should have gotten a haircut and now there was no time before Brady would show up. His thoughts were spinning out of control as he wondered yet again if this was a date and then worried Brady would look at it as a date. He would simply tell him when he arrived that he wasn’t ready to date yet. It was still early enough for Brady to make other plans for the night without causing too much of a scene. When the doorbell rang, he gasped with surprise as he looked in the direction of the front door. Taking a deep breath, he went to answer the door. Brady greeted him with a crooked smile as he was leaning against the doorway.

 

“Hey. Wow, you look nice,” Brady told him, his gaze sweeping up and down Cas’ body.

 

“I’m not overdressed, am I? I wasn’t sure what to wear for drinks,” Cas informed him, stepping aside so Brady could enter the apartment.

 

“No, no. You look great. Perfect.” Brady’s voice coming out in a near purr.

 

“I must tell you that I’m not sure if this is a date,” he said nervously, shutting the door and leading him towards the living room and gesturing for him to sit down.

 

“Do you want it to be a date, Cas?” He asked, sitting down in the chair across from Cas.

 

“I’m not ready to date yet. I’m sort of getting over someone and I don’t want either of us to misunderstand each other.”

 

“So, it’s not a date,” he shrugged. “Either way, drinks are still on the agenda, right?”

 

“Yes, we can get drinks. I just wanted to let you know where I stand so if you wanted to cancel tonight you still could.”

 

“I don’t want to cancel, Cas,” he reassured him with another crooked smile.

 

“Good. Then we should probably go.”

 

“What’s your hurry? Neither one of us have to get up early tomorrow. We could just stay in, if you wanted.”

 

“I thought you said we were going for drinks?” Cas asked, his head tilting to the side in confusion.

 

“If that’s what you’d like, sure. We can go out for drinks,” he smiled again.

 

Cas frowned, wondering if Abbie was right with her warning about him. He almost seemed… lecherous. Trying to push Cas into something without being obvious. “Yes. I would like to go for drinks,” he stated firmly.

 

“Shall I drive?” He asked, standing up and smoothing out his pants.

 

“I think it would be best to take two vehicles. Then we can just part from wherever we’re going without needing to take any unnecessary trips.”

 

“I don’t mind coming back here afterwards.”

 

Cas narrowed his eyes, suddenly regretting he agreed to go out with him. “I would feel better with separate cars,” he said firmly.

 

Brady’s smile faltered slightly for a few seconds. “If that’s what you want,” he told him.

 

Cas holds out his hand towards the door, indicating Brady to go first as they head out the door, Cas locking the door behind them. He wasn’t entirely sure where they were going but hoped it wouldn’t give Brady any false sense of anything happening later on. As they left the complex, Brady again trying swaying Cas to ride with him but Cas was proud of himself for not budging. They end up at some restaurant about half an hour from Cas’ apartment. It’s fairly crowded when they go inside but Brady led him towards the bar area which was brimming with just as many people. Cas instantly felt uncomfortable as he sat down.

 

“I thought you said we were going somewhere that wasn’t crowded?” Cas asked him, trying not to sound accusatory.

 

“This isn’t crowded,” Brady answered, looking around with a smile. “I know places that are more crowded. Besides, I know this place. They have really good service here if you wanted to grab something to eat.”

 

That sounded too much like a date for Cas, who just shook his head. “Drinks are good. I’ll just have one.”

 

“One drink?” Brady scoffed. “C’mon, live a little.”

 

“I’m not a big drinker.”

 

“Don’t trust yourself around me, is that?” Brady chuckled at his own joke.

 

“Why would I not trust myself?” Cas asked, genuinely curious. “Will something happen which I should be aware of?”

 

“Nothing’s going to happen that you don’t want, Cas.”

 

Just the way he said the words put Cas off. Every time Brady opened his mouth, he was getting more obnoxious to the point Cas regretted going out with him and wished he had listened to Abbie’s warning.

Brady ordered a Whiskey Sour and tried ordering one for him when Cas cut him off and ordered a Rum and Coke. One drink and then he was leaving, anything to get away. But Brady seemed to have other ideas, as he started talking and hinting more and more about them going back to either his place or Cas’, either of which held no appeal. Cas simply pretended not to hear each time Brady tried raising the subject, sipping on his drink.

 

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Brady asked.

 

“If I’m comfortable enough with someone I do,” he countered, hoping Brady caught the message.

 

“So you’re saying you’re not comfortable around me, is that it?”

 

“I don’t know you well enough to say I am comfortable.”

 

“Then that’s why I keep suggesting we leave here and go see if we can make ourselves comfortable somewhere else.”

 

“I believe you misunderstood my intentions here. I’m not looking to be a notch on anyone’s bedpost,” Cas told him firmly, narrowing his eyes slightly.

 

“And that’s what you think you’ll be, a notch?”

 

“Since you picked me up, you have hinted at ‘staying in’, as you worded it. There’s only one meaning behind that. And I’m not interested. If you wanted something different, perhaps you shouldn’t have suggested drinks.”

 

“Then why come out with me for drinks if I’m misunderstanding your intentions, as you put it?”

 

“I was hoping to make a friend without any expectations.”

 

“No expectations?” Brady scoffed. “That’s not the type of friendships I have.”

 

Cas set his drink down on the bar and stood up. “Then we no longer have to keep up pretenses.”

 

“C’mon, Cas,” Brady tried stopping him with a hand on his shoulder. “It doesn’t have to end like this.”

 

“We both know where we stand, Brady, and it’s not something either of us are willing to change our minds.”

 

“You’re really going to leave?”

 

“Yes. I can find my own way home. Have a pleasant night, Brady.”

  
  


Cas then left Brady standing at the bar without a second look. By the time he made it to the parking lot, he was smiling. That was the first time he stood up for himself and damn if it didn’t feel good. He pulled out his phone without thinking to call Dean, pausing only before he hit the last number. It wouldn’t matter if he called him, he wouldn’t care. Hadn’t the last two weeks proved that? Just how little Dean cared now. Walking towards his car, all his elation about how he handled Brady disappeared. All he could think about was Dean. The drive home was spent with him once wondering if he should contact Dean. If he were honest, the idea never left him alone. There was so much he wanted to tell him. How his job was going. That he was making friends. Little things of his everyday life. But most importantly, he wanted to tell Dean about how he left Brady at the bar. He wanted Dean to still be a part of his life. Didn’t Dean miss him?

  
  


The more time he spent with Tim, the more he liked the guy. Sure, and he was attractive. But that wasn’t the reason Dean liked him. They had a few things in common. Both were fans of both the Chiefs and the Royals, as well as the KSU Jayhawks. Both grew up learning about cars from their fathers. And they both had an affinity to drinking beer sometimes on the weekends. Nothing out of hand, just to help wind down after a long week of work. The topic of girls often came up, as it sometimes did between two single guys. Tim told Dean he wasn’t ready to settle down yet. He was only twenty-six and didn’t want to worry about a wife and kids until he was at least thirty. Dean told him he wasn’t any better at relationships. Of course, Dean never mentioned he was struggling with his sexuality. He wasn’t an idiot. Well, not a complete one at least. This was still Kansas and a small town of a little over two hundred residents. Admitting to some stranger he just met two weeks earlier would’ve earned him an ass kicking or shot, or even both. No, thank you. Besides, why even say anything when he wasn’t entirely sure there was anything to tell? Okay, so he had sex with his best friend and really liked it. But could he just come right out and tell people he was bi? God, he wished Cas was there. He would know all about what Dean was feeling without him actually having to open his mouth.

 

“I think I’m calling it, man. I’m gonna end up sleeping right here,” Dean told Tim, rubbing his eyes with his fingers.

 

“Getting too old, Winchester?” Tim teased.

 

“Something like that,” Dean grinned.

 

He quickly finished off his beer as he stood up. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a couple bills and tossed them down on the bar, clapping Tim on the back on his way out. The night air felt cool against his warm skin as he made his way to his car. They decided to try a different place in hopes of it having better luck with the women than that shitty bar by Dean’s. Unfortunately, this bar didn’t seem to be any better. Either that or Dean just was too picky. Probably the second one since he wasn’t exactly sure what his type was when it came to the fairer sex. Meg was all dark and beautiful. But he wouldn’t say she was the model for his type of woman. He’s bedded different types of women. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, even twins. He knew he liked the really bendy ones but that wasn’t really a requirement. Without meaning to, his thoughts started thinking about the types of guys he liked. Brunette for sure. There was just something about dark hair that interested him. And maybe blue eyes. That’d be a stunning combination; blue eyes and dark hair. Tall without being too tall. Maybe a couple inches shorter than him. And definitely he would have a body. All smooth skin and lines outlining his muscles. For a moment he thought about Cas. That sounded like Cas. Why the fuck couldn’t he stop thinking about him? And why the fuck was he thinking about guys? He was just thinking about women. How did he get on the subject of men? Pulling himself out of his thoughts, Dean carefully drove home. Even small towns such as Lebanon, Kansas had police all too willing to issue DUIs and he definitely didn’t need one of those to complicate his life any further.

 

As he climbed the stairs leading up to his apartment, he felt exhausted. At least it was the weekend again and he didn’t need to wake up early. He could stay in bed all day if he chose to. Of course, he had to go to his parents’ house again on Sunday but that was two days away. Maybe he would try the next town over for some entertainment. Smith Center was ten miles Southwest of Lebanon and boasted a population of just over sixteen hundred. Maybe he would invite Tim along as well. Just in case he was looking for entertainment as well. They were young, attractive guys. The idea planting deeper in his mind the more he thought about it. As he was getting ready for bed, he shot Tim a quick text asking him about going out the next night.

 

This time, Tim drove them in his 2015 F-150 truck. Dean wasn’t really a fan of sitting shotgun in any vehicle but at least this way he didn’t have to pace himself with alcohol tonight. They fell into easy conversation about sports as well as each hoping the bars were better than at home. At least in Lawrence he had a chance to hookup with someone. Lebanon was not known for its local entertainment, apparently. They stopped off at the first bar they saw. It was bigger than the bars they tried at home, which Dean hoped meant he wouldn’t strike out. Inside, he saw it was both a bar and restaurant, the aromas of the food were making his mouth water. Tim led them towards an empty table, sitting down with his back against the wall and stretching his legs out across the seat.

 

“My brother sits like that, too,” Dean chuckled, sliding into the booth across from him.

 

“It’s comfortable. Especially being on your feet all damn day? Just absolutely heaven.”

 

“Sammy’s too freaking tall. That’s his problem. Just head, shoulders, and nothing but legs.”

 

“You got any other siblings?”

 

“Nah, just the Samsquatch,” Dean smiled at his nickname for his brother. “What about you? Got any siblings?”

 

“Got a sister over in Red Cloud,” he slightly shrugged. “I sometimes go fishing with her husband.”

 

“Man, I haven’t gone fishing in like…,” he hesitated as he thought about it. “Damn, I can’t remember the last time I actually went.”

 

“Your dad never took you?”

 

“Nah. He’s the one who taught me about cars, though.”

 

“You said he gave you your car when you were eighteen, right? That’s a thing of beauty.”

 

Dean smiled proudly at the comment. “Yeah, she is. She’s my baby. She’s been real good to me.”

 

“You ever have her in those car shows?”

 

“My dad did a couple of times. I haven’t really, no. But she does deserve being showed off.”

 

Conversation was stilled for a few minutes as a waitress came over to give them menus and if they wanted anything from the bar. They each ordered a burger with fries and a beer. The waitress smiled at Dean, her gaze lingering on him just a few seconds longer than necessary. Dean smiled in return, even winked at her to her surprise. She giggled softly, taking their menus back, her fingers brushed against his in the passing of the laminated menus. Both men watched as she walked away, glancing over her shoulder back at Dean and smiled.

 

“Man, I’d say you’re in,” Tim commented, chuckling.

 

“Might have to come here more often,” Dean grinned, still watching the waitress.

 

Conversation between the two men returned to cars, then turned to them trying to best the other in their best car stories. The waitress returned a short time later with their orders. Her hand intentionally brushing Dean’s arm as she set his plate in front of him. Tim watched on with an amused expression as Dean thanked her with a flirtatious smile. She touched him on the shoulder, telling him to just holler if they needed anything. By the time they finished their meal, the waitress returned with their check in hand and a phone number very clearly added at the bottom. Dean ripped that part off the check, tucking the number in his pants pocket. He would have to call… Tiffany another time since Tim drove them there. If he had Baby, he would simply sweet talk her into maybe the backseat. They got up to leave, Tiffany watched them with an expression of disappointment until Dean winked at her again, then she smiled with hopefulness.


	15. Chapter 15

The next day, Dean did end up calling her and asked her out for the next weekend. She suggested going to another bar, one that was home to a mechanical bull named Larry. It wouldn’t be the first time he tried his hand at the bull riding, just one that actually named. Not one to turn down too many challenges, he accepted her plans for their date on the condition that if he won he got to call what his prize would be. There was no mistaking what he was trying to insinuate. Tiffany simply giggled and told him she’d see him Friday. A text came a few minutes later with her address.

 

Surprisingly, work wasn’t too awkward as he thought they might be. He had to chuckle at Brady’s pettiness when he saw there was now a shade on the window and it stayed closed. The worst part was having to explain what happened to Abbie and Charlie separately. Both of them had ended up asking the same questions a few times. But there was no problems from Brady, thankfully. And it gave Cas a sense of ease as he realized he didn’t have to rush into anything with anyone. For the moment, he decided just to concentrate on his career and worry less about dating. It wouldn’t have been fair anyways to try forcing himself to date. Not when he was still trying to work out his feelings for Dean.

 

The following weekend, he went out with Charlie and her girlfriend for the first time. He couldn’t dance to save his life but that didn’t seem to matter to the girls, who had begged him to join them. He relented, hoping the night went quickly. The club wasn't too bad. It was crowded, of course, seeming like everyone in the city was there. The music was definitely too loud for his taste, not even recognizing anything that had been playing. The dance floor was too enticing for Charlie and Gilda to miss out, as he promised to find them a place to sit down. He went to the bar to order himself a drink, maybe something strong to help ease the boredom. He was surprised to actually find a booth, considering how many people were lingering along the sidelines. He tried looking out for the girls but it was too crowded, although he did notice the guy standing off to the side sort of eyeing him. Cas smiled at him politely before watching the dance floor again. The cute guy on the side stepped a little closer to him with a hopeful look on his face. He was attractive, Cas thought. He looked to be about Cas’ height, and wore blue jeans and a tee shirt which showed off his muscular body very well. Cas would guess him to be close to thirty. Not really a deal breaker unless the guy was an ass about the age difference. As the guy kept edging closer, Cas offered him another smile which the guy returned. Finally, the guy stood right next to Cas and introduced himself.

 

For the next couple of hours, he got to know the man, who introduced himself as Matthew and was also new to the city, having moved there to be closer to his mom who lived in Long Beach without feeling as if he was encroaching on her. She was in her late fifties and was still a very independent woman. Something Cas understood about with his own mother. And as Cas thought, Matthew was, indeed, thirty. And a very good looking thirty-year-old at that. He was just marginally taller than Cas, and had brown eyes with dark hair. And a very good conversationalist, which Cas found to be a rare commodity nowadays. The more they talked, the more Cas felt at ease with him. Matthew even bought the next round of drinks but didn’t seem anxious to progress any further than simply talking, which impressed Cas immensely.

 

By the time Charlie and Gilda found them, Cas already had a date planned with Matthew for the following week. As he listened to Charlie and Gilda talking to Matthew as well, it dawned on Cas this was the first time he hadn’t thought about Dean. When Matthew suggested going out, he just simply said yes. He waited for the familiar feeling of guilt to start hitting him and was a bit confused when it never came. Was he getting over Dean? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that notion.

 

The next weekend, Cas met up with Matthew at the Griffith Park, having discovered both liked to go hiking. Matthew had even packed them a lunch and packed it in a cooler for after their hike to the top of the Observatory and back down. Conversation was a continuation from the club of asking each other questions now things were a bit more relaxed. Matthew was definitely an interesting guy. By the time they reached the top of the cliff, both men were panting slightly. Cas had to sit down, feeling a leg cramp starting in his calf.

Matthew offered to massage it out, Cas shyly agreeing. He couldn’t stop blushing the entire time Matthew’s hands were on his leg, both of them laughing nervously. Leg cramps were  _ not _ supposed to be a part of the date.

 

“You have very muscular legs,” Matthew observed, smiling at him.

 

“I… I jog most mornings. Or at least try to,” he informed him.

 

“Oh yeah? Maybe, if you’re interested, we’ll go jogging together.”

 

“I’d like that. It gets a bit lonely going alone. And I haven’t really ventured further than my block.”

 

“How’s tomorrow? We don’t have to go super early. Just whenever you want.”

 

“Tomorrow?” He asked, sounding surprised Matthew already wanted to see him again.

 

“If you want,” Matthew told him, trying to sound casual.

 

“I think I’d like that,” Cas smiled brightly.

 

“Anyone tell you that your smile is cute?”

 

Cas blinked at him. No one’s ever commented on his smile. Except for maybe Dean, swearing he knew Cas’ mood just from the way he smiled. It made him self conscious the first couple of times, unsure what Dean was seeing in his smile. He fought back telling Dean he loved his smiles.

 

“Um, no. Not really, I mean,” Cas answered.

 

“Their loss,” Matthew smiled at him.

 

Before Cas could reply, his stomach growled softly. Matthew just chuckled and told Cas it was lunchtime. They made their way back down the incline towards the car. Matthew carried the cooler, while Cas carried the blanket he brought along for a picnic in the grassy area of the park. A few people were around, also enjoying the sun, somewhere stretched out on blankets and reading or talking to someone. A couple people were even throwing Frisbee around. It was a nice spacious area. Matthew finally decided somewhere in the middle of the park. Cas was thankful he thought to bring his sunglasses, giving him a chance to sneak glances at Matthew. A few times Cas was caught but Matthew just smiled rather than say anything, and Cas felt Matthew’s own stares on him. This was turning out to be the best date he had for a long time.

 

By the time they were ready to head home, it was close to dinnertime. Cas casually asked Matthew if he would like to come over, perhaps order a pizza for them. Matthew agreed, much to Cas’ delight. He hoped it wasn’t too soon but he liked talking to Matthew and hoped it was reciprocated. It turned out to be such a better first date than he had before. As Matthew was leaving, he actually kissed Cas. And it was wonderful. Cas called Charlie once Matthew left as he promised her to tell her how the date went. She squealed excitedly in his ear to damn near deafness when he told her about the kiss only to say a drawled out ‘aw’ when he told her about meeting up with him the next day to go running together. She was happy for him, but advising him to take things slow. Especially after the fiasco with Brady. He agreed and promised to call once he got home. He couldn’t wait for the morning to come.

 

The next morning, he got ready so when Matthew did call he could just go. The call came shortly after nine. The plan was to meet back at Cas’ and go for a late breakfast and then see what there was to do. Go sightseeing as they were both fairly new in the city. And then have lunch, then maybe go jogging if they felt like it around Cas’ neighborhood. An entire day spent with each other, Cas tried not getting too excited but couldn’t help himself. It was nearly four o’clock by the time Matthew dropped Cas off, apologizing for not being able to have dinner with him but he had already promised his mom. Cas smiled at him, appreciating the fact he willingly was spending time with his family, however much he had left. Matthew promised to call him afterwards, which had Cas fighting a bigger smile. He didn’t want to come across as being clingy after just two dates. Getting out of the car, Cas waved one last time before heading towards his apartment.

 

Over the next couple of weeks, the relationship with Matthew only grew stronger to the point where they began telling friends and family they were dating. One particular evening after yet another wonderful date, they ended up having sex for the first time. Cas, naturally, was nervous. This would mark his first time having sex since Dean, who he still hadn’t heard from. And the sex was as glorious as Cas hoped. Matthew was a very attentive lover and very responsive to Cas’ touches. A couple nights later, Cas was at home working on an article when he was tempted to text Dean, which surprised him. It had been nearly two months since he had any contact with him and now the temptation was hitting him hard. He slowly reached for his cellphone which sat on the desk next to his laptop. After thinking for a few minutes, he started typing.

 

**_I slept with someone_ **

 

He wasn’t looking for any type of response, he truly wasn’t. He just wanted Dean to know… what? That he was over him, or getting close to be? That he didn’t think about him as often as he used to? That he was moving on? The answer was probably ‘yes’ to all the above. It was true. His thoughts were now occupied of Matthew and anything the two of them had planned. He no longer felt tightness in his chest when he did think of Dean. He was now laughing more, opening up to both Matthew and Charlie. It felt strange to be able to laugh so carefree after feeling as if he had been living under a cloud for so long. He never wanted to feel so captive under the weight of his feelings again.

  
  
  


The sports bar was fairly crowded which often happened whenever the Royals were playing at home. He was sitting at the bar with Tim to his right as they watched the overhead TV, cheering at players or cursing whenever they missed easy plays. He didn’t hear his phone so much as felt the vibration from it as it was touching the back of his hand. He opened it and saw a text with a name he hadn’t seen pop up in a while. Cas. His stomach dropped as he stared at the ‘1’ on the text message icon. He finally tapped on it, frowning when he read the words.

 

**_I slept with someone_ **

 

What the fuck was he supposed to do with  _ that _ ? Four words that just fucked his night up as he felt a coil of anger in the pit of his stomach. Who did he sleep with?  _ Why _ did he sleep with someone? They weren’t committed to each other but there was that sense of loyalty, right? Cas was his, even if he was a chickenshit for not contacting him since he left. He never thought there would be a chance of Cas meeting anyone so soon. It’s been...what, two months? Couldn’t he at least wait a bit longer? And what did that say about him? He lived in Lebanon for two months and only slept with Tiffany a couple times then ended things before they got too serious. Tim noticed Dean’s sudden lack of interest in the game, nudging him with his elbow in silent questioning if he was all right. Dean just nodded, drinking a mouthful of beer to avoid answering the question out loud. He twirled his phone between his fingers mindlessly as he tried figuring out what he should do. Part of him wanted to ignore the message. But the other half? No, the other half definitely did not want to ignore it at all. That part wanted to find out more about this nameless, faceless asshat who touched Cas. Yet his mind was screaming at him that this was his own fault. If he had come clean and stayed in touch with him, he might have been the one who got to sleep with Cas. But, no. He was too much of an asshole and ignored the guy while actually expecting him to wait until he was figuring out his shit. He nudged Tim back, pointing to his phone and then towards the door to let him he was going to make a phone call. He then made his way outside.

 

The night air was still humid as he stepped outside, already feeling sweat starting to form on the back of his shirt. Damn fucking heatwave. He stepped away from the entrance door, still hearing the crowd inside cheering at whatever the game was showing, not wanting to be heard as well as being able to hear clearly. His fingers already pressed on the contact information, hearing the ringing before he even brought the phone to his ear.

 

“Hello, Dean,” the voice greeted.

 

“You slept with someone else?” Dean asked, not bothering with a greeting.

 

“That’s why you’re calling? Because of that text?” Cas asked, scoffing softly.

 

“Is it true? You slept with someone?”

 

What the hell was he questioning Cas for? Demanding answers like a fucking jealous boyfriend. Cas remained quiet for a few minutes, which only irritated Dean more. “Well?”

 

“Dean, why does that matter?”

 

“Then why the fuck would you tell me?” He demanded.

 

“To let you know I’m letting you go,” Cas answered softly.

 

“Letting me go? What do you mean, ‘letting me go’? You’re ending our friendship?”

 

“What friendship? The one where you haven’t talked to me in two months? That friendship?”

 

“Hey, you haven’t talked to me either, Mr. Innocent, all right? This isn’t just on me. You could’ve called or texted at any time.”

 

“Really? And you would have answered me after you practically sprinted out of the apartment?” Cas questioned.

 

Panic was starting to rise up in his chest. He paced in small circles and grabbed at his hair with his free hand. “So, that’s it? You’re just breaking up with me?”

 

“Dean… this is the first time we’ve talked in  _ two months _ . It’s not as if I’m that important to you. Not anymore.”

 

“C’mon, Cas,” he scoffed. “You’ve always been important to me. You know that.”

 

“Yes, I can tell by the silence,” he quipped.

 

Dean sighed. “You’ve gotten snarkier.”

 

“I’ve always been snarky,” Cas corrected.

 

Dean soft laughter came across a huff of air across the phone line. “Yeah, I guess so.” They both fell silent for a few minutes. “It’s good to hear your voice, Cas. I’ve missed you.”

 

“… I’ve missed you, too, Dean,” he said hesitantly in a soft voice.

 

“Are...Are you doing okay? I mean, out there in L.A.?”

 

“I’m doing fine. I really like my job. What about you?”

 

Dean’s pacing stopped, toeing at the gravel with his shoe and rubbed the back of his head. “No. I mean, that’s great, man. Glad you’re liking it out there. I’m doing good, too, thanks. Making a couple friends. I’m at a sports bar—well, outside of it of at the moment to talk to you-- watching the ballgame. Royals, you know?”

 

“I’m still not a big sports watcher. But that’s great. You making friends, I mean. That’s great.”

 

Why was their conversation so fucking awkward? He hated this. This was  _ Cas _ , for fuck’s sake. “Yeah, thanks. You, uh, coming for a visit anytime soon?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe. They’re planning on coming here to visit. I don’t think Gabe or Amara are coming, though. We’re still kind of just talking about it.”

 

“Oh, right,” Dean tried not sounding disappointed.

 

“I should probably let you get back to your friends. I have to finish writing this article by tonight.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. Right. Big columnist stuff, huh?” Dean teased.

 

“That’s me,” Cas chuckled. “It really was good hearing from you.”

 

“Cas?” He said quickly, wanting to catch him before he hung up.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You know you can contact me anytime, right? I mean that. Whenever you want, okay?”

 

“All right. Thank you, Dean. You, too. Bye, Dean.”

 

“Bye, Cas.”

 

As soon as they hung up, the anger he felt from Cas’ text was replaced with cold fear. This would be the last time he heard from his friend. He knew it. He heard it in Cas’ voice. There was no indication of Cas wanting to contact him again. His response was more of the polite words you tell someone but don’t truly mean. His vision blurred as he kicked at the gravel, cursing under his breath. The door suddenly opened and Tim came walking out. Dean turned around quickly to give himself a chance to wipe at his eyes and avoid any uncomfortable questions that might arise.

  
  


“Game over?” Dean asked, clearing his throat and sniffling softly.

 

“Yeah. Fuckers won two to one. You believe that shit?” Tim scoffed with distaste. “You missed a hell of a game. Whatchya doing out here?”

 

“Ah, talking to an old friend, is all. Playing catch up. C’mon, let me buy you another round.” Dean said, quickly changing his mind as he looped an arm around Tim’s neck and guided him back inside.

 

By the time they left the bar, Dean was definitely buzzing as was Tim, who was singing having friends in low places. A few other patrons leaving just looked at them funny as they walked through the parking lot. Dean chuckled as he helped Tim get in the Impala. He wasn’t completely drunk. Just between buzzed and drunk, but he had enough experience with driving Baby under those conditions that he didn’t have to worry about crashing. Once he got to Tim’s, he helped him inside and made sure he was safe as he practically passed out on his couch. Dean found a blanket to cover him up with, patting him lightly on the head before leaving. The conversation with Cas still weighed heavily on his mind. His fingers tingled to grab his phone and call him back up for no other reason than to make sure he would actually answer. Fuck! He was screwing this up.

 

As he made his way through his own apartment, he started unbuttoning his pants and sliding them down on his way to the bathroom. He hated going to bed with beer on his breath, grabbing his toothbrush. His phone was laying on the glass shelf under the mirror but saw no new texts had come through. Finishing up in the bathroom, he grabbed his phone and went to his bedroom where he plugged it into the charger and turned up the volume a little bit. Just enough to hear it in case Cas would happen to call or send another text. Plopping down on his bed on his stomach, he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

 

The persistent buzzing sound woke him up. When the hell did the sun come up? He squinted in the sudden brightness despite the room being somewhat dimmed from the shades being down. With a sigh, he sat up and grabbed his phone without looking at the Caller ID.

 

“Yeah?” He asked roughly.

 

“Dude! It’s like noon there. You finally waking up?” A laugh came with the question.

 

“Cas?” He asked, scrunching his eyebrows together.

 

“How much did you drink? Should I call Dad?”

 

“Sammy,” he said instead, sighing with the realization of who was calling. “A little early, isn’t it?”

 

“Noon is early?”

 

“It’s noon?” Dean asked, looking around the room as if someone would suddenly materialize to confirm it.

 

“Uh, yeah. It’s almost ten after ten here, which means it’s ten after twelve there. Seriously, man, should I call Dad? Or maybe Mom?”

 

“No, Sammy. I don’t need a damn babysitter,” he groused.

 

“It’s Sam,” he said flatly. “And I was just asking.”

 

“You call just to give me shit?”

 

“Well, not the only reason. I wanted to see if you’re still alive. Haven’t heard from you in about a week. Thought maybe you were doing the wicked witch routine and got stuck somewhere.”

 

“Cute. Well, that would’ve been impossible, Mr. Magoo. She got hit by a house. I don’t see a house suddenly appearing in a garage.”

 

“I don’t know. Those tornadoes aren’t anything to joke about. Remember how the tree knocked down Grandpa’s garage when we were little?”

  
  


“Oh, yeah,” Dean chuckled. “You were crying you didn’t want to go to Oz.”

 

“Fuck you and I was eight,” Sam retorted with a scoff.

 

Dean laughed softly so not to irritate his head which was developing a nice headache. “So when you coming to visit? Or have you forgotten about us here, bitch?”

 

“That’s what I’m calling actually calling about, jerk. I was gonna come 1home for like two weeks.”

 

“That’s it? Two weeks?”

 

“Yeah, I start a project here at the end of the month for my scholarship.”

 

“You don’t even have a summer off?” He scoffed.

 

“Not if I want to stay eligible for it,” Sam reminded him. “So, you wanna come get me?”

 

“Just as long as you’re not expecting me to fly to California and get your ass.”

 

“I know better than to think you’ll fly.”

 

Dean hummed in agreement, rubbing at his eye with his finger. “Text me the details. Once you got them, I mean.”

 

Sam chuckled. “You gonna pass out again for a couple more hours?”

 

“No, smart ass. Your big mouth woke me up,” he laughed at his own joke.

 

“Oh, you’re hilarious,” Sam deadpanned.

 

“Guess I’ll let you go so I can find something to eat. Text me the info,” he reminded Sam.

 

“Yes,  _ Dad _ .”

 

“Bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

Dean smiled as he hung up, laying his phone on the nightstand. It would be good to see his brother again. It had at least been April or May since they saw each other last. While he was wholly proud of him, he still missed seeing his ugly mug every day. Texts and phone calls weren’t always enough. Flopping back on the mattress, he sighed deeply as he knew sleep wouldn’t come again. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he ran a hand over his hair a few times in thought of what he had planned for the day but nothing came to mind. Sometimes he hated weekends. His mind drifted to Cas, wondering about this mystery guy again and if Cas was spending the day with him. Try as he might to find out any information about the guy, Cas didn’t seem willing to answer the questions. But at least Cas talked to him some, even if the conversation still felt as if it were their last goodbyes to each other. He tried thinking of something else so he didn’t start crying again. God, he was pathetic.

 

In the days following the phone call, he tried his best not letting his confusion get the best of him. He had meant it when he said he was letting Dean go. Or maybe he had meant it at the time. As usual, Dean only heard what he wanted to hear, refusing to acknowledge he even heard Cas’ words. Each time he thought he was making headway in getting over Dean, something always set him back. For whatever reason, Matthew was nothing but understanding, even when he should have been angry about the wavering emotions in Cas. How he even earned such faithfulness Cas didn't know. In an effort to ease Cas’ mind, Matthew had surprised him with a romantic getaway to San Diego’s Inn at Rancho Santa Fe. Despite the allure of the city, they barely left their room the three days they were there. And Cas absolutely loved it. Matthew’s intention had been to get Cas to forget all about the phone call as well as Dean, and it worked perfectly. In those three days, not once did Dean cross his mind. But, unfortunately, the weekend went by too fast and they were forced to return to the real world. Returning to work meant staying later than usual just play catch up. They still had dinner together but was able to do little else due to needing to getting up early the next morning.

 

By the following weekend, he wished they were able to escape again. It had been so nice not having to worry about anything other than each other. Matthew seemed just as down when he came over and the two of them made dinner together. Trying to recreate their weekend away, Cas turned off their phones before they hid away in Cas’ bedroom with no plans to come out until Sunday night the latest.

He loved spending weekends in bed, especially with Matthew as they talked, made sweet lazy love, and shared a late breakfast. Sunday morning, he woke up to Matthew laying on his side and watching him.

 

“How long have you been awake?” Casa asked, his voice scratchy.

 

“Not long. Maybe twenty minutes. Did you know you hum when you sleep?” He chuckled.

 

Cas blushed as he covered his face with the comforter. “Please tell me you're joking?”

 

“It's adorable. I couldn't tell what tune it was. Next time I'll record you.”

 

Cas looked at him in horror. “Don't you  _ dare _ , Matthew James, ” he warned.

 

Matthew laughed softly, pulling Cas closer towards him and kissed him on the temple. “No, ” Cas teased, turning his head in teasing to look away.

 

“Aw, don't be mad at me, baby, ” Matthew cooed.

 

“Well… I suppose.”

 

“Please?” He kissed Cas’ temple again.

 

Cas turned his head so he could look at him, smiling as he freed a hand from under the comforter, stroking Matthew’s cheek with the back of his hand. “I do love it when you beg.”

 

“Oh yeah? I love it when you beg.”

 

Matthew kissed him softly as Cas scooted closer and finally on top of him. Matthew’s dragged his fingertips up and down Cas’ back, causing Cas to squirm lightly as goosebumps broke out on his body. After a few more minutes of kissing, Matthew broke contact and rolled so Cas was on his back, neither breaking contact. Cas hummed softly as Matthew chuckled.

 

Cas sighed in mock frustration, knowing exactly why he was laughing. “Matthew, ” he warned once they broke contact.

 

“Singing me another song?” He asked, tickling Cas’ sides.

 

Cas squealed before laughing and squirming. “Matthew!”

 

Matthew stopped tickling and returned to kissing him. Once he moved to Cas’ neck, Cas hummed again as he chuckled. Matthew grinned at him as he started kissing further down Cas’ body. Kissing his collarbone. Then kissed his chest. Moving down to kiss above his belly button and then under it. Cas’ breathing quickened as Matthew moved between his legs as Cas ran his fingers through Matthew’s hair.

 

“Oh… Matthew, ” Cas moaned softly.

 

Matthew used the tip of his tongue to lick a stripe down Cas’ partial erection. “Is that what you want?” He teased.

 

“Please? Oh, baby. Please?” Cas moaned, squirming again for a different reason.

 

Matthew flicked his tongue up and down Cas’ quickly growing erection. Cas arched his back slightly as he moaned again, his fingers continuing to run through Matthew’s hair. Matthew gently started playing with Cas’ balls just as he took Cas fully in his mouth. Cas moaned louder, eyes closed as he moaned Matthew’s name. With his free hand, Matthew stroked Cas’ shaft as he just licked the head. Cas pulled Matthew’s hair as his hips rose to meet his mouth.

 

Matthew pulled off Cas and looked up at him. “Do you want to come in my mouth or on my cock?”

 

Cas whimpered both at the loss from Matthew’s mouth as well as from the question. How the hell was he supposed to know? He loved both ways. “I… “

 

“What will it be?” Matthew asked, licking another stripe on Cas’ cock while still stroking him. “Mouth… cock… fingers?” He asked in between each lick.

 

Each stroke and lick rendered Cas speechless. The only response he mustered was a breathy moan and a garbled attempt at talking.

 

“I know you love my fingers, ” Matthew whispered. “You love my cock… you love my mouth. Just tell me what you want.”

 

“OH!” Casa moaned, his fingers gripping Matthew’s hair tighter. “F… I… OH!” Casa attempted to speak as Matthew took him inside his mouth again. He knew exactly what he was doing to Cas. Knowing he was making it impossible to speak. He removed his hand from Cas’ balls and brought them to his mouth and got the first two fingers wet before bringing his hand down to stroke along the outside of Cas’ hole. Cas’ moans got slightly more desperate.

 

“P-Please, ” Cas cried out.

 

Without a word, Matthew gently slipped his index finger in Cas, just to his first knuckle. Cas cried out which ended in a drawled out moan. The feeling of all three sensations was driving him wild. After a few minutes, Matthew gently pushed further inside him. Cas gasped as his hips moved upward again. He tried telling Matthew he needed more in the form of adding another finger but was unable to make his throat work. Somehow Matthew seemed to understand, adding his middle finger inside Cas. The bedroom was filled with the sounds of Cas’ whimperings and moans.

 

Matthew slid his fingers in and out of Cas as he continued sucking his cock. Cas’ moans got louder as his hips started moving again. It wasn't long before Matthew’s fingers stroked along his prostate. “There! THERE!” Cas shouted, pulling tightly on Matthew’s hair as if that kept his fingers from stopping. Matthew sucked harder as he fingered him harder. Cas cried out, nearly screaming a few times. He tried warning Matthew he was about to come but his body couldn't move, couldn't do anything but ride out wave after wave of ultimate pleasure. He cried out one last time as his body tensed up and he came hard in Matthew’s mouth. After riding out his orgasm, Cas practically melted into the mattress.

 

Matthew kissed inside each of Cas’ thighs as he removed his fingers from inside Cas, looking up at him with a smile. “Satisfied?”

 

“...Very…, ” he panted heavily.

 

Matthew got up on his hands and knees, crawling towards the head of the bed, plopping onto his stomach exhausted.

“You might have managed to be louder this time, ” he teased.

 

“Why do you insist on embarrassing me?” Casa asked, feeling his cheeks burning.

 

“Because it's cute, ” Matthew answered simply. “Did you want to have breakfast? I think you still had some frozen waffles left.”

 

“Waffles sound good. But we should shower first.”

 

“Is that an invitation?” Matthew smiled.

 

“Always, ” Cas answered quickly.

 

Once they got up and grabbed fresh clothes, it wasn't long before the shower included Matthew’s turn to scream. Afterward, making breakfast was filled with plenty of stolen kisses and touches to each other’s bodies. At one point, Matthew pinned him against the counter and kissed him breathless. Cas knew he had a dopey expression on his face but he simply didn't care. He was in love with his boyfriend and he knew he had Matthew's love.

 

“So,  _ someone _ has a birthday coming up next month. Have you thought about what you’d like to do?”

 

Cas beamed at him just for the mere thought of not having to spend his birthday alone. Not that he had ever spent a birthday alone between his family and Dean. But he didn't have Dean in the way he wanted him. Where they celebrated alone. Just the two of them tucked away for a more private celebration. He felt a frown forming as he slipped back out of his thoughts.

 

“You don't have to think of something right this very minute, ” Matthew assured him, mistaking the frown as a response to his question.

 

“What are my options?” Cas asked, hoping he sounded normal.

 

“Write down a couple ideas and we’ll go from there.”

 

“I’ll have to think about it.”

 

“What did you guys do last year?” He asked, getting up and grabbing their empty plates to the kitchen.

 

“Last year, my parents took me out to eat. Gabe and Amara both came over for cake…, ” he started.

 

Matthew’s soft snickering stopped Cas from finishing. “I would love to meet your brother. He sounds hilarious, ” he cut in.

 

“ _ He _ seems to think so. How Kali puts up with him is anyone’s guess.”

 

“Kali…? That's his wife, right?”

 

“Yes. They've been married a couple years now.”

 

“No kids?” Matthew asked, coming back to sit at the breakfast bar.

 

“I don't think either of them wants any. At least I never heard Gabe ever mentioning about wanting them. I don't know about Kali. But Amara has two, so he can play ‘favorite uncle’.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“Gabe has the candy, ” Cas chuckled.

 

“Well, you're my favorite, ” Matthew grinned, leaning closer for a kiss.

 

The conversation turned about they should spend the rest of the day together, deciding on hiking. Cas loved Matthew for his love of hiking and jogging, which they still did every morning during the weekdays to sneak a few minutes of being together before they both had to leave for work. Once the cleanup was done, they got ready to go, deciding to pick something up for lunch on the way and getting the cooler ready with additional drinks as well as cool compresses. A lesson learned after one of them rolled an ankle during extended hikes. Cas hoped there would be opportunities for them to sneak away together in the bushes.


	16. Chapter 16

He forgot how chaotic driving at the airport could be, between slamming on the brakes for dumbasses who pulled out right in front of him to keep an eye on the guy riding dangerously close to his rear bumper. It would be a miracle if he didn't end up punching the next asshat who grated on his nerves. Following the signs, he drove past the parking lot before deciding firmly he would not be parking Baby there. Outside of the extreme prices, he saw how close the cars were packed together. Like hell he was paying extortionate prices just to get her dinged up. Continuing to drive around, he found an alternate spot just outside of the Luggage Claim. Glancing at his watch, he had ten minutes before Sam’s plane touched ground. It was going to be great spending time with his brother for a couple of days, thanks to Missouri who gave him a few days off. The plan was Sam would be spending a couple days with him so Dean could show off his baby brother. Then a week back at their parents’ before Sam had to return to Palo Alto. The Winchester boys were going to paint the town. This would be the first time they shared a beer together, actually legally and not hidden from their parents.

 

Thumping on the top of the car had him jumping, hearing laughter. Dean glared in the direction of the passenger side, seeing just a partial body but no doubt it was Sam. Getting out, he shot him a full glare as they stepped towards the trunk.

 

“Don't abuse the car, Sammy, ” he warned, unlocking the trunk.

 

“Nice seeing you, too, Dean, ” Sam’s amused smile in place, sliding his backpack off his shoulder as he laid his carry-on in the trunk.

 

“That's it? Two bags?”

 

“I'm only here for two weeks. Plus, there's these great inventions called a  _ washer _ and  _ dryer _ .”

 

“You know I don't have laundry hookup, right?”

 

“You've got a laundromat, right? Or do you wash your skivvies in the bathtub?”

 

“Still trying to be funny, Sammy? Keep it up and I'll make you walk home.”

 

“Good luck explaining  _ that _ to Dad, ” Sam retorted.

 

“Just get in, smartass, ” Dean sighed.

 

Once they both got in the car, Dean looked over at him for a few minutes. “Good seeing you, too, Sammy, ” he clapped him on the shoulder, squeezing affectionately.

 

The drive back to their parents’ house was spent catching up on the last few months. It brought a smile to Dean as he listened to Sam excitedly talking about his classes, the friends he made, and even about the girl named Madison who caught his eye.

 

“You ask her out yet?” Dean asked, taking Sam's blush as a negative. “Why not, man?”

 

“I don't know if she's interested in me like that. We've had a couple of study groups together but she hasn't really…, ” he just shrugged.

 

“No glances? Or laughing at your stupid jokes?”

 

“That's  _ you _ who tells the stupid jokes. But, no. Nothing. Her friend told me Madison likes me. But who knows? I'm thinking of just asking her out when we’re back. What's the worst she can say, no?” He scoffed.

 

“What about her friend?”

 

“What, make a play for her friend? I'm not you, Dean, ” Sam shook his head.

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Dean asked defensively.

 

“You remember that cheerleader you asked out? Um… what was her name… Tina? You went out with her for a week before asking her friend out.”

 

Wow. He hadn't thought about Tina Lawson for years. During graduation, she glared at him through the entire ceremony while her friend, Jill, waved at him once or twice. “For the record, Sammy,  _ she _ broke up with  _ me _ first, okay? And two, it's not my fault her friend was cute, too.”

 

Sam shook his head again, smiling as he looked out the window. “What about Cas?”

 

Cas? Why was he bringing up Cas? They were talking about the hot cheerleaders. “What about him?”

 

“It's just that you haven't mentioned him. At least not for a couple of months. Are you guys fighting?”

 

Dean sighed softly, not wanting to get into trying to explain the mess with Cas. “It's complicated, Sammy.”

 

“So you guys  _ are _ fighting?”

 

“No. It's  _ complicated _ , ” he emphasized.

 

“What does that mean, complicated?”

 

“It means I don't wanna talk about it, ” Dean scoffed, turning up the radio’s volume.

 

Great. They were in the car for ten minutes and he was already irritated at both Sam for questioning him as well as Cas for making things complicated. He couldn't tell Sam the truth about what was going on with Cas or what was going on with him. He just couldn't. Neither one said anything the rest of the drive.

 

When they finally pulled into the driveway, their mom was practically rushing out the door with their dad in tow. As soon as they stepped out of the car, she rushed up to Sam and hugged him tightly, a bright smile on her face. Dean came around the car, his own smile on his face as he watched them.

 

“I missed you, too, Mom, ” Sam greeted her.

 

“How was your flight?” John asked, taking his turn to hug him once she released him.

 

“Not bad, ” Sam answered.

 

Mary began fussing after both her sons as they made their way inside. As mothers normally do, she questioned them about everything, commenting about Sam needing a haircut or how tired Dean looked. Typical worried ‘mother mode’ as the boys called it. Dean hadn't realized how much he missed sitting at the kitchen table with his brother and their dad while their mom prepared them all a late lunch. It had just been a few short months since the last time but it may as well had been years. Everything was changing. Everyone was changing. But it felt as if he were stuck without anything making a difference. And he hated it.

 

He hadn't realized how deep he was lost in his thoughts until he felt a hand on his arm. He blinked a few times as returned to the present, smiling in return when he saw his mom smiling at him with questions in her eyes. He just nodded, letting her know he was okay.

 

“Have you talked to Cas?” Mary asked softly.

 

Dean quickly glanced at Sam, hoping he didn't hear. Unfortunately, he had from the expression on his face. Fuck. “Uh, yeah. I talked to him a couple days ago.”

 

“Really?” She asked, sounding hopeful.

 

“Yeah. Just a few minutes, he was out with his boyfriend. I didn't wanna crash it or anything.” Dean glanced at Same again, quickly looking away when their gazes met.

 

“Aw, sweetheart, that's great. I hope you'll keep trying to stay in touch. Naomi says Matthew is very nice. Polite and respectful. He sounds great.”

 

“Yeah. Great, ” Dean says flatly. “Dude, why are you staring?” He snaps at Sam.

 

“No reason, ” Sam grinned, knowing how much more it would irritate him.

 

Dean huffed, standing up quickly. He went to the fridge, grabbing a beer before slamming the fridge and leaving the kitchen. He needed fresh air, hearing his mom calling out lunch would be ready in fifteen minutes.

 

He had to stop himself from slamming the front door on his way out. Once outside, he popped open the beer and noisily slurped as he drank, walking across the yard towards the Impala. As hard as he tried not to look across the street at the familiar green colored house, his eyes just instantly zeroed on it. He pulled himself up to sit on the trunk, his feet resting on the bumper as he continued to watch the house, half expecting to see Cas walking across the street. Goddamn, he missed him. Missed having breakfast with him. Missed trying to explain the rules of each sports game he forced Cas to watch, hoping  _ one _ of them would pique his interest. Missed their talks. Missed hearing his voice every day. Just… missed  _ him _ .

 

Since hearing about this new guy in Cas’ life, Dean had a million questions in his mind. He heard what his mom said about the guy but Dean wanted to hear it from Cas. Did the guy know Cas hated being alone when it thundered? Or how Cas scrunched his nose at the idea of missing coffee? Did he make sure Cas ate, not knowing how easily he got lost in his work? Did the guy know anything about Cas?

 

“So are you pissed?” Sam's voice came from beside him.

 

“About what?” Dean asked, scooting over to make room for him on the trunk.

 

“I don't know, ” Sam answered, sliding next to him, taking the beer from Dean and taking a sip.

 

Dean huffed softly, a small smile starting as he watched him drink. “I don't know if I'll ever get used to seeing you drink.”

 

Sam looked at him with his own smile in place, handing Dean back the beer. “That means you won't be taking me out when we get to your place?”

 

“You still sure you wanna stay with me? I'd be glad to have you, man. But the town isn't even big enough to have a Walmart. You'll be bored in ten minutes.”

 

“I'm positive, Dean. I miss hanging out with you. Besides, it's just for like two days, right? I can handle ‘boring’ for two days.”

 

“Yeah, if you're sure, ” Dean shrugged, turning his head in the direction of a lawn mower just starting down the street.

 

Neither said anything for a few long minutes. But Dean sensed a question about Cas was building between them. “I fucked it up, ” Dean finally said, unable to take the silence any more. He felt Sam's curiosity crawling on his skin since the airport.

 

Sam didn't say anything, waiting for Dean to continue on his own rather than dragging it out of him.

 

“What…. what if I told you me and Cas… that we did things? I mean, that we did them together? What would you say?”

 

Sam’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion for a few minutes before realization hit him. “I'd tell you it wouldn't make a difference. You're still my big brother and I love you, ” he answered truthfully, keeping his gaze off him, knowing it would make Dean even more uncomfortable. Like whatever he would say any further would wrongfully be judged.

 

Dean chewed his bottom lip, still looking away. “I don't think… I mean, I… I'm… I guess I'm trying to say I'm…, ” he stopped, exhaling sharply, feeling tears starting to burn his eyes.

 

“I know, ” Sam assured him gently.

 

Dean looked at him quickly. “You know? What do you mean you know? What do you know?” He asked, almost sounding accusatory.

 

“About you… Cas. I mean I don't actually  _ know _ what happened. But… I know how you feel about him.”

 

“How…?” Dean whispered, staring at him with wide eyes.

 

“Because I know you, Dean. The way you are around him. The way you look at him. I know how you were with Meg. You're doing it with Cas, too. Always have.”

 

“What…. what are you seeing?” Had he been obvious to everyone but himself? It had only been the last few months he was able to figure out what he had been feeling. How the hell did Sam notice?  _ What _ did Sam notice?

“Did you tell Mom or Dad?” He asked, suddenly panicking.

 

“C'mon, Dean, ” Sam scoffed. “You know me better than that. Of course not. I just figured you're not ready to say anything.”

 

“How'd you get so smart on the topic?” Dean asked.

 

“What, you think gay people don't go to college?” Sam chuckled with his joke. “My neighbors are a gay couple. I have a few gay friends. You're not exactly my first contact with a gay guy.”

 

“I'm not gay, ” Dean corrected without thinking. “I'm bisexual.” The admission left him wide-eyed and jaw slightly dropped.

 

“What?” Sam asked, seeing Dean's panicked expression. “Never said it before?”

 

“No. I mean I thought I was. Cas told me he thought I was. But I never said I was out loud.” And now he wasn't sure how he felt since he had said it. To his baby brother of all people. But Sam's earlier statement about it not changing anything warmed him. Not that he had reason to fear anything. “Just promise me you won't tell Mom and Dad. I need to be the one to tell them. I'm just not there yet, you know?” Dean rubbed the back of his neck shyly.

 

“It's nothing to be ashamed about. Hell, you're best friends with a gay guy and they had no problem when Cas told them, ” Sam pointed out.

 

“Yeah, but Cas isn't their son, you know? Accepting someone being… not straight is different when it's your own kid.”

 

“Says who? I know there's parents out there who can't accept the fact their kids are ‘not straight’. But that's not Mom and Dad. You know I'm not going to say anything, Dean. Not until you say I can.”

 

Dean visibly relaxed. “I just gotta find the right time, is all.” Just the idea of telling their parents sent his heart racing. Once he told them, did he have to tell others? Or could he just tell them and no one else?

 

It wasn't about thinking it was wrong. He knew Kansas was conservative, growing up and hearing some horror stories about gay bashing. Did he really want to chance bringing that drama onto himself? And what about his job? He knew some states allowed employers to fire employees who were gay but didn't know if Kansas was one of them. Nor did he know how Rufus would respond if he suddenly announced he was bisexual. No, for now, it was best just to keep it close to the chest.

 

“Is that what you're fighting about with Cas?” Sam asked breaking into Dean's thoughts.

 

“No. Well, kinda, I guess, ” Dean shrugged, trying to act casual. “I reacted poorly to something.”

 

“Him being in love with you?”

 

For the second time, Dean looked at Sam in disbelief. “What?”

 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh, C'mon, Dean. You had to have known that, right? The guy wasn't exactly subtle.” He gave Dean a look of disbelief.

 

“I… I don't wanna answer that, Sammy, ” Dean told him softly, hoping he wouldn't have to.

 

“Fair enough, ” Sam agreed. “But you and Cas were safe, right?”

 

“Fuck's sake, Sam, ” Dean sighed, looking away and squirming uncomfortably.

 

“It's a legitimate question. I don't want either of you guys to get hurt, Dean. But you haven't exactly lived a celibate life, you know?”

 

Dean wondered what he would say if he knew about Tiffany. Probably give him that bitchface he liked giving so much. “Yes, all right? We were safe, ” he answered softly, leaning forward slightly so he looked past Sam, making sure their parents weren't within earshot. He sat back once he was confident they were still alone.

 

Sam didn't answer, just nodded with relief at Dean's answer. He hoped Dean practiced safe sex but also knew he couldn't ask him directly. No way would Dean candidly talk about anything sexual to him. Maybe just him bragging about actually getting laid or how hot the woman was. But nothing which entailed feelings and emotions. Sam was surprised Dean had even confided in him about being bisexual. But just how matter-of-factly Dean sounded when confessing he was bisexual. The news wasn't in the least surprising or shocking, not if one had ever spent time simply watching Dean and Cas together. Nothing painstakingly obvious he was able to pinpoint unless you knew Dean and his aversion for showing any type of affection publicly. But spending abundant amounts of time with both Dean and Cas, it awarded him plenty of opportunities at witnessing the affection between the two friends.

 

He still felt waves of nervousness coming off his brother as they continued sitting together. It was these small moments which meant a great deal to him and moments he missed. Despite their four-year age difference, Sam honestly counted Dean as being one of his best friends. He was touched Dean felt comfortable enough to confide in him. He was truthful when he told Dean their parents their parents wouldn't have a problem with Dean's sexuality. But it wouldn't matter how much he reassured Dean, he needed to accept it for himself. Sam just promised him silently he would be there by his brother's side, always.

 

“We should probably head in. Mom'll worry we ran off without saying goodbye, ” Dean said ten minutes later, already sliding down off the trunk, his feet softly hitting the pavement.

 

Sam knew essentially any further discussions were cut off. He wondered if reaching out to Cas would help, letting Cas know if he needed a friend, Sam would be there for him. Would Dean appreciate the gesture, or would he become angry? Sam already knew the answer.

 

“When did you want to leave tomorrow?” Sam asked, sliding off the trunk as well, following Dean back towards the house.

 

“After breakfast, probably. Mom'll cook a mountain of food, no doubt. Probably forgot how to cook for four, ” he chuckled, throwing an arm across Sam's shoulders.

 

The next few days went by too quickly for Dean. As promised, Dean showed Sam around town, introducing him to his fellow mechanics, especially Tim. The three of them had gone for beers. Just as Dean said, Sam had been less than impressed with the bar in town, referring to it as a ‘rec room with a bar’, which described the building perfectly. It had been with a heavy heart after the two days were over he was driving Sam back to Lawrence, Dean ignored the prickling in his eyes, vowing he wouldn't openly cry. Sam battled his own emotions during the drive. The conversation had been at a standstill, each of them just wanted to spend time together, even if they didn't utter a single word between them.

 

The apartment now felt twice as lonely. Once again, he was left alone with his thoughts. After his conversation with Sam, returning swirling worries of Sam rejecting him added to the mix. Once or twice he woke up with tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn't remember the nightmare itself but it left him shaking. Sleep wouldn't be coming anytime soon, deciding to distract himself by watching TV. Grabbing his robe from the foot of the bed, he stepped into his slippers on his way to the living room, plopping heavily on the couch. He sighed softly as he sat in the darkened room, the only light came in through the window from the moonlight, laying his head back against the back of the couch and studied the ceiling.

 

He still wasn't entirely used to the sounds of the neighborhood at the late hour. The barking of a neighbor's dog. The sounds of passing cars. Or the occasional sound of voices. The neighborhood of the apartment in Lawrence was noisier, a few other residents worked odd hours so it hadn't been unheard of hearing car doors shutting or engines starting. But Lebanon wasn't Lawrence.

 

And not for the first, Dean wondered if he had made a mistake in moving. He could have easily worked for Bobby at the salvage yard. Help was always needed in either the yard or the adjoining auto garage Bobby also owned.

Maybe he would give Bobby a call, just to casually ask if he needed help.

 

He didn't know what was wrong with him. Why he suddenly was questioning his decisions. Maybe Sam's visit triggered his sense of dissatisfaction, no doubt his loneliness wasn't helping. Sam was four years younger and pretty much had his whole life mapped out. Then here Dean was, sitting in the dark in his robe at three in the morning, questioning his life. He wasn't suicidal or even depressed… meh, yeah all right. Maybe a tad depressed. But he was doing all right, or at least that's what people told him. Maybe he should have joined the Army like his dad. Be out there seeing the world on the government's dime.

 

Of course, the idea of having bullets whizzing by your head at any given time was a huge downfall. He knew somewhat about shooting guns. Well, rifles to be exact. Bobby had taught both him and Sam all about hunting. Dean still had the picture of his first deer at ten years of age. Dean’s wide grin almost hid the fact Sam's eyes were red from crying over how Dean killed Bambi's mother. Even once he got older, Sam never enjoyed hunting. Dean didn't really either but loved spending time with Bobby.

 

Then for whatever reason, Bobby introduced Dean to the world of car engines and neither one looked back since. Everything about working on cars Dean loved. Even when he got frustrated with customers who tried some interesting ideas just to avoid paying for any type of car maintenance. His favorite one was still the college kid who duct taped flashlights to the front of his car where the headlights were to go. He had gotten the idea from the Internet. The flashlight idea worked… for about a week until he ran off the road and hit a tree. Now he needed a completely new radiator on top of two new headlights. It was the stupid ones who gave him job security.

  
  


As August crawled along, he still had no idea what he wanted to do for his birthday, didn't even have an inkling. In the past, Dean always took him to an Italian restaurant after they visited the Museum of Natural History on the University of Kansas campus, knowing how much Cas loved both. Now that he lived in L.A., he felt he should probably do something else for fun. But what that fun  _ was _ he had no idea. Matthew wasn't offering any ideas either, just kept telling him whatever he wanted to do.

 

One particular night while on the phone with Matthew, Cas jokingly said he wanted to go to Disneyland. Rather than laughing as Cas expected, he was stunned when Matthew said to consider it done. Cas just chuckled, believing it had been a joke as well. He really did. But the weekend before his birthday, Matthew surprised him with two days at one of the park's beautiful resorts. Cas had been actually surprised at how much there was to do for adults. Shopping, dining, coffee shops, visiting the spa, which probably looked comical as he tried unsuccessfully sitting still through the pedicure without losing his mind from ticklish agony, his laughter filling the room. After five minutes, Cas ended up begging the woman to stop, unable to take any more, much to the amusement of both the woman and Matthew. Thankfully, the massage went a lot better after Cas instructed the masseuse to avoid touching his thighs, even if Matthew spent the rest of the day teasing him about his sensitivity. Despite the embarrassment, the weekend had been fabulous and regrettably ended too fast. Matthew promised they would return again when Cas frowned when they checked out.

 

His birthday just happened to fall on a Monday, which meant he would be spending most of the day at work as well as having to endure meetings, along with phone calls from both his parents and his siblings. Last Thursday, he received a care package from his parents filled with a few of his favorite sweets. Both Gabriel and Amara included their presents as well. He planned on opening them once he got home. Opening gifts from Gabriel were wise to do in private, his brother having an often time questionable sense of humor. Gabriel had no qualms sending Cas different items from an adult store, firmly believing Cas was still a virgin. Gifts from his brother often left Cas blushing terribly. Thankfully, Amara's gifts canceled out Gabe's. Her gifts were always on the practical side. Items which Cas actually found useful. Continuing to get ready for work as he listened to his mother, he barely listened as she rambled on. He just kept telling her ‘uh huh’ every few minutes. He had to end the call if he had hopes of getting to work on time.

 

He foolishly believed no one knew of his birthday at work, never liked being the center of attention. But not everyone was friends with Charlie and Abbie either. The second he

arrived at his desk, he saw a few wrapped presents sitting on his desk. He nearly jumped out of his skin when both women surprised him with noisemakers and sung him  _ Happy Birthday _ , much to his embarrassment. The biggest surprise came from Brady who smiled shyly at him and wished him a happy birthday. Cas smiled in return as he thanked him.

 

“So?” Charlie asked, patting him on the arm to get his attention.

 

“What?” Cas asked, sitting down with another smile at the presents.

 

“So, open your presents, ” Charlie told him with an exasperated sigh.

 

“Oh, and Cas?” Abbie interjected, typing away on her laptop. “Don't worry about dinner. Tonight is our treat.”

 

“What?” Cas asked, not understanding.

 

“Dinner, ” she repeated with a suspicious smile. “Of course we get the ‘boyfriend discount’.”

 

“We're having dinner at Matthew's restaurant?”

 

“Of course, ” Charlie answered. “We even arranged for him to be our server.”

 

“But… he's a sous chef. He doesn't serve the customers, ” he said slowly, trying to understand.

 

“Tonight he is, ” Abbie informed him. “Now, we'll come to get you at six.”

 

“I am able to drive myself, ” he frowned.

 

“Not on your birthday, Novak. Stick to the plans, ” Charlie playfully chastised, even wagging her finger while smiling.

 

“Yes, ma'am, ” he chuckled, pretending to pout.

 

Truthfully, he was truly touched the women went through the trouble of planning anything for him. “Should I open these now?” He asked, running his fingertips over the shiny wrapped gifts.

 

“Nope. Those are for tonight. Just be ready at six, ” Abbie instructed.

 

Cas tried not letting his curiosity get the best of him during the rest of the day. But it was so damn hard when there were presents. He may not have liked being the center of attention but always loved presents. He finally decided to call it a day around four o'clock, making sure he had plenty of time to get ready. Charlie hugged him before he left, promising she would see him later.

 

The minute he walked through his door, he practically dropped everything by the door, so damn curious about what the presents were. He guessed they would be clothes as they large enough. But how would the girls know his size? He smiled and shook his head as the answer came to him-- Matthew. He could have gone through Cas’ closet at any time he was there. Bringing the boxes to the couch, he sat down and set the boxes in front of him on the coffee table.

 

“All right, Matthew James. Let's see what you chose for me, ” he said out loud.

 

Unwrapping the first box, he balled up the discarded paper and set it aside. His eyes widened as he saw the department store's name emblazoned on the lid, hoping Matthew decided to use the box rather than actually buy the gift from the store, recognizing the name of the high-end clothing shop. But knowing Matthew, Cas had a feeling the clothes were bought there. Shaking the lid loose, he nervously bit his bottom lip as he flipped the tissue paper open. Inside was a beautiful Prussian blue button down shirt. He was almost hesitant to touch it, fearing he would somehow ruin it.

 

“Oh, Matthew, ” he whispered in stunned disbelief. “What did you do?”

 

He gently removed it from the box, instantly loving the feel of the material. Carefully, he laid it back down, feeling his eyes prickling as he hesitated again to open the second box. Clearing his throat, he unwrapped the box, laying a hand against his cheek nervously as he flipped back the tissue paper again. Now he was looking at a black pair of pleated pants from the same clothing shop. He was still stunned Matthew obviously spent so much on him. Especially on top of the weekend trip to Disneyland.

 

Early on their relationship, Cas learned Matthew came from a wealthy background. He attended one of the top culinary schools to become a sous chef with hopes of opening his own restaurant one day. Matthew wanted to get a few years experience of working under the direction of someone else before trying to strike out on his own. Cas remembered meeting Matthew's family for the first time, how nervous he was despite Matthew's reassurances. But the second Cas met Julia, all his nervousness disappeared. Julia was truly welcoming of him, even taking his arm as she led him towards the patio where she had lunch waiting for them. The afternoon was spent listening to stories about Matthew's childhood, much to the embarrassment of Matthew. Cas even shared a few of his own childhood stories. Cas enjoyed meeting Matthew's mom even if he felt out of place. Matthew seemed relieved his mom took to Cas so easily. He remembered Matthew mentioning past boyfriends who his mother simply did not like.

 

The soft chiming on his phone and the accompanying vibration alerted him about an incoming text. Leaning back against the couch, he pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket, smiling when he saw it was from Matthew.

 

**_Happy Birthday, Gorgeous_ **

 

**What did you do, Matthew?**

 

**_Nothing less than what my man deserves_ **

 

**You didn't need to spend so much!**

 

**_Ut. No talking back on your birthday. Just accept it, put it on, and look even more gorgeous if that's even possible._ **

 

**Fine. Just remember** **your** **birthday is next.**

 

**_Not until February._ **

 

**I'm a very patient man.**

 

**_Uh huh. Unless we're stuck in traffic._ **

 

**Well…**

 

**_Stop stalling and get ready. I love you and will see you soon._ **

 

No further messages came after that. Cas sighed, grabbing both boxes and carried them with him to the bedroom. Setting them on the bed, he started undressing as he walked to the closet, looking down to the selection of shoes on the closet floor. Which ones was he supposed to wear? Obviously, he knew he couldn't wear his running shoes. But that still left five pairs to choose from. He decided just to take his shower first and decide afterward.

 

Wrapped in a towel around his waist, he padded back to his room to get dressed. He gave the shoes a disapproving glance as he pulled out a pair of socks and sat at the foot of the bed. He paused for a moment when he heard the front door closing, listening for footsteps to let him know who it was.

 

“Cas?”

 

Cas relaxed, continuing with putting his socks on. “In here, Charlie, ” he called back.

 

A few minutes later, she stood in the doorway. “Hey, bitches, ” she told him with her usual greeting.

 

“Is it six already?” He asked, looking at his watch, worried he was running behind.

 

“No, we got about an hour. Matthew thought you'd be nervous and asked me to come by so you'd stop freaking. Are you unfreaked?” She asked with a smile.

 

He chuckled softly. “Yes, I'm unfreaked.”

 

“You need help picking out shoes?” She asked, pointedly looking at his feet.

 

“Yes, please.” His phone rang as she walked to the closet and sat down. “Hello?” He answered without looking at the Caller ID.

 

“Hey, man. Happy birthday.”

 

For a moment, he froze. “... Dean…, ” he whispered, glancing at Charlie and saw she was now looking at him. He bowed his head to avoid looking at her.

 

“Yeah. I just wanted to call and tell you happy birthday. Am I interrupting?”

 

He doubted Dean cared if he was. “Um, no. No, you're not. I'm just getting ready.”

 

“Night out on the town?”

 

“Something like that, yes,” Cas answered, hating the way his stomach still fluttered at the sound of Dean's voice.

 

“Did Sammy call you? He said he was gonna once he was out of class.”

 

“Oh. No, I don't believe so. He doesn't need to bother with calling.”

 

“Yeah, well, you know Sammy. He says he's gonna do something, he does it.”

 

“He's always been dependable, ” Cas agreed, instantly regretting the words. Dean had always been dependable, too. Until that morning he left without a word.

 

If Dean was insulted by the comment, he didn't say. “Mom wanted me to ask about a card she sent?”

 

“I haven't checked the mail yet today. We got back pretty late last night.”

 

“Back? Were you gone?”

 

“Um, Matthew took me to Disneyland for the weekend for my birthday. We spent most of the day at the park yesterday.” He didn't know why he was telling Dean that. It was no longer his business what he did.

 

Dean was quiet for a few long minutes. “Oh. That's, uh, great. Yeah, that sounds fun. I know you've always said you wanted to go. I'm glad you got to go, ” he said unconvincingly.

 

That wasn't entirely true. Cas said he wished to go with him sometime. To actually visit both parks, the one in Anaheim as well as the one in Orlando. When he told Disneyland, he was joking. Only Matthew believed he was serious and planned a romantic weekend for them. Now Cas almost felt guilty for going with Matthew instead of him.

 

“How are you, Dean?” Cas asked suddenly, hoping the change of topic would set him at ease.

 

“Good, ” Dean answered a tad too quickly. “I'll let you go, man. I don't wanna make you late for your own party, you know?” He scoffed softly. “I just wanted to call real quick and say Happy Birthday.”

 

“Dean, ” Cas said, trying to stop him.

 

“Night, Cas, ” Dean said softly before hanging up.

 

Cas sat for a few minutes still holding the phone before actually realizing Dean was gone, slowly lowering his hand and letting his phone drop to his lap. His eyes burned again, blinking to stop any tears which may have formed. When Charlie softly cleared her throat, he suddenly remembered she was still in the room, feeling his cheeks burning.

 

“Called to wish you a happy birthday?” She asked gently.

 

“Yeah, ” he nodded, forcing a smile. “His brother is supposed to call from what he said.”

 

“Oh, that's nice, right?”

 

“No, it is, ” Cas nodded again, not wanting to discuss Dean any further. “So, did you find shoes?” He asked, clearing his throat.

 

“Shoes, right. I like these ones, ” she informed him, holding them up slightly so he was able to see them.

 

They were nothing special. Just standard black loafers he had forgotten where he bought them from but they were comfortable and would go nicely with his outfit. He stood up and walked towards her grabbing the shoes and slipping them on.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Charlie asked, giving him a pitying look.

 

He could have pretended not to understand the meaning behind the question but decided to answer truthfully. “I appreciate it, Charlie, honestly. But I don't really want to think about Dean Winchester tonight. It's my birthday, ” he smiled at her, trying to show he was passed the phone call. “I'm going out with good friends. I have a gorgeous man waiting for me. And we're going to have fun, eat fantastic food, and hopefully drink plenty of wine.”

 

“Damn right, ” Charlie agreed.

 

“Now, let's continue getting me ready for my night.” He pushed all thoughts of Dean out of his mind, vowing he wouldn't give him another thought. If only it was that easy.


	17. Chapter 17

The night air was still felt heavy with the day's humidity from the heat wave which blanketed most of the Midwest for the last few days. He came outside in hopes of escaping both the stuffiness of the apartment as well as his thoughts since hanging up with Cas. The heat seemed to be feeding his anger and he needed an escape. Deciding he needed a drink, he went back inside to grab his wallet, seeing his phone still sitting on the table by his chair. After a mental debate, he decided against taking it with him. There was no one he wanted to talk to at that moment, walking away and slamming the door behind him.

 

The bar's interior hadn't improved in the last week since he had been there last. Not that he was expecting anything but maybe a new splash of paint just for shits would be nice. Anything besides the usual dried dung color it was now. Sliding in the barstool at the far end of the bar, he nodded once at the bartender, signaling for a beer. Tonight he was sticking with beer, doubting whiskey helped his temper which was still simmering. Glancing around, he saw maybe a total of six people sitting randomly around the bar, surprised there was even that many people on a Monday night.

 

Once the bartender brought his beer, Dean closed his eyes taking a long drink and relishing the feel of the beer's coldness washing over him. This was exactly what he needed. He glanced up at the television for a few minutes before his thoughts started running again. He wasn't really trying to begrudge Cas his happiness, he really wasn't. Nor was he really wanting to think about why he hated Faceless Matthew. This fucking heat wave was making him lose his mind and nothing good was coming from it. He just needed to go to bed, nodding slightly as he decided that would be his next course of action. He quickly took a few more drinks of his beer before heading out the door.

 

Thankfully, a break from the humidity came over the next few days, even finally raining. It felt so fucking good, he stood out in the drizzle a few times to cool down when the garage became too humid. When his lunch break came, he just sat in the doorway of the bay and ate his lunch. Tim came over and joined him, sitting on the ground across from him.

 

“Your brother make it back okay?”

 

“Yeah, he called me the other day when he got home. Said to tell you thanks for putting up with me, ” Dean chuckled.

 

“Occupational hazards, ” Tim teased.

 

“Hey, piss off, ” Dean chuckled.

 

“But seriously, man. You got yourself a good brother, ” Tim said with a small smile, letting him know he meant it. “He said he's worried about you being all alone. What's he mean by that?”

 

Dean frowned as he sighed, worried what else Same might have told him. “Nothing, ” Dean shrugged, trying to dismiss Sam's concerns.

“It's nothing, ” he sighed again, seeing Tim was still waiting for an answer. “Just sometimes depression kicks my ass.” Neither one said anything for a few minutes. “I'm not suicidal, dude. So you don't gotta worry I'm sticking my head in the oven or anything. I just get… I dunno… down?”

 

He looked out towards the street, not wanting to see Tim's pitying looks. He never felt in danger of harming himself or doing anything reckless. Mostly he just hid in himself, not really interested in doing anything. Now he thought about it, it kind of explained his recent mood. Going to work was fine. It was afterward he hated. Sitting alone watching whatever. Or even going to bed alone. He sometimes still met with Tiffany for just a few hours of mindless pleasure. No harm in that as long as they were safe.

 

“Why don't you come over tonight for dinner? You can meet my cousin. Besides, what we'd be having is better than any nuked shit you'd be having all alone.”

 

“Yeah, all right. Sure your mom won't be mad?”

 

“You kidding me? The way she talks about you I swear she's got a crush, ” Tim scoffed, standing up.

 

“This the cousin that moved up here from Louisiana?” Dean asked, standing up as well and throwing his trash away.

 

“Benny, yeah. He's actually gonna be making dinner. Wait till you try it. Nothing here beats his cooking.”

 

“How's your mom taking that?”

 

“Loves it. Says it gives her more time to catch up on her sewing.”

 

“If someone tried taking over my mom's kitchen, she would knock them out with a frying pan, ” Dean laughed.

 

“I'm surprised she didn't fight him either, to be honest. He's a big boy like me but that wouldn't have scared her any. You saw my dad. He don't tangle with her too much.”

 

Tim's mom was all of five feet and wasn't scared to get on Tim or his dad if they stepped out of line. Which was comical the first time Dean witnessed her going after Tim's dad for forgetting some necessary ingredient at the store. Tim’s dad probably stood a good six-five.

 

“Yeah, so come around six. Dinner should be ready then, ” Tim told him, walking back to his area.

 

The rain stopped by the time the shop closed but everything was still damp. Dean was just thankful the humidity actually appeared to be back down. Maybe he would be able to sleep after all. He grabbed a quick shower before heading out to Tim's, trying to remember everything he had been told about Benny.

 

Dean knew Benny worked as a cook at some Cajun restaurant in Baton Rouge for the last few years. But why he decided to move to Lebanon, Kansas of all places was beyond Dean. There wasn't anything wrong with the town outside of endless amounts of boredom. Maybe he would invite Benny out for a beer sometime since Tim being equally courteous during Sam's visit.

 

He slowly drove over the driveway of the farmhouse, deep ruts in the gravel were filled now with water which did nothing at stopping the Impala from rocking, making Dean nervous. After about five minutes, the dingy white farmhouse came into view. Tim's truck was parked in front of an equally dingy barn across from the house. A nice looking dark green Jeep was next to the truck, probably belonging to Benny. Who knew cooks made that kind of money to afford a Jeep like that.

He ended up backing in next to Tim's truck. As he stepped out of the car and walked closer to the house, something from inside smelled good enough to make Dean's mouth water. He knocked on the metal screen door. Tim's mom greeted him with her usual smile.

 

“Timmy said you would be joining us.”

 

“Hope that's okay, ” Dean said, stepping inside, latching the screen door shut behind him.

 

Not wanting to track mud through the house, he bent down to untie his shoes, setting them on the mat with the other shoes. He blinked in surprise when the minute he stood up, she cupped his face gently. “You're always welcome here, dear. Now, the boys are in the front room.”

 

Dean smiled as he walked through the kitchen. Whatever was on the menu for dinner, it smelled great. Turning the corner towards the living room, he saw a broad-shouldered man sitting in the corner rocking chair. This obviously was Benny who turned his head as Dean stepped further into the room.

 

“Psst, Timmy, ” Benny stage-whispered. “We've got company.”

 

Dean felt frozen in place. The deep voice along with the accent absolutely stunned him.

 

Tim was stretched out on the couch, rolling on his side and looking up at Dean. “Hey, Dean. You made it, ” Tim greeted, sitting up. “This here's Benny. That's Dean. Sit down, man. Either here on the couch or in the chair, whichever you want.”

 

Dean glanced at Benny, choosing to sit in the recliner which was angled towards the TV. “Nice meeting you, Benny, ” Dean said politely. He just hoped he wasn't sounding as tongue-tied as he felt.

 

“Dean, ” Benny simply said.

 

_ Holy shit _ , the way his name just rolled off Benny's tongue. He tried not imaging other circumstances Benny could say his name. Tim wasn't lying when he described his cousin as being a big boy. Although there wasn't any fat on the guy. He would describe Benny as being muscled. Chancing another glance, Dean saw Benny looking right back at him with a hint of a smirk. Damn if the man didn't look hot. He also noticed Benny had blue eyes. Not as brilliant as Cas’ but a darker shade. As Benny's smirk widened, Dean felt idiotic for getting caught staring too long, suddenly looking away.

 

“I'm gonna some more brew from the cellar. You guys want one?” Tim asked, standing up.

 

Dean suddenly felt panicked about being alone with Benny. “You need any help?” Dean asked, praying the offer would be accepted.

 

“Nah, I'm good.”

 

Dean turned back to look at the television, closing his eyes as he prayed he wouldn't say anything stupid.

 

“So, you work with Timmy?” Benny asked.

 

“Uh, yeah, ” Dean answered, refusing to look to at him. “For a couple months now. I moved here at the end of June.”

 

“You from Kansas?”

 

“About three and a half hours from here in Lawrence. My parents still live there. What about you? You got family back in Baton Rouge?”

 

“Just my sister and mom. My dad's been gone for a few years. Sister’s got a couple kids.”

 

“What made you want to move here?” Dean asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

 

“Don't you like it here?” Benny countered.

 

The question had Dean looking back at him. “Yeah, I guess. I mean I moved here because of the shop.”

 

“Couldn't find one back home?”

 

“I could've probably worked for my dad's best friend, he has a garage in Lawrence. But he didn't need help at the time. So, I had to look elsewhere.” Dean answered.

 

Benny smiled rather than commenting or asking any further questions. Where the fuck was Tim? Dean looked away quickly again.

 

“You okay? You seem nervous, ” Benny asked.

 

“Nope, ” Dean answered quickly. “I’m fine.”

He heard Benny's deep chuckle, cursing himself when the sound went straight to his dick. It was going to be a long night.

 

“Alright, here we go, ” Tim finally returned, handing each of them a beer before sitting back down on the couch.

 

Tim flipped through the channels, stopping on some movie which Dean saw a hundred times but welcomed the distraction. A few unanswered questions lingered in his mind. Namely, if Benny was seeing anyone back in Baton Rouge. Which that gave him pause. Didn't he just tell Sam he wasn't ready to come forward and tell anyone he was bisexual? Now five minutes alone with Benny and he was suddenly acting as if they could be dating.

 

“I forgot to ask, man, if you like gumbo. If not, I'm sure we got something here, ” Tim asked.

 

“I don't think I've ever had it. What's in it?” Dean asked?

 

“Ask the chef, ” Tim teased, looking to Benny to answer.

 

“Gumbo's a stew, ” Benny explained. “I make two kinds, one's a meat stock and the other's a shellfish. I didn't know if you liked seafood after Timmy's said you were coming over. So, I made the one from meat. There's also vegetables in it plus peppers and onions.”

 

“Sounds good. Sure smelled damn good when I came in, I could smell it outside, ” Dean said, noting the appreciative smile on Benny's face.

 

_ Oh, shit _ , Dean groaned inwardly, praying his racing heart didn't mean what he thought it did. He did  _ not _ need to start developing a crush on yet another blue-eyed attractive man, having enough complications with Cas. But sure enough, the couple times he got a smile out of Benny, Dean felt his heart skip. He had to stop himself before he allowed himself to get carried away. One was able to appreciate attractiveness in another person without it meaning anything. He might just have met Benny but Dean somehow didn't believe Benny would be too happy knowing about a small possible crush Dean might be having.

 

“I'm checking the stew. Either of you need anything?” Benny asked, standing up.

 

Both Tim and Dean looked at each, shrugging and shaking their heads. “How much longer, you think?” Tim asked.

 

“Just gotta check the thickness. Give or take twenty minutes.”

 

“Man, I'm starving, ” Tim complained.

 

“Twenty minutes, Timmy, ” Benny chuckled, shooting a smile at Dean, heading towards the kitchen.

 

Dean turned back to the TV, trying to distract himself.

 

“So?” Tim whispered.

 

“Hmm?” Dean asked, not understanding the question.

 

“What you think about him?” Tim asked eyebrows lifted slightly in question.

 

“Oh.”  _ I think I'm getting a crush on your cousin. _ “He seems pretty cool, ” Dean answered.

 

“I was thinking of inviting him out with us on Friday. I mean if that's okay with you.”

 

“No, go ahead. I was thinking of doing the same to thank you for being nice to Sammy.”

 

“Your brother's cool, man. Wasn't a big deal.”

 

Benny came back and stood in the doorway. “Come on, Timmy. Grub's on. You, too, Dean, ” Benny smiled.

 

“About time. Man starve to death around here before he gets anything to eat, ” Tim grumbled with a smile as he stood up.

 

Dean stood up, following him to the kitchen. Somehow two more chairs were added to the kitchen table. He was directed to a chair only to end up having Benny sitting down next to him. Of course, just his luck. A few times Benny's knee bumped against his. But by the third time, Dean had a feeling it wasn't a mistake. Especially going by that smirk Benny wasn't bothering to hide. What the hell was going on? Dean decided it was best just to ignore whatever Benny was trying to do.

 

The gumbo turned out to be fantastic, Dean having two bowls. He softly included his own comments of how great it tasted as everyone started complimenting Benny. Another bump to his leg. This was too confusing. He couldn't simply move his leg, could he? But did he want to move away, was he enjoying the flirting? Wait, was Benny flirting? Dean felt his head spinning from all the questions

 

After everyone finished eating, Tim's parents left the three of them alone. Wanting to be a good guest, Dean helped Benny clean up and putting the leftovers away. Benny even insisted Dean pack himself some as well, claiming the stew was even better on the second day. After a few minutes, Dean realized he was alone with Benny again. For a moment, he panicked. He wasn't intentionally trying to be alone with the guy. But he couldn't seem to get his feet moving, feeling even more idiotic just standing there watching him.

 

After a few minutes, Benny noticed Dean hadn't moved. He glanced over his shoulder, adding dishes to the soapy water, smiling when he saw Dean still standing there. “You need something?”

 

“Uh, no. I was just gonna help clean up. Be a good guest, you know?” Dean answered, hating how unsure he sounded.

 

Benny scoffed softly. “I gotta admit, no one's  _ that _ good of a guest. I got this, chief. You go on and talk to Timmy, ” he assured Dean.

 

It took him a few more minutes before Dean had the ability to move, quickly turned to join Tim in the living room. Benny watched him walking away and smiled, muttering “I'll be, ” under his breath.

 

Tim was back on the couch, flipping through the channels when Dean sat down in the recliner. “Benny get you squared away?”

 

“What?” Dean asked, worried he saw something.

 

“Leftovers. I saw he saved you some of the stew.”

 

The leftovers, right. “Oh, yeah. I just left them in the kitchen so I could grab it on the way out.”

 

“That boy can cook, ” Tim simply said, flipping through the channels again.

 

“What's he gonna do here? You said he was a cook back home.”

 

“I don't rightly know, to be honest with you. I know Dad's talking about him helping out here. But I don't know. Ain't any cooking jobs here.”

 

Dean found that out when he tried going out for breakfast when he first moved to Lebanon, surprised he had to go Smith Center which was truly only a twenty-minute drive. But it just struck him as odd. The belief all small towns had a diner the citizens conjugated at had been blown. He felt almost claustrophobic since he moved, finally able to pinpoint the exact feeling he had for a while.

 

“You ever think of getting out?” He asked curiously.

 

“What, you mean just pick up and move?”

 

“Yeah. Go somewhere… I don't know… somewhere bigger? Topeka or Kansas City or somewhere like that.”

 

“Not really, no. Figure it’s all the same no matter where you lay your head, ” Tim answered, glancing at him briefly. “Why, you getting antsy here?”

 

“No, not really. I mean… I don't know. It's like I'm missing something.”

 

“Like what?” Tim asked, looking at him.

 

“Hell if I know, ” Dean sighed. “Maybe a relationship. Tired of going home alone, you know? Just would be nice to wake up with someone for once.”

 

“What about that Tiffany girl? She seemed into you.”

 

Dean tsked, shaking his head. “She was into sex. That's not the same thing.”

 

“So what are we talking here? Settling down, getting married, having kids?” Tim asked, trying to understand what he was thinking.

 

“I'm nowhere ready for that. I'm only twenty-five. But I wouldn't say no to spending time with someone.”

 

“Well, then next week we'll hit Smith Center and see if we can't get you one, ” Tim shrugged, sounding as if it were so easy.

 

“Yeah, maybe, ” Dean shrugged, not convinced.

 

When Benny finally joined them, Dean thought the conversation was over. “Hey, we’re going out next week to see if we can't find a girl for Dean. You wanna come?” Tim asked Benny.

 

Dean wished he kept his mouth shut, feeling Benny's eyes on him, but he kept his eyes trained on the TV. “It's not exactly to find me a girl, Tim.” He tried downplaying their conversation but felt it falling flat.

 

“What kinda girl are you looking for?” Benny asked some emotion underneath.

 

“Dean likes ‘em stacked, ” Tim answered, laughing.

 

“That's descriptive, ” Benny scoffed.

 

“I like brunettes, ” Dean added weakly.

 

“I'm sure we can find you a brunette or two somewhere, ” Benny said.

 

“Let's just forget it, all right?” Dean asked hopefully.

 

“What you talking about? You just sat here saying how you wanted a relationship. So. We'll get you a relationship. We'll be your, uh, what you call ‘em?”

 

“Wingmen, ” Benny supplied.

 

Tim snapped his fingers, pointing at him. “That's it. We'll be your wingmen.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. “I changed my mind, ” he sighed. He needed to leave, feeling uncomfortable. “I'm just gonna… yeah.”

 

Without looking at Benny, he stood and retreated, hearing Tim calling out to him but ignoring it. Seeing the plastic container sitting on the counter with his stew, Dean debated about leaving it when he felt hands on his shoulders, surprised seeing Benny rather than Tim.

 

“Don't go, man, ” Benny said softly, making no effort at moving his hands away. “I know he can go too far sometimes. But he don't mean no harm.”

 

Dean met his gaze, unable to look away. “I'm not mad. I just… I don't know what I'm just. I think I just need to go to bed.”

 

“You sure?” Benny didn't sound convinced.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure, ” Dean nodded.

 

Benny moved his hands from his shoulders, Dean didn't want to think about wanting Benny to touch him again, giving him a small smile of goodbye, Dean left. The sun was already setting in the distance behind the house, thinking about Cas as he walked towards the car. Cas always loved both the sunrise and sunset, often trying to get him to watch with him. But just standing there wasn't and watching sunsets together felt a little too weird. Maybe he should have taken the time, especially since everything was so confusing.

 

Things were a bit shaky for a while with Tim the next morning but by mid-morning everything went back to normal. The biggest surprise came when Benny showed up shortly before noon with the leftover Dean forgot.

 

“You didn't need to make a special trip, you know?” Dean told him, walking him out. He definitely didn't mind seeing the attractive man again.

 

“It wasn't any trouble. I was out anyway. Tim said you normally eat around noon.”

 

Dean glanced over his shoulder looking back in the direction of Tim's work area, then looked back to Benny. “He did, huh?”

 

“Tell me if I'm out of line but would you want to get a drink sometime?”

 

Dean looked at him in confusion. “I thought we were going out this weekend?”

 

“I meant just us.”

 

Dean looked at him in complete surprise. Was Benny asking him out? Did he  _ want _ Benny asking him out? “L-Like a date?” He stammered.

 

“Or just as friends, ” Benny suggested.

 

“Um… sure. Yeah, okay. I’d like that, ” Dean nodded with a smile.

 

“Great, ” Benny smiled back as they exchanged numbers.

 

Dean watched Benny leaving for a few minutes, finally returning to the garage seeing Tim waiting for him.

 

“Hey, I'm gonna grab a bite, ” he said, tapping the lid of the plastic container, heading towards the break room.

 

The employee lounge wasn't anything spectacular. It was as dingy as the rest of the shop but was clean thanks to Missouri. A small round table with four mismatched chairs stood in the center of the room. Against the wall were a fridge, sink, and a microwave. He was in the process of heating up the stew when Tim came bursting in.

 

“You okay?” Dean asked, seeing the peculiar expression on Tim's face.

 

“Um… I gotta tell you about something.”

 

“You didn't lose another tool, did you? Rufus'll have your ass.”

 

Tim scoffed. “This isn't about any tool.”

 

“All right, what's it about?” Dean asked as the microwave beeped. He walked with the bowl to the table and sat down.

 

Tim leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. “I saw you talking to Benny. Did he ask you for drinks?”

 

“Yeah, why? You wanna come along?”

 

“There's something you need to know about Benny, ” Tim told him.

 

“Okay?” Dean drawled out, starting to eat.

 

“I love Benny and don't want to see him hurt. But, you should probably know he's gay.”

 

“Oh, ” Dean said simply. But he already had a feeling. Especially after Benny asked him out for drinks.

 

“You don't got a problem with it, do you?” Tim asked.

 

“What? No, of course not, ” he answered truthfully. He wondered if he should just admit to being bi, just to show Tim he had no problems with Benny's sexuality. But he couldn't get the words out, feeling them stuck in the back of his throat. “It's all good, man.”

 

“Then good. And don't worry about him asking to grab a drink. I told him you're straight.” Tim told him. “I'll let you get back to it. Just thought I'd give you a head's up.”

 

Once he was alone, Dean pushed the bowl away, feeling like a coward. Why couldn't he open his mouth and tell Tim he wasn't straight? Obviously, Tim doesn't have a problem with Benny being gay, but how would he feel if Dean admitted to being bi? Was he even ready to tell people he wasn't straight? He could always ask Benny about it. The questions didn't stop even when Dean returned back to work, welcoming the distraction from his thoughts.

 

Over the next few days, Dean exchanged texts with Benny, quickly finding himself looking forward to each returning reply. They talked about various topics, ranging from favorite movies and music to favorite sports teams and interests. Texts slowly trickled into phone calls, each losing themselves in the easy conversations and laughter. The topic of meeting for drinks came up again, Dean offering to pick him up. He already decided they would go to a bar in Smith Center rather than the local shithole. Thankfully, there was somewhere else than the one Tiffany worked out. Nothing was more awkward than running into a former fling. The realization suddenly hit him. He hadn't thought about hooking up with Tiffany or anyone else in the week since he started talking to Benny. That meant something, right?

 

As planned, Dean picked Benny up around seven the following Friday. The instant Benny saw the Impala, he was completely in awe. Dean grinned proudly, watching Benny lovingly running his hand across the dashboard.

 

“She's beautiful, Dean. An absolute true lady. How long have you had her?” Benny asked.

 

“Since I was eighteen, ” Dean answered.

 

As they drove, the conversation fell back into the easiness Dean felt during their phone calls. He had worried a little that the conversation would be different once they met for drinks, losing that sense of security from just hearing a voice provided. But talking with Benny quickly eased any worries Dean may have had. Benny was funny, intelligent, and still so damn attractive. Dean found himself a few times of wanting to reach over and touch but refrained. He also wondered if he should mention he knew about Benny being gay. How did one even go about and bring it up?

 

“Hey, what you say before we hit this bar of yours, we grab us something to eat? Timmy said there's a damn good burger joint not far from where we’re going.”

 

“Yeah, there is. Sure, we can eat first, ” Dean agreed, approving Benny's choice.

 

“I haven't had too much of the local food. But burgers sounds like a good place to start.”

 

“Can't go wrong with a good burger. I'll have made you one of mine sometime.”

 

Benny looked at him for a few minutes. “I'll take you up on that.”

 

It wasn't surprising the burger place was fairly busy but they were able to find a table with little troubles. A waitress came for their drink orders and handed them both menus before walking off.

 

“Everything sounds good, ” Benny smiled, unsure which item he wanted. “You find something?”

 

“The classic… bacon cheeseburger, ” he answered easily.

 

“I think I'll have the same, ” Benny said, closing his menu, laid it on top of Dean's. “So, ” he cleared his throat, sat up a bit straighter. “Timmy told me he told you about me.”

 

Dean looked at him in confusion, not understanding initially. After a few minutes, it caught on. “Oh. Yeah. But I told Tim that didn't really matter to me.” He actually hadn't said those words but he meant to. He was too busy being a coward to actually say anything close to that effect.

 

“That's good, ” Benny seemed to relax. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“Why would I be uncomfortable?”

 

“No reason. Just some people get a little… different once they find out.”

 

“Different how?”

 

“Uhhh, ” Benny drawled out, thinking of some examples. “I've had a couple friends not stand close to me, like just brushing against me infected them. I had one friend who we'd go to the gym together. He stopped taking showers in front of me. He went so far as just going home in his gym clothes.”

 

Dean shook his head at the idiotic move of the former friend. “What about your other friends? You still in touch with them?”

 

“Some of them, yeah. The real reason I moved here? I had a bad breakup and just needed to get away to clear my head. Timmy was the one who first said for me to move here. I talked it over with his parents, agreed to help Uncle Jake until I figure out my next move.”

 

“How long were you together, if you don't mind me asking.”

 

“Three years, ” Benny answered sadly. “I thought we were perfect.”

 

Dean saw the small smile as Benny was thinking, obviously about the better times of his ex. He wondered if he had that same expression whenever he thought of Cas.

 

“That's enough of my sad story, ” Benny told him. “Tell me something about you.”

 

“Like what?” Dean hoped he wasn't to ask about past relationships going bad.

 

“I don't know. Surprise me.”

 

Dean squinted for a few minutes, trying to think of something. “When I was nine, I convinced my brother to jump off the roof of the garage. He had a thing for Batman. I jumped first, told him I could fly like Superman. I'm lucky and didn't break my leg. But then Sammy went to jump and landed right on his arm. Instead of telling my mom, I thought I could take him to the ER and they'd never know, ” Dean smiled at the memory.

 

Benny laughed heartily, Dean enjoyed the sound. “Yeah, I put that kid through hell, ” Dean chuckled softly, it was his turn to think back on past memories. “You said you got a sister?”

 

“Delphine, ” he nodded. “Two years older.”

 

“I always wondered what it'd be like to have a sister.”

 

“They're evil creatures, Dean, ” he said, his smile giving away his teasing.

 

“Yeah, Cas has a sister. I remember his horror stories.”

 

“Who's Cas?” Benny asked gently, hearing something in Dean's tone when he said the name, wondering if he was an ex-boyfriend.

 

Shit. He hadn't meant to bring up Cas’ name. And especially not when it invited questions. “Um, Cas is my best friend. I've known him since we were kids, “ he answered, watching his fingers playing with the straw in his drink to avoid looking at Benny.

 

Benny knew there was more to the story than simply being best friends. Maybe once the friendship blossomed a bit more he would ask again. But for now, he allowed it to drop. The waitress returned to take their orders.

 

“So, what exactly is there fun to do here?” Benny asked once they were alone. “I've been here for almost a month and it feels like I've seen everything just coming in.”

 

Dean laughed softly. “That pretty much sums it up, dude.”

 

“Is there like a drive-in tucked away somewhere?”

 

“I think the nearest cinema's like a couple hours away, ” Dean frowned. He loved watching movies and hated there wasn't even a single screen theater in town. Cas always accompanied him with whatever newest releases caught Dean's eye, often times falling asleep with his head resting on Dean's shoulder.

 

“This really is a one-light town, ain't it?” Benny scoffed.

 

“It’s something.”

 

“You sound disenchanted.”

 

“I think I am. You ever get homesick?”

 

“Sure. I feel it, too. Kansas is never gonna be Louisiana. I could live here a million years but it’s never gonna be home. Not really.”

 

Dean nodded. Benny explained it perfectly. Lebanon wasn't home. Home was back in Lawrence with his parents and Cas. Only now there was no more Cas. He couldn't say if they were even still friends at that point. Each phone conversation seemed further than the last as well as feeling more forced. He never thought there would be a time when he talked to Cas and it wasn't just like always. Each phone call convinced him he was losing Cas steadily.

 

“You think you'll ever go back to Baton Rouge?” Dean asked.

 

“I have no doubts I'll find my way back home. Just when the time's right.”

 

“Timing always has a way of screwing with you, ” Dean sighed.

 

“Just means you're not ready yet, brother. You'll know when you're ready.”

 

Dean looked at him not fully understanding. Benny's words sounded just like something Missouri told him a few times. Did they mean with Cas? Would their friendship go back to how it was? Or did they mean about going back home? Did they know he wasn't staying permanently in Lebanon? And why the fuck were they talking cryptically? He needed someone telling him what he should do.

 

“You look like you got something on your mind, ” Benny's voice cutting in his thoughts.

 

“Just thinking. Maybe going home isn't a bad thing, ” he shrugged.

 

The waitress returned with their food, each sitting back so she could set their plates in front of them. Dean kept glancing at Benny, waiting for his reaction once he took the initial bite, squirting ketchup on his fries.

 

Hearing a soft moan, Dean quickly looked at him. The sound traveling down his spine as a shiver straight to his dick, which now twitched. Good fucking god. What did he need to do to get Benny to repeat that sound?

 

“This almost makes up for the lack of anything here, ”

 

“Told you, didn't I?” Dean teased.

 

“I think I might come back regularly. What you think about that?”

 

He wasn't sure why Benny asked him for his opinion. Maybe with the slight chance of coming back together. Was Benny wanting him to join him? Or was it just a generic question?

 

“Yeah, that'd be okay. If you wanted, I mean. You can eat wherever you wanted.”

 

Benny looked at him for a few minutes before chuckling softly. “You make me laugh.”

 

“Is that good?” No one has ever told him that before. He knew he made Cas laugh a lot. He even made his mom laugh. Sam and their dad rolled their eyes at him more than laughing at his jokes. Wait… why was Benny laughing? He hadn't said anything funny, did he? He just answered a question.

 

“It's very good, ” Benny answered, wiping the corners of his mouth with his napkin. “Having fun in relationships is important. Being too serious all the time isn't too good.”

 

He enjoyed laughing, too. Wasn't that why he was always tickling Cas? Hearing him giggling made Dean laugh. That and using it as an excuse for touching Cas. “No, yeah. I agree. Not everyone gets my humor though. My mom does, Cas does-- or did. My brother thinks I'm a dumbass from the way he rolls his eyes at me. I'm not sure about my Dad. He just kinda looks at me.”

 

“If you don't mind me asking… did something happen to Cas?”

 

“Happen to him? No, why?” Dean asked, biting into a fry.

 

“You said he  _ did _ find you funny. Like something happened to him.”

 

“Oh, no. No, he's okay. He moved to L.A. right before I moved here. So, I'm not sure if he still finds me funny or not anymore.”

 

That was the third time Dean brought up his friend Cas. He had hoped maybe Dean would have continued showing interest in him but each time he tried steering the conversation about relationships, Dean brought up some example with Cas in it. It was a bit frustrating, especially since he had wondered if Dean was interested actually interested in him or if it was just wishful thinking. After their meeting and all the texts and phone calls, Benny thought maybe Dean liked him in return. Now he wasn't so sure.

 

“You can't tell over the phone?”

 

“We don't talk that long or that often. I called him a couple days ago to wish him a happy birthday. But he was getting ready to go out with his boyfriend.” Dean was proud of himself for not saying ‘boyfriend’ bitterly.

 

“Did anything ever happen between you two? I'm just asking because you talk about him a lot. Like there was more than friendship between you two.”

 

Dean froze for a moment. He was talking a lot about Cas? He hadn't noticed, honestly. He knew he was thinking about him a lot. But talking about him? “I haven't noticed. I'm sorry.”

 

“So is that a yes? Benny asked cautiously.

 

“ That's a no. It's been just friendship only.” Only the type of friendship where they fucked three times. “I'll try to tone it down.”

 

“I was just curious, is all.”

 

Great. He was talking about one crash in front of another crush. He admitted he had a crush on Benny. “He, uh, wanted more, ” Dean admitted.

 

“You didn't?” Benny asked simply.

 

Dean blinked at him with surprise. What was he asking? Did Benny know something? Dean started panicking, wondering if he had been obvious. Maybe it was like a trick question, a way of finding out if he was gay or straight. Fuck. Why had he even said anything?

 

“Forget I asked, Dean. I see the panic in your eyes, ” Benny told him gently. His suspicions were confirmed. He wasn't wrong thinking Dean showed an interest in him when Dean was over for dinner. And just as he suspected, Dean wasn't out. He saw the panicked look in Dean's eyes when questioned about his friend Cas. Benny remembered being in Dean's place not too long ago. Afraid of what he was feeling. Afraid what everyone would say if he admitted he came out. It wasn't until he met Pierre that he finally became comfortable to finally telling friends and family about the true nature of their relationship. Dean relaxed somewhat when told to dismiss the question. “I don't want you being uncomfortable.”

 

“I'm just not… at that point, ” Dean explained.

 

“I'm not asking for anything, Dean. What you do or don't tell me is all up to you. But I hope we'll continue being friends.”

 

“I'd like that, ” Dean smiled.

 

“Me, too. Now let's finish eating before it gets cold, ” Benny teased.

 

They finished eating, finding safer topics to talk about. Dean wasn't surprised finding out Benny was a Saints fan while he rooted for the Chiefs, already promising to get together for some good trash talking while watching the game. They shared some of the same tastes in music, each recalling their first concerts. Movies were another shared interest. Dean admitted unapologetic about liking all things Harrison Ford, while Benny touted a crush on Sylvester Stallone. Plans for movie night were already in the works when the waitress returned to take their empty plates, laying the check on the table between them. Both men scrambled for it with Benny being the winner.

 

They were still talking and laughing when they entered the bar. It was still a better choice than the one in Lebanon but no different than the one he normally visited in Smith Center. Benny didn't seem as if he minded, claiming first round as he nudged Dean into finding them a table. Watching Benny as he talked to the bartender, Dean felt a stabbing of jealousy in the pit of his stomach which was ridiculous. This wasn't a date, Benny hadn't even hinted at being interested in him. What if Benny was interested but changed his mind all because Dean couldn't get himself to say out loud he wasn't straight? Did he want Benny asking him out? Go out on dates like… a couple. If he couldn't say the words how was he supposed to date another guy publically?

 

He startled slightly when Benny slid in the chair across from him, smiling in thanks for the beer. Taking a sip, he glanced around the bar. It wasn't much bigger but this place at least had a pool table. Maybe he could talk Benny into playing a couple of games. His jealousy simmered down as he noticed Benny hadn't given the bartender a second glance since sitting down. After finishing their first beers, Dean suggested playing a game or two of pool, Benny agreed with a smirk.

 

“What are we playing for?” Benny asked, following Dean towards the lone table.

 

“Good question, ” Dean answered, going to the wall where the pool sticks hung on a wooden rack. “I'll have to think of something.”

 

Benny came up behind him, leaning in closer. “Loser makes dinner for our first date, ” he whispered in Dean's ear.

 

Benny's hot breath in his ear and his closeness had Dean shivering. He looked over his shoulder back at him. “First date?”

 

“Mhm… the first date, ” Benny repeated.

 

“You think that's fair, being a chef?” Dean smiled, his heart raced with excitement.

 

“You did boast about these burgers of yours, didn't you?” Benny teased, still talking in Dean's ear.

 

Another shiver rolled down his spine. “Y-Yeah, ” he swallowed, closing his eyes hoping he hadn't visibly shivered.

 

“Game on, brother, ” he whispered, walking away.

 

Dean exhaled softly, trying to compose himself. “Your break, ” he said, needing a few extra minutes to stop the throbbing in his cock. He cursed to himself hearing Benny chuckling softly, the bastard.

 

Dean couldn't stop himself from checking him out as he leaned down over the table to break. Benny definitely filled out his jeans, the black tee shirt flaunted his muscular arms and broad chest. Goddamn, he was fucking hot. Dean hadn't noticed he was staring until Benny winked at him, feeling the blood rushing down to his already hard cock. Fuck, he wanted Benny. This was going to be a long night.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Three beers later, Benny completely wiped the floor with him. Dean wasn't sure if he lost purposely or if Benny just had been that good. He counted a handful of times where he became distracted. At one point, Benny stretched, his tee shirt lifted to reveal a patch of skin of his stomach. Benny had to have known what he was doing, watching Dean with blue eyes sparkling in mischief.

 

By the time they left for the night, Dean felt his erection pressing again his zipper. Benny just led him through the parking lot towards the Impala. Unlocking the passenger door, Dean stopped, pressing Benny against the door and kissed him, unsure which one of them moaned.

 

“I want you, ” Dean told him, his voice rough.

 

“Dean…, ” Benny sighed, kissing him again.

 

Dean wrapped his arms him, pulling Benny against him so there was no mistaking his intentions. “Benny…, ” Dean sounded desperate.

 

Benny gently pulled him away. “I think we should wait. But believe me, I really want you, too.”

 

Dean knew in his head it was too soon for them to go any further but his body needed relief. Instead, he leaned in again for a kiss, pulling away when he felt overwhelmed. Pulling apart one last time, Dean exhaled sharply, walking around to the other side of the car, trying to calm himself enough to drive.

 

The ride home was spent talking about their date, deciding dinner would be at Dean's, afterward watching any one of the countless movies Dean had in his collection. Dean was already coming up with a dinner plan, complete with dessert, in his mind. Before he knew it, they reached the farm. Benny started opening the door before he paused to lean over and start kissing Dean again.

 

“Text me when you get home, ” Benny told him, sliding out of the car.

 

“Geez, haven't had our first date and already you're nagging, ” Dean teased.

 

“Yes, I am, ” Benny chuckled, closing the door, bending down to look at him.

 

“So, should I pick you up tomorrow night?”

 

“Nah, I'll use Timmy's truck or something. You'll be too busy cooking.”

 

“I can take half an hour to come get you.”

 

“I'll manage. See you at five tomorrow, right?” Benny asked.

 

“Be there or be square, ” Dean smiled.

 

“Yeah, that's big on my list of worries. You get yourself home. And watch out for them divots, they'll eat your car.”

 

“I don't doubt that, ” Dean scoffed, waving one last time before pulling away.

 

Once he walked through his door, Dean was already texting Benny, letting him know he made it as well as texting him as they normally did nightly. After the third message, he called Benny instead. They spent talking over the next hour, neither needing to get up early for anything. By the time they hung up, it was a little after midnight. He was still smiling as he got ready for bed, thinking about the date.

 

This was his first man date and was completely clueless about how it compared to dates with women.

 

Slipping under the covers, he got comfortable as he grabbed his phone. From what he found, dating itself was no different than heterosexual dating, which that was good. What confused him was reading the warnings about dating someone who was more ‘out’ than the other. Benny was definitely out while he was still hovering in the doorway of ‘the closet’. Did Benny expect him to start coming out after one date? What if he couldn't, what then? He would need to talk to Benny, obviously. But when? Was this first date conversation? Third? Fifth? He eventually fell asleep no closer to having answers.

 

The next day was spent cleaning the entire apartment, including running to the laundromat as well as hitting the grocery store for what he needed. He was half tempted at just buying an apple pie but decided to make it instead. Last night's questions still bothered him as he showered and changed before started making dinner and dessert. Shortly before five, a knock came to the door. Grabbing the kitchen towel, he wiped his hands before answering, instantly smiling when he saw Benny, carrying a brown paper bag.

 

“Bringing dinner?” Dean teased, closing the door behind them.

 

“I came bearing gifts. Lucy said it's rude to come empty-handed.”

 

Taking the bag from him, Dean looked at him questioningly before peeking inside, laughing softly. “A couple beers are considered a gift?”

 

“I didn't know what else to get, seemed like a safe bet.”

 

“I'll put these in the fridge. Wanna keep me company while I finish everything?”

 

“Sure smells good, ” Benny told him, following him to the kitchen.

 

Benny sat at the small kitchen table watching as Dean went back to preparing their meal.

 

“This is a great place, ” Benny commented, glancing around.

 

“It's small but I like it. It's quiet, not far from work. I can walk there if I wanted but I'm not leaving Baby unattended.”

 

“How long have you had her?”

 

“Got her when I was eighteen, ” Dean beamed. “She was the first car I worked on when I was younger.”

 

“Your dad a mechanic, too?”

 

“Yeah but he works on diesel engines at a trucking company in Kansas City.”

 

“You never thought of joining him?” Benny asked, coming over to stand next to him.

 

“I know he'd like that. The whole father-son dream, I guess. What about yours?”

 

“Mine? Mine was a commercial fisherman for years. Had his own boat and crew.”

 

“Oh yeah? You ever go out with him?” Dean asked, washing his hands, drying them on the towel.

 

“Once or twice. Wasn't really my thing. I think he was like your papa and wanted me to join his crew. I was more interested in ways of preparing the fish than catching them.”

 

“You said he's gone right?” Dean asked, seeing Benny nodding. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

 

“He died doing what he loved. Had a heart attack right there in front of his crew.”

 

Dean winced, imaging the scene in his mind. When his dad got hurt a couple years ago, Dean drove himself crazy with worry. Since he moved, he hoped his parents would be okay now they were alone. Who knew if Sam ever intended on coming back? And while he was thinking of returning back to Lawrence, he was still stuck in Lebanon for the moment.

 

“You want some help?” Benny asked, hoping to lift some of the heaviness from the conversation.

 

“Thought I was supposed to dazzle you?” Dean grinned.

 

“Oh, trust me, brother… I am dazzled.”

 

“Yeah?” Dean turned towards him, setting the towel down on the counter.

 

They each stepped closer, leaned in and kissed softly. Dean moaned unconsciously as Benny's arms wrapped around him, slipping his own around Benny, cooking instantly forgotten. After a few minutes, they broke away, looked at each other and smiled.

 

“That was…, ” Dean sighed softly.

 

“Good?” Benny asked, wiping at the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb.

 

“Definitely good, ” Dean agreed, reluctantly turning back to preparing their meal.

 

“I should probably tell you… I don't sleep with anyone right away.”

 

“Meaning what?” Dean asked, not understanding.

 

“It means I'm a little-fashioned. I want to get to know you better first. To get who Dean… just realized I can't remember your last name.”

 

“Winchester, ” Dean informed him.

 

“Like the guns?”

 

“I think they're a distant relative, I can't remember now.”

 

“Well, pleased your acquaintance, Dean Winchester. Name's Benny Lafitte.”

 

“Benny Lafitte, ” Dean smiled.

 

“So I'd like to get to know you better before we engage in… uh…, ” he paused, unsure how to word it.

 

“Fun times?” Dean chuckled.

 

“Definitely fun times, ” Benny grinned, making sure there was mistaking his meaning.

 

“I'd like to get to know you, too.”

 

“Then we're in agreement.”

 

They bounced back into the easy conversation as before, both of them preparing the meal together. Dean got the burgers formed while Benny cooked them. He couldn't remember the last time he enjoyed talking to someone so much. That wasn't entirely true but Benny wasn't Cas. The differences between them were plenty. Cas never understood pop culture, which was funny considering he was a columnist for a newspaper. Benny knew about particular movies even if he hadn't seen them. Cas had never been interested in any sports team but had been willing to sit through them for him. Benny, on the other hand, happily engaged in friendly trash talking about which team was better. Cas had a limited selection of foods he was able to cook successfully. Benny was a formally trained chef. Cas wanted a relationship. Benny wanted to take it slowly. Dean appreciated Benny's patience about giving him time getting used to the idea of being with another man romantically. Why couldn't Cas have done that?

 

He was pleased dinner had been a success, Benny was impressed with the burgers as Dean had hoped. The apple pie for dessert was just as successful, which they took to the living room to enjoy as they watched a movie. It felt more like they were hanging out than on a first date. He wondered if all first dates were so easy and fun, thinking back to his relationship with Meg. His first date with Meg had been at a restaurant and going to the Regal to see whatever movie she wanted. He remembered it was a nice date. And by the third date, they made out in the back seat of the Impala. Benny, however, wanted to know him better before doing anything. Dean doubted there was anything worth knowing about him. He was a mechanic who lived in a small town. What more was there to know? But maybe there was something more he just wasn't seeing, deciding to follow Benny's lead.

 

It wasn't long into the second movie they both started yawning in their hands. Clearing up everything, Benny suggested he be the one to decide their next date, Dean agreed with a smile, already looking forward to it. They spent the next ten minutes kissing goodbye, something Dean was enjoying immensely. Once Benny finally left, he quickly cleaned up the dishes before going to bed. Going to the bathroom to brush his teeth, he heard his phone ping, alerting him he had a new text. Walking towards the nightstand, he smiled when he picked up his phone, seeing the message had been from Benny, thanking him for a great date. Crawling under the sheets, Dean exchanged texts with him for the next ten minutes before both decided to call it a night.

 

A few days later, Benny planned for them to try golfing, although neither had played before outside of miniature golfing. It turned out regular golfing was harder than it looked. But damn if they didn't have a good time laughing and teasing each other after each missed swing. The night ended with Benny actually walking Dean to the steps to his apartment, where they talked and laughed as they each discussed their favorite parts of the date. It had been the best date so far in Dean's opinion and he looked forward to the next one.

 

After two months, Dean realized he was starting to fall for him. An idea which both scared and thrilled him. He never had been one of those guys who easily fell for someone. Sex came easily to him, after all, it was just about getting each other off and going separate ways. But genuine emotions and feelings were always something he avoided, now he wasn't sure what to do about them. Talking to his parents was out of the question since they had no idea he liked guys, grimacing as he pictured his dad's reaction. No, thank you. It was for the best John Winchester never found out his oldest son liked both men and women.

 

Not for the first time, he wished he could talk to Cas. This was exactly something he needed his best friend for, listening to him pathetically spew whatever he felt for Benny. But their last conversation hadn't exactly gone how he planned, the conversation filled with awkward pauses. He hated how fractured they were, being able to talk to each other about anything to barely being able to hold a conversation. What he wouldn't give to get his best friend back and back to how things were.

 

He sat in the complete darkness of his living room, slumped on the couch with his messenger bag still draped across one shoulder, not sure how long he had been sitting there but was in no hurry to move. Numb. He was just numb. Too numb to move. Too numb to think. Too numb to feel.

 

His phone sat on his lap, Matthew's name still showing up on the voicemail list, having used the cowardice move of breaking up via voicemail, apologizing but felt crowded in the relationship, even went so far as to say  _ his _ name. Cas wanted to argue Matthew was being silly and jealous about nothing. But the words were stuck in his throat. Even if the breakup hadn't been over voicemail, Cas knew he still couldn't say truthfully say the words.

 

He was still in love with Dean. Matthew had just been the one brave enough to say them first, unsure of his next steps, feeling emotionally drained. A part of him wanted to call Dean, give him hell for ruining his relationship but was afraid what might accidentally slip out instead. No, it was better he avoided talking to him. But his fingers apparently had a mind of their own, not realizing he was calling anyone until he heard Dean's voice.

 

“Cas, you there, man?” Dean repeated a second time. “C'mon, dude. Talk to me.”

 

Cas slowly brought the phone to his ear. “Why do you keep ruining my life?”

 

“What? What are you talking about? How am I ruining your life?” Dean asked confusion and concern in his voice.

 

“He left because of you. You made him leave, Dean, ” Cas’ voice broke. “Why can't you let me be happy?”

 

“Cas, what happened? I don't understand. Who left?”

 

“Matthew left me because of you. Understand now? Is that part  _ clear _ to you now, Dean?” Cas spat angrily.

 

“Cas, I--, ” Dean started saying.

 

“Oh, just stop saying my name!” Cas snapped. “Just stop it. I'm tired of you taking whatever you want from me. Just leave me alone!”

 

Both were quiet for a long time. “Is that what you want, me leaving you alone?” He asked hesitantly.

 

“Yes, ” Cas answered firmly, ignoring the voice in his head screaming for him to shut up.

 

“All right, ” Dean said, clearing his throat. “I'll just…” He didn't finish the sentence, quietly hung up instead.

 

Cas started panicking when he heard continuing silence. “Dean? Are you there?  _ Dean _ ?” The silence was all he heard, letting his hand drop back down. What had he done?

  
  


It finally happened. He had a feeling their friendship would have ended by Cas’ doing, just wasn’t prepared for how strongly the pain was washing over him. His vision blurred as he went to the kitchen in search of something stronger than the now warm beer he had been nursing. Rummaging through his cupboards, he found a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the top cupboard above the stove. Screwing the top off, he took a long drink, holding it up slightly in mock salute to a sixteen-year friendship now gone, hoping there was at least enough alcohol to numb the pain that was washing over him. Cradling the bottle in the crook of his elbow, he walked back to the living room, plopping down on the couch heavily. By the time he finished the bottle, his eyes grew heavy. Laying his head back against the back of the couch, he meant to only close his eyes for a few minutes but ended up falling asleep.

 

He groaned when the incessant ringing of a phone in the distance woke him up, only realizing once it stopped that it had been  _ his  _ phone. Opening his eyes, he groaned again from the brightness of the living room with the morning sun peeking its way through the windows, laying his head back down on the cushion. What the fuck time was it? Hell, what  _ day _ was it? He slowly managed to sit up, closing his eyes as a wave of nausea washed over him, smacking his lips at the god-awful taste in his mouth. Sighing, he glanced at the wall clock, scoffed when he saw it was only just after eight in the morning. Thank god he had today off, there would be no way he could have worked in his current state. Picking up his phone, he checked for missed calls, seeing both his mom and Benny’s names. He wasn’t ready yet to talk to his mom, tapping on Benny’s name and sighed as he brought the phone to his ear.

 

“Hey, brother,” Benny greeted after a couple rings. “You’re up early.”

 

“Not by choice,” Dean told him.

 

“You’re sounding rough there, Chief. You okay?” Benny asked, sounding concerned.

 

“I, uh, kinda had a rough night,” Dean answered, voice straining as he straightened up on the couch, swinging his legs off the couch and onto the floor.

 

“Rough night? What happened?”

 

Dean chewed his bottom lip, not answering. He hadn’t really been forthcoming about his friendship with Cas, describing it simply as being ‘best friends’ when that didn’t truly explain his feelings correctly. “I don’t… I don’t want to really talk about it, Benny. No offense, man.”

 

“Sounds like you need a distraction. What you say we go out for something to eat?”

 

His stomach rolled at the thought of food, closing his eyes. “Can we make it a lunch? I need to give my stomach a chance to calm down some.”

 

“Sure. Say around noon? I’ll be there to pick you up,” Benny offered.

 

“Noon’s good. Gives me time to try being human again,” Dean agreed.

 

“See you around noon,” Benny told him before hanging up.

 

Letting the phone drop from his hand, Dean closed his eyes again, not yet ready to move anytime soon. He hadn’t realized he fell asleep again until he was being jostled awake by Benny, gasping softly as his eyes flew open. “Benny. What the hell, man?” Dean asked, rubbing his eye with his fingers.

 

“Told you I’d come around noon,” Benny reminded him. “You always leave your door unlocked?”

 

“What?” Dean asked, not understanding about the door. “No. Why? What are you talking about?”

 

Benny looked at him, nose crinkling from the smell of stale beer. “How much you have to drink?”

 

“Finished off the whiskey.”

 

“You have a party I wasn't invited to?” Benny teased, concern in his voice.

 

Dean sat up, shaking his head in answer, groaning softly in pain from the movement. “Bad night, ” Dean reminded him, clearing his throat. “Gimme… twenty minutes, I'll be aces.”

 

“Get cleaned up, ” Benny encouraged, patting him gently on the shoulder.

 

Once Dean disappeared towards his bedroom, Benny made his way to the kitchen. He normally didn't rummage through people's fridges but Dean was in no shape to go out. He pulled out the necessary items to make breakfast for them.

 

By the time he stepped out of the shower, he was feeling a tad more human. Reaching for his towel, he paused when the unmistakable smell of bacon cooking hit him, frowning at the closed bathroom door. Weren't they going out? He quickly dried off and got dressed, curiosity grew by the minute. When he finally made an appearance in the kitchen, Benny smiled brightly in greeting.

 

Dean noticed the bottle of aspirin sitting on the counter, shaking a couple out, smiling slightly in appreciation when Benny slid a glass of orange juice closer to him. The bacon smelled fantastic but didn't have the heart to tell Benny he didn't have an appetite but sat down at the table.

 

“You didn't have to go through this, man.. We could've gone out, ” Dean told him, leaning back against his chair as Benny set his plate in front of him.

 

“Wasn't any trouble, just didn't think you were up for going out.” he smiled at Dean, sitting down across from him.

 

“Not really, no,” Dean agreed.

 

Dean forced himself to start eating, silently praying he could keep it down. Thankfully, the conversation steered clear of his apparent hangover. Instead, they talked about how the upcoming week looked for them workwise, as well as talking about random things two people talk about when getting to know each other. Curiosity finally won out in the end, Benny gently asked about his drinking. Dean reassured him he wasn't hiding a drinking problem, explaining the conversation with Cas.

 

“Just like that? No more friends?” Benny asked.

 

“Guess not, ” Dean tried sounding casual.

 

“Did he say why?”

 

There it was, the sixty-four dollar question. Dean cast his gaze downwards, poking at his partially eaten omelet with his fork. “I kinda screwed the pooch on that one, ” he confessed.

 

“What'd you do, sleep with the guy?” Benny smiled, asking the question as teasing.

 

Dean quickly looked up at him, wondering if Benny saw something in his expression.”Why-Why you ask that?” Dean asked nervously.

 

“I was teasing, Dean, ” Benny explained, studying him. “Were you together when I asked you out?”

 

“We’re… Cas… him and I aren't together, ” Dean stammered, answering truthfully.

 

“Do you want to be?”

 

It was a legitimate question, one he might have asked if roles were reversed. But it still annoyed him, scoffing softly. “It wouldn't have worked out. He's there and I'm here. Not exactly ideal dating circumstances.”

 

“Not exactly an answer, ” Benny frowned, setting down his fork.

 

“I haven't really given it much thought. Kinda pointless, isn't it? Besides, I met you.”

 

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Benny scoffed sarcastically. “He the reason you drank last night? And I know you said he ended the friendship but I'm asking if there's more to it than that.”

 

Dean hated feeling cornered, not really seeing a good answer. “Benny, ” he sighed, rubbing at his forehead.

 

“I should probably go.” Benny pushed his chair back, standing up. “You should think about  _ who _ you want to be with, Dean.”

 

“Wait, you don't have to go, ” Dean tried stopping him, standing up as well.

 

“You just need some time to figure things out, is all. If we're gonna see each other, I'd like to know you're not thinking about someone else.”

 

“It's not like that, Benny, all right? I've known Cas since I was eight. I can't be upset he ended the friendship?” Dean challenged.

 

“Of course you can. Hell, I've gotten upset about friendships ending, too. But I didn't sleep with them. It sounds like Cas is more than just a friend, is all. How do I know you're not thinking about him when you're with me?”

 

“What about your ex you mentioned? That… what was his name… Pierre?” Benny tensed but Dean wasn't sure if it was from the question or mentioning Benny's ex by name.

 

“I just want you to be sure, Dean. Just… just give it a few days. Think about it and gimme a call if you're still interested.”

 

Dean looked at him. “I  _ am _ interested, ” he said firmly. “I'm telling you, man. I am very interested.”

 

Benny studied him for a few minutes, slowly closing the small distance between them. Dean leaned in, kissing him on the lips. What started out as soft and slow quickly became frenzied. Dean steered them out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom, hands undressing each other as they bumped the walls along the way.

 

“We shouldn't be doing this, ” Benny told him in between kisses, pulling Dean's shirt off.

 

“I know, ” Dean breathed heavily, sliding Benny's button down shirt off. “God, I wanna feel you in me, ” he moaned, kissing him again.

 

Benny moaned softly, pushing him up against the wall just outside Dean's bedroom. “Dean.., ” he practically growled.

 

“Please. God, please.” Dean knew he was begging but didn't care. He wanted to feel the larger man in him. Wanted to feel encased by Benny's arms. His headache forgotten as he started unbuckling Benny's pants, desperately needing to touch him.

 

Benny mirrored Dean's movements, undoing the top button as he kissed him again, the tip of his tongue tracing along the edge of Dean's bottom lip. Slipping his tongue teasingly into Dean's mouth, Benny’s hands continued their mission of undressing Dean of his jeans. Teasing fingers stroked along the edge of Dean's half hard erection, causing the younger man to squirm, moaning against Benny's mouth. Intrigued by the noises, Benny stroked Dean with the palm of his hand. It took all Dean's strength for his knees not to buckle, whimpering loudly. Benny stepped away, smirking at Dean before kneeling in front of him. Looking up at him, Benny slid Dean's underwear down past his hips, revealing his full erection. Dean bit his bottom lip, looking down to him, his breathing quickening.

 

“Benny…, ” Dean's voice thick with arousal.

 

“Say it, ” Benny whispered. “Tell me what you want, cher.”

 

Dean closed his eyes, thumping his head back against the wall, his arousal spiking. Licking his lips, he looked back down to Benny. “I want… I need your mouth… on me, ” he panted.

 

Rather than answering, Benny wrapped his lips around the Dean's cock. Dean moaned again, cursing under his breath, his hands grabbing at Benny's short hair. Benny flattened his tongue as he took in more of Dean's cock, Dean’s moans grew louder, starting to move his hips to meet Benny's mouth. “Oh… uh, uh, … fuck, that feels so good… just like that, ” he encouraged, eyes closed again.

 

Benny dragged the tip of his tongue along Dean's shaft as he sucked from the base to the tip, moving a little faster. He brought a hand up and started playing with Dean's balls. The new sensation had Dean's moans getting higher, his hips moving faster, matching the pace of Benny's mouth. “Be-Benny, ” he pleaded. “Oh, don’t stop!” He practically shouted, gripping fistfuls of Benny’s hair, fucking Benny’s mouth. It felt as if his orgasm was building from his feet, just building… and building… and… “I’M... I’M...BENNY!” He yelled, trying to warn him he was going to come but didn’t get a chance before he came hard, hissing softly as his headache intensified momentarily. Benny didn’t hesitate to swallow as Dean coated his throat. As the last of his orgasm died down, he leaned back against the wall, surprised his legs still held him up. Benny chuckled, wiping the corner of his mouth as he stood up.

 

“Holy fuck, dude,” Dean said, exhaustedly.

 

“Yes, indeedy, Chief. Yes, indeedy,” Benny smirked, sounding too amused. “You’re...uh… not the quiet type.”

 

“Whose fault is that?” Dean asked, exhaling sharply. “I thought you wanted to wait before we...uh… did anything fun?”

 

“A fella can’t change his mind?” Benny asked, pulling his pants back up.

 

Dean watched for a few seconds before stepping forward and put his hand on Benny’s, stopping him from refastening his pants. “I can’t change my mind?” He teased, repeating the words.

 

Benny chuckled again, letting his pants drop back down to his ankles, locking gazes with him. “I’m not the quiet type either,” he warned.

 

“Awesome,” Dean smiled, turning them so Benny was the one pinned against the wall. “Let’s hear what you got.” He kissed him for a few minutes before dropping to his knees, pulling Benny’s underwear as he knelt down, placed kisses on either side of his inner thighs. Looking up at him, Dean bit his bottom lip again in anticipation. Benny’s cock was thicker and longer than expected, more so than Cas. Wrapping his hand around Benny’s cock, he slowly stroked him, running his tongue along the bottom of his shaft. Benny moaned softly, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

 

“That feels good,” Benny encouraged softly, stroking Dean’s hair. “That feels  _ really _ good.”

 

Looking up at him, he replaced his hand with his mouth, taking in as much as possible before he started gagging. Pulling back somewhat, he wrapped his hand around the rest, stroking again as he sucked. Benny’s head softly thumped back against the wall, continuing soft encouragements. Mimicking him, Dean’s free hand began playing with Benny’s balls, Benny’s moans grew louder as his hips moved. “Right there… right there… just like that… oh, hell… your mouth…,” Benny said, not finishing his sentence about Dean’s mouth. Moving his hand faster earned Dean a fistful of his hair being pulled. “That’s it, that’s it, keep going… oh, hell… you’re gonna make me come,” Benny informed him. The only sounds were the wet sounds coming from Dean mixed with Benny’s moans, his back sliding against the wall as he fucked Dean’s mouth. It took another few minutes before Benny cried out, riding out his orgasm, spilling into Dean’s mouth, coming hard. Dean smiled up at him as Benny's softening erection slipped out of his mouth, standing up.

 

“Whew, ” Benny exhaled. “If that's what you got, can't wait to see what else you can do.”

 

“Trust me, I can do a lot, ” Dean smirked cockily.

 

Benny chuckled, pulling his pants up and buckled it. “I just bet you can.”

 

“You gonna stay? I can make us something to eat, ” he offered.

 

“I've seen what you got in your fridge, chief… it ain't much, ” Benny teased.

 

“I haven't had a chance to go shopping yet, ” Dean chuckled.

 

“Let's remedy that.”

 

Dean blinked at him. Benny wanted to go to the grocery store with him? He couldn't imagine that would be a fun date. “For real? You  _ want _ to go shopping? With me?”

 

“Why not? We can make a day of it. Get something for lunch… maybe for dinner if you're interested.”

 

“You gonna cook for me?”

 

“Nope. Wanna try these ‘awesome’ burgers you bragging about.”

 

A date, the idea had him smiling. It was the perfect remedy for helping about the loss of friendship with Cas. “You're on.”


	19. Chapter 19

It turned out to be a surprisingly good day. Benny taught him a few hints about picking out the best meats. The only hiccup was Dean purposely keeping distance between them, eyes nervously looked around each time Benny laid a hand on his shoulder or anything else Dean thought screamed ‘couple’.

 

After the third time, Dean fought hard at pretending he hadn't seen Benny's hurt expression, convinced once he explained it Benny would understand. The ride back to Dean's apartment was silent and bordered on uncomfortable. Benny refused to look at him, instead kept his gaze out the passenger window. Dean had even tried taking Benny's hand in his but Benny moved his hand onto his lap, out of Dean's reach. Message crystal clear.

 

Once they reached the apartment and we're parked in front, neither one made an effort at getting out. Benny sat next to him in stony silence, his head turned away to avoid looking at him. Dean hadn't meant to hurt Benny but wasn't comfortable broadcasting publicly they were together. Didn't Benny understand?

 

“Did you still want to come up?” Dean asked softly, hoping he agreed.

 

“I think it's best I head home. I'm sure my uncle needs help with something, ” Benny answered sadly.

 

“Do you wanna come back for dinner? I can make the burgers for us, ” Dean offered.

 

“I’ll have to see.”

 

It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that was a big fat no. Dean sighed softly, finally getting out of the car. Unlocking the trunk, he shook his head. Why the fuck were relationships so fucking complicated? Walking towards the steps, he glanced back at Benny who was now getting out of the car. He hesitated briefly, waiting for Benny to change his mind and come following behind him. Instead, Benny walked towards where his truck was parked along the side of the street. He was leaving. The son of a bitch was leaving.

 

“Sonofabitch!” He grumbled loudly, continuing to walk to his apartment.

 

It took two trips but he got the trunk unloaded. Thankfully he remembered which bag had the eggs, just barely stopping himself from slamming them on the counter. Putting the food away, he kept glancing at his phone willing Benny to call.

 

Nothing.

 

Frustrated, Dean sighed heavily once everything was put away, still not hearing from Benny. Why was he making things difficult? Finally having waited long enough, he grabbed his phone and called Benny. Voicemail. Tried calling a second, third, fourth time… voicemail, voicemail, voicemail.

 

Sitting on the couch, his burger grew long cold on the cushion next to him. He decided this time he would leave a message, unlike the last few times.

 

“Hey, man, ” Dean said, once prompted to start talking. “I've tried calling a couple times but just seem to get your voicemail. Gimme a call when you get this.”

 

He stared at his phone as he hung up, imagining Benny hearing the message but actively ignoring it. The rest of the night dragged on, trying to distract himself from calling repeatedly in hopes Benny would have picked up at some point. He tried telling himself there was a logical reason for Benny ignoring him, especially after their first mutual blowjobs. Everything changed at the store when he had stepped away from Benny's touches. They hadn't talked about their relationship if that was what they had. Dean really liked him but didn't understand why Benny felt he needed to broadcast they were together. He wasn't ashamed of being with Benny. Just didn't feel the need to be obvious.

 

It was absurd but a part of him worried somehow his parents would find out. What then? Deny it? Try convincing them he wasn't like  _ that _ ? He had only been able to grudgingly accept he was bisexual. Did he  _ really _ need to let everyone else know? What would his parents say, especially his dad? He never heard his father ever make any type of disparaging comments about gay people but never heard anything to show he supported them either. He had heard parents who were fine with gay people until discovering their child was gay, wondering if his parents fell in that category. Never accepting their oldest son wasn't completely straight. Did he have to tell them?

 

He hadn't realized he fell asleep until he heard firm knocking that wasn't going away. Groggily, he opened his eyes, groaning as he stood up to answer the door. He blinked in surprise seeing Benny standing in front of him, scoffing softly. “Couldn't bother to pick up when I called?” Dean snipped.

 

“I needed time to think, ” Benny told him, sounding unapologetic. “Can we talk?”

 

“Oh,  _ now _ you want to talk. What about talking yesterday instead of ignoring me?” He asked, stepping aside to allow room to come inside.

 

Benny refused to take the bait, stepping inside. Dean closed the door, leaning against it, crossing his arms. “So what do you want to talk about?”

 

Benny softly cleared his throat. “Can we sit down?”

 

“Just tell me, ” Dean sighed, not moving.

 

“Fine, ” Benny mumbled. “I think we should take some time apart.”

 

Dean knew that was coming, still feeling his frustration rising. “And you couldn't tell me that yesterday?”

 

“You're not curious to why?” Benny asked, not answering Dean.

 

“I can imagine a couple of reasons.”

 

“Yesterday showed me you're not ready for this, ” Benny explained calmly.

 

“Ready for what?”

 

“For a relationship, ” Benny answered flatly. “You're… ashamed--, ” he started saying.

 

“I'm not embarrassed, ” Dean cut in. “I'm just… don't feel the need to alert the public that we're together, ” he shrugged.

 

“It's not about alerting anyone. But we shouldn't hide like we're doing something wrong. There's nothing wrong with being together.”

 

Dean opened his mouth, quickly closing it when he had no idea what to say.

 

“I want to be something who isn't afraid of being seen with me. Or pull away when I touch them like we're doing something wrong.”

 

“It's not like that, Benny, ” Dean tried arguing.

 

“I like you, Dean. I really do. But I can't hide like some dirty secret. I've hidden for too long and don't want to go back there. I think you just need some time to figure out what you want.”

 

“What I want? I thought you were okay about going slow?”

 

“And I am. But this isn't you going slow because we're a new relationship, Dean. This is you refusing to let anyone know you're in a relationship with a man. This is about you being ashamed because you do like a man. And I can't do that. I’ve wasted too many years just like you; afraid. Afraid what my friends would say, or my family. Maybe the time apart will help you decide what you want, ” Benny explained softly.

 

“You said you were fine with taking things slow, ” Dean snapped.

 

“Slow, meaning getting to know each other before jumping into bed together. Not in you not wanting me to touch you when we're out.”

 

Dean's shoulders sagged slightly. “What if I try working on that?”

 

“Then gimme a call when you're ready to stop hiding.”

 

Dean shook his head. “Don't do this, man. It sounds like you're pressuring me.”

 

“No one's pressuring you. Just giving you time to think about things, is all, ” Benny explained calmly, walking towards the door.

 

“Whoa, wait, ” Dean said quickly, trying to stop him. “H-How long of a break is it?”

 

Benny’s facial muscles softened. “Let's try a week. I'll give you a call come next weekend.”

 

“A week? What if I don't need a week?”

 

“Dean… just take the time and really think about things. I promise I'll call you.”

 

Nothing he said was stopping Benny from leaving, feeling stunned as he watched Benny walking out the door. Dean stood there stunned the decision had been made pretty much without his permission. Things were over and there was nothing he could say.

 

He hadn't moved in hours, laying in the bed shirtless and arms folded behind his head, studying the ceiling above him. It was only the second day since Benny had suggested Dean took a week to figure out what he wanted. He didn't need a week to know what he wanted; he wanted to be with Benny. But that still didn't solve Dean's problem with public displays of affection.

 

Why couldn't Benny understand his objection? He was still struggling with admitting out loud he was bisexual. Now Benny expected him to shout it from the rooftops they were a couple? What if he was never able to simply hold hands in public? Would Benny actually walk away? He hated being forced to do something and this was no different. He honestly wanted to be Benny but didn't want to be forced into showing his affections publicly.

 

Sighing, he turned his head, looking at his phone sitting on the nightstand. He didn't need bothering checking for messages, knowing there were none from Benny. The reluctant agreement was a week and Benny was a man of his word. He played with the idea of calling Benny but it had been the unknown fear that stopped him.

 

Realizing he couldn't hide for the whole day, he kicked the covers off with a groan, made his way to the bathroom for a shower. Heading back towards the bedroom to get dressed, his phone rang, letting it go to voicemail, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

 

Breakfast consisted of warm leftover pizza from the previous night and cold beer, sitting on the couch, trying to distract himself. His phone vibrated as it rang again, seeing ‘Mom’ popping up on the screen.

 

“Hi, Mom, ” he greeted.

 

“Hi, honey. Listen, when you come by later, could you pick up something for dessert? I didn't much feel like making one.”

 

“Yeah, okay. Any special requests?” He asked before taking a drink of beer.

 

“Are you okay? You sound… I don't know.”

 

He scoffed softly. “I'm just super.”

 

“Dean, what's wrong?” She asked gently.

 

He wasn't doing this, feeling his eyes stinging, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I… don't want to talk about it, ” he managed to get out, clearing his throat. There was no way he was ‘talking boys’ with his  _ mother _ .

 

She was quiet for a few minutes. “You can tell me anything you know that, sweetheart.”

 

He was going to start crying if she didn't stop. “I'll pick something up, ” he said quickly before hanging up.

 

He cleared his throat, feeling the tightness in his chest still. No way was he giving into the tears which still threatened to overwhelm him. His first instinct was calling up Benny in hopes of a welcomed distraction but wasn't sure he would get beyond the voicemail. Feeling suddenly

claustrophobic, he got ready for the drive to his parents’, remembering he had been tasked to bringing dessert.

 

The bakery had been surprisingly crowded but he walked away with two different pies. If one thing was able to cheer him up the taste of apple pie would be the reason.

 

Pulling into the driveway, he saw his dad coming out of the garage, dragging a large metal trash can behind him, nodding once in greeting as Dean got out of the car.

 

“Trash night get changed?” Dean asked, walking around to the passenger side to grab the pies.

 

“Your mom tasked me to cleaning out the garage, ” John explained.

 

“Want some help?” Dean offered.

 

“Won’t turn down a helping hand, ” he shrugged.

 

Dean held up the bag slightly, indicating he was running inside for a moment. John nodded, continuing taking the trash can around the side of the house to empty in the bigger receptacle.

 

He went through the garage to go through to the kitchen, the aroma of chicken greeted him as well as his mom. Mary smiled brightly at him, taking the bag from his hand and hugged him. Dean had a feeling an interrogation was coming next.

 

“So Dad's finally cleaning the garage, huh?” He asked, hoping it would stop whatever she had planned to say. He should have known he wouldn't be that lucky.

 

“I'm tired of looking at the clutter, ” she rolled her eyes, putting the pies in the fridge. “Besides, I thought it would give us time to talk. Alone.”

 

“There's nothing to talk about, ” he tried dismissing.

 

“Something is going on. I can see it in your eyes.”

 

“I'm just tired, ” he tried playing it off. “Told Dad I'd help him with the garage.” He walked towards the door leading back to the garage, trying to avoid further scrutiny.

 

Mary said his name a few times but he refused to stop walking, shutting the door behind him. The garage radio still was playing classic rock music but his dad was nowhere in sight. Just as he stepped down into the garage, John came back around the corner.

 

“Where you want me to start at?” Dean asked, glancing over his shoulder at the back of the garage.

 

“You can sort out the tools on the bench there, ” John answered, nodding in the direction of the workbench.

 

He was surprised to see just how many tools were actually on the bench rather than being back in place in the tool chest. Rolling it closer to him, he sorted the tools according to what drawers they went in. By the time he finished the second drawer, he heard his dad's footsteps shuffling behind him, startling slightly when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

“How's it coming?” John asked, patting his shoulder twice in apology.

 

“Slow, ” Dean answered. “Surprised you can find anything in this mess. Nearly every tool's out.”

 

“Organized mess, ” John shrugged. “You're doing great, son.”

 

Dean smiled slightly, despite his dad not being able to see it. “Thanks.”

 

John was quiet for a few minutes but remained standing behind Dean. “Mom says you're down. Anything you want to talk about?”

 

There it was, the real reason his dad accepted Dean's help. He barely managed to refrain from sighing. “Not really.”

 

“What's got you down? Is it work?”

 

“No, work's fine. Just… going through something. I'll be okay. Mom worries too much.”

 

“That's what moms do best; worry. What's got you worried?”

 

He opened his mouth to answer, nervous what might tumbled out. Thankfully, he was at a loss for words, shaking his head instead. There was no way he could say anything. John saw his reluctance, patted him on the shoulder again before leaving him with his thoughts. Dean was both relieved and embarrassed. He wanted to talk to someone--anyone-- who might have been able to help him sort out his feelings. Someone who would have listened as he tried bumbling through how he felt for Benny. Someone who now wasn't there now when he needed them. Someone who was Cas. God, he missed Cas.

 

He wondered if Cas was still angry, blaming him for the breakup. Would he hang up if Dean called him? He hadn't exactly  _ promised _ he wouldn't ever talk to him again. Just said he would leave Cas alone. Thinking about it, he essentially had  _ two _ breakups over the course of twenty-four hours, both seemed to vie for the most painful. And he had no idea how to fix either one.

 

That wasn't entirely true. He knew what Benny wanted but just wasn't sure he could do it. What if he would never allow himself to simply just being with Benny comfortably out in public? Was it even fair Benny wanted him to? Lebanon was a small town which meant small minds. He wasn't ashamed of Benny, just didn't understand why Benny needed to flaunt them being together publically. Was it even that important?

 

“Dean?”

 

“Yeah?” Dean asked distractedly.

 

“What's going on, son? And spare me the bullshit of ‘nothing’. What is it? Are you in trouble?” John asked concerned.

 

Oh, he was in trouble all right, feeling a bubble of pressure rising in his chest, tears started welling in his eyes. “I can't do this, ” he whispered, the pressure threatening to crush him. “Please, Dad? Don't ask me, ” his voice crackling.

 

John grabbed Dean by both arms, pulling him closer. “What is it, Dean?”

 

The dam broke. He started talking, admitting everything that had happened with Cas, smartly leaving out the sex parts. Instead explained Cas had wanted more than Dean. He ended with telling his dad about Benny and how things ended between the two of them. Dean wiped away the few tears rolling down his cheeks, surprisingly feeling lighter. The pressure was now gone.

 

He chanced a glance at his dad, swallowing his nervousness. John just looked at him emotionless. “So you're saying you're gay?”

 

Dean couldn't decipher the tone in his dad's voice. “I think bisexual is probably the better word, ” he said slowly.

 

“Bi…, ” John shook his head, unable to say the word, stepping away from Dean.

 

He knew he shouldn't have said anything. Clearing his throat, he walked around his dad, heading back inside the house. For a moment, he had forgotten his mom was busy in the kitchen as he leaned back against the door, closing his eyes.

 

“Honey, are you okay?” She asked, rushing over to him. “What's wrong?”

 

He shook his head, not wanting a repeat himself with explaining. “Nothing, Mom, ” he forced a shaky smile. “Just a bad day.”

 

“Why don't you go upstairs and lie down on your bed? Dinner won't be ready for another couple of hours. Maybe just resting will help, ” she suggested, gently nudging him away from the door.

 

He nodded, wiping his eyes with his fingers, walking towards the stairs. As he reached his old room, he felt exhausted, a nap sounded fantastic. He shut the door before laying on the bed, the springs squeaked softly under his weight, rolling onto his back and linked his fingers behind his head, looking up at the ceiling. It wasn't too long before he ended up falling asleep

 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep when he was woken up by his parents clearly having an argument, unable to hear the words just hearing the angry tones in their voices. Whatever it was about, Dean knew his nap time was over. Walking downstairs, the words became clearer the closer he got to the kitchen. Their argument was about  _ him _ . Awesome. He stood just outside of the kitchen doorway, frowning as he listened, knowing he shouldn’t be eavesdropping but couldn’t help it. Words such as ‘faggot’ and ‘pansy’ from John made Dean flinch. So, his mom now knew that her son was a ‘faggot’, as his father described him. The unmistakable sound of a slap was hard to miss, sounding as if it echoed throughout the house. He prepared himself to jump in should the argument escalate any further from his father’s side. But instead, he heard the slamming of the garage door. Exhaling sharply, he thumped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to be the reason his parents argued, wishing he could have been the one to tell his news to his mom. Pushing off the wall, he walked into the kitchen, wondering about his reception from his mom. He didn’t have to wait long when she noticed him, smiling sadly at him.

 

“I suppose you heard?” She asked, sighing.

 

“Little hard to miss with the shouting,” he answered. “Look, Mom, I--,” he tried explaining.

 

“He was wrong to call you that, honey. I don’t want you thinking that’s how  _ I _ feel because it’s not, all right? You’re my son. My firstborn. And it doesn’t matter to me who you love. You’re still the same person you’ve always been. Your father just… needs time to accept what he’s already known for awhile. Try not to be too mad at him. For me, all right?”

 

“Wait, what do you mean ‘what he’s already known’?” Dean asked, not understanding. “Known what exactly?” He was missing something.

 

Mary sighed again, walking over to him and hugged him. “I’ve known for awhile, Dean, that you like both genders. It’s not exactly news to me.”

 

What? What did she mean she already knew? Knew  _ what _ exactly? “W-What do you know?” He asked softly, already knowing the answer.

 

She smiled reassuringly at him. “Cas,” she said simply.

 

He gasped softly, wishing he could disappear. He didn’t want to have this conversation with her, or anyone else for that matter. Cas was a sore subject he hoped to avoid indefinitely. “I...uh… I don’t wanna talk about th--...him,” he stammered.

 

“And we don’t have to. I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me, okay? You don’t have to hide from me, sweetheart. Not ever,” she said quickly, trying to reassure him.

 

“Okay, I’m done,” he said, pulling away, retreating back upstairs to his room. 

 

Sitting on the bed, he tried collecting his thoughts, unable to stop thinking about the angry words from his dad as well as the encouraging words from his mom. He still couldn’t believe his mom knew all these years. Although  _ what _ she knew he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know, worried she had an idea of what transpired between him and Cas. And what was that slap about? He knew his dad would never have raised a hand to her. Any other time, it might have been comical knowing his mom had slapped his dad. He couldn’t ever remember his mom lashing out at his dad like that. Who knew Mary Winchester had quite the temper?

 

By the time he was called down to dinner, he still hadn’t heard any sounds alerting his dad was joining them. In fact, when Dean stepped into the kitchen, he instantly noted that only two places were set at the table, glancing in the direction of the garage door, waiting for it to open.

 

“He’s not joining us,” she told him, setting a glass of juice in front of him as he sat down at the table.

 

“Did he leave?” Dean asked cautiously.

 

“I told him to stay out there until he’s ready to apologize,” she informed him firmly.

 

He looked at her in surprise. “Wow… kicking Dad to the garage. You didn’t have to do that, Mom. Really.”

 

“Yes, I did,” she argued. “He’s acting like an ass and he’s not welcome to sit with me.” She looked at him with a look of defiance, waiting for any further comments.

 

Dean nodded, looking at the garage door once again. He knew she would make a plate for his dad, making sure he had something to eat even if she was pissed at him. Once she set a filled plate in front of him, he picked up his fork and started eating, trying to ignore the guilt washing over him. Conversation was slow between them, each not really putting much effort into trying, both seemingly lost in their thoughts, finding it hard to believe his mom actually knew the secret he struggled with for as long as he remembered. She knew. She knew while he lived in fear of their reaction if they found out. She knew while he hated himself because he knew he wasn’t entirely straight. She knew and said nothing. Not a single word of reassurance from her about knowing and she still loved him. Not a single word of anything. Frustrated, he dropped his fork noisily on his plate, glaring at her. “You knew?” He demanded. “You knew all this time and just what… decided it wasn’t worth mentioning? You know how long I’ve been scared of saying something, or doing something that would out me? And now you’re telling me you knew? Hmm? How is that not even fucked up, Mom?”

 

“Watch your language with me, Dean,” she snapped. “I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to. You’re like your father, Dean. Neither one of you are willing to talk about your feelings. What do you think would’ve happened if I started talking to you about this? You would have fought me tooth and nail, refusing to listen. That’s why I waited until  _ you _ were ready to talk. And look how long it took you, Dean. You’re almost twenty-six and just now are willing to talk. But I’m here and ready to listen to whatever you need to say. Don’t mistake my reluctance as not caring. Because that’s the furthest from the truth. You are my son and I will love you no matter what.” Her voice grew softer and calmer as she finished.

 

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, looked at his mom and nodded with understanding. She was right after all. He had never been one to freely discuss whatever he was feeling, preferably keeping it all bottled up or better yet; complete ignoring the situation. He remembered doing that with his confusing feelings, choosing to ignore them rather than dealing with them. Would he have had an easy time if he had just talked to her? It was too late to know now, but it was just his own fears which prevented him from saying anything. He ran his hand through his hair, exhaling sharply. “I met someone… a guy someone,” he said slowly, waiting for any negative reactions from her. “H-His name is Benny.”

 

“Benny,” she repeated, smiling. “Tell me about him. How did you two meet?”

 

He scoffed, smiling as he thought of Benny. “Um, he’s actually the cousin of one of the guys at work, Tim. He invited me over for dinner one night, wanting me to meet his cousin who moved up here from Louisiana of all places.”

 

“Does he have that Southern accent?” She asked, intrigued.

 

“Yeah,” Dean chuckled. “He’s definitely Cajun. I think you’d like him. He’s just… kind, and funny, and actually went to culinary school to become a chef, believe it or not. He’s shown me a few things in the kitchen, helped me organize things around so it’d be easier to find and work with. He’s forever schooling me about ingredients when we’re at the store. What stuff works better with whatever you’re making.”

 

“Sounds like you really like him,” she noted, reaching across the table for his hand.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I think I do. Except…,” he left hanging.

 

“Except what?” She asked after a few minutes.

 

“He kinda put us on hold, I guess. Said he wants to give me time to figure out what I want. But the thing is, I miss him. It’s only been two days and I miss him. And then there’s Cas.” She didn’t reply, knowing he would start talking whenever he was ready. “I mean, he said something about me ruining his life, which I don’t really get what he means. I know he said his boyfriend walked out on him because of me. But I’m here and he’s there. How can I be the reason for their breakup? And I guess I didn’t handle that conversation the best and kind of got drunk. Benny found me the next day still passed out on the couch. He tried sobering me up the best he could. Fed me, made me cleaned up. Then afterwards, we went to the store cause he said my fridge was empty. And he then started touching me. Nothing grotesque, just like a hand on my arm or trying to hold my hand. But I got scared that someone might see us and pulled away. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. I was just not wanting to make a scene, is all. Instead, we got into a fight and that’s when he said he was gonna give me a week to decide what I want. I know I want to be with him, I do. But why does he need to make a spectacle by touching me? I don’t get that.” He finished, looked at her in hopes of some answers. Or at least point him in the direction of understanding better.

 

Mary blinked a few times, working out what he told her in his rushed ranting. “So you got two separate situations going it sounds like,” she commented. “Which one do you want to talk about first?” She asked, taking a bite of her food.

 

Dean picked up his fork, took a bite of his own food, thinking about his answer. “Cas, I guess. I wish I could call and ask him what he meant but I can’t.”

 

“Why can’t you?” She asked as if the phone call solved anything.

 

“Because he told me to leave him alone, Mom. I just kinda hung up after he said that. I don’t want to bother him if that’s how he sees our… me,” he said sadly. “I think it’s best just to let him be. If he wants to talk to me, he knows how to get a hold of me.”

 

“Is he not worth trying to fight for your friendship, honey? You said he broke up with his boyfriend? You did, too, right? Can’t you understand how he might be feeling? People say things out of anger. It doesn’t make what they say right but it does give an explanation about why they behaved that way.”

 

“Like with Dad?” He challenged.

 

“Your father’s a different matter, honey. He wasn’t speaking out of anger. Not really. He’s just having a hard time realizing that sometimes parents put too much pressure on what their kids should be. He needs to realize that you’re no different now then when you first got here today.”

 

“You think he’ll come around?” He glanced at the garage door again. “Maybe I should just go. You guys already got into a fight because of me. I don’t want to be the reason another couple are fighting.”

 

“You’re not going anywhere. At least until you clean your plate. Besides, who else is going to help me eat those pies you brought?” She smiled easily with her tease.

 

Dean bobbed his head slightly in agreement, continuing to eat. “Think I should call him? I mean what do I say? ‘Hey, sorry for ruining your life. What’s new with you?’ Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go off well.”

 

“Maybe just let him know that if he needs a friend, you’re always willing to talk to him. It’s not about what you need, Dean. He’s hurting the same as you are. Just let him know you’re there for him as a friend. Nothing else needs to be said,” she suggested.

 

“I just wish things were different between us. We used to spend hours just talking about nothing. There isn’t anything I didn’t know about him and him about me. But now… now it’s like we’re two complete strangers. I don’t get why things had to change. I even promised him nothing would change between us when he moved there. The only thing it’s done is hurt us.”

 

“He just needs time, honey. So, do you. Maybe wait to reach out to him until you resolved your issues with Benny. You won’t be a good listener if you’re too worried about what you need to say. Sometime just saying nothing says everything. Give him a few days then try calling him. Make it clear you don’t expect anything but just want to be there for him. I’m sure he’ll appreciate that. If he did that, you’d appreciate it just as well. Don’t give up on him, honey. You two have been friends for so long. You two will find your way back to each other. I know it.”

 

She sounded so hopeful, he wished he shared her beliefs. It was hard to truly believe her after everything happened in L.A. No amount of apologies would even start making up for him abandoning his best friend. But she was right about one thing. They have been friends for so long. He had heard all relationships went through different stages at times, whether they were romantic or just friendship. He hoped her belief they would be back to being friends came true. He really missed Cas.

 

“And what does the wise mother say I should do about Benny?” He asked, smiling as he took another bite. Yet another relationship he wasn’t sure would survive the storm, so to speak.

 

“I think that depends on you.”

 

He looked at her in surprise. “On me? I’m not the one who cut and ran.”

 

“Dean, he didn’t ‘cut and run’. He gave you the decision to decide where to go from here. You told me you miss him. I watched you as you told me about him. Your face lit up completely and you were smiling even though you two are on a temporary break. That shows me that you care about him. There’s no reason why you should be scared about him touching you when you guys are out. I think that has more to do with you than him. You’re not yet comfortable with yourself. Those little touches are innocent. They’re just a way for him to let you know he’s there with you. I’ve seen people touching each other’s arms like that. Parents with their kids. Kids with the parents. Even friends. It’s just a way to stay connected. But in your mind you see it as shameful. Maybe you need a little bit more time getting comfortable with yourself.”

 

He shook his head, impressed with her armchair psychology into his troubled relationships. “I think you might’ve missed your calling, Mom.”

 

“Years of watching  _ Oprah _ and  _ Dr.Phil _ ,” she shrugged.

 

“You give ‘em both a run for their money. But I hear what you’re saying. I thought I was okay with it, you know? The whole… liking guys thing. But I still struggle with it sometimes, yeah. Guess I need a few more days to think about it. Not about Benny but about how I get comfortable with myself.”

 

“See? You have your own insight on things just as well,” she chuckled.

 

They finished eating, easily finding something lighter to talk about. As usual, they started talking about Sam and whether or not they each thought he would ever return home. That was always Mary’s wish, both her sons returning to Lawrence. Dean hadn’t yet made up his mind about Lebanon, even wondered if Benny would be open to the idea of moving. If he could drive nearly four hours one way every week to see his parents, then surely Benny would to see his family.

 

By the time dessert was over, John finally made an appearance. Dean kept his gaze down to what was left of his pie, half prepared for his parents to start fighting again. Only this time he had a front row seat. Instead, John sat in his usual spot, clearing his throat as Mary brought his plate over to him after heating it up in the microwave.

 

“What did I miss?” He asked, looking between them.

 

“Nothing much,” she answered, fairly cooly. “Dean was telling me about the man he’s seeing. He sounds really wonderful.”

 

Dean winced slightly, wishing his mom hadn’t said anything. For a few minutes John didn’t say anything, but Dean felt his dad’s eyes on him. “Mom,” he whispered.

 

“This is going to take some getting used to,” John said, leaning one elbow on the table as he looked at Dean.

 

Dean lifted his head, meeting his dad’s gaze. “What do you mean?”

 

“I never thought I would have a conversation about a man with my son. But, let’s hear it. Tell me about Mr. Wonderful,” he encouraged.

 

Dean looked at his mom, not sure he was hearing right. Was he actually suggesting Dean talk about Benny? Or was this some kind of trick where he would start making snide comments again. “Um, what do you wanna know?” Dean asked nervously, glancing at his mom. She didn’t seem surprised at the question, smiling at John.

 

“A name might be a start,” John chuckled.

 

“Benny. His name is Benny.” Dean still wasn’t entirely sure he trusted his dad’s line of questioning.

 

“Benny. And what does Benny do?”

 

“He works as a chef at one of the local restaurants. And also helps out at his uncle’s farm. It’s not far from town and has about a hundred dairy cows.”

 

“And he’s a chef? He’s gonna have his hands full trying to keep you fed,” John teased, laughing at his own joke. Mary simply rolled her eyes, despite smiling.

 

“I eat just fine, Dad,” Dean smiled. “We both sorta do the cooking. Okay, maybe he does more than me but I still can hold my own in the kitchen.”

 

“How long you two been… what’s the word?.... Seeing each other?”

 

“Just a couple of months now. Kinda taking it slow, getting to know each other, not really rushing into anything.” The memory of the awesome blow job nearly had him blushing.

 

“Maybe you can bring him to dinner sometime. Give us a chance to meet this fellow,” John suggested, scooping up mashed potatoes onto his fork.

 

Dean blinked at him, stunned. Was his dad really suggesting he bring Benny to dinner? “Uh… sure,” he drawled out, looking at his mom. “I can say something to him. See if he could get some time away.” That gave him the perfect excuse when Benny wouldn’t show, citing work obligations. His mom gave him a sad smile.

 

“Dean brought two pies,” Mary said quickly, trying to change the subject for Dean’s sake. “Would you like a slice, John?”

 

“Yeah, sure. And maybe a scoop of that vanilla ice cream that’s in the freezer unless it’s gone.”

 

“Nope, still have it,” Mary informed him.

 

Dean still was trying to wrap his head around the idea his dad wanted to meet Benny. What about what he overheard his dad saying about him? Obviously John didn’t know he was listening but that didn’t make it any less painful hearing. “So you’re okay with me being… you know?”

 

John’s eyes flitted quickly to look at him, stopping chewing for a few seconds. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Honey, it doesn’t matter,” she warned lightly, looking at John.

 

“Just means that I heard what you said earlier, calling me a ‘faggot’. Now you’re sitting here suggesting I bring Benny over to dinner. I don’t see how that’s not suspicious.”

 

John swallowed the mouthful of food, still looking at him. “You weren’t meant to…. I never should’ve said that.”

 

“I wasn’t meant to… what? To hear what you think about me?” Dean challenged, refusing to back down.

 

“Dean, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry,” John told him honestly.

 

Dean couldn’t remember the last time he heard his dad apologize for anything. Always ready to place blame on the other person rather than apologizing. Easy with the comments, slow with the apologies. He just looked at his dad, looking for any signs of deceit but didn’t see anything. Rather than say anything, he just nodded in acceptance.

 

John frowned. “I mean it, Dean. It just took me by surprise and I reacted badly. I want you to know that’s not how I see you, son. All right? You’re still my boy… no matter who you’re with.”

 

Dean smiled slightly, nodding again. “Thanks, Dad,” he said simply.

 

The rest of the evening was spent went smoothly, Dean talking to his dad about work and about life in Lebanon, leaving out his feelings of discontentment. By eight o’clock, Dean was already on his way home, the last remaining pieces of pie packed away in foil sitting next to him. As he drove, he thought about everything his mom told him, thinking about how many days he should let pass before calling Cas. Or if he should try calling Benny first. He had no idea what to say to either of them, hoping maybe something profound came to him when he actually called, hoping whatever it was would be enough to make things right with both relationships. As his mom said, Cas was hurting because of the breakup with his boyfriend. He remembered how easily Cas blamed himself whenever a relationship soured, not that he had many experiences of breaking up with someone. Dean remembered Inias being the only real relationship Cas had in the past. Whoever this Matthew guy was, he made a mistake breaking up with a fantastic guy like Cas. But he had his own fantastic guys breaking up with him. Or maybe it was like his mom said and it was only temporary, praying she was right. The rest of the drive home he thought of what he might say to Benny, hoping it wasn’t too late for them.

 


	20. Chapter 20

From the moment he drove home from his parents’ house, he began working out how best to win back Benny. Burgers weren’t exactly a romantic meal but he still could prepare everything else for a night of romance, even going so far as to buying new sheets for the bed. He texted Benny during his lunch break at work, asking about having dinner together that Friday, a full week since he had last talked to him. He smiled with surprise when Benny quickly texted back that dinner sounded great, saying he would be over at six. For the first time in a week, Dean actually felt a bit more confident things were going working out with Benny. 

 

Cas, however, was a different matter. Dean had tried several times either calling or texting, both of which were left unanswered. He hoped it meant more Cas was busy than actively ignoring him. Thirteen years of friendship was on the line and he had no idea what his next move was. Maybe once he got everything straightened out with Benny, he would try reaching out to Cas again. He was only able to concentrate on one thing at the moment and currently that was Benny. 

 

He grew more nervous by the day, so by the end of the week, his nerves felt frazzled. Tim teased him a few times about heading to the bar in search of Tiffany again just so he calmed down. It wasn’t exactly the opening Dean hoped for, but told Tim exactly what was going on between him and Benny, half expecting being punched in the mouth for the fight or even messing around with his family. Instead, he was surprised when Tim informed him he already knew about them. Apparently, Benny had asked Tim before their first date if he was okay with them dating. The idea of Benny asking for ‘permission’ to start dating his cousin’s friend was almost comical and yet sweet. 

 

Friday was a swirling of emotions that nearly had Dean puking his guts just from nervousness alone, thankful he had prior permission to leave early that afternoon. He needed time to get everything just right. The burgers were already formed, just waiting in the fridge to be cooked. The apartment was cleaned, the new sheets were already on the bed as of that morning, just in case. He would follow Benny’s lead, whether that meant they took the next step together as a couple or stepped back as being just friends, knowing which way he hoped things would go. 

 

He forced himself not to continuously watch the alarm clock changing numbers as he got ready, deciding on a pair of his best blue jeans--the only ones without any engine grease stains-- and his favorite short-sleeved Henley. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he decided against doing anything to his hair. The hell with it, it didn’t look  _ that _ bad, combing the top to the side a bit. His nerves raised a notch when he noted he had half an hour before Benny was to show, exhaling a few times as well as whispering words of encouragement to himself. Was it normal being this nervous about a date when they had already been dating for the last two months? It was frustrating at times how little he found he knew about actually dating someone, man or woman. Or maybe that was the rub. He was dating a man so there was different expectations… right? He could schmooze females without thinking twice about it. But when it came to guys? They all left him feeling like an bumbling, babbling idiot. Definitely not a feeling he thought was a positive thing. 

 

Heading into the kitchen, he started getting all the ingredients he needed for dinner, the skillet already out and sitting on his favorite burner of the stove. He nearly missed the sound of the knocking on the front door as he started cutting up the onion and tomato to go with the burgers. Grabbing the kitchen towel to wipe his hands, he flipped it over one shoulder as he answered the door, instantly smiling when he saw Benny. 

 

“On the nose,” Benny smiled, meaning his arriving at exactly the time they agreed upon.

 

“Could’ve come early. I would’ve been ready,” Dean shrugged, stepping aside to allow him inside.

 

“I’ll remember that next time,” Benny chuckled, intentionally brushing past Dean as he stepped inside. 

 

Dean closed his eyes briefly, shutting the door, willing his body not to react from the innocent brush. “Want a beer? I got some chilling in the fridge,” he offered.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Benny smiled, following Dean towards the kitchen. “I ain’t smelling anything cooking. We ordering in?”

 

“Nah, just ain’t started it yet. Didn’t want the burgers to dry out if I made them too early,” Dean answered, walking to the fridge and retrieved two beer bottles, holding one out towards him.

 

Benny chuckled as he took the beer, holding it up slightly in thanks. “Learned a few things after all, I see?” He teased, twisting the top and took a drink.

 

“A few,” Dean smiled before taking his own drink. 

 

Neither one said anything as they watched each other from opposite sides of the kitchen. There was so much he wanted to say but wasn’t sure where to begin. “So…,” he said after a few minutes, clearing his throat. “This just got awkward really fast.”

 

“There’s a lot we should talk about, ” Benny said softly. “But that can wait ‘till we’re actually sitting down. How’s that?”

 

“I think that’s doable. And I, uh, agree. About the talking part. I’m just not very… good at it. Talking about things.”

 

“Yeah, I kinda got that,” Benny scoffed, pulling out a chair from the table, sitting down.

 

“Well, all right,” Dean said softly, surprised Benny hadn’t exactly denied it.

 

They slipped into easy,  _ safe _ conversation about how their week went since last seeing each other, purposely avoiding anything which might bring up their fight as Dean started the burgers as well as the rest of their dinner. As they talked, Dean’s gaze fell to the single white candle in the middle of the table, realizing it was too late he had forgotten about wanting to light it in hopes of making a more romantic ambience, a sense of disappointment washing over him. Finally their food was done, filling both their plates with burgers and cooked vegetables, although he wouldn’t count himself as being a vegetable eater but knew Benny liked them. The entire evening had been planned around what he knew Benny liked. The side dishes with the burgers. The romantic candles. Even a bottle of the red wine Benny preferred. Dean wanted-- _ needed _ \-- everything to be perfect tonight. 

 

Benny must have sensed Dean’s nervousness, reaching across the table with his palm up in silent request for his hand. Dean smiled, placing his hand into Benny’s, both gently squeezing the other’s hand. “Thank you for dinner, Dean,” Benny told him honestly.

 

“They’re just burgers. Couldn't think of anything else to make,” Dean teased with a soft laugh. “You might think it’s shitty.”

 

“Doubtful, cher. You made them.”   
  


Dean hadn’t realized how much he missed hearing the term of endearment until now, his stomach swooping with hope once again. He wanted to say something back but the words were caught in his throat, clearing his throat instead.

 

“I’ve missed you,” Benny continued. “A week’s a long time not talking to someone.”

 

“I’ve missed you, too, Benny. Last week when you left, I didn’t realize just how much of a part of my life you are. I kept expecting the phone to ring or hear I got a new text. It killed me with the silence.”

 

Benny picked up a piece of cooked carrot, popping it into his mouth, giving himself time to think of what to say in return. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Dean. I wanted to make sure you know what you want. I don’t like feeling as if you’re ashamed or embarrassed of me when I touch you when we’re out. And that’s exactly how I felt. Like I’m your dirty little secret.”

 

Dean listened as he slowly chewed his food. “That’s not how I want you to feel. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of you. I’m not. I guess I’m not as comfortable with myself as I thought.”

 

“I know about those struggles. I went through them, too. That deer-caught-in-headlights moment when touched on the arm or holding hands. Afraid what other people think or say if they saw you holding hands with a man. I probably should have handled it a little better and not have taken it so personally. But I need to know that you want me in your life.”

 

“I  _ do _ want you in my life, Benny. I actually told my parents about you, and about me.”

 

“How did that go?” Benny asked, remembering the conversation he had with his mom once realizing he was gay and those feelings just weren’t going away no matter how much he had ignored them.

 

“Uh, it was a bit… enlightening, I guess,” Dean scoffed softly, pushing his carrots around his plate with his fork. “Mom wasn’t exactly surprised and Dad kind of needed a while to accept the news. Guess he knew, too, but just kind of forgot. So when I told them, he kinda had an asshole moment.”

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. That’s always a hard thing to guess. How our friends and family’ll react to our coming out,” Benny told him gently. 

 

Dean remembered Benny had said he lost friends when he came out to them. Something Dean hadn’t even thought about, truthfully. He didn’t really have a whole bunch of friends. Obviously Tim was the closest to a best friend he had since moving to Lebanon. Even when he had still lived at home, Dean could have counted the number of friends he had on one hand with fingers still left over. It wasn’t he didn’t socializing with anyone. He just preferred spending time with either Cas or Sam, nothing wrong with that. “Guess they figured out there was more between Cas and me than friendship, even if I didn’t always admit it.”

 

“Was there?” Benny asked. The way Dean talked about the man, Benny wondered if Dean wasn’t still harboring feelings for his friend. 

 

“Between me and Cas?” Dean asked, clarifying what Benny was asking.

 

“Yeah,” Benny nodded.

 

“Nothing but just a close friendship. But…,” he paused, unsure if he should keep explaining. But he didn’t like the way what happened with Cas seemed to be looming over him constantly. “When I was helping Cas move out to California… things kinda happened with him.” He lowered his gaze, trying to hide his shame.

 

“You two slept together?” Benny asked pointedly.

 

“Yeah,” Dean nodded slightly. “And I kinda freaked out and left him.”

 

“Left him?”

 

“Left California,” Dean answered. “It was a douche move and I can’t even begin to start apologizing to him for that. Things’ve been strained between us because of me leaving. I didn’t really handle it the right way. That morning you came by and found me passed out? Cas told me in no certain terms that I ruined his life. Guess he just broke up with his boyfriend and he blames me. Though I’m not exactly sure how I contributed to the breakup, but okay. I guess if he wants to blame me, he can.” He hadn’t planned on telling Benny the truth about Cas. But felt if he hadn’t somehow it was a deception, something to later hurt his relationship with Benny. 

 

“Why’d you leave?” Benny asked, needing to know if there was a chance Dean would repeat the action.

 

“Wasn’t yet ready to admit I was bi. Cas wasn’t the first guy I’ve been with but was the one I ended up hurting the most. Well, guess that includes you now,” he scoffed sarcastically.

 

“Dean, listen,” Benny sighed. “I can’t speak for Cas since I don’t know the guy. But you already said you told your parents about us. You’re ready to let people know who you really are. Coming out and accepting who you are are two different things, Dean. Neither of them is easy to do. I hated myself for the longest time just because I wasn’t what my friends thought I should be. At least until I met Pierre. He really helped me accept myself and understand not everyone is going to like I’m gay. But the ones who really know me and love me are the ones who I associate myself with. Those are the types of people you need to surround yourself with. The ones who don’t give two fucks if you’re with a man or a woman.”

 

“That’s the hardest part. Knowing who’s willing to be stick with me and not high tail it. I don’t have a whole bunch of friends. I count Tim as the closest thing to a best friend I’ve got here. I even count you as a friend, man. But I’m also hoping that we can keep dating. If you want, I mean. Obviously, it’s what we both want and not just what I want.”

 

“I knew when you invited me over for dinner that it meant more than just friendship. So, yeah. I’d like to resume our relationship as well. I’ll try being more understanding about your struggles. It’s just been so long and like second nature to me to touch whoever I’m with that I forgot not everyone is at the same pace as I am. But promise me you’re at least willing to continue working on being comfortable with me publically?”

 

Dean was unable to stop smiling. Benny was willing to give him a second chance. “Yeah. Yeah, I promise,” he agreed quickly. “I want us both to be comfortable with each other.”

 

Benny leaned over towards him, kissing him for the first time since showing up. Dean hummed softly, eyes closed as he relished being able to kiss him again after a week. Benny gently pushed his tongue in Dean’s mouth. Without breaking contact, Dean stood up and quickly slid onto Benny’s lap. Benny was the first one to pull away after a few minutes. 

 

“If we don’t stop, cher, I might not be able to,” he warned softly.

 

“Maybe I don’t want us to stop,” Dean told him, rutting against Benny. 

 

Benny moaned, capturing Dean’s mouth again in a searing kiss, his hand reaching between them and rubbed the outline of Dean’s obvious erection. Dean moaned, moving his hips against Benny’s hand, the wooden chair squeaking slightly from their movements. Benny grabbed Dean’s hips, pushing them harder against each other. 

 

“Oh, god,” Dean moaned, his head falling back. “Fuck, I want you,” his voice thick with arousal.

 

“Bedroom. Now,” Benny practically growled roughly.

 

Dean moaned again at the demand, reluctantly getting up with one last kiss before leading Benny to the bedroom. Once there, he pushed him against the wall, kissing him with just as much passion as just a few minutes ago. It was only a few minutes before Benny pushed Dean back onto the bed, chuckling when he bounced slightly. Dean bit his bottom lip, looking up at Benny with wide, lust blown eyes. Benny kept eye contact when he slowly unbuttoned his pants and discarded them. Dean began undoing his own jeans but Benny kneeled on the bed, swatting at Dean’s hands with a smirk. Letting his hands drop to his sides, Dean watched with fascination as Benny’s fingers continued removing his jeans, yanking his underwear down in the process. 

 

“Do you got--,” Benny started asking, stopping when Dean wiggled out from under him towards the nightstand to grab the lube and a condom before wiggling back down to where he was on the bed.

“How do you want to do this?” He whispered, reaching down to teasingly stroke Dean with just the palm of his hand.

 

Dean moaned loudly instead of answering, unable to say anything. His hips lifted up against Benny’s hand, trying to find more friction. He whimpered when Benny stopped stroking him, looking at him questioningly. 

 

“Answer me,” Benny demanded gently.

 

“Please,” Dean pleaded. He didn’t want to be thinking about anything other than Benny touching him. “Benny, please. Touch me.”

 

“Touch you? Like this?” Benny teased, wrapping his fingers around Dean’s cock, stroking him slowly. 

 

Dean couldn’t stop his hips from lifting upwards again, feeling his eyes practically rolling in the back of his head. That felt so fucking good. “Y-Yeah… like that,” he moaned. “Oh...uhn… fuck.” Another whimper escaped when Benny stopped again, watching as he picked up the lube, squirting some onto his fingers. Nervousness hit Dean, worried he wouldn’t be able to take Benny’s thick fingers, getting more aroused in anticipation as well. 

 

Benny once again wrapped his fingers around Dean's cock, stroking slowly as his lubed fingers started running over Dean's entrance, Dean moaning softly. Benny stroked along the edge of Dean's hole, swiping his thumb across it every few minutes as he bent down between Dean's legs, taking his cock into his mouth.

 

Dean arched up, moaning louder from the wet warmth enveloping him, his hand running through Benny's hair, the moans becoming soft exhales as Benny ran his tongue along the underside of Dean's shaft. Once… twice...three times he took as much of Dean as he could, lips grazing the base of Dean’s erection before coming back up to the top and starting all over again. Dean writhes from the feeling of it all, fists grabbing tightly at the comforter under him. Benny lifted his head, taking in how wrecked Dean looked. 

 

Gazes still locked onto each other, Benny slowly pushed the first knuckle of his index finger inside Dean, who gasped from both the intrusion and the feeling. Dean's legs opened wider in invitation, his hands grabbed a hold of Benny's wrist, nodding in a plea to keep going. His eyes closed as Benny fingered him slowly, continuing until he found a pace which caused Dean to moan again, moving his hips to meet Benny's hand. 

 

“ _ Fuck! _ ” Dean gasped. “Oh!... Benny…. don't stop… like that!”

 

Benny smirked at him, enjoying the pleading, his fingertip brushed against Dean's prostate, a louder gasp was the result. Benny teased Dean, stroking his prostate randomly, never keeping the same pattern. Dean whimpered in a mix of frustration and satisfaction until he couldn't take any more.

 

“PLEASE!” He called out, gripping tighter of Benny's wrist.

 

“What, Dean? What you want?” Benny asked, feigning innocence, keeping up the teasing.

 

“I need you… to fuck me. Please?” 

 

“Yeah? You think you're ready for me?”

 

“Yes. Yes! Now!” Dean shouted, moving his hips to get more friction where he needed it.

 

“Aww, ” Benny drawled out softly. “But I'm enjoying myself. See? If I just do this…” he firmly stroked Dean's prostate, chuckling as Dean’s back arched again, screaming ‘there’. “You like that. But if I stop, then you're begging for more, ” Benny continued.

 

And beg Dean did, a stray tear escaped from the corner of his eye. Benny nodded, pulling his finger out of Dean. Seeing a pack of wet wipes in the still opened nights and drawer, he used the time of cleaning his hands off to give Dean time to calm back down. 

 

“Please say you're gonna fuck me?” Dean begged, looking up at him. He had never been teased like that before, all worked up without immediate release. He both loved it and hated it. 

 

Benny felt rather then saw Dean watching him, cleaning his hands slowly, knowing exactly what his stalling was doing to Dean. Setting the wet wipe down on the nightstand, Benny looked down at Dean.

 

“Make no mistake… I'm most definitely going to ‘fuck you’ and good., ” Benny warned him in a low rumbled tone.

 

Dean whimpered in anticipation, “ _ Please _ , Benny.” God, he was so aroused, stroking himself trying to keep himself just on the edge.

 

“Uh, uh, uh, ” Benny singsonged. “No cheating, Dean. I'm gonna be the one doing all the touching tonight.”

 

Dean nearly cried. He tried exhaling a few times in hopes of calming down. “I… can't. Please, please,  _ please _ let me come. I need to come so bad, ” he begged.

 

Benny looked too pleased about himself. “I can see that, ” he chuckled, walking to the foot of the bed, stroking Dean's leg. “You look damn good waiting for me. Maybe I'll just watch you for a tad longer.”

 

“No!” Dean practically shouted. “Fuck me. Fuck me now, Benny!”

 

“Oh, you do want it bad, don't you?” Benny asked, laying between Dean's legs again. He licked a stripe along Dean's shaft. Dean arched up again, crying out, his hands grabbed hold of Benny's hair tightly. 

 

After a few minutes, he took Dean's cock back into his mouth, slowly bobbing his head as he sucked, swirling his tongue along the way. Dean started fucking Benny's mouth, moaning louder each time his pelvis tapped Benny's lips. He was going to come… he was going to come… he was going to… What? Why the hell did it stop again? 

 

Lifting his head, he saw Benny wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Son of a bitch! Benny promised he was going to get fucked. What the hell was he doing? Dean opened his mouth to ask but closed it quickly, seeing Benny stroking himself in preparation to finally fuck him, mesmerized.

 

“Get on all fours, ” Benny instructed. “I wanna fuck you from behind.”

 

Dean quickly scrambled on the bed, getting into position, looking back at Benny. “I’m ready, ” he said.

 

“I know you are, ” Benny agreed, kneeling on the bed behind him.

 

Dean’s head fell forward, biting his bottom lip, feeling Benny rubbing the outside of Dean's hole. Before he had a chance to protest, Benny pushed his way inside him.  Hearing him wincing, Benny didn't move, letting Dean getting used to him. After a few minutes, Dean relaxed somewhat, started rocking back, softly moaning. Good fucking god, he swore he felt Benny in his abdomen but damn if it didn't feel good. 

 

Benny grabbed Dean by the hips, stilling him. “ _ I'm _ fucking  _ you _ , remember?” He growled in Dean's ear. Sure enough, Benny started moving hips, pushing further into him. The sounds Dean made earlier were nothing compared to the sounds he made now. Whatever thought he had of what it might feel like when Benny finally fucked him were nothing compared to the reality. He rocked back against Benny as fast as he could, crying out louder each time. Benny’s moans mixed with Dean's, reaching around and stroked Dean's cock. Dean screamed as he came, not having a chance to warn Benny. Benny fucked him through his orgasm, coming hard himself after a few minutes. They both collapsed on the mattress, panting heavily. 

 

“Whatever… you did… I want… that… again,” Dean panted, rolling onto his back, stretching out spread eagle. 

 

“You sure did a lot of bitching for something you liked,” Benny chuckled. 

 

“I wasn’t bitching,” Dean argued, his breathing slowly returning to normal. “I’m just impatient. But,  _ damn _ if that wasn’t awesome.”

 

“I wouldn’t mind a repeat performance.”

 

“I’m gonna need some time to recuperate, dude,” Dean frowned, thinking Benny meant that moment.

 

Benny laughed softly. “We got all the time in the world, cher,” he said softly, turning his head to look at Dean with a smile. 

 

“Yeah?” Dean asked, hope curling in his stomach he hadn’t fucked things up with Benny. 

 

“Yeah,” Benny repeated, rolling onto his side facing Dean, kissing him softly. 

 

“Are we okay?” Dean asked once he pulled away.

 

Benny smiled. “I say we're better than okay.”

 

For the rest of the evening, soft kisses and exploring touches were exchanged. Both sated, feeling the need of touching each other. Relief washed over him when Benny said they were okay. 

 

“I'm sorry I'm a fuckup, ” Dean whispered.

 

“Who said you were a fuckup?” Benny asked, pulling away slightly to look at him.

 

“Me, ” Dean scoffed. “Too chicken shit to figure I want you.”

 

“You got me now, cher, ” Benny reassured him. “I ain't going nowhere unless you tell me to hit the road.”

 

Dean grinned at him. “You had it right by saying you ain't going nowhere.”

 

They kept talking, Dean was the first one drifting off to sleep before Benny joined him. The next morning, they made slow, sweet love which left Dean not any less a screaming mess. By the time Benny finally left later that afternoon, Dean was absolutely sore in places he didn't know could hurt, but definitely satisfied.

 

It all came crashing down nearly two weeks later when Benny received word from his sister their mother wasn't doing well. Delphine practically begged Benny to return home, needing help with the planning everything which came from an expected funeral. The minute Dean heard he knew explicitly his relationship with Benny was over. Benny was too obligated towards his sister to return from Louisiana. Tim and his parents were joining Benny on his trek back to Baton Rouge. Tim would be returning back after a few days with his parents but this was the last time Dean would be seeing Benny, a realization which left them both depressed. 

 

Their last evening together was spent enjoying cooking a romantic meal despite neither really having much of an appetite. Touches felt cautious as if afraid of letting things go too far but unable to stop touching as well. Dean tried not letting his sadness ruin his last night with Benny who looked to be fighting his own internal battle of feelings. So much was left unspoken between them. No words of love nor promises of keeping in touch were bothered to be uttered. What was the point of saying anything? Dean didn't want his proclamation of love uttered with his words of goodbye. Benny seemed to have the same belief. 

 

Dean didn't ask Benny about staying the night, not wanting to watch him actually driving away in the morning. Instead, Dean stayed inside once Benny left, proud of himself for actually managing to wait until Beny left before breaking down, swearing he felt his heart literally breaking. This was too much and he felt too weak, swearing he wouldn't fall that hard for anyone else again.

  
  



	21. Chapter 21

It was promising to be yet another nice Spring day in late April, though forecasters kept claiming for the last week rain was coming. Dean leaned back slightly, pushing on his lower back in hopes it cracked, looking up at the sky, deciding if rain was looming in the distance. He shot the heavily rusted 1951 Ford 1 truck another glare, hating the vehicle more by the minute. 

 

Since moving back to Lawrence almost two years ago, he had been working at Bobby's Auto Salvage and Restoration. Most days were spent walking a customer through the yard picking through the endless amounts of scrapped cars in search of still working replacement car parts. But for the last week, Bobby had him working on the aging truck which belonged to Fergus Crowley, a classic vehicle enthusiast. Crowley had been a loyal customer for all his restoration needs, only now Dean was enlisted to bringing back the truck to its former glory. 

 

Heavy footsteps announced Bobby's presence. Dean glanced at him over his shoulder, noting Bobby carrying two bottles of beer in his hand. He quickly wiped his hands on the oil rag.

 

“How's it coming?” Bobby asked, handing him a bottle of beer.

 

Dean smiled slightly in appreciation, taking the bottle, twisting the cap and took a healthy drink. “Slow, ” he answered, shrugging. “You sure you wanna put in the time to fix her up? It ain't gonna be cheap or fast.”

 

“That's what I hired you for, idjit, ” Bobby snarked. “Crowley's a damn good paying customer. He wants her fixed up, so we're fixing her up.”

 

“All right, all right, ” Dean sighed. “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

 

“That damn fool Crowley, ” Bobby huffed. “Keeps calling every day changing his damn mind on what  _ color _ she should be. Yesterday was yellow, today's blue. Outta paint the damn thing pink and be done with it.”

 

Dean chuckled softly, knowing damn well Bobby wouldn't dare dream of painting the truck in an unapproved color not wanting to risk being victim to Crowley's anger and possibly lose a well-paying customer.

 

For whatever reason, Crowley seemed most impressed with Dean, having tried unsuccessfully at trying to intimidate Dean whenever a problem arose. Parts not being shipped on time usually had Crowley's ire running at full speed. Dean, however, refused to allow some snarky British guy try screaming at him. The first few times Dean yelled back at Crowley, he swore Bobby was going to pass out, looking at Dean completely slack jawed in utter disbelief. 

 

Instead, Crowley simply chuckled, patted Dean on the shoulder, stated he liked Dean. Bobby relaxed enough to shoot a warning glare at him but Dean had simply shrugged. He didn't like the smarmy Brit then and definitely didn't like him now with his expectations of ‘make her beautiful’. Oh, it wasn't Dean  _ couldn _ 't do the job but more he didn't  _ want _ to. 

 

Simply put, Crowley made his skin crawl. But a paying customer was a paying customer, at least in Bobby's eyes. Dean's discomfort be damned. 

 

“Blue ain't half bad, ” Dean agreed. 

 

“The color ain't the point, Dean. It's his nonstop changes that pisses me off, ” Bobby snarled with frustration.

 

“Then tell him to fuck off, ” Dean suggested.

 

“Oh sure, I'll do just that. In case you forgot, genius, half of our customers are from Crowley's recommendations.”

 

Dean winced inwardly, having forgotten that slight detail. It wasn't Bobby couldn't survive without Crowley's business but if they lost their customers if Crowley left then they both were looking at lean times. Something Dean didn't want Bobby facing. So, creepy, indecisive Crowley it was.

 

“How much longer you thinking? Just so I got something to tell him in case he asks.”

 

“Hell if I know, Bobby, ” Dean sighed, looking at the truck and mentally mapping out what still needed to be done. “By the end of next week? I'll be done replacing everything. Gives him time to settle on color while I strip the old one off.”

 

Despite his misgivings about the Brit, Dean had to admit Crowley at least was very understanding about the six months it had taken to get the truck even this much accomplished. Weekly phones inquiring about what been done was all Dean had to deal with. And ten times easier dealing with than fucking Zachariah Adler, the biggest douche nozzle Dean's ever seen. Nothing passed Adler's obsessive inspection of his beloved 2016 BMW 2 series M235i after something had been fixed. Many times Dean witnessed Bobby and Adler’s screaming matches after Adler believed he was paying too much. Bobby always told him he was always welcomed going elsewhere but Adler never took the offer, instead of sticking with Dean. It had been funny the first few times but after three years, Dean had enough.

 

So much had changed over the last three years.  After Benny had returned back to Louisiana, the sense of restlessness had returned with a vengeance. He only had Tim as a friend and had lost interest in dating anyone else. Finally, after a year of trying, he simply gave up and returned to Lawrence. Work had been easy enough to find, thanks to his dad talking to Bobby about hiring him. He stayed with his parents long enough to find somewhere halfway decent that was affordable. Thankfully he had found a place after a couple months. 

 

Despite his misgivings about dating again, he ran into his high school girlfriend, Lisa Braeden, at the grocery store of all places. They had literally bumped into each other in the bakery section. Dean hadn't been too surprised she had gotten married, although the marriage dissolved soon after the birth of her son, Ben, who was now ten years old. She was working at the local gym as a Yoga instructor. Dean had asked her out before he truly thought about it which she happily accepted. That had been six months ago. They were still together and she kept hinting about moving in together. 

 

He really had no reason for avoiding the topic about living together other than he just wasn't sure he wanted to live with someone. It wasn't he didn't believe in cohabitating before marriage, he just enjoyed living alone. That wasn't entirely true. He wasn't yet over Benny and often thought about ending things with Lisa. Plus, the minute he moved back to Lawrence he had hoped he would have ran into Cas who he hadn't stopped thinking about in the last three years since they had talked. 

 

He was an emotional disaster. Half in love with one man who left to care for his ailing mother while harboring feelings for his former best friend, something which had pained him at accepting that realization. But now he was pretending at having his shit together while trying to make his relationship with Lisa work.

 

“You should probably get cleaned up if you're gonna get out here at a decent time, ” Bobby instructed, picking up a cleaner oil rag from the workbench behind him and tossed it at Dean.

 

For a moment Dean was confused. “Where am I going again?”

 

Bobby looked at him strangely. “Your dinner with Lisa's parents, ” he drawled out. “You been yapping about it for three days. Don't tell me you forgot?”

 

Dean waved the question away, rolling his eyes. “I didn't  _ forget _ . I just… forgot for a moment, is all, ” he tried explaining.

 

“Uh-huh, ” Bobby scoffed skeptically. “Just don't let  _ her _ know you forgot.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Be a good boyfriend. I got it, ” Dean frowned. 

 

“You don't sound like you're looking forward to it, ” Bobby observed.

 

Dean looked back to the truck as a way of avoiding Bobby's gaze, sure the older man would easily see how true his words were. “I just don't do parents, ” he shook his head with a shrug.

 

“That goes with the territory of dating, boy. You date, you done with the parents. Can't imagine she was overly thrilled meeting your lughead of a dad.”

 

Dean looked at him suspiciously. For as long as Dean remembered, Bobby seemed to be carrying some sort of grudge against John, not as if either men explained  _ why _ but an underlying anger was always present whenever Bobby talked about or heard John's name.

 

“You ever gonna tell me what's the deal with you two?” Dean asked, already knowing the answer, wiping his hands on the rag.

 

“No, ” Bobby answered firmly, turning back towards the house. “Now get your ass outta my garage and go make your girlfriend happy.”

 

Dean frowned at Bobby's retreating back, huffing softly as he tossed the rag back on the workbench. “You… go make your girlfriend happy, ” he retorted, despite being alone in the garage. 

 

By the time Dean got cleaned up and changed, he barely made it on time to meet Lisa and her parents in front of the restaurant, apologizing with an excuse about work. He didn't need looking at Lisa to feel her skepticism. Now wasn't the place for yet another argument. Clearing his throat, he tried guiding Lisa towards the entrance door with his hand on the small of her back but she simply stepped out of the way. So it was going to be  _ that _ kind of night.

 

Once they were escorted towards their table, Dean glanced longingly at the bar as they walked past. Goddamn, he would have willingly gave his left nut just for one beer. But Lisa's dad, Bill, was a hardass when it came to drinking any alcohol outside of the occasional glass of wine in celebration. Just as he was about to look away from the bar, he stopped walking, his gaze instantly locked onto a table on the other side of the restaurant. There was nothing extreme about two guys simply having dinner together, outside the one whose back was towards Dean. Faceless guy had a mop of dark hair he swore no one but Cas had. But it couldn't be. Cas was in California probably cursing the day Dean Winchester was ever born. No way was Cas sitting in a restaurant in the middle of Lawrence, Kansas. Hearing Lisa practically hissing his name snapped Dean back, looking at her apologetic as he continued walking towards their table.

 

“Most strange.”

 

Cas looked up from his menu to see what his boyfriend, Zeke, was commenting about.

“What's strange?”

 

“There was a man staring at us as if he were completely shocked we’re here. Is homosexuality still such a big deal here?”

 

Cas turned in his chair slightly, glancing over his shoulder for the mystery man in question. “No one is there, ” Cas turned back to face Zeke.

 

“No, he seemed to be with a pretty woman and followed her in that direction, ” Zeke said, waving his fingers slightly indicating which direction the man left in.

 

“To answer your question, this is still Kansas. Small towns are slow at broadening their narrow minds, ” Cas informed Zeke, returning his attention to his menu.

 

“I don't believe that's entirely true, ” Zeke argued lightly.

 

“I grew up here, remember? ” Cas pointed out. “But if it weren't for Dean, no doubt I would have had a harder time once I came out.”

 

“You haven't mentioned visiting him while we're here. Have you looked him up?”

 

Cas’ heart dropped. They were only visiting for a week but purposely tried avoiding mentioning Dean too much for that exact reason; too many questions about why he wasn't reaching out to Dean. Their last conversation wasn't something he was proud about, wishing he had an opportunity to apologize for his words. But what could he truly expect after he told Dean he ruined his life? It was his own fault Dean walked out of his life. Cas didn't blame him when he told Dean to leave him alone. The minute the words had been uttered he regretted them and was too much of a chicken shit to try calling him and apologizing. Three years had done nothing to stop missing Dean.

 

He barely paid attention as Lisa talked to her parents, pretending to be engrossed in the menu in front of him. Lisa had already informed him he was not ordering any cheeseburgers. Sometimes he really hated when she got into those moods around her parents. The moment he got home from work, she practically pushed him into the shower. Unfortunately, some grease still remained in the grooves of his hands from calluses after working with his hands all those years. This was why he hated dealing with parents. He doubted his mom would have noticed anyone's hands he would have brought home. Years of a mechanic's wife had her turning blind eyes to certain things.

 

“So, Dean, ” Lisa's dad started. “Are you still working in that same junkyard as last time?”

 

Dean glanced at Lisa, expecting to see her giving him a warning look. Instead, she simply looked at him as if waiting for his answer. “Yes sir, ” he answered. “But it's not a junkyard, more of a salvage yard actually. But we're a fully equipped garage and restoration.” It sounded more like him touting the company line Bobby practically had him memorize but wasn't any less true.

 

“He's really good at his job, Dad, ” Lisa informed her father.

 

“Have you given any more thought to my offer?” 

 

Dean was half tempted telling Bill just what he could do with his offer. “I doubt working for your company would be something that I would like. I'm happy with what I'm doing and I'm good at it. Now I thank you for the confidence in me but I'm gonna have to turn it down.”

 

The man obviously wasn't used to being told no very often not bothering to hide his annoyance. “I'm offering you a chance to better yourself, young man. Are you even thinking about my daughter in your dismissal of my offer?”

 

Dean glanced at Lisa again before answering. “Meaning what?” Dean challenged.

 

“Meaning being a simple mechanic isn't something she could be proud of, ” the man explained.

 

“Daddy, please, ” Lisa pleaded softly. “Dean works really hard. I'm proud of how hard he works.”

 

“I'm just thinking of your future, honey. I don't want you struggling unnecessarily. If your young man here won't consider my offer--.

 

“I'm not listening to this, ” Dean interrupted, standing up. “Are you staying, Leese?” He asked, looking down to her.

 

“Uh…, ” she stalled, looking between her father and Dean.

 

“Whatever, ” he huffed, walking away, paying little attention to the other patrons as he walked out. This was the  _ last _ time he was 

spending time with that arrogant asshole.

 

“That's him, ” Zeke whispered, watching the man stalking towards the entrance door.

 

Cas looked up from his meal just as the door closed behind the man. “There's who?” He asked around a mouthful of Alfredo.

 

“The man who stared at us when we first sat down, ” Zeke explained. 

 

“I have no reason to see a bigoted man, honey, ” Cas told him. “He has a problem with us… that's his problem.”

 

Zeke smiled. “Outstanding come back, ” he teased.

 

“Shut up, ” Cas chuckled, continuing to eat. 

 

He glanced over his shoulder towards the door, slightly curious about the man, whoever he was, wondering if they were the reason the man stormed out. Cas didn't believe they were doing anything to cause such a strong reaction but maybe he was wrong. 

 

“You're frowning, ” Zeke commented softly.

 

“Do you think we were the cause of that man leaving?” Casa asked, concerned.

 

“I doubt that. He didn't look our way as he left, ” Zeke reassured him.

 

Cas nodded. Thankfully, the rest of the night was pleasant. By the time they left the restaurant, the faceless man had been forgotten. 

 

The air was a bit cooler with the setting sun as he paced anxiously in small circles next to Baby in the parking lot, gravel crunching under his footsteps. Rubbing his bare arms in the chill, he grabbed his jacket from the backseat, slipping it on. He wasn't sure how long he had been waiting but was fuming by the time he forced himself to smile politely as a third couple passed him on their way to the restaurant. Was she fucking serious right now? Where the hell was she when she should have left with him? Where was her sense of loyalty? Obviously not with  _ him _ but with  _ Daddy _ . 

 

“Fuck this, ” he muttered, finally getting into the Impala and drove off without a clear destination in mind. He just needed to distance himself before he did something stupid. Namely going back inside the restaurant and confronting that pompous asshole. That wouldn't be good for anyone.

 

He felt too keyed up to return home, deciding he would simply drive until he ran out of gas or lost some of his anger, whichever came first. He hadn't realized how far he drove until he saw roadside signs for Oskaloosa, a town of just over eleven hundred people and was about half an hour out Lawrence. 

 

It had been a few years, but Dean remembered his grandfather, Samuel, bringing him and Sam to a lake somewhere around the area when they were growing up. Those were the times Dean cherished the most, spending time with his grandparents. Samuel always taught both young Winchester boys basic survival skills he had learned in the military, believing it had been important to learn. Seeing directional signs mentioning Perry Lake, he continued driving. Some minutes later, he recognized the metal guardrail along the edges of the dirt road surrounding the lake. Pulling off to the side, he parked Baby safely on the grassy shoulder. For a moment he didn't move, looking out the passenger window to the darkness where he knew the lake was in the distance.

 

Sighing, he got out of the car, thankful for the jacket when a breeze washed over him. Walking towards the front of the Impala, he leaned back against the hood, shoving his hands inside the jacket pockets. His anger slowly faded as he sat quietly, just listening to the absolute nothing surrounding him. He couldn't remember the last time he just sat without doing anything.

 

The silence was broken by his phone going off. Pulling his phone out of his jacket pocket, he scoffed when he saw the name popping up. 

 

“What?” He answered, irritated once again.

 

“Where are you? I thought you would be waiting for me but the car's gone.”

 

“Wait for you? Why would I wait around for you when you didn't leave with me, Lisa?” He snapped. “And where were  _ you _ ?”

 

“What do you mean?” She asked confused.

 

“I'm talking about you just sitting there as your dad practically insulted me, ” he explained. “Unless you share his thoughts about me being a ‘lowly mechanic’?”

 

“He never used the word ‘lowly’, Dean, ” she defended.

 

He scoffed. “Right. It's all about the right word used, right?”

 

“Where are you? I think we should talk about this. I'm at my parents’ house at the moment. You could come over and just  _ hear _ what Daddy has to say. I'm not saying you have to take his offer but there's no harm in just thinking about it, is there?” She asked sweetly.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You really see me sitting in some damn office doing whatever it is he calls it?” He couldn't believe what she was saying.

 

“Dean-, ” she tried protesting.

 

“No, fuck that. I'm done, ” he cut in before hanging up. 

 

No sooner had he hung up than his phone's ringtone played, not needing to look at it to know it was Lisa. Instead of answering it, he just let it go to voicemail. He wasn't in the mood to listen to whatever she planned on saying, angry she sided with her father once again. Was no one on his side?

 

The rest of their date was pleasant if not just a tad boring for Cas. Once they left the restaurant, they made their way to the cinema to catch some movie Zeke wanted to see. Surprisingly it turned out not to be half bad but Cas still wouldn't have seen it on his own accord, his tastes ran more along the lines of documentaries but couldn't really say definitively what Zeke's tastes were. They had only been officially dating for a couple of months after forming a friendship which easily came from working together for a over a year. Zeke was one of several photographers Cas often collaborated with when writing anything about social events held throughout the city.

 

Their first meeting took place while covering the annual St. Patrick's Day celebrations in the city. Out of curiosity, Cas tried his first green beer, finding out he still didn't care for the taste. Zeke had found his facial expressions after each sip comical. But by the end of the night, both had gotten thoroughly drunk, falling into bed together. But in his defense, it hadn't really taken too many beers to accomplish that feat. He must not have embarrassed himself too much because the next time they saw each other a couple of days later, Zeke asked him out. Cas barely remembered he agreed until Zeke told him he was looking forward to it.

 

And now they were visiting Cas’ parents for the week. Despite trying to convince him Lawrence wasn't different from any other small town, Zeke refused to accept Cas’ excuses why visiting wouldn't have been a good idea. There would have been no way he could have told Zeke the truth about why he was so against visiting.

 

And that truth was Dean Winchester.

 

It still pained him how things ended with Dean but never seemed brave enough to try reaching out to him. That had been one person Cas never believed would have left him. Of course, he had practically kicked Dean out of his life, hadn't he? Told him in no certain terms to leave him alone. Well, Dean was just doing as Cas wanted and left him alone for the past three years. He had no one else to blame but himself.

 

Congratulations, assbutt, you are officially alone. How proud you must feel. 

 

Thankfully the cover of the darkness in the theater hid the tears Cas refused to let fall, discreetly wiping them away with his finger. If asked, he’d simply claim his eyes were tired. But Zeke was too enthralled in the movie to notice. 

 

He hadn't realized he fell asleep until he was being gently nudged awake. Opening his eyes, he squinted in the sudden brightness of the lights, seeing the crowd shuffling towards the exit.

 

“I could ask how you liked the movie but I already have my answer, ” Zeke teased, gently stroking Cas’ thigh.

 

“I never realized I was tired, ” Cas tried apologizing, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Cas, ” Zeke chuckled lightly. “I'm not mad. I know you only suggested this movie because I wanted to see it. I would do the same if I had to see a movie if I wasn't interested in. I just appreciate you making the effort.”

 

He leaned in closer towards Cas, kissing him softly. It was just an innocent kiss but one which still earned them a clearly disapproving clearing of the throat from someone in the passing crowd. Cas pulled away, wiping his bottom lip with the pad of his thumb, bowing his head to hide his embarrassment while Zeke glared at the crowd in silent challenge for further objections. 

 

Cas intentionally waited until the majority of the crowd left the theater, hoping they wouldn't encounter any problems once they were outside. He nearly jumped when Zeke took his hand as they exited the cinema, heading towards the parking lot. It took all his resolve not to start running for the car, relaxing somewhat once they got inside. 

 

“How about we stop by the coffee shop?” Zeke suggested.

 

“It’s kind of late for coffee, isn't it?” Casa asked, glancing at his watch.

 

“We're on vacation, Castiel. Let's live a little.”

 

Cas smiled, shaking his head. “All right Coffee it is. But I don't want to hear you bitching when you can't sleep tonight, ” Cas teased, reaching over his shoulder for the seatbelt.

  
  


Driving back into town, he still didn't feel much like going home, deciding to stop for a piece of pie and maybe one cup of coffee. Any more than that, he'll be a jittery mess at work in the morning.

 

The coffee shop wasn't too crowded as he sat at the counter. The waitress behind the counter simply nodded at him as he sat down. He had started coming to the coffeeshop enough he didn't even need to actually order anymore, taking the time to getting to know the waitresses’ names as well as some of their families’ names. Just about to take a sip of his coffee, Dean hadn't realized he gasped out loud, eyes glued to the couple just entering the shop. 

 

Cas.

  
  


The coffee shop had been a new addition since his last visit home two years earlier. From the amount of cars in parking lot, it appeared to be favorably received. He was thankful Zeke hadn't wanted to go to Lady Bluebird instead, too many memories of Dean were still attached to the diner. If he were honest, even the word ‘diner’ was enough to conjure memories of Dean. 

 

He hadn't really explained about Dean to Zeke, having already lost one relationship due to his continuing feelings for his former best friend. He definitely didn't want a second failed relationship under his belt for the same exact reason. Although he wasn't sure if he even still  _ had _ feelings for Dean. Three years of no contact seemed the perfect cure for those feelings. 

 

The question about whether he had feelings for Dean were instantly answered the minute he followed Zeke inside the coffee shop. Sitting at the counter, looking absolutely stunned, was the man himself.

“Dean, ” Cas whispered.

It was promising to be yet another nice Spring day in late April, though forecasters kept claiming for the last week rain was coming. Dean leaned back slightly, pushing on his lower back in hopes it cracked, looking up at the sky, deciding if rain was looming in the distance. He shot the heavily rusted 1951 Ford 1 truck another glare, hating the vehicle more by the minute. 

 

Since moving back to Lawrence almost two years ago, he had been working at Bobby's Auto Salvage and Restoration. Most days were spent walking a customer through the yard picking through the endless amounts of scrapped cars in search of still working replacement car parts. But for the last week, Bobby had him working on the aging truck which belonged to Fergus Crowley, a classic vehicle enthusiast. Crowley had been a loyal customer for all his restoration needs, only now Dean was enlisted to bringing back the truck to its former glory. 

 

Heavy footsteps announced Bobby's presence. Dean glanced at him over his shoulder, noting Bobby carrying two bottles of beer in his hand. He quickly wiped his hands on the oil rag.

 

“How's it coming?” Bobby asked, handing him a bottle of beer.

 

Dean smiled slightly in appreciation, taking the bottle, twisting the cap and took a healthy drink. “Slow, ” he answered, shrugging. “You sure you wanna put in the time to fix her up? It ain't gonna be cheap or fast.”

 

“That's what I hired you for, idjit, ” Bobby snarked. “Crowley's a damn good paying customer. He wants her fixed up, so we're fixing her up.”

 

“All right, all right, ” Dean sighed. “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”

 

“That damn fool Crowley, ” Bobby huffed. “Keeps calling every day changing his damn mind on what  _ color _ she should be. Yesterday was yellow, today's blue. Outta paint the damn thing pink and be done with it.”

 

Dean chuckled softly, knowing damn well Bobby wouldn't dare dream of painting the truck in an unapproved color not wanting to risk being victim to Crowley's anger and possibly lose a well-paying customer.

 

For whatever reason, Crowley seemed most impressed with Dean, having tried unsuccessfully at trying to intimidate Dean whenever a problem arose. Parts not being shipped on time usually had Crowley's ire running at full speed. Dean, however, refused to allow some snarky British guy try screaming at him. The first few times Dean yelled back at Crowley, he swore Bobby was going to pass out, looking at Dean completely slack jawed in utter disbelief. 

 

Instead, Crowley simply chuckled, patted Dean on the shoulder, stated he liked Dean. Bobby relaxed enough to shoot a warning glare at him but Dean had simply shrugged. He didn't like the smarmy Brit then and definitely didn't like him now with his expectations of ‘make her beautiful’. Oh, it wasn't Dean  _ couldn _ 't do the job but more he didn't  _ want _ to. 

 

Simply put, Crowley made his skin crawl. But a paying customer was a paying customer, at least in Bobby's eyes. Dean's discomfort be damned. 

 

“Blue ain't half bad, ” Dean agreed. 

 

“The color ain't the point, Dean. It's his nonstop changes that pisses me off, ” Bobby snarled with frustration.

 

“Then tell him to fuck off, ” Dean suggested.

 

“Oh sure, I'll do just that. In case you forgot, genius, half of our customers are from Crowley's recommendations.”

 

Dean winced inwardly, having forgotten that slight detail. It wasn't Bobby couldn't survive without Crowley's business but if they lost their customers if Crowley left then they both were looking at lean times. Something Dean didn't want Bobby facing. So, creepy, indecisive Crowley it was.

 

“How much longer you thinking? Just so I got something to tell him in case he asks.”

 

“Hell if I know, Bobby, ” Dean sighed, looking at the truck and mentally mapping out what still needed to be done. “By the end of next week? I'll be done replacing everything. Gives him time to settle on color while I strip the old one off.”

 

Despite his misgivings about the Brit, Dean had to admit Crowley at least was very understanding about the six months it had taken to get the truck even this much accomplished. Weekly phones inquiring about what been done was all Dean had to deal with. And ten times easier dealing with than fucking Zachariah Adler, the biggest douche nozzle Dean's ever seen. Nothing passed Adler's obsessive inspection of his beloved 2016 BMW 2 series M235i after something had been fixed. Many times Dean witnessed Bobby and Adler’s screaming matches after Adler believed he was paying too much. Bobby always told him he was always welcomed going elsewhere but Adler never took the offer, instead of sticking with Dean. It had been funny the first few times but after three years, Dean had enough.

 

So much had changed over the last three years.  After Benny had returned back to Louisiana, the sense of restlessness had returned with a vengeance. He only had Tim as a friend and had lost interest in dating anyone else. Finally, after a year of trying, he simply gave up and returned to Lawrence. Work had been easy enough to find, thanks to his dad talking to Bobby about hiring him. He stayed with his parents long enough to find somewhere halfway decent that was affordable. Thankfully he had found a place after a couple months. 

 

Despite his misgivings about dating again, he ran into his high school girlfriend, Lisa Braeden, at the grocery store of all places. They had literally bumped into each other in the bakery section. Dean hadn't been too surprised she had gotten married, although the marriage dissolved soon after the birth of her son, Ben, who was now ten years old. She was working at the local gym as a Yoga instructor. Dean had asked her out before he truly thought about it which she happily accepted. That had been six months ago. They were still together and she kept hinting about moving in together. 

 

He really had no reason for avoiding the topic about living together other than he just wasn't sure he wanted to live with someone. It wasn't he didn't believe in cohabitating before marriage, he just enjoyed living alone. That wasn't entirely true. He wasn't yet over Benny and often thought about ending things with Lisa. Plus, the minute he moved back to Lawrence he had hoped he would have ran into Cas who he hadn't stopped thinking about in the last three years since they had talked. 

 

He was an emotional disaster. Half in love with one man who left to care for his ailing mother while harboring feelings for his former best friend, something which had pained him at accepting that realization. But now he was pretending at having his shit together while trying to make his relationship with Lisa work.

 

“You should probably get cleaned up if you're gonna get out here at a decent time, ” Bobby instructed, picking up a cleaner oil rag from the workbench behind him and tossed it at Dean.

 

For a moment Dean was confused. “Where am I going again?”

 

Bobby looked at him strangely. “Your dinner with Lisa's parents, ” he drawled out. “You been yapping about it for three days. Don't tell me you forgot?”

 

Dean waved the question away, rolling his eyes. “I didn't  _ forget _ . I just… forgot for a moment, is all, ” he tried explaining.

 

“Uh-huh, ” Bobby scoffed skeptically. “Just don't let  _ her _ know you forgot.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Be a good boyfriend. I got it, ” Dean frowned. 

 

“You don't sound like you're looking forward to it, ” Bobby observed.

 

Dean looked back to the truck as a way of avoiding Bobby's gaze, sure the older man would easily see how true his words were. “I just don't do parents, ” he shook his head with a shrug.

 

“That goes with the territory of dating, boy. You date, you done with the parents. Can't imagine she was overly thrilled meeting your lughead of a dad.”

 

Dean looked at him suspiciously. For as long as Dean remembered, Bobby seemed to be carrying some sort of grudge against John, not as if either men explained  _ why _ but an underlying anger was always present whenever Bobby talked about or heard John's name.

 

“You ever gonna tell me what's the deal with you two?” Dean asked, already knowing the answer, wiping his hands on the rag.

 

“No, ” Bobby answered firmly, turning back towards the house. “Now get your ass outta my garage and go make your girlfriend happy.”

 

Dean frowned at Bobby's retreating back, huffing softly as he tossed the rag back on the workbench. “You… go make your girlfriend happy, ” he retorted, despite being alone in the garage. 

 

By the time Dean got cleaned up and changed, he barely made it on time to meet Lisa and her parents in front of the restaurant, apologizing with an excuse about work. He didn't need looking at Lisa to feel her skepticism. Now wasn't the place for yet another argument. Clearing his throat, he tried guiding Lisa towards the entrance door with his hand on the small of her back but she simply stepped out of the way. So it was going to be  _ that _ kind of night.

 

Once they were escorted towards their table, Dean glanced longingly at the bar as they walked past. Goddamn, he would have willingly gave his left nut just for one beer. But Lisa's dad, Bill, was a hardass when it came to drinking any alcohol outside of the occasional glass of wine in celebration. Just as he was about to look away from the bar, he stopped walking, his gaze instantly locked onto a table on the other side of the restaurant. There was nothing extreme about two guys simply having dinner together, outside the one whose back was towards Dean. Faceless guy had a mop of dark hair he swore no one but Cas had. But it couldn't be. Cas was in California probably cursing the day Dean Winchester was ever born. No way was Cas sitting in a restaurant in the middle of Lawrence, Kansas. Hearing Lisa practically hissing his name snapped Dean back, looking at her apologetic as he continued walking towards their table.

 

“Most strange.”

 

Cas looked up from his menu to see what his boyfriend, Zeke, was commenting about.

“What's strange?”

 

“There was a man staring at us as if he were completely shocked we’re here. Is homosexuality still such a big deal here?”

 

Cas turned in his chair slightly, glancing over his shoulder for the mystery man in question. “No one is there, ” Cas turned back to face Zeke.

 

“No, he seemed to be with a pretty woman and followed her in that direction, ” Zeke said, waving his fingers slightly indicating which direction the man left in.

 

“To answer your question, this is still Kansas. Small towns are slow at broadening their narrow minds, ” Cas informed Zeke, returning his attention to his menu.

 

“I don't believe that's entirely true, ” Zeke argued lightly.

 

“I grew up here, remember? ” Cas pointed out. “But if it weren't for Dean, no doubt I would have had a harder time once I came out.”

 

“You haven't mentioned visiting him while we're here. Have you looked him up?”

 

Cas’ heart dropped. They were only visiting for a week but purposely tried avoiding mentioning Dean too much for that exact reason; too many questions about why he wasn't reaching out to Dean. Their last conversation wasn't something he was proud about, wishing he had an opportunity to apologize for his words. But what could he truly expect after he told Dean he ruined his life? It was his own fault Dean walked out of his life. Cas didn't blame him when he told Dean to leave him alone. The minute the words had been uttered he regretted them and was too much of a chicken shit to try calling him and apologizing. Three years had done nothing to stop missing Dean.

 

He barely paid attention as Lisa talked to her parents, pretending to be engrossed in the menu in front of him. Lisa had already informed him he was not ordering any cheeseburgers. Sometimes he really hated when she got into those moods around her parents. The moment he got home from work, she practically pushed him into the shower. Unfortunately, some grease still remained in the grooves of his hands from calluses after working with his hands all those years. This was why he hated dealing with parents. He doubted his mom would have noticed anyone's hands he would have brought home. Years of a mechanic's wife had her turning blind eyes to certain things.

 

“So, Dean, ” Lisa's dad started. “Are you still working in that same junkyard as last time?”

 

Dean glanced at Lisa, expecting to see her giving him a warning look. Instead, she simply looked at him as if waiting for his answer. “Yes sir, ” he answered. “But it's not a junkyard, more of a salvage yard actually. But we're a fully equipped garage and restoration.” It sounded more like him touting the company line Bobby practically had him memorize but wasn't any less true.

 

“He's really good at his job, Dad, ” Lisa informed her father.

 

“Have you given any more thought to my offer?” 

 

Dean was half tempted telling Bill just what he could do with his offer. “I doubt working for your company would be something that I would like. I'm happy with what I'm doing and I'm good at it. Now I thank you for the confidence in me but I'm gonna have to turn it down.”

 

The man obviously wasn't used to being told no very often not bothering to hide his annoyance. “I'm offering you a chance to better yourself, young man. Are you even thinking about my daughter in your dismissal of my offer?”

 

Dean glanced at Lisa again before answering. “Meaning what?” Dean challenged.

 

“Meaning being a simple mechanic isn't something she could be proud of, ” the man explained.

 

“Daddy, please, ” Lisa pleaded softly. “Dean works really hard. I'm proud of how hard he works.”

 

“I'm just thinking of your future, honey. I don't want you struggling unnecessarily. If your young man here won't consider my offer--.

 

“I'm not listening to this, ” Dean interrupted, standing up. “Are you staying, Leese?” He asked, looking down to her.

 

“Uh…, ” she stalled, looking between her father and Dean.

 

“Whatever, ” he huffed, walking away, paying little attention to the other patrons as he walked out. This was the  _ last _ time he was 

spending time with that arrogant asshole.

 

“That's him, ” Zeke whispered, watching the man stalking towards the entrance door.

 

Cas looked up from his meal just as the door closed behind the man. “There's who?” He asked around a mouthful of Alfredo.

 

“The man who stared at us when we first sat down, ” Zeke explained. 

 

“I have no reason to see a bigoted man, honey, ” Cas told him. “He has a problem with us… that's his problem.”

 

Zeke smiled. “Outstanding come back, ” he teased.

 

“Shut up, ” Cas chuckled, continuing to eat. 

 

He glanced over his shoulder towards the door, slightly curious about the man, whoever he was, wondering if they were the reason the man stormed out. Cas didn't believe they were doing anything to cause such a strong reaction but maybe he was wrong. 

 

“You're frowning, ” Zeke commented softly.

 

“Do you think we were the cause of that man leaving?” Casa asked, concerned.

 

“I doubt that. He didn't look our way as he left, ” Zeke reassured him.

 

Cas nodded. Thankfully, the rest of the night was pleasant. By the time they left the restaurant, the faceless man had been forgotten. 

 

The air was a bit cooler with the setting sun as he paced anxiously in small circles next to Baby in the parking lot, gravel crunching under his footsteps. Rubbing his bare arms in the chill, he grabbed his jacket from the backseat, slipping it on. He wasn't sure how long he had been waiting but was fuming by the time he forced himself to smile politely as a third couple passed him on their way to the restaurant. Was she fucking serious right now? Where the hell was she when she should have left with him? Where was her sense of loyalty? Obviously not with  _ him _ but with  _ Daddy _ . 

 

“Fuck this, ” he muttered, finally getting into the Impala and drove off without a clear destination in mind. He just needed to distance himself before he did something stupid. Namely going back inside the restaurant and confronting that pompous asshole. That wouldn't be good for anyone.

 

He felt too keyed up to return home, deciding he would simply drive until he ran out of gas or lost some of his anger, whichever came first. He hadn't realized how far he drove until he saw roadside signs for Oskaloosa, a town of just over eleven hundred people and was about half an hour out Lawrence. 

 

It had been a few years, but Dean remembered his grandfather, Samuel, bringing him and Sam to a lake somewhere around the area when they were growing up. Those were the times Dean cherished the most, spending time with his grandparents. Samuel always taught both young Winchester boys basic survival skills he had learned in the military, believing it had been important to learn. Seeing directional signs mentioning Perry Lake, he continued driving. Some minutes later, he recognized the metal guardrail along the edges of the dirt road surrounding the lake. Pulling off to the side, he parked Baby safely on the grassy shoulder. For a moment he didn't move, looking out the passenger window to the darkness where he knew the lake was in the distance.

 

Sighing, he got out of the car, thankful for the jacket when a breeze washed over him. Walking towards the front of the Impala, he leaned back against the hood, shoving his hands inside the jacket pockets. His anger slowly faded as he sat quietly, just listening to the absolute nothing surrounding him. He couldn't remember the last time he just sat without doing anything.

 

The silence was broken by his phone going off. Pulling his phone out of his jacket pocket, he scoffed when he saw the name popping up. 

 

“What?” He answered, irritated once again.

 

“Where are you? I thought you would be waiting for me but the car's gone.”

 

“Wait for you? Why would I wait around for you when you didn't leave with me, Lisa?” He snapped. “And where were  _ you _ ?”

 

“What do you mean?” She asked confused.

 

“I'm talking about you just sitting there as your dad practically insulted me, ” he explained. “Unless you share his thoughts about me being a ‘lowly mechanic’?”

 

“He never used the word ‘lowly’, Dean, ” she defended.

 

He scoffed. “Right. It's all about the right word used, right?”

 

“Where are you? I think we should talk about this. I'm at my parents’ house at the moment. You could come over and just  _ hear _ what Daddy has to say. I'm not saying you have to take his offer but there's no harm in just thinking about it, is there?” She asked sweetly.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You really see me sitting in some damn office doing whatever it is he calls it?” He couldn't believe what she was saying.

 

“Dean-, ” she tried protesting.

 

“No, fuck that. I'm done, ” he cut in before hanging up. 

 

No sooner had he hung up than his phone's ringtone played, not needing to look at it to know it was Lisa. Instead of answering it, he just let it go to voicemail. He wasn't in the mood to listen to whatever she planned on saying, angry she sided with her father once again. Was no one on his side?

 

The rest of their date was pleasant if not just a tad boring for Cas. Once they left the restaurant, they made their way to the cinema to catch some movie Zeke wanted to see. Surprisingly it turned out not to be half bad but Cas still wouldn't have seen it on his own accord, his tastes ran more along the lines of documentaries but couldn't really say definitively what Zeke's tastes were. They had only been officially dating for a couple of months after forming a friendship which easily came from working together for a over a year. Zeke was one of several photographers Cas often collaborated with when writing anything about social events held throughout the city.

 

Their first meeting took place while covering the annual St. Patrick's Day celebrations in the city. Out of curiosity, Cas tried his first green beer, finding out he still didn't care for the taste. Zeke had found his facial expressions after each sip comical. But by the end of the night, both had gotten thoroughly drunk, falling into bed together. But in his defense, it hadn't really taken too many beers to accomplish that feat. He must not have embarrassed himself too much because the next time they saw each other a couple of days later, Zeke asked him out. Cas barely remembered he agreed until Zeke told him he was looking forward to it.

 

And now they were visiting Cas’ parents for the week. Despite trying to convince him Lawrence wasn't different from any other small town, Zeke refused to accept Cas’ excuses why visiting wouldn't have been a good idea. There would have been no way he could have told Zeke the truth about why he was so against visiting.

 

And that truth was Dean Winchester.

 

It still pained him how things ended with Dean but never seemed brave enough to try reaching out to him. That had been one person Cas never believed would have left him. Of course, he had practically kicked Dean out of his life, hadn't he? Told him in no certain terms to leave him alone. Well, Dean was just doing as Cas wanted and left him alone for the past three years. He had no one else to blame but himself.

 

Congratulations, assbutt, you are officially alone. How proud you must feel. 

 

Thankfully the cover of the darkness in the theater hid the tears Cas refused to let fall, discreetly wiping them away with his finger. If asked, he’d simply claim his eyes were tired. But Zeke was too enthralled in the movie to notice. 

 

He hadn't realized he fell asleep until he was being gently nudged awake. Opening his eyes, he squinted in the sudden brightness of the lights, seeing the crowd shuffling towards the exit.

 

“I could ask how you liked the movie but I already have my answer, ” Zeke teased, gently stroking Cas’ thigh.

 

“I never realized I was tired, ” Cas tried apologizing, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Cas, ” Zeke chuckled lightly. “I'm not mad. I know you only suggested this movie because I wanted to see it. I would do the same if I had to see a movie if I wasn't interested in. I just appreciate you making the effort.”

 

He leaned in closer towards Cas, kissing him softly. It was just an innocent kiss but one which still earned them a clearly disapproving clearing of the throat from someone in the passing crowd. Cas pulled away, wiping his bottom lip with the pad of his thumb, bowing his head to hide his embarrassment while Zeke glared at the crowd in silent challenge for further objections. 

 

Cas intentionally waited until the majority of the crowd left the theater, hoping they wouldn't encounter any problems once they were outside. He nearly jumped when Zeke took his hand as they exited the cinema, heading towards the parking lot. It took all his resolve not to start running for the car, relaxing somewhat once they got inside. 

 

“How about we stop by the coffee shop?” Zeke suggested.

 

“It’s kind of late for coffee, isn't it?” Casa asked, glancing at his watch.

 

“We're on vacation, Castiel. Let's live a little.”

 

Cas smiled, shaking his head. “All right Coffee it is. But I don't want to hear you bitching when you can't sleep tonight, ” Cas teased, reaching over his shoulder for the seatbelt.

  
  


Driving back into town, he still didn't feel much like going home, deciding to stop for a piece of pie and maybe one cup of coffee. Any more than that, he'll be a jittery mess at work in the morning.

 

The coffee shop wasn't too crowded as he sat at the counter. The waitress behind the counter simply nodded at him as he sat down. He had started coming to the coffeeshop enough he didn't even need to actually order anymore, taking the time to getting to know the waitresses’ names as well as some of their families’ names. Just about to take a sip of his coffee, Dean hadn't realized he gasped out loud, eyes glued to the couple just entering the shop. 

 

Cas.

  
  


The coffee shop had been a new addition since his last visit home two years earlier. From the amount of cars in parking lot, it appeared to be favorably received. He was thankful Zeke hadn't wanted to go to Lady Bluebird instead, too many memories of Dean were still attached to the diner. If he were honest, even the word ‘diner’ was enough to conjure memories of Dean. 

 

He hadn't really explained about Dean to Zeke, having already lost one relationship due to his continuing feelings for his former best friend. He definitely didn't want a second failed relationship under his belt for the same exact reason. Although he wasn't sure if he even still  _ had _ feelings for Dean. Three years of no contact seemed the perfect cure for those feelings. 

 

The question about whether he had feelings for Dean were instantly answered the minute he followed Zeke inside the coffee shop. Sitting at the counter, looking absolutely stunned, was the man himself.

“Dean, ” Cas whispered.

  
  



	22. Chapter 22

It was like every chick flick he claimed not liking. And for the life of him, he had no idea what his next move should have been, presumably something other than simply staring at Cas with a slack-jawed expression. But here he was with that exact expression, feeling as if he had been sucker punched. What the hell was Cas doing in Lawrence?  _ Was _ Cas really there or just a hallucination? And who the fuck was the guy with Cas, now looking at him in confusion?

 

He hadn't actually heard Cas saying his name but there had been no missing Cas had said it, having watched Cas’ mouth enough over the years to recognize how Cas’ lips formed when saying his name. And hadn't  _ that _ sent a shiver down Dean's spine? Dean licked his lips nervously, still unsure what to do. Greet him like an old friend, or simply turn away? He didn't get a chance to really decide when Cas slowly walked towards him nervously. Was Cas nervous?

 

“Hello, Dean, ” Cas greeted softly.

 

“Hey, Cas. You… uh… whatchya doing here?” Dean asked simply.

 

“We're here visiting my parents, ” Cas answered, glancing at Zeke. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Oh, I, uh, moved back a couple years ago.” He could have simply given the same reasoning but wasn't sure why he hadn't. “Who-Who’s your friend?” He wasn't really interested in who the ‘friend’ was but asked to be polite.

 

Cas looked to Zeke again as if remembering he was still next to him. “I'd like to introduce you Zeke, my boyfriend. This is Dean, my--, ” he left hanging, frowning.

 

“I'm Cas’  childhood friend, ” Dean filled in, smiling politely at Zeke.

 

Zeke held out his hand to Dean. “Nice to meet you. I hoped we would see one of his friends while we were here.”

 

Dean shook his hand, glancing at Cas briefly. “Yeah? Well, you met one. My brother also was a friend but he moved to California. So, you know?” He shrugged, having no clue what he meant to say.

 

“Sam?” Zeke asked, looking between both men. 

 

“You know my brother?” Dean asked, surprised.

 

“Only by name,” Zeke answered. “Cas talks to him frequently on the phone.”

 

Cas closed his eyes, wishing Zeke hadn't added that part. He knew Sam hadn't told his brother about them maintaining contact after… well, after.

 

“Oh, really?” Dean asked, not bothering to hide the accusatory tone.

 

“It's not as frequent as he makes it sound, ” Cas tried arguing lightly. “We talk every few weeks.”

 

Dean huffed frustratedly. Cas and Sam had been talking all this time and neither thought to tell  _ him _ ? “Guess Sammy just conveniently forgot to say something.”

 

Cas’ eyes widened slightly, realizing Dean was truly not happy to hear he kept up with Sam. “I asked him not to,” he admitted softly. 

 

“Right, ” Dean scoffed. “Why's that again?” He asked, tilting his head slightly to the side. 

 

“I didn't want him to feel as if he had to choose,” Cas answered honestly. 

 

“Choose?” Dean snapped. “You think Sam would actually  _ choose _ between us?”

 

“Dean, ” Cas sighed.

 

“No, no. I get it, ” he waved his hand dismissively. “I mean, I don’t really get it. But I'm sure you and Sam figured it all out. Being such  _ pals _ and all, right?” 

 

Not waiting for a reply, he got up, brushing past Cas as he walked out. Cas shot Zeke an apologetic look before following Dean. He knew if Dean ever found out he was still in touch with Sam it wouldn't be good. Outside, Dean stalked up the street where Cas saw Baby parked a block away. 

 

“Dean, ” he called out, still following Dean. “Dean, ” he repeated a bit more forceful. Dean stopped walking but didn't turn around. Cas stopped walking a few feet from him. “I didn't do it to hurt you. Nor do I believe Sam would choose anyone over you. I was wrong by not telling you.”

 

Dean finally turned around, hurt clearly written on his face. “Tell me, Cas. Was my brother a way for you to keep tabs on me?”

 

Cas tsked angrily. “I wasn't ‘keeping tabs on you’, “ he explained, using his fingers to indicate air quotes. 

 

“No?” Dean asked, disbelieving.

 

Cas glared at him before answering. “Is that the type of person you see me being, Dean? Maintaining one of the few friendships I have as an adult just to find out what  _ you're _ doing? Do you really see me being so petty and selfish?” He accused.

 

“Sam never said--, ” Dean started saying, sighing.

 

“I asked him not to, ” Cas cut in. “I don't want you being angry with me just because Sam is my friend, too. That didn't stop simply because we're not friends anymore, Dean.”

 

Dean's jaw muscles tightened. “Right, ” he scoffed again, shaking his head. “I forgot.”

 

Cas deflated slightly. “Dean… we didn't part as friends, ” he reminded him. “But don't think for one moment that is something I want. I… miss you, ” he confessed softly. “I miss our friendship.”

 

“Then why?” Dean asked, swallowing the lump growing in his throat. “Why aren't we anymore?” He hadn't meant to ask the question but he couldn't take it back.

 

Cas glanced back to the coffee shop, half expecting Zeke to suddenly appear. Looking back to Dean, he saw expectation in Dean's eyes. “Would you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”

 

“Lunch?” Dean chuckled humorlessly. 

 

“Yes, lunch, ” Cas confirmed. “Please.”

 

“Gimme one good reason, ” Dean challenged.

 

Cas’ mouth opened and closed unable to think of a single reason. “Please?” He pleaded.

 

Dean’s shoulders dragged slightly, hating how easily he crumbled. “Fine, ” he sighed. “Noon at Ladybird.” He glared at Cas one last time before leaving Cas alone on the sidewalk without another word.

 

Cas nodded despite Dean already walking away and couldn't see the nod. Watching Dean for a few more minutes, he suddenly remembered Zeke was waiting for him, guilt washing over him for basically leaving his boyfriend and practically chased after Dean. Three years did nothing to curb his lack of rational thinking when it came to Dean.

 

Walking back to the coffee shop, he tried imaging the reception he was sure to face from Zeke. Cas had always carefully managed to skirt around the topic of Dean, not that it hadn't been hard with lack of communication. But questions would surely arise about his behavior now. Who left their boyfriend while chasing after another man? Apparently,  _ he _ did. Frowning, he re-entered the coffee shop, seeing Zeke now sitting at a small table off to the right side along the wall. Sitting down across from him, Cas looked down to his hands, avoiding Zeke's eyes

 

“What is going on, Castiel? Who was that man?”

 

For a brief second, Cas considered not answering. But that seemed childish the more he thought about it. Just like he knew Zeke deserved to know the truth. When they first started becoming serious, he had managed to skirt around the subject of exes. Dean was an ex but Cas always held onto the hope a reconciliation would happen. God, he missed Dean terribly. “His name is Dean. We are--were-- best friends when we were younger.”

 

“You never mentioned him before, ” Zeke pointed out. 

 

“I never had occasion to,” Cas explained. “We had a falling out a few years ago and never believed I would hear from him, much less see him again.”

 

“That must have been some kind of falling out for him to display such anger simply because you remained in contact with his brother.”

 

“Dean’s always had difficulties controlling his anger,” Cas tried dismissing Dean’s outburst. 

 

“Has he ever hurt you?” Zeke asked, concerned.

 

He knew that question was only logical after bringing up Dean’s temper but Cas still hoped he would have been able to avoid the subject. Yes, Dean hurt him but not in the way Zeke meant and Cas didn’t really have any answers which would paint Dean in a good light. “Not in the way you’re thinking. Dean isn’t violent, Zeke. Rather his first reaction to something is anger like you saw. But he’s never hurt me.”

 

“I don’t know if I feel comfortable you meeting him alone, Castiel. Maybe I should go with you?”

 

Cas shook his head. “I’m not scared of him, nor am I in any danger. Don’t let what you saw paint an incorrect picture of him for you. I’ll be fine.”

 

Zeke sighed in defeat, knowing Cas wouldn’t change his mind. “All right. But I want you to call me if there is a problem.”

 

Cas smiled. “My hero,” he teased.

 

“Yes, well, this hero would like a cup of coffee,” Zeke chuckled. 

 

He had gotten to the diner a full ten minutes early, deciding he needed to take the extra time to calm his nerves down. He still wasn't sure why he even agreed to meet Cas in the first place. In the last three years, neither of them had tried reaching out to each other. In fact, Cas’ last words still rang clearly in his mind. Why the hell had he agreed to lunch? 

 

Sitting at a table, Dean debated about going ahead and ordering or if he should wait until Cas arrived. Maybe Cas hadn't meant it as an actual lunch but more like just meeting for a quick cup of coffee just long enough to tell him to fuck off? That didn't make sense. Why would Cas invite him to lunch just to tell him to leave him alone? Wait… did Cas know he moved back and had just pretended not to know? But that didn't sound like Cas.

 

“You're overthinking again, Dean, ” Cas said, sitting down across from him.

 

“What?” Dean blinked at him, surprised by Cas’ sudden presence.

 

“I don't know what you're thinking about but you're overthinking, ” Cas answered.

 

“How can you tell?” Dean asked, not sure he liked being so easily read.

 

“You scowl whenever you overthink, ” Cas smiled slightly.

 

“I do?” Dean asked, scoffed softly, having never realized he did so.

 

“You do,” Cas confirmed with a slight nod. “Did you already order?” He asked as a waitress came over and handed them both menus.

 

Dean waited to answer until they both ordered their drinks and the waitress left. “No, I wasn’t sure if I should.”

 

“Well, I want to thank you for meeting me. I hope I’m not intruding on anything,” Cas asked, looking at his menu.

 

“Nothing that couldn’t be pushed back if I need to,” Dean answered. He actually had the day off but didn’t want to sound as if he was desperate to see him. Even if he was… somewhat.

 

“I can’t believe you moved back here,” Cas shook his head slightly, looking up at Dean. “Would it be rude to ask why you left Lebanon?”

 

Dean smiled, shaking his own head in answer. “I just, uh, just never really felt at home there. Damn town’s so tiny I had to drive an hour just to go to the movies. After Benny left, I just started feeling closed in.”

 

“Benny being… your boyfriend?” Cas asked softly,  remembering Dean mentioned him when they were still somewhat friends.

 

“Yeah, ”  Dean nodded with confirmation. “He had to move back to Louisiana ‘cause of his mom. She ended up passing shortly after he got there.”

 

“You didn't move with him?” Case asked, surprised somewhat.

 

“I had just started at Rufus’ and couldn't leave.”

 

The waitress returned with their drinks and took their orders. Cas smiled as Dean ordered his typical bacon cheeseburger and fries. Seeing Cas smiling, Dean offered a smile of his own. Cas hadn't realized just how much he missed Dean until then.

 

“So what about you?” Dean asked once they were alone, picking up his glass of pop and taking a sip.

 

“What about me?” Casa asked, mirroring Dean's actions.

 

“What've you been up to? Zeke seems like a nice guy.”

 

Cas looked at him for a few seconds, not sure if Dean was being sincere. “Yes, he's a nice guy,” he agreed with a small smile.

 

“Were you guys together last time we talked? What was that guy's name? Mark?... Martin?” Dean scowled slightly in thought.

 

“Matthew, ” Cas corrected.

 

“Right, right, ” Dean nodded. “Matthew.”

 

Cas sighed, deciding against prolonging it any further. “The last time we spoke I said some things I regret, ” he said, lowering his gaze. “I wanted to apologize for them but was fearful you wouldn't have picked up. But I want to tell you now, Dean. I am so very sorry for what I said.”

 

Dean studied him for a few minutes before nodding his head in acceptance. “I never meant to hurt you, Cas. You're my best friend for fuck's sake. If I’d’a known I was causing waves in your relationship I would’ve done something.”

 

Cas looked up at him. “You still think of me as your best friend?” He asked, unable to hide the surprise in his tone.

 

“What, you think one fight ends years of friendship? You've heard me and Sammy fighting. That didn't stop us.”

 

“But you two are brothers, ” Cas pointed out. “I'm just… me.”

 

“You're still family, dude. Family don't end with blood, remember?”

 

Cas smiled brightly, feeling his eyes prickling. “Does that mean you would be willing to resume our friendship?” He hated how desperate he sounded.

 

“If you don't mind being friends with a simple greasy mechanic, ” Dean teased. 

 

Cas chuckled softly. “If you don't mind being friends with a nosey columnist.”

 

“Hey, don't knock it. You wrote some good articles, ” Dean told him.

 

Cas tilted his head to one side. “How do you know that?”

 

“Mom’s been a loyal subscriber since you started. She’d send me your articles,” Dean shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal. 

 

Cas just stared at him, waiting for him to laugh it off as a joke. Instead, Dean looked back at him, smiling politely as he took another sip of his drink. “What? I got something on my face?” Dean asked, wiping both cheeks with his hands.

 

‘You actually read… my articles?” Cas asked, dumbfounded.

 

“Of course I do, ” Dean smiled proudly. “You're my best friend, Cas.”

 

“What was the last one you read?” Case heart raced with happiness at Dean still referring to him as ‘best friend’.

 

“Uh…, ” Dean squinted, trying to think. “Oh. Yeah. You were talking about he Renaissance Fair you went to.”

 

He gasped softly. “That was last week's article.”

 

“And it sounded fun, ” Dean added. “I'd’ve gone for the food, ” he smirked. 

 

“Why haven't you stayed in touch? I'm just as guilty but… why?” He hadn't meant it to sound as accusatory as it came out.

 

“Telling me I ruin your life isn’t exactly something that someone wants to hear, you know?” Dean answered softly. 

 

Cas sighed, closing his eyes briefly in embarrassment. “I never should have said that,” he said, opening his eyes to look pointedly at Dean. “It was untrue and cruel.”

 

“You had your reasons,” Dean shrugged, looking away, refusing to let Cas see just how much the words still affected him. That had been the reason he agreed to meeting today after spending most of the night debating between not meeting up and finally seeing Cas after so long. His curiosity won out in the end which was brought him to the diner. 

 

“I was upset about Matthew ending things that I lashed out angrily at you,” Cas explained, even as Dean still refused to look at him. “But look at me, Dean,” he waited until Dean looked at him. “I never meant them.’ He held Dean’s gaze for a few minutes before Dean nodded.

 

“How the fuck did we get so… twisted?” Dean sighed, shaking his head

 

“It started when you couldn’t get away from me fast enough,” Cas said without thinking. The minute the words were out, his eyes widened in shock. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. 

 

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

 

Cas looked genuinely shocked at his own words, staring wide-eyed at Dean. “Uh…,” he stammered.

 

Dean leaned closer towards the table, his arms crossed in front of him. “Is that what you think? That I was trying to get away from you?” He asked, noting the hurt in his voice.

 

“What was I to think, Dean? You practically disappeared in the middle of the night without so much of a note or even a goodbye. It hurt me that you left, Dean, without even talking to me. I know you regret it, but--,” he said sadly.

 

“Wait,” Dean cut in. “I don’t regret it and I wasn’t running from you, Cas, okay? I wasn’t. I was running from myself,  _ not _ you. Cas, I don’t regret what happened but how I handled it,” he said softly, holding Cas’ gaze. “I wasn’t ready then to admit I’m bisexual. I know you kept trying to tell me but whenever have I listened to advice?” He scoffed at his own comment.

 

“You weren’t ready until you met Benny?” Cas asked, trying to understand.

 

“Benny hated how I acted like he was my ‘dark secret’ as he put it. I think you two would get along. In some ways, he reminded me of you. He’s got that whole laid back personality that you got. And actually, he sorta just stepped back, told me to think about what I wanted. Took me about a week, actually,” he chuckled at the memory. “But I finally ended up missing him. He actually helped me get comfortable with myself. Drove back here one Sunday for the usual family dinner and told the folks about Benny.”

 

“I can’t imagine they had issues with your sexuality since they both accepted me without question,” Cas smiled encouragingly at him.

 

“You’d be half right, actually,” Dean informed him. “Mom had a suspicion from what she said.”

 

“John?” Cas asked, blinking in surprise.

 

“Let’s just say it took him a few days to come around. You know Mom. Once she gets a bee in her bonnet she’s on a mission.”

 

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Cas teased easily.

 

Dean couldn’t stop his smile from forming. “Sammy? He laughed softly.

 

Cas snorted softly before laughing. “Both Winchester boys,” he answered, still smiling. “I miss this.” He hadn’t meant to ruin the mood but his words weren’t any less true.

 

Deans smile faltered slightly. “Yeah, me, too. I hate how things are between us, man. I never would’ve thought we’d be…” He cleared his throat, looking away, not wanting to describe their friendship as ‘fractured’, however the truth.

 

For a few minutes an awkward silence fell between them. Cas looked back to his hands in his lap, his mind racing with a thousand things he wanted to say out loud. How he ever thought he was truly over his feelings for his best friend was laughable at best. 

 

Dean pressed his lips together, tipping his head back in silent prayer for the right words. There was a reason he didn't do feelings and this was it. “Maybe… maybe this is a turning point for us,” he said, looking at Cas again trying to gauge his reaction.

 

Cas quickly looked back at Dean. Was he saying what Cas hoped? “I would like to think so.”

 

Dean nodded, offering a small smile which was quickly returned. “So, we’ll work on our friendship.”

 

“I would love that, Dean,” Cas said quickly, half afraid Dean would change his mind. 

 

“Well, I guess the first order of business would be exchanging phone numbers. I had to get a new number,” Dean grabbed held his hand out for Cas’ phone.

 

“Why?” Cas asked, pulling his phone out of his pocket and putting it in Dean’s hand. 

 

“A crazy customer kept calling me non-stop for months. Unfortunately, we still deal with him but he hasn’t tried finding out my number.”

 

“Where do you work?”

 

“I’m at Bobby’s again,” Dean answered, fiddling with Cas’ phone to add his contact information. “Hey… you still got me on here,” he looked up at Cas curiously.

 

Cas cursed himself for forgetting that fact before handing his phone over so easily. “Oh… uh…,” he stammered, looking away to hide his blush.

 

Dean smiled despite Cas not looking at him. “I still got you on mine, too. It would’ve been too final if I deleted you,” he said just as Cas looked back at him.

 

Cas visibly relaxed. “Exactly. It would have been weird not seeing your name in my Contacts. I’ve always treasured our friendship. I hope we can once again have that.”

 

“We will--are,” Dean told him with a single nod. “Friends sometimes fight, too, Cas. This is just the longest we’ve gone without fixing it. But we’re moving past that, right?”

 

“Absolutely,” Cas answered firmly. 

 

The rest of lunch was spent catching each other up on the last three years. Dean had been sorry hearing Matthew had indeed ended things with Cas but was glad he ended up finding Zeke… even if there had been a momentary flash of jealous swirling in the pit of his stomach. An emotion he wasn’t willing to look further into. He was just thrilled they both were open to the idea of working on their friendship. Dean told Cas about Lisa, purposely leaving out his wavering feelings about that relationship. No doubt it would have only opened the door to answering questions Dean wouldn't know how to answer. How would he have explained about being in a relationship he often questioned if it was what he truly wanted? It wasn't Lisa's fault he felt restless, it really wasn't. Just like it wasn't her fault he was unable to settle down with her. He knew that was what she wanted, already having had talked about it a few times. Each time he had no answer when she asked what he was afraid of. Now he sat across from Cas he knew definitively he was in love… with Cas. 

 

He was in trouble and there was little he could do about it. He was half sure the lunch would consist of Dean telling him their friendship was truly over and how it would be best if they just both moved on. To say he was shocked when Dean suggested working on their friendship was an understatement, quickly agreeing with the idea. He wasn’t sure when he realized he was in trouble but there was definitely no denying it; he was still in love with Dean. Guilt washed over as he realized he hadn't thought about Zeke once. Zeke opted to spending the day with Naomi and whatever fun activity she had in mind. Too often, Cas had found himself his mother's unwilling escort to one shopping excursion or another while growing up, wondering numerous times if she believed the stereotype gay men enjoyed shopping. He didn't necessarily hate shopping, just never saw the purpose behind buying something mindlessly. Did he really need yet another shirt when he already had a closetful? Zeke, on the other hand, understood the thought about having clothes in array of colors, making him the perfect shopping companion for Naomi.

 

He had no idea how long they remained talking, each seemed reluctant at ending it. Dean noticed most of the lunch crowd was now gone and they were part of the stragglers still at the diner. Cas followed his gaze, noting the diner's near emptiness. Looking back at each other, they shared a smile.

 

“Let me, ” Cas told him softly, quickly putting a hand on Dean's arm as he went to pick up the check. “I want to pay for lunch.”

 

“Cas, ” Dean sighed. “I'm pretty sure I can afford lunch.”

 

“It's not about being able to afford it. I was the one who asked you to lunch.” For a moment Cas believed Dean would refuse but he simply nodded, letting Cas pick up the check with a small triumphant smile.

 

“Next time, ” Dean vowed with a wink. 

 

Cas looked at him, blinking with surprise. Next time? Was Dean planning for a ‘next time’? “We'll see, ” he simply teased. “And ‘next time’ might not happen for a while. I'm not sure when I'll visit again, ” he informed Dean.

 

Dean chewed his bottom lip, squinting as he studied Cas. “I could always come visit you, ” he pointed out.

 

Cas’ eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Visit? You would come out to L.A.?”

 

Dean shrugged slightly. “Sure, why not? Friends visit each other, don't they?”

 

“Yes, they do, ” Cas answered, smiling brightly. “You're welcomed to visit me whenever, Dean.”

 

Dean cleared his throat, his own smile falling slightly. “You're, uh, boyfriend wouldn't mind?” He asked cautiously. “I don't wanna cause problems.”

 

Cas looked at him in confusion, head tilted slightly to one side. “Why would it cause problems. You're my friend, Dean. You've  _ always _ been my friend. Like you said, friends sometimes argue.” ‘Friend’ was putting it mildly. Dean definitely meant more to him than simply a  _ friend _ but Cas knew he had to keep his feelings under control and it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. 

 

Dean’s stomach dropped slightly each time Cas said ‘friend’, hoping his face didn't give anything away. The idea of being Cas’ friend again was one of relief but also a sense of sadness lingered not far behind. He didn’t want to be just Cas’ friend. He  _ wanted _ Cas. God how he wanted him. Instead, he forced a smile, nodding at Cas. “You’re my friend, too.” 

 

“That means a lot,” Cas told him, thrilled Dean wanted back in his life. For the last three years, he grew closer to both Charlie and Abbie, even thought of them as his best friends. But growing up together in Kansas just led to a more profound bond with Dean he knew he just couldn’t replicate so easily with anyone else. 

 

“We should probably get out of here,” Dean said, his smile still in place. “Don’t want anyone thinking I kidnapped you.”

 

Disappointment washed over him as he nodded in agreement. Glancing at his watch as they got up, he was surprised to find two hours had gone by, wishing he had more time with Dean. “Dean?” He said softly. “I’m really glad we had a chance to talk.”   
  
Dean glanced at him, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket, pulling out a few dollars to leave for a tip. “I am, too, ” he nodded once as he put his wallet back in his pocket. 

 

Once they paid, they made their way out. Standing in front of the diner, Dean felt his heart racing. This was it. They would part ways only to once again not seeing each other for years. Or maybe not ever again. He couldn't do it. He didn't want to lose Cas again. Cas squinted in the bright sunlight looking around as if trying to decide what to say. “Where.. Where are you parked?” He asked weakly.

 

Cas looked at Dean, eyes narrowed. Something was going on with him. Was he now regretting exchanging numbers? Or maybe Dean decided against being friends again. “I'm parked there, ” he tipped his head in the direction of his car a block away.

 

Cas took a few steps before being tugged back. Turning to look over his shoulder, he didn't have time to react before Dean pulled him in for a kiss. Dean was  _ kissing _ him and God help him he was kissing him back. 

 

He hadn't planned on kissing Cas, much less right out in front of the diner. He just wanted to stop Cas from leaving. But Cas wasn't fighting or pushing him away as they kissed. And damn if Cas wasn't kissing with all his worth before they finally broke away. 

“Don't leave me, ” he said pleaded softly. “Please, Cas.” He hated how pathetic he sounded but this was his last chance.

 

Cas’ heart was in his throat listening to Dean's words, unsure if he was saying what Cas had wanted to hear. “Dean…, ” he whispered.


	23. Chapter 23

**Epilogue**

 

“Are you sure about this?” Sam asked for the millionth time in a week, his question nearly drowned out by the obnoxious sound of packing tape as he taped shut another moving box.

 

Dean sighed, barely refraining from rolling his eyes he filled his duffle bag. “Aren't you tired of asking that question?”

 

“I'm just making sure you know what you're doing, ” Sam reassured him. 

 

“My eyes are wide open, Sammy. I just need--, ” he started explaining not for the first time.

 

“A fresh start, ” Sam finished for him. “Yeah, you've said.”

 

That had been one way of putting it. The last few months had been an emotional rollercoaster starting nearly a month after lunch with Cas. They had kept their word of staying in touch with each other, despite not talking initially about the kiss. It actually had been Cas who brought it up during a phone call a month later. His relationship understandably with Zeke began crumbling once Cas admitted he was in love with Dean. Another relationship fell apart because of Cas’ feelings for Dean.

 

It had taken another month before Cas told Dean about Zeke leaving. While he had been sorry to hear about the breakup, Dean had also been elated. He had surprised Cas by showing up one weekend on his doorstep. Bobby had grown tired of Dean moping around the shop about missing Cas as well as hearing about the growing feelings for Cas. After three days, Bobby had all but kicked Dean out of the shop, telling Dean he was a forced vacation to give him time to get his ‘head out of his ass’ as he put it. So without telling Cas, Dean made the drive to Los Angeles, his emotions at war with each other the entire time as different scenarios played out in his mind of Cas’ reaction. Whatever he thought Cas’ reaction would have been was nothing he imagined the second he knocked on Cas’ door. Cas had all but jumped into Dean’s arms, hugging him excitedly and unable to hide the wide smile and welling tears in his eyes. It had taken Cas nearly fifteen minutes to calm down to even think clearly enough to kiss Dean.

 

Those few days had definitely been a turning point as they both finally confessed their feelings, each clearing things about the time both before and during the rift. Dean had felt stupid for not recognizing jealousy on Cas’ part while Cas felt guilty for not being more understanding about Dean’s struggles with his sexuality. Tears and vows had been exchanged numerous times during that time. That night had been one of many of them falling into bed. Afterward, Cas had looked at Dean with fear and uncertainty in his eyes, waiting for Dean to yet again run out without so much of a word. Hating he had hurt Cas with his past actions, Dean kissed away any fears Cas tried expressing both verbally and non-verbally. 

 

After a week, Dean sadly realized he had to return to Lawrence. While Bobby never specified how long his leave was for, Dean knew the ‘vacation’ wasn't indefinitely. Cas understood about work responsibilities but the knowledge hadn't been enough to keep his same fears from resurfacing that no amount of reassurances or kisses could calm down. The night before Dean was to leave the following morning, Cas broke down once again, tearfully claiming he wouldn't survive another heartache. Dean ended up in tears just as much as Cas had been. The rest of the night had been spent holding each other through a few more tearful love confessions before making love yet again. 

 

Once he returned home, Dean tried his best not to start feeling guilty for leaving having already started feeling as if he could actually have a life with Cas. Truthfully, it wasn’t just the idea of being with Cas that had appealed to him. Sam was closer since deciding to stay in Palo Alto rather than returning to Kansas. Their parents had been disappointed but understood he wanted to stay with Jessica, having already gotten a prestigious job with a law firm. It had actually been Mary who first broached the idea to Dean about moving permanently to Los Angeles, seeing how miserable he had become since returning home. When Dean had tried explaining the shift in his friendship with Cas to one romantically, she had quickly stopped him, explaining he didn’t need to say a word. She always had a feeling there were lingering feelings between the two of them. Instead, she convinced him if he truly wanted to be with Cas he needed to be  _ with _ Cas. 

 

Dean didn’t need to think too much about it; he was moving to Los Angeles.

 

He decided not to tell Cas about the move, wanting to surprise him. Sam even agreed to help with the move, trying unsuccessfully to convince Dean into letting him driving Baby. The scathing look alone had been Sam’s answer. No one but Dean would be driving Baby anywhere. The biggest surprise had come from Bobby, telling Dean he didn’t know what took him so long to get his head out of his ass. Even going so far as wanting to call Cas to warn him what an idjit he would be getting shortly. Thankfully, Dean managed to convince Bobby against ruining the surprise.

 

The drive the second time almost felt as if it took longer, finally reaching Los Angeles in near record time, his nerves feeling frayed as he pulled in front of Cas’ building. His legs felt as if he was walking through molasses as he walked up the stairs leading to Cas’ apartment. Any moments of insecurity he might have been feeling were instantly dashed by the look on Cas’ face. Nothing but complete surprise, as well as complete happiness, were shining in Cas’ eyes. 

 

Dean had finally gotten found his homecoming. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As one can see, this has many glaring mistakes as I hadn't had it beta'd. Next works will be beta'd properly.


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